Heartlines

37: Better Days

Two Years Later

I get the last of my office put together, I was lucky to get the small corner office that just vacated earlier in the month. When I say small, I truly mean it. My closet at home is larger than my office space. I have an L-shaped oak desk with a very used office chair. In front of my desk there sits two small chairs for clients. My file cabinet is located in the copy room down the hall, but I have a smaller one attached to my desk. I keep my current cases close. 

In my small window, I decorate with a vase and bright colored daises. I need the space to look fresh and inviting. The last person that used this office was a bigger man that ate tuna sandwiches at his desk every day for twenty years. 

Glancing out my window, I look down at the busy street and sidewalk, I would swear that I'd see Ben. I wanted to believe that he was still out there after all these years. After two years, I thought it would be easier to forget him and move on, but my heart still hurts the same.

I miss him so much.

Ben left to keep me safe from his family, but in the process I became very good friends with his sister Megan. We had an understanding -  don't talk about Ben. Just hearing about his life and him moving on broke me over and over. 

After I passed my bar exam, I changed my look. My long blonde hair was now chopped to my shoulders and dyed a dark brown. I ditched my contacts and wear my dark framed glasses instead. I think it makes me look more serious. I rotate my suits - somedays it feels like pants, the others I wear my pencil skirts. 

It took a while, but I have finally found myself. 

My co-worker, Aaron pops his head into my office. "Congratulations! It's official. Out of the para cubes and into your own private office." He grins at me. 

I turn my attention away from the window and give up the search to see him in the crowd. Facing the man standing in my small doorway, I grin and nod at him. I'm a lawyer. I thought it would be a great feeling to finish and get a job, but now everything just feels empty. 

I'm numb to everything. 

Ben took my emotions and feelings when he walked out the door. 

Aaron makes himself comfortable in my doorway, I don't mind much because he's easy on the eyes. Today, he is wearing a three-piece gray suit. I'm a sucker for men in suits. 

"So when are you leaving for California?" 

"Right after work. My suitcase is in my trunk." I smile at him.

I'm going to California to visit a rehab center in Malibu. Ben's mom did find me after he left, she found me and demanded money, or she would tell everyone my location. When I refused to give her the money and dared her to call Mickey, she broke down. She was tired of the life and needed help, and when I offered, she took it. That was six months ago. This weekend, she was leaving the center and moving into a sober living house. 

Jennifer made the decision to not return to Quincy because she is scared of falling back into the same patterns, her therapist and I both agree. I want the best for Ben's mom so she can get healthy and make it back to her children. My money is going to a cause I believe in. I believe she wants to change.  

I try to visit her when I can, and the two of us are slowing forming a friendship. When I first dropped her off, I hated her for abandoning her children and forcing them to grow-up because they weren't ready. She made them miss the best parts of their childhood because they were too busy watching her. After a couple weeks of treatment, the therapist helped me understand the pulls of addiction and the loss of self. He explains that she had no control over her mind during those dark times. 

I land late in California and check myself into a hotel. Saturday morning, I pick my peach cotton shirt and pair it with white capris. I stop at a local floral shop and pick a fresh bouquet for her. I am proud of her for doing the work and understanding this is just the beginning of a new normal. 

Walking into the center's backyard, I grab a folding chair and place mine towards the back. The yard is quickly filling up with other family members of the graduates. 

Jennifer sees me and gives me a little wave. She is so skinny, and her features are sunken from all the years of drugs and alcohol usage. Her hair is long, but very dry at the tips. Her eyes are the same color of Ben's. I know at one time, they looked very much alike. 

I give her a little wave back and a quick "thumbs up" gesture. 

The celebration is quick, and we find each other in the crowd of people. 

"I didn't think you'd come." She looks at me sad. 

"Of course. I wouldn't miss this moment. I'm proud of you, and I know Megan and Ben would be too." 

Ben's mom grabs my hand and I look down at the ring I forgot to take off. Normally, I will leave it home in New York, but today I was in a hurry and forgot to take it off. I usually wear it the moment I get home and take it off before heading into the office. 

"You're engaged? It's beautiful." She smiles at me.

The tears surprise us both as I shake my head no. I sit back down on the chair, and she sits next to me. Jennifer puts her arm around my shoulder and asks me to tell her. It is a very motherly move on her part.

"I'm not engaged. Ben gave me this in the Maldives when he asked me to marry him, a little over two years ago and I can't stop wearing it. I guess I'm holding on to the hope that he'll return and still want to marry me after all these years. However, Megan informed me that he's moving on and now I have to figure out how to do the same." I frown.

"Oh sweetheart he would be stupid to not marry you. All his life, I wished for him to find someone like you. Someone that would understand him and love him for who he was. I blame myself for his mistrust – I screwed them up pretty bad."

"I used to think that too. I blamed you so much for all of his heartache...but it's his damn revenge plan that screwed us up. He was too busy protecting me that he didn't realize how he was pushing me away." 

"He'll come around." She promises me.

I take a deep breath and smile at her. "Enough sadness. This is your day, and we need to celebrate that. Do you think you'll want to stay in California?"

"I'm just taking this day by day." She smiles at me. "Thank you, Allyson. Without you, I would probably be dead or at least still be using. You saved me and I know that I will never be able to repay you for that."

"You saved yourself." I squeeze her hand. "I just helped you get out of Quincy."

I celebrate for the rest of the afternoon with her, other patients and staff. When it is time for me to leave I hug her goodbye because we won't be seeing each other for a while.

By Sunday Afternoon, I'm walking back into my new apartment in Chelsea. I wheel my suitcase through the doorway and drop my keys in the large bowl that I took from our place year's earlier, a piece of him that I still carry around.

Quickly, I kick off my shoes and open the front closet to hang up my jacket. My new place opens right up to my formal living room, and I spared no expenses when it came to my new place. When I was depressed, I shopped.

This place took me almost a year and a half to renovate to my liking. I stayed in a nearby hotel while the work was being completed. The floors were a rich mahogany wood throughout the first level of living, it was the entire reason I fell in love with the place.

I enhanced the spaces with deep red plush rugs that expanded under the couches, chairs, and tables. My couches were cream leather with dark brown backing to match the flooring and I had covered them with bright red throw pillows.

Making a right turn from the door, I walk into my large master bedroom, my favorite room of the entire place. My bed is a custom-made California King and I think I use a sliver of it every night. The sheer curtains around the bed made me the happiest because it reminded me of Ben's place in Boston.

I have a large crystal chandelier hanging from ceiling in the middle of the bed, when I didn't want that much light – I turn on the twinkle lights that are draped throughout the curtains and ceiling rails. Sleep comes way to easy.