The Augury

Part 17

[Portia]

I was warned about Ziqubu so much that I started believing that people were jealous of me, they also wanted him but he had eyes for me, for me only I never imagined that we would break up. I remember meeting him for the first time. I remember what it’s like to feel butterflies every time I saw him what the heck I still do even now but back then I wondered if he felt the same. I remember falling in love so much that it still hurts to think about it,

When he started cheating on me I blamed myself I thought I was flawed.
You see, I have a core belief that there is something wrong with me, I always had insecurity issues that why my past relationships are no different than my present,
I just don't feel enough. I’m not even sure I can fully articulate this feeling, but whatever it is, I just don't feel enough. I'm too Slim, not pretty enough, not clever enough, not worthy enough, or just not well enough.

I'm going through this alone I have no friends no one to cry on, I'm keeping my mind busy with spring cleaning, I take my phone and call Cebo it rings on the TV stand she more close to Ziqubu then to me she might have said
"I told you so "
as a piece of advice, I cry holding my knees to my chest, I miss home, I miss my family, my sister, my friends I had it all but I blew it up for chasing something that was never mine... I have destroyed so many lives, my daughters, the Msomi's, Cici life ... If only I stayed I way from Zweli! Fuck im no different than my mother maybe that's why I hope from one failed relationship to another.

After hours of crying over Ziqubu I wipe my tears I start asking myself, why am I blaming my self when I'm the one who was hurt, what wrong did I do?
" when someone mistreats you it has almost nothing to do with you. Other people’s behavior is about them."Sindy will say she is my younger sister but she is more outspoken crazy and brave than I will ever be.

I’ve come to realize that Ziqubu flirting and engaging in a sexual manner with other women has to do with his insecurities, and nothing to do with me not being good enough.

It his issue, not mine it's his ego that needed a boost, and he used other women for that because he isn't emotionally or intellectually developed enough to boost himself, that's why I need to walk away I have learned my lesson once with Zweli and I ain't going to complicate my life like that again with Ziqubu, I believe  He is still trapped in a cycle of thinking he needed someone to make him feel happy. He needed to use other women to boost his self-esteem, it's no lie that I’ve felt that my world was falling apart when a man cheated on me or left me. I felt my value decreased the moment he didn’t want me.

I can now see my value just is, it’s innate, I am enough exactly as I am. I don’t need to be anything other than who I am. I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore, I’ve realized that I am more than lovable. When someone doesn’t or can’t treat me the way I want and deserve to be treated, it’s not a reflection of me.

" you not going to give up I see "
His calling for the hundred times after I told him I can't go out with him
Him: you guessed right, let me take you out for lunch "
Me: I'm not feeling well Thabo "
Him: its lunch not a lifetime commitment "
Me: I can't " I say softly biting my lip
Him: aish the thing is my daughter is on my case and I kind off made a promise to her"
I bite my lip thinking
Me: So where are we having this lunch ?"
Him: yes ... I will tell my driver to pick you up"
Me: What ?"
Him: get ready you have an hour"

I smiled dropping my phone, I haven't been on a date for years the only guy who took me out was Nkonzo, his always going to be the one that got away, I miss him and broke his trust I hope one day he will forgive me. 

After taking a long well deserve bath I look at my closet
Me: where are we going I need to pick out an outfit" I send Thabo a text
Him: stop looking at your closer just pick up jean and T-shirt, will be indoors, you have 30 minutes, to get ready "
I looked at his message and I laughed
Him: I hate waiting, and I can't wait to see you "
maybe Thabo is my second chance to happiness call me whatever you want by jumping from one relationship to another but life is too short to wait for the unknown I’ve learned that it’s my job to put my best interests at heart and love myself enough to walk away from anything that doesn’t serve me or build me up.
.
.
[ Sfiso]
" It is hard to keep my head above water. I have some good days and some not so good days, and some days I can’t gather my thoughts or find a reason to feel anything. I feel numb, triggered, scared. I fear I may lose my sense of self-control."