Heartlines

19: Lift Me Up

I'm sitting in my media room, eating my second pint of peppermint bon bon ice cream for the day. The movie, Love Actually is on repeat, and playing for the fourth time. I still cry at every sad part in the movie. 

I miss Ben. 

The staff is back at the house because Ben is back in Boston, Alex couldn't stop him from leaving either. I can't imagine how overwhelmed he must have felt. I'm kicking myself for leaving this house and going next door for Christmas. 

Amy really messed things up for us. 

After my first night alone in the house, I moved all my things back to my old room. Staying in the master bedroom was too hard without Ben next to me. I didn't realize how much he made me feel more comfortable in this house, and now without him, it was empty and miserable. 

Ben promised that we were fine before he left for the airport, but I haven't heard from him in days. I wasn't stupid to believe that things would be back to normal when I got back to Boston. I have pushed him too far, and I didn't know how to fix this. He feels like he can't belong in my world, but I wish he would see that he is my world. 

"OH CHRIST! ALLY?" Alex's voice scares me. 

Without looking behind me, I mumble for him to leave me alone. My face is puffy from crying for three straight days. I haven't showered, brushed my teeth, or changed my clothes. I'm a hot mess and didn't care who knew. 

Alex walks in front of me and blocks the screen. I look at him and see the pity covering his face. I don't care and I hope he tells Ben that I'm a mess. 

"Kiddo, this isn't the best look for you." He sits next to me and grabs the ice cream container from my hands. I watch him throw it in the garbage can. 

"You think?" I glare at him through my swollen eyes. 

Misery doesn't even touch the emotions I'm feeling. I feel like everything inside me went home on the plane with Ben. I feel empty and lonely. I know I look horrible, but what makes me feel even worse is looking at how perfectly together Alex looks. He's wearing a pair of dark washed jeans, a tight black v-neck sweater that hugs his fit form. His blond hair is freshly cut, and cute. 

I start to cry when I see his green eyes fill with pain and sadness for me. My best friend wants to fix everything for me because that's what he does. That is always what Alex does. If I'm a mess, he tries to fix it, but this is one he can't. 

I messed up with Ben. 

He grabs my hand, "Ally, I tried to get him to stay." 

"I know." I turn into his shoulder and fall apart. 

Alex wraps his arms around my shoulders and pulls me to him tight. 

"If it helps, I know that Ben is feeling the same amount of pain that you are." Alex tells me. 

"It doesn't. I shouldn't have brought him here. We should have stayed in Boston and had our Christmas there. He wasn't ready to see this side yet." I sob. 

"Allyson Victoria Sicard, how can you say that? Ben needed to see all of this because the real you is pretty damn fantastic and he knows that."

"I'm not sure who the real me is." I look at him.

"Now you're being stupid. You are the girl that would give anyone the shirt off your own back if they needed it. Your zest for life is inspiring. Give him time, I'm sure he'll come around." 

"I hope you are right. I don't know how to be without him. I'm completely in love with him. Did you know that he was scared of meeting you? When I told him, you were my best friend, he panicked." I frown. 

Alex nods with a smile. "He may have mentioned it a couple times."

"Has he mentioned why he hasn't called me?" I ask. 

I know Alex and Ben talk once a day. Part of me is relieved, but a bigger part of me is sad that he can't be bothered to talk to me. 

"Why hasn't he called me?"

"In Ben's defense, is there really anything he can say at this point to make you feel better? This is his issue that he needs to work through."

"He doesn't have to. I would give it all up for him." I confess.

Alex scowls at me and shakes his head. "Allyson, that is the last thing he wants you to do. He knows that you enjoy this life and that's okay to admit. Lots of people would love to have your closet full of fancy designer clothing, or drive your amazing cars. Ben loves you; anyone can see that. He just needs time to process it. You have had years of this life; he had a week." 

"I miss him." I cry again. 

He nods and holds me again. "I know." 

The two of us finish the movie and when it's finished, Alex forces me upstairs to take a shower. I lock the bedroom door behind me. I find my favorite silk nightgown and place it on the vanity. Turning the handle, I make the water so hot that the steam covers the room in seconds. 

As I wash my body, I think about Ben's fingers on me. I start crying and lean against the tiled wall. It feels like we broke up. 

After washing up, I dry off before slipping on the nightgown. I grab the robe off the hook and tie it around me tightly. I hug it tight because it smells like Ben. He wore this on Christmas morning, and I smile at the memory. 

Alex has the food waiting in the dining room with candles and flowers. From the outside, this would look like a romantic dinner, but this is how Alex always treats me. I was a very lucky girl to have someone that cares this much about me. 

"Alex, this looks nice. Thank you." I frown at him. 

"This is my job. I love you, kiddo and I hate watching you this upset." He pours me a glass of wine. 

Taking care of me wasn't his job, but it's one he took on the moment my parents died. He was the person that saved me during that dark time, and I would be forever grateful. I take a bite of my fish, it was cooked perfectly, and I didn't realize how hungry I was until I swallowed. Ice cream wasn't cutting it. 

"When you talk to him tonight, which I know you will, please ask him to answer his phone and talk to me. I really want to hear his voice and hear him say that it will work out for us." I look across the table. 

"I will." He nods.

"Okay...so, are you nervous for your New Year's Eve show?" I ask changing the subject. 

"No. I don't get nervous. I love being up on that stage and hearing people sing my songs. Are you nervous? Do you still want to duet with me?"

Alex has been pushing this duet for years. I sang for family, not strangers, but I could never say no to him. We were singing one song and then I could disappear and drink the night away. 

After dinner, the two of us clean up the dining room and load the dishwasher with our plates. We finish the bottle of wine before his car service calls to let him know they are waiting outside. Hugging him, I watch him disappear up the path. 

I grab another bottle of wine and walk up to my bedroom. I remove the robe and slide into my bed. 

I miss you so very much. I feel like a giant chuck of myself left with you. Ben, I just want to hear your voice. Please talk to me. 

I text him before falling asleep.