Drown in You

40. Suit yourself

The next few days were painful. I didn't get called in to work again, and I heard nothing from Noah, which made me simultaneously nervous and relieved. Being at home felt like walking on eggshells, but it was worthwhile to calm Cal down for the time being. Thinking of Noah's words about "idle hands," I spent a lot of time cleaning the apartment, trying to take my mind off things. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. The other half of my time was spent wasting time with other less productive forms of distraction.

Finally, the day before filming was scheduled to pick up again, the agency called a meeting to go over the new schedule and confirm everyone was on the same page after the pause. As usual, I met Kate at the agency early and then the two of us took the car over to Noah's place. After some small talk, the car quickly descended into an awkward silence. I found my mind drifting back to Cal's words from our fight: "If it wasn't for your pretty face, you would've been thrown out of the interview."

I glanced over at Kate, typing away on her phone. Did she see me as a useful part of the team or was I just a nuisance to her? Just a pretty face, Noah's ex turned charity hire? There was truly no way to tell— In fact, now that Cal had brought it up, it seemed almost impossible for them to really want me on merit. What did someone like me have to offer? Someone with a GED from a secure group home, the last stop before Juvie?

I wavered mentally back and forth, wanting to ask her if I really brought any value to the team but also unsure how to word it without sounding like I was asking to get fired. But before I could make up my mind, we arrived at Noah's new apartment building and my chance was gone. I fidgeted nervously as we waited for Noah to come down to the parking garage.

Things were, as expected, awkward when he arrived. I noticed how his eyes darted past me, avoiding eye contact and giving me a simple "hey," before he greeted Kate warmly. I sank lower into the seat, wanting to disappear.

•••

For the next couple weeks, the final weeks of filming, things remained awkward between myself and Noah. Despite my best efforts, it was clear that something had changed. I felt so frustrated thinking about how we had only just begun to clear up the old misunderstandings between each other before Cal's poorly-timed phone call had gone and created a new obstacle between us. Those thoughts would inevitably lead me to wondering why exactly Noah was so bothered by me having a boyfriend, and even more confusing, why I was so upset with him knowing.

What would've happened between us if Noah never found out about Cal? I had known that I would need to tell him at some point, but it was like whenever I was with him everything else in the world, including Cal, would just melt away. What did that make me? An emotional adulterer? Fuck if I knew. The entire situation was stressful.

Occasionally, I caught myself beginning to wonder if Noah thought about me as much as I thought about him. In those moments it was always straight outside to smoke, quitting be damned.

Finally, filming came to a close. The crew came into the trailer as we were packing up for the day with confetti poppers, yelling "WOOHOO!" I nearly jumped out of my skin —sudden noises still did that to me— but Noah just laughed and clapped at the "surprise." Someone popped a bottle of champagne and began to pour glasses.

"Thanks so much guys! This is everyone's special day." At this cue, I immediately went to the closet where he'd hidden gifts for the crew. He met me halfway back to where he'd been sitting, startling me as I turned around. But he just smiled and began to pass out the gifts alongside me. I hated how I blushed like a middle schooler at the proximity. I'm a fucking emotional cheater.

The trailer celebrations went on for some time, before Noah ceremoniously clinked his glass to get our attention. "I'd like to make a brief speech, if I can."

The crowd hollered enthusiastically and began chanting "speech! speech! speech!"

As if they could have any other reaction for their beloved star. I rolled my eyes, but found myself chanting along too, a stupid smile on my face. It felt good to be a part of something. Despite all of Cal's teasing, I really did feel like I was part of this project, part of this team.

Finally, Noah began his speech. "Alright this'll just be a minute, I know we all had a long day. Well, let's be honest— it's been a long two months! But I couldn't be happier with what we've all done together. I feel so thankful to have been part of this project. And I hope you all feel the same, because this couldn't have happened without you. On that note, I want to officially invite you all to a cast party at my apartment this Saturday! Please come and celebrate, and bring a plus one. I'd love to meet all of your families."

I was too busy staring at the floor to know for sure, but I swear he looked at me when he said that. I felt a pit in my stomach at the thought of Noah and Cal meeting, like a colliding of worlds. Despite his obvious curiosity, Noah had only asked me a few questions about Cal: what he did for work, where we had met... evidently my vague answers hadn't been enough for him.

Before I knew it, the buzzing of the crowd was pouring back into my ears. I missed the end of his speech in my ruminating. I downed the rest of my champagne and exited the trailer before I could be missed, fumbling in my pocket for a damn nicotine candy, wishing I had my cigarettes on me. The candies never had the same satisfaction.

•••

The day of the party came quickly. I threw on the nicest (well, only) suit I had and headed towards the door, sneaking a glance at Cal, splayed out on the couch with a beer. The image filled me with disgust.

"Are you sure you're not coming?" I asked one last time, not wanting to hear any shit from him later about how he wanted to go and I should've invited him.

"How many times do I have to tell you I'm not interested in that stupid gay party?" He yelled. "Just go already and let me watch my game in peace."

I rolled my eyes at the irony and bit the inside of my cheek to keep from yelling back. At least he was letting me go at all.

"Suit yourself," I said finally, before opening the door and heading out.

A/N
I hope you all enjoyed the chapter, I'm so thankful as always for everyone who's read to this point and stuck with this story. I think I can promise at least one more chapter before the end of 2024 :)
remember to vote and comment, I love hearing from you
—Jay