The Augury

Part 26

[Makhumalo]

It’s a strange feeling when someone asks “what’s wrong?” and our honest response is “I just don’t feel right.” Sometimes we can easily articulate our emotional state sad, mad, stressed, or ticked off. Other times, we just feel weird.

In the same way, physical symptoms like fatigue or joint pain let us know something’s wrong even if we don’t know exactly what it is, there are signs that let us know when something is “off” with our emotional health.

Being a Sangoma these waves come quick and frequently I will start yawning, growing and my shoulders will feel so heavy, that I will start stretching my neck to ease the tension
" Makhosi "
I say after another load yawn,
I have emotional reactions that seem amplified or out of character for many, it's been a day days feeling like this and it’s changed my sleep pattern and my eating routine. If I was an ordinary person I will just say
" it’s just an overall feeling of “blah” that we can’t quite define."

But having a calling that another ball game altogether
Sometimes these weird feelings pass quickly or are related to specific situations I'm going through. Other times, that odd feeling just hangs around, till I realize that kumelele , ngikhulule nedlozi, ngihlabe , ngishweleze , or ngigaye ukhamba.

I groan again and hold on to the bathroom sink, I do not dare go to Esgodlweni when idlozi liphakame kanje, I need to wait out the waves and then speak to abaphansi when I'm calmer.

I take a few steps back to my bedroom and reach under my pillow I take out snuff tobacco
and sprinkle it on the floor and take a few throw it over my shoulder
" zindlondlo enyinkulu ehlani makhehla...ehlani bogogo "
I yawn again louder this time, as I feel my brain freeze giving me a headache, my back cracks into two making my knees heavy the pain is too much that I fall on my knees
" eyeeeeeeiiii!"

Suddenly I feel a cramp in my abdominal area now I now that it's my daughters...something is definitely not right,
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[Alex]
Even if I tried, I wouldn’t be able to count the number of times I’ve been asked,
“But, don’t you ever want to meet your 'real' parents or your 'real' family?”
I know that when people ask me this what they mean by the word “real” is my birth family, but I always give the same answer.

"I’ve been living with my real family my entire life. While I’m slightly curious as to just where I came from, I have no desire at this time to go and find my birth-family because I’m more than happy and my heart is full because of all of mom and dad"

There has never been a time where I felt like I was not accepted nor I was any different from the rest of the family. If I did, however, it was never a reflection of any of them because, externally, I feel like I’m a part of one of the most loving and open-minded families there is I was accepted for my adoption, my interests, my flaws, and recently, my ethnic group. I can and always have been able to be my true self around my sisters never having to hide or keep anything a secret for long. Growing up and being a part of this family has been a crazy ride, but I can’t imagine myself growing up surrounded by anybody else.

But mom died and dynamics change, in a few days time I will be shipped to another province or country depending on where Austin leaves, it's a bitter pill to swallow and I'm caught up in between two worlds the one which I suppose to grieve and the other which makes me question who I am? Will my brother except me for who I am?

The women who raised me taught me to pray and to trust in God, she prayed a lot took me to church even when I'm kicking and screaming.
But just like praying when you say Amen you wait for the outcome as I am sitting here in the doorsteps thinking about what next.

Relatives are coming in and our in numbers to pass their condolences, I should be grieving but my head is just too clouded, I resented everyone who said some version of that old platitude,
“Time heals all wounds.” Experience has taught me that time doesn’t offer a linear healing process so much as a slowly shifting perspective,

I have a mom-shaped hole in my heart. Turns out it’s not a fatal condition, but it is a primal spot that no one will ever fill.  I'm worried that with the closest relationship in my life suddenly severed, I would never feel whole again. Who would ever understand me in all the ways my mother did?
My father used to say to me
"Grief, when it comes, is nothing like we expect it to be"

I'm trying my level best grieving and in blocking my biological mother in my head, this is not the time or place to focus on  the dream I head, I only got few days before I put my mother to rest, I can't keep clouding her memory with off the women who abandoned me,

" hi, I just saw your Facebook status I'm sorry to hear about your mom, my condolences to you and your family "
Me: thank"
Her: so you not going to attend summer school this year? "
Me: I think so, I'm relocating after the funeral "
Her: ooh my, where to Lex?"
Me: I'm going to be moving in with my brother, I don't know if ill be staying in London or his house in South Africa "
Her: why do I feel like I'm never going to see you again "

I sigh biting my lip, I meet this girl in summer school last year, the first girl I kissed as in deep kiss, I'm a later bloomer which will answer your question that I have not had sex to anyway this girl she is hot, bubbly and talks too much, I like her a lot our personality compliments each other, and I feel like I may build something with her, I am grown up to have a girlfriend anyway but this long-distance relationship makes me friend zone her, she has told me that she likes me but hallo girls like her most probably tell every guy that, so I don't want to get my hopes high about her.

Me: I don't know"
Her: I wish I was in varsity already maybe seeing you would have been easy "
I smile "it's just a few years from now surely our path will cross one day "
Her: ooh Lex you such an optimist...I like how you think"
Me: look babe I have to go, will call you later "
Her: bye don't forget that you are missed ok "

I rolled my eyes and stood up I shove my phone in my pocket I looked up and almost fell down with shock, I saw a black Gemini shepherd dog standing on the other side of the road across my house, its eyes red and it looked straight into mine, the dog looked more like a wolf it was big, but we in Mbazwane how on earth will we have wolfs around this place?
It was creepy and the more o looked at it I realized that it was no ordinary dog, it's the way it looked at me that got my heart racing, it started granting sounding aggressive, revealing its teeth,  

" come inside I made you something to eat "
Me: uhhhhh !"I screamed as I felt hands on my shoulder and jumped, I looked up and I was meet with Austin grey eyes
Him: what's wrong you sweating "
Me: i...i... "I looked across the road again the creature was gone
Him: Alex? "
Me: I'm fine..."
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To be continued