Heartlines

35: Didn't I

The car service pulls up to the curb. Ben calls my name to get my attention, I glance up to see him holding open the door. I tuck my purse into my arm and move to the car, I'm surprised when he climbs into the car with me. There is such an awkward silence in the car as we start back to our place. 

His cellphone rings, I feel him reach into his pocket to grab it. I see the name on the phone before he answers it. It's his sister, Megan. We have grown so much closer over the last year - she was the only person that Ben would let us tell about our engagement. 

The moment he says hello, I hear her screaming on the other end of the phone. I look across the car at him and see his eyes are closed tight and his jaw is tense. I can't hear what he is telling his sister because he's talking so quiet. 

"Okay." I barely hear him say. 

He puts the phone on his leg and tells his sister that she is on speaker phone. She is still screaming with excitement and that makes Ben look out his window and not at me. 

"Ally, I'M GETTING MARRIED! Peter just asked me, and I needed to call you and Ben right away. I know I just got the ring, but I'm already thinking about the wedding. I'm thinking two years, hopefully you and Ben will be married by then and I'm not stealing your thunder." She tells us excited. 

"Congratulations, Megs." 

I pray she can't hear me crying. I know how much this means to her and I'm honored that she's picking Ben and I to share the news with. 

"Yeah...congrats. I'm happy for you and Peter." Ben sounds completely uninterested as he says it. 

"Um...did I call at a bad time? She senses the tension on our end.

"No. We are so happy for you." I hurry with a shaky voice. "Please let me know if you want help planning anything, I would love to help, and I can share what I know from planning my wedding." 

I have nothing planned on paper, but I do have places in my head. 

"Ally, I would love that." She squeals. 

Ben takes his sister off speaker phone, and I look out my window, letting out a soft sob so she can't hear me. She is having the best night of her life, while my night is quickly falling apart. I can feel Ben's goodbye hovering between us. I can't stop the tears from falling. 

When the car stops in front of our building, I jump out and make my way inside. I don't wait for Ben. Opening the apartment door, I toss my keys in the damn bowl he saved from Boston. Seeing the bowl makes my emotions worst - it reminds me of our happy times. I take my coat off and hang it in the front closet. 

I'm in the bedroom when I hear the front door open, I slam the door because I don't want to look at him. I'm removing all my jewelry when he walks into the room, I hear him sit on the bed and waits for me to turn and face him. I look at him through my dresser mirror as I take my hair down. Ben is twisting his ring on his finger. 

I turn to make my way to the bathroom. I turn the shower to the hottest setting and start undressing. 

"Ally?" I hear him whisper at the doorway. 

"Don't." I warn him. 

I hug my naked body hoping that would make the pain hurt less. It doesn't. 

"My mom. That is who found us." 

Shaking my head, I open the glass down and walk into the scolding shower. My entire body is shaking with fear. 

"It's only a matter of time before the other find us now. They know your name and know you have money." 

He undresses quickly and the shower door flies open. His long fingers wrap around my wrist and demand that I drop the sponge that is rubbing my body raw. I look at his face, I see the pain hanging on his features. "I lead them right to you. I love you more than anything in this world, your safety is the most important thing to me. I will never forgive myself if anything happens to you. What choice do I have?" 

My hand starts towards his bare chest, but I pull back because touching him with break me. 

"I didn't change you, and I'm tired of you throwing that in my face. You're not my charity case, you are my future husband, that's what an engagement is. Stop making me feel horrible for wanting to share this entire life with you." I cry at him. 

Ben pulls me to his body and puts his forehead on mine. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything I said tonight, I did it because we are being watched." He kisses my forehead and I feel his shaking lips as he pulls away. "But I'm moving out tonight. I can bunk with a couple guys from the academy until I can figure something else out. We need to move you somewhere safer and under a different name. Nothing that will give away your location."  

"STOP! PLEASE JUST STOP." I shout into his chest. 

He sobs softly. "I can't. This is the only thing I can control right now. I need to be away from you, I need you away from the danger. It was a mistake to follow my heart, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I put you in this situation." 

I push away so I can look at him while I talk. "How is being separate going to be better? Do you believe that they will stop because you're not directly next to me. Do you hear yourself?" My knees start to shake and give out on me. I start falling towards the floor. 

I'm sobbing and clawing at him for support as I move downward. Begging him to not leave me between the cries. He turns the water off and cradles me in his lap. His arms wrap around me, and I scream into his chest, his chest bounces with his cries. We hold each other on the shower floor.

"I have to do this. I have to be strong enough for the both of us to leave. I want you to live a long, happy life...even if that means finding someone new...someone safer than me." He cries. 

"No. I want you. I knew the risk and I stayed. I don't want you to leave. You can stay here, and we can fight them all together." I look at him. 

He's shaking his head. "I can't. My brother or Mickey will kill you, just to hurt me. My mother will steal from you the moment she gets a chance. We don't have any other options." 

"Then look at me and say what you need to say. Break my heart and leave me like everyone else in my life. I want you to see the pain." I challenge him.

I'm angry. 

He needs to see my heart shattering into a million pieces. I want him to remember the day he broke my heart forever.

I pull away and wait for him to look at me. His jaw is gliding back and forth, giving away how stressed this was making him. I didn't care because this could be avoided. Ben was making the decision and not caring about my feelings. 

"Call George. Ask him to buy a place on your behalf and don't put your name on anything or they will find you."

"And school? What happens when I graduate and find a job? I can't hide forever." 

"So change your name." 

"Fuck you! I'm not changing my name."

"We need to be out of this apartment within the week. I can come back when you're at school to get my things."

"How can you just turn off your feelings? I love you and you are so cold right now. Was this all a game for you?" I glare at him. 

"You know that's not true. I will love you forever and that will never change."

Standing, I open the shower door and grab the large towel. I pick up the glass next to the sink and throw it across the room. "You can't say it. You are a coward. What hurts the most is knowing that I'm not as important as you told me. If I was your everything, you'd fight like hell to keep it. I want you to leave and I don't want to see you ever again."

Ben stands from the shower and hurries to me. "You are my everything and that's why I need to leave. If I stay, it's a death sentence for you. I hope one day you'll understand that." He picks his clothing from the floor and leaves me standing in the bedroom. 

I slide down the wall and bury my face in the towel while I cry. 

I would be better off dead than have to feel this pain.