too scared to be afraid

chapter thirty: too scared to be afraid

"I can't begin to imagine how to live freely. This curse has become my reality, and without it, I'll become nothing."

030: too scared to be afraid

xxxx

There was always the morning rush.

Kids with backpacks, two "caretakers" who served breakfast and gave out lunch money, and there was the boy who took on what he would define as the job of the oldest and made the children laugh.

In the orphanage, it didn't matter how out of control his mind had gotten because he was pulled along the current of the morning rush on weekdays. On weekends, everyone slept in and he needn't pay attention to the days of the week. Calendars were ignored. He just had to follow along with routine.

There was no routine in college. There weren't any of the kids to wake him up with smiles and cheerful giggles to urge him out of his fatiqued state.

He wasn't sure what day it was. It had at least been a week right? A week had passed? Maybe two, three weeks had passed?

So many notifications.. so many messages and calls that he never answered to. After some time went by, it stopped. Hoseok hadn't bothered to charge his phone.

At this point, he must've lost his job. He must've been failing all of his courses.

His determination to pick himself up and become someone was running thin. He'd be satisfied with being homeless, it was what such a lazy person like him deserved.

Today was different. Not because he was going to go to classes or work, but because he was going to successfully end his life.

No more mistakes. No more hope that someone will save him.

Back then, he still had some life in his eyes. Hope that someone would help him out of the hole he dug himself into.

Now, he sees no point in getting someone to help. Death would be nice to him, it would take him in like the orphan he was.

No bright, pastel colors today. He was dressed in black shorts and a gray hoodie. This would be the outfit he'd die in. He couldn't bring himself to think too deep into it. Actually, he couldn't bring himself to think about anything anymore. Consequences were dissolved into the worst form of guilt that ate at his insides. Self-displine wasn't real. Friends. He was still thinking on that one. Okay, he wasn't. He didn't need to anymore.

He had left his apartment in search for something somewhere. If he tried his attempt in his bathroom, there was the chance his friends would break in and save him although he still couldn't figure out how their timing had been so perfect.

Just walking mindlessly down the sidewalk, he saw it. The perfect ending to his bittersweet life.

xxxx

He had a fear of heights.

Fears wouldn't matter in death so he had to put them aside for now.

Hoseok stood still, head up as he gazed at the 20-story building that was right over the ocean. If he didn't die from the impact, he'd drown. Fuck his fear of the ocean.

He wasted no time in running into the building, and past the receptionist who didn't get paid enough to care. He took the stairs although there was an elevator awaiting passengers. If this was it, he'd allow himself to feel respiration one last time.

Soon, he was on the roof, sitting on the edge of the building.

His friends..he wondered how they would know. Would his corpse wash up on shore? How'd they find out?

It might be better if they didn't know. He didn't need them to suffer, he didn't want them to remember him like he is now. A corpse in a living body.

The scars on his wrist screamed at him. He was a bit upset that he'd have his scar filled body in hell. Mistakes were meant to be forgiven but his mistakes had been too fatal. He didn't recieve forgiveness unless it took form in death.

Hoseok stared off at the ocean. It's water rippled, showing off its beautiful scales that were deadly to someone like him. He scooted further off the edge.

This was it.

"Hmm, last words.." he muttered, contemplating it. No one would hear but it was worth saying last words if not only to give him some sort of consolation.

Then, he got it. His last words. They meant exactly how he felt. He was terrified of death, terried of the ocean, scared of heights but he was fine with this. Scared of death, but craving it even more so. With no life in his eyes, he found himself to be at peace with his decision.

Hoseok smiled, "I'm too scared to be afraid."

Then he swung his legs over and pushed away from the building and let himself fall to the ocean.

It embraced him with open arms.

xxxx

edited.

quick note: i'm so sorry if this story has been really going off rails with plot and off the topic of the yandere au. sometimes my mind just forces me to contribute my current feelings into the story. i promise it'll get more into plot later on though! please have faith the story gets better. well plot wise, i'm not so sure about Hoseok's mental health..
thank you so much :)