The Augury

Part 129

[Mvelo]

My mind got the best of me, again. My thoughts became the enemy of my breath, and my self-control took the brunt of it all, leading me to lose my mental cool. The dust has set I now, I realize that I almost killed my only living blood relative because of lack-of-control, anger, rage, and not thinking, why has my first become my spokesperson, when did I become this violent person, yes Impi was wrong he violated an innocent girl but why did I act like an animal?

All I saw was blood on my hands, my knuckles bruised, my-mind-is-a-monster as I think and my feeling sets in, this is not the man I want to be, a father I wish my kids to see me become, I look at my self In the mirror and I'm disappointed at my self, shame and guilt wash over me yet again I couldn’t keep it together.

I'm shaking, my heart rate is not giving me peace it's bouncing off the roof, I want to let go and shift but I hold it in, I'm rocking my self in my bed, if I cry I will feel weak if I get too angry the beast inside of me will rejoice, The only thing worse than not feeling okay is how uncomfortable you are with not feeling okay. It’s like you forget that you’re only human, and things just happen.

I jump off the bed and walk out, I haven't seen mama since the incident she hates violence and what she saw made her drive off to her house,  she was not even able to look at me in the eyes... Good Lord what have I become.

Here I am in the road driving to her house biting my lip, and thinking what am going to say to her,
I park my car and jump out before I could knock she was already there waiting for me,
"Abadala told me you are coming "
Me: I'm sorry"
She breathes out loud and let me in,
Her: I know " she said settling on the couch opposite mine

Me: I saw...the vision I just lost it "
Her: I know ...that why I walk with  idlozi lakho instead of you because you can't control your anger "
Me: I hate that I cant "
Her: I know...look my Ngonyama I know that  You always want to do your best, but holding yourself to the same standard every day can be cruel and exhausting. These days you are not getting enough sleep, you’re in a negative environment, you’re stressing over Sbahle, the kids, the company, and this Impi guy and not so long ago you were chasing demons helping Mbali, and the list goes on. How is it fair to compare who you are today to who you were yesterday?"

I held my head looking down
Her: I know that sometimes when things seem like they will get better, your mind bullies you into thinking it will never be, happiness is temporally you think, but just try and Reflect on your current situation instead of spiraling it into a bigger one. It’s unfair to make yourself feel worse. Be kind to yourself Mvelo ...you only human and the world does not need a hero but a brave man who will only focus on his life and his family"

I breathe out loud and sank on the couch looking at her
Me: what do we do now? "
Her: we go get your wife back "
I nodded
Me: Mbali told me that Mntungwa is awake and he wishes to see you"
Her: I will leave tomorrow night to go see him"
Me: you want to talk about it? "

She dropped her head and looked at me like really?
Me: what? ... You know how I feel about the man "
Her: more of the reason I rather not speak any think about him to you "
Me: I can't believe you still love with him"
She took a pillow and threw it at me
Her: I can't believe you all up in my business "
We both chuckled

Her: so you have a cousin "
I breathe out loud
Me: yeah...Impi...who names a child that "
We laughed
Her: I would say Nomakhwezi but Nxumalo robbed her of the privilege "
We laughed again
Me: I sense a dark cloud  approaching the royal house"
Her: you sensed right...are you going to tell him about his biological father"
Me: and say what? Your biological father was the prince of the blood, high ranking in the brotherhood coven, the great Mahlase who conspired with my Aunt to killed my entire family "
Her: don't leave out that the great Nkosiyabantu 'Mkhulu' killed Impi father so I guess you even"
Me: oooh God! his existence is to turn my life upside down "
Her: you got that right, but don't let that change the fact that his your blood "
Me: Kodwa ma lamanyala angifaka kuwona manje?"
Her: you his big brother his stupid actions will soon pay up...because like it or not all actions have consequences and you will hell him out of that big mess he created  "

Me: but Jabu ..." I said protesting but she cut me short
Her: blood is thicker than water Mvelo, they will hate you, nail you in the cross but never turn your back on Impi like how your family did to his mother, he is what he is to today because dark blood runs in his veins he is just a boy that needs a home...a family and guidance a lot of guidance"
Me: mama I hear you, yes blood is thicker than water but in life, we all need water to live, what would I say to the Nene family, they are like family to me "
Her:  you are right LIKE  is a good word "
Me: Mama you not helping!!! .... What about Mbali? What am going to say to her...she is my sister and my long lost cousin just decided to rape her girlfriend"

I said standing up holding my hair, I'm stressed really stressed Kanti kunjani ukukhula
Her: yooo izinkinga zaka Mnguni azipheli thixo ...I'm too old for this "
She breathes out loud and held her head too,
Her: It's funny how, when things seem the darkest, moments of beauty present themselves in the most unexpected places. "
Me: what?"
She looked at me and smiled...

Her: there is always a silver lining in every grey cloud, look Mvelo we only have few hours to fetch your wife from the river, use this time to sleep, Because With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts ..."
Me: why you smiling for? Mama, what did you see? .... Mama I need your counsel here not your riddles!!"
She pats my shoulder and walked away yawning and smiling
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To be continued