Heartlines

38: All Fall Down

I can never leave the office on time when I have plans, so now I'm racing around my apartment. Looking at the bedside clock, I realize that I have just enough time to work out and shower before meeting Megan. Quickly, I grab the clothing off the floor and change out of my suit. I grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator before heading up the stairs to my home gym. I push open the giant French doors to welcome the sounds of New York to filter in around me. 

Just outside my gym there is a large wrap around roof terrace. I have a hot tub installed with a wall mounted TV on the privacy wall around it, I like the thought of bathing nude and not worrying about perverted neighbors. I spent a lot of money on potted plants, trees and fencing for extra privacy. Ben worked so hard to keep me safe, I need him to know that I listened to his concerns. There is no way anyone can see onto my terrace unless you are flying over it. 

Around the corner is another privacy barrier wall with the outdoor living space, I had bought comfortable outdoor couches, a fireplace and TV. Next to the building was the outdoor kitchen space with a huge outdoor grill and mini fridge. The funny thing is I've never grilled in my life.

I have been running on the treadmill for ten minutes when my phone starts ringing. "Megs, I'm working out." I answer breathless.

"I promise this won't take long. I'm hoping you and I can swing by the dress shop before we meet the boys in Brooklyn for dinner?"

"Brooklyn? I thought we were meeting downtown?" I ask picking up my speed to a light run.

"That was the plan, but I want to eat at the River Café and take a romantic stroll through the park. I have a really good feeling about you and Chris." She beams.

Chris is the blind date that they are setting me up on and from what Megan had told me, he was tall, built similar to Ben, green eyes, and dimples that didn't stop.

I had been set up on eleven dates since breaking up with Ben and everytime, I would leave them standing on the sidewalks after dinner. There wasn't one person in this big world that compared to Ben. He was the only person I needed or wanted.

Just thinking his name made my heart hurt again and I start running faster.

"What time do you want me to meet you?" I ask struggling to breathe.

"7 o'clock. See you then." She says before hanging up on me.

I finish my workout, run back downstairs to shower and change into the outfit I knew would set Megan off.

Walking to the closet subway, I scan my metro card and walk through the gate. I stand in an empty spot on the platform and wait for the train to arrive. This is always the hardest part for me, the part where my brain won't turn off because I was breaking Ben's rules by doing something as foolish as riding the subway.

The train arrives and we all move like robots towards the opening doors. I always pick an open corner and kept my back to the wall so no one can rub up on me this way. Don't laugh, it happened one of the first times I rode it.

I look at my phone, to avoid unwanted eye contact. No one was friendly in New York. People are always bumping into one another without a word being passed between one another.

My hand brushes against the stranger that just walked on, and my heart instantly starts skipping and twisting. This emotion only took over my body when Ben touched me. Quickly, I look up expect to see him, but there is no one around that looked like him. I take a deep breath hoping to catch a scent that will give him away, but again is disappointed with dead ends.

Secretly, I shift my eyes from side to side to observe those standing and sitting around me. Most of the car is filled with women and children, or tourist talking excited to each other about the day's sights.

Shaking my head, I look back down at the ground. "You are seriously losing it." I mumble.

Disappointment courses through my veins when I realize it is all in my head, Ben isn't on this train, and he never will be. I need to let the thoughts go of him coming back.

Sadness hit me in the face the minute I walk through the bridal shops door. Megan is sitting on the couch waiting for me, her wedding is in four weeks, and she is freaking out more than she's letting on.

Megan jumps up and claps her hands together. "Yay. She's here. The last bridesmaid to get her final fitting."

I'm ushered back to the dressing room with my dress hanging on the door. Megan had picked out a fuchsia strapless taffeta gown and it is beautiful.

I take off my sweater and quickly throw my clothes on the floor. Pulling the dress over my head, I know I will never hear the end of it. I have lost 15 pounds over the last two months, and I know I'm too skinny.

Just hurry and get through this. It will be over soon.

After my quick pep talk, I open the door and her face falls in shock. The seamstress asks me to go in front of the three-way mirror and she starts pinning the dress tightly to my body.

"Have you been tanning?" Megan asks standing in front of me with a smirk.

Megan has stopped lecturing me about my weight because it usually ends with me crying about her brother. 

I miss Ben so much.

Smiling, I nod my head. "You picked a fuchsia dress for the beginning of spring...of course I've been tanning. I bet all the bridesmaids are tanning."

"Well you look great. Skinny, but great." She claps her hands together excited.

Rolling my eyes at her, I hurry back to the dressing room and change back into my black dress for the evening. I grab the light sweater from the back of the door, and I fix my hair quick.

I was convinced that once Megan saw my dress without the sweater, she might not talk to me for a while.