Sugar 『Buckyxfem!reader』

🦋 42 🦋

-Y/Ns pov-

"Right now I'm in the middle of nowhere. If I wait any longer a lot of people are gonna die. Peggy, Y/N, this is my choice. Y/N?"

"Yes, Captain?"
I stroke Peggy's arm.

"Don't do anything stupid-"

I cut him off.
"Don't use that line with me, douchebag. You better get your ass back. I need you here."

"Y/N can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Do you really think it was my fault?"

"It doesn't matter what I think because I know it wasn't. And I should've never told you that you didn't try hard enough. You are winning the war, big brother."

"You never called me that before."

"See what happens when you do something good? Now make sure you'll come back."

"Peggy?"

"I'm here."
She answers.

"I'm gonna need a rain check on that dance."

I chuckle. Eye to eye with death and still a gentleman.

Peggy's eyes fill with tears.
"Alright. A week, next Saturday, at the Stork Club."

"You got it. You know, I still don't know how to dance."

"I can show you. Just be there."

"We'll have the band play somethin' slow. I'd hate to step on your-"

Suddenly the line goes static and Peggy begins to cry.
"Steve? Steve? Steve?"

In disbelieve I look at the radio.

(one week later)

"How long has it been?"
My therapist takes her notebook and starts taking notes.

"A week."
Through the whole week I'm uncomfortable and therapy doesn't make it better.

"How was the week?"
She asks as if she doesn't know. As if the paleness of my skin, the red eyes and the poor state of my body aren't telling her how the week was.

"Cried my eyes out. I miss them. Both."
A lie. I didn't cry. I don't miss them. I feel nothing again. Nothing except the soreness in my throat when I throw up. At least I got my period.

"Are you eating?"

Barely.
"Two times a day. I force myself."
At least I wish I did.

"So you're not hungry?"
Of course she writes that down.

"Hardly."

"Anything else?"

I overheard a conversation about some sort of sleeping experiment. Dr. Erskine needs a volunteer. Just a few weeks asleep.

"No."
Again a lie.

"Are you lying to me?"

Yes.
"No."
I shake my head and sigh.

"Do you sleep?"

No.
"Yes."

"So you feel empty again, you don't eat and you don't sleep? But you are tired and not hungry or don't have an appetite."

"Yep."
Even if I lie to her she can tell it. I guess you get used to see through lies when people want to tell you the truth but don't do it. Or she simply used her eyes. I saw it myself, when I looked into the mirror this morning. Even though I cry at night, which is funny, I don't even know why, my eyes are dull and lifeless. 

"What are you thinking about?"

The experiment.
"Nothing."

"Is there anything you don't lie about?"

"It's not raining."

My therapist let's out a deep sigh.

As attempt to get out of here as soon as possible I tell her what she wants to hear.
"I'm trying, okay? Really hard. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what's wrong with me that I don't cry. Peggy cries. A lot."

Relieved my therapist writes something down.
"You still talk to Ms. Carter?"

"She's my best friend. I can't escape her and I guess I'm used to enjoying our conversations."

"Is there anyone else?"

Just a short make out session with Stark.
"No."

"And again you're lying to me."

"I'm helping Dr. Erskine and meet Howard Stark from time to time while working. Satisfied?"

"Well, our hour is over. Same time next week?"

"Can I say no?"

"No."

"Fine then."
I get up, take my stuff and leave.

Maybe I could meet Stark again? He's a good kisser. Makes me feel at least something. No, that's a dumb idea. If I meet him too often he'll think we could be a thing. And I don't want that.

Without thinking about where I'm going I find myself back in my appartment. A deep sigh leaves my body as I look through the boxes with James' stuff. Everything inside of me burns with every breath I take. Not even in my own apartment I get a bit of rest. As fast as possible I change my clothes and head towards the antique store that hides my workplace.

As I enter the lab I put on one of the white lab coats and approach Erskine.
"Hello Abraham. Can I talk to you?"

He sighs and finishes whatever he's doing.
"How can I help you, Agent?"

"That's a good question. How far are you with a certain... experiment?"
I smile, even if I don't feel anything I mean it.