The Augury

Part 131

[Cebo]

Stepping inside my mother's hospital room was the hardest thing  I have ever done, I looked at my mother, she was still so tinny her radiant look has faded she looked like life has taken a few beating out of her, she was wearing blue Zion doek and warned out nightdress,
Her room alone look plain there were no flowers or glitz and Gold like she normally rolled, so it's true she lost all her riches after my father died.

I swallowed looking at her,
It's was not a pretty sight at all to look at she looked totally different, I want to feel sorry for her but yet  I  hate her, or that is what I keep telling my self or what I want to believe, looking at her made me recall the worst years of my life,  I'm ashamed, hurt, mortified, and disgusted with myself for letting it happen to me. How could I have been so stupid? Why didn’t I tell anyone? How can I live with myself now with this hate inside of me, knowing that the woman who should have protected me is looking like a zombie and in desperate need of my forgiveness?

For the past 15 years of my life, I spent blaming myself, punishing myself, starving myself, throwing up everything I ate, cutting myself, trying to kill myself. I truly believed that it was my fault and that I didn’t deserve to live after what my family had done. I eventually sent myself for treatment when I was 20 years old, I had to because the wailing sounds of crying babies tormented me day and night, the pain I felt was my daily bread.

I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and a severe eating disorder. It was in treatment when I was 20 years old that I finally mustered the strength to tell someone what my family had done to me, Trevor( Mvelo) helped me on my spiritual side, and then later it was Ziqubu who gave me the purpose of living, Unlike so many other survivors, I was able to tell my story and lift the burden off my chest that would have otherwise killed me.  I am finally beginning to heal and I know that what my family did to me isn’t my fault. I am healthy and happy, in spite of having loving parents by my side. I found strength in the pain they caused me, and I won’t waste another second of my life letting them control me. 

I swallowed and walked closer to her bed she lifted her head and our eyes locked,
" Nomcebo"
Her soft voice reminded me of the last day I saw her, she helped me run away from home,  she hugged me apologized for all her wrongdoing and wicked ways, and told me that
"Baby girl, don't do with your life what I have done with mine. I love you."
Now, at twenty-eight years old, I finally understand. She knew that the choices that she made in her life had made her what she was. She was warning me about the dangers of poor choices and telling me that sometimes, we just run out of tomorrow. I learned the most valuable lessons in life from a woman that society would have deemed a waste now, That all glitter is not gold,

Imagine how much we may have been able to learn from each other if it wasn't stolen from us. I am HER daughter, in my heart, mind, and soul that will remain, she taught me more than any sheltered suburban family ever could, and it's a lesson I will never forget. 'Your children need your presence more than your presents.'

I froze looking at her not sure what to do, I am overwhelmed by sadness, regret, and anger. This moment is long overdue
Me: sawbona ma"
I finally find the courage to great her back.

She held her mouth with trembling hands and started crying,
Her: ooh thixo I knew this day would come, I knew that you were alive, my beautiful girl is that really you ?"
I nodded my mouth dry like Sahara desert, my knees weak, with mixed emotions, my feet found their way next to her bed, she was afraid to touch me, and I was afraid to talk we just set next to each other sobbing silently.

Her: First and foremost, I’m sorry that I failed you as a parent but mostly as your mother,  I promised you that I would be there for you. Through thick and thin but I wasn't. I told you I would make sure you were safe and sound but you were violated under my roof under my watch. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from your narcissistic, gaslighting, manipulating, and abusive father not that I'm any better I'm sorry that I failed to protect you from me. I’m sorry I abandoned you, I’m sorry that I failed to help you be better, finish school, get a job, and encouraged you to recognize our toxic behavior. I'm sorry he raised
you to use you for his own personal gain, which was supposed to lead you to a life of failure and for you to rely on him as he manipulated you into believing I was the cause of your problems and mental illness. I’m sorry he blamed me instead of his actions prior to your suicide attempt. I’m sorry he isolated you and pushed you to what happened...oh Mntanami words can not describe my deepest sorrow and apology for my actions, all I wish is for you to find it in your heart to forgive me. . . "

She looked at me and I must admit I don't recognize the women looking back at me, she looks like a common woman, sickly, hollow, frail and ill-nourished
Her: I want you to know how incredible you are and how much I love and care about you.
Without a shadow of a doubt, I believe you when you say you’ve been harmed, and I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced violence. To say that you have faced injustice is an understatement...  If I have to pay for my sins so be it, report me and God knows I will confess, I deserve a life sentence if that will ease your heart and give you a sense of closure ... Nomcebo ngiyazisola, I just wish I can turn back the hands of time  ...

Me: I know you were possessed, I know what happened was beyond your control, technically we were both brainwashed to think that my father was evil and sociopathic, and out to ruin our life "
Her: but he was an evil man, my baby, he...."
I cut her short
Me:... that I know but it was mostly Silas' fault to shift all the blain towards him ... You see ma I was not violated by my father, but the devil himself..."
Her: I don't understand ..."
I breathe out loud and told him about Silas
Me: I was born with a gift a very powerful gift, I was supposed to marry a demi-God - Silas, with my powers and his we would have ruled the supernatural world and natural world, bringing destruction,  by killing all supernatural gifted beings that possess a good spirit that helped humankind like your... prophets...witches/ Zangoma...shapeshifters ...goddesses ...healers ...siphon...priest/ pastors just to name a few, but the good in me was too strong that I never give In to Silas whisper, so he used my blood, my womb...my babies to criple me, when I was pregnant with Alex he knew that with his blood he will gain control over me and of his powers but God decided to use you to help me escape, "
Her: Nomcebo uthini? ...angizwa...my grandson is alive ?"
I smiled and nodded
Me: yes ...his big, strong courageous, he was the one that killed Silas, his father, and closed the portal between the two worlds, he is the key of the chain that separate the two worlds while I am  the lock "
Her eyes widened I'm guessing this was all too much for her, she is not supposed to understand that I have come to realize she was just a pawn  in this saga, a puppet a victim of evil manipulative acts.

Me: I will forever be grateful that you helped me escape,
Know that no matter how alone I was or how I may have felt, and how abandoned I may have felt, God has always been there with me, witnessing every tear, every nightmare, every haunting thought, every pinch of pain I endured, every second of patience. Even when I felt my faith falter, and got angry at him and cried out “Why Me?” he was there, watching over me. He alone knows the immense weight of my  pain and he alone has rewarded me for my patience."
I smiled thinking about Alex, Sfiso, and Omnia

Me: I Trust that he will guide you through your recovery, he will numb the pain in your heart, he will give you the inner strength you’ve never known to fight through this. He has already sent you a loving friend, a sister,  a family that has done outstanding work in breathing life back into your broken soul.

Please know that you are worthy of love, you are worthy of happiness, you are worthy of all the things you told yourself you would no longer deserve because somebody made you an accomplice in his wicked ways. It was not your fault. It was never your fault. You deserve all the good this world has to offer...so with these words I Forgive you Ma, forgetting my past may not  happen soon but I pray in due time it will"

Her: ooh Mtanami "
For the first time in my life I shared a hug with my estranged mother, it felt strange but yet warm and comforting, I believe that there is a deep shame and stigma in breaking that primal parent-child bond,  As a mum myself I worry constantly that ‘karma’ will bring the same situation to me with my children if I don't forgive my mother. I think the stigma is that if I don’t honor my parents I can’t be a good parent yourself.

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To be continued