The Augury

Part 112

[ Cebo]

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I lost a friend a sister, and a person I was supposed to learn so much from,  I walked into Jisha resting her head on her sister's chest, from there I knew that she was no more,

I tried to culm or console Jisha's bleeding heart but she took the brunt of it. I calmed down and apologized but didn’t get a response. After I offered a second private apology when the people for the morgue cane to collect the body, she verbally attacked me and everything I’ve ever done, calling me a toxic person who infects the whole family by family she meant the covenant, in her eyes I'm a non-believer and do not deserve the powers bestowed into me.

I don’t know where the truth lies regarding everyone else’s opinion of me, Since I do not know or have met the new members of the new covenant but I am brokenhearted that a person I learned to call a sister, I love and respect would say such horrible things to me. When I asked her to stop because our relationship might not recover, she said, “I don’t want a relationship with you... I want my sister back "

I'm curled up in my room with a heavy heart I look at the picture I took with Usher a few days we arrived here and I cry, even more, It seems like yesterday that she was smiling so full of life. I could never imagine anything taking away her smile, her laugh, or her ability to fight through life’s every obstacle. She fought hard every single day until her last,  she did not live a second where her presence didn’t inspire me, I was hoping and wishful of learning from her a lot about who I am, but yet again God saw me as not worthy.

I look around and I was meet by walls looking at me, closing and creeping in on me.
What going with me? Why do fail so much? Why does everything that I touch keeps breaking, dying am I the problem? If I do something good, I feel it’s by mistake. It just happened by coincidence. It is not who I truly am coz I’m not really good at anything.

I keep thinking of why I have not reached my full potential, why I dint I save Sfiso, Usher and my mother am I even worthy of this gift maybe Jisha is right I have all the privileges yet I have squandered my life away. There’s nothing of substance I have done till now. There are people all over the world who had a lot less privilege than I had and who have done things more substantial than I have
What have I done? Even if I haven’t achieved anything, have I ever worked hard like that? I can’t even focus on a task long enough to finish it. I won’t be able to take even a good task without screwing it up. What’s the point of my existence?

I'm already feeling worn out, overwhelmed, anxious, exhausted, and everything is falling apart. The feeling is haunting me to the point where I'm losing sleep, losing weight, losing my hair, and, most of all, I keep losing my sanity.

Here I am, I lie awake at night thinking about every little thing I need to do,  I am the balance to two worlds That’s a big responsibility to decide who’ll live and who’ll die. I don’t think I am qualified to do that. So, the low-esteem which drove me towards death also brought me back.

The voices are back

I decided to consume pills to heavily medicate my brain for the voices to shut up, I finally fall asleep 15 minutes later I wake up, feeling even more exhausted and unable to think clearly for the remainder of the night... The voices are back bashing me telling me I'm useless.

I'm walking if not fall into this dangerous cycle and God knows that I need to break it. That, of course, is easier said than done, I'm stressed out that I wish the motion that my life is moving can just stop,
I'm holding my ears tossing and turning on my bed, trying to project an image that I can understand regarding all these obstacles, but my mind does not give me the privilege,

"Stop!"
"S...Top!!!"
" STOP...TALKING !!!" I scream and
I found myself in the air with lightning spiking from all my limbs, I find peace in this orbit the voices are gone, only in this state I can breathe, think and exhale when I transform to being The Augury.
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To be continued