Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

Jealous

"Come with me" I said practically dragging her to the kitchen so we could be as far as we could from the bathroom.
"Look things evolved in a way i wasn't expecting... she's not going to sue the hospital anymore, we talked... Where is Vanessa?" i was distracted by the thought that i hadn't seen her yet and she always came to hug me and give me a kiss when i got back home.
"What do you think? you promised her we were going out and then you disappeared for hours and weren't picking up your phone..."
"She's mad huh?" I said "I'm going to go talk to her in a minute..."
"You better look very sorry because i'mma tell you she was very disappointed"
"anyway what i wanted to tell you is she's not going to sue me, she just wants to revise her charts and documentation of medical procedures and then it's going to be fine... We did nothing wrong so hopefully i won't lose my job"
"you are unbelievable... i don't know how you could talk someone out of suing an entire hospital but i am not surprised..." she said and i actually didn't understand why she wasn't surprised, because i myself was "I'd probably do literally anything you ask me to" she then added cupping my face with her hands and suddenly noticed how cold i was.
"your face is so cold..." she said caressing my cheeks.
"and your hands are so warm" I said lingering in the warmth of her skin a while more.
"let's see if i can help..." she said and leaned forward to kiss me. I kissed her back and the situation escalated pretty quickly. I brought her closer to me and she really was so much warmer than me that i could actually feel the warmth through the thick layer of damp clothes covering me. Her hands were between my hair, those wet as well because i always forgot to carry an umbrella with me every time i went out. I caressed her back through her clothes because i didn't want to touch her bare skin with my cold hands. Of course something had to interrupt our moments and now it could be two people not just one.
"I'm really sorry i didn't want to interrupt" Eve said.
"please don't apologize, what did you need..."
"i was wondering if you could please lend me your blow dryer because i couldn't bring mine and i really need to dry my hair or i'll get a headache"
"of course... please ask for whatever you may need and relax, you're our guest" i said giving her a warm smile.
"i'll go get the blow dryer for you" Sarah said and left us.
"she hates me huh?"
"no she doesn't, she's just very protective"
"she can't stand near me for more than ten seconds"
"she will come around... she... we went through a lot, that's why she's like that"
"I think i have to apologize for my absurd behavior..."
"please don't... not just yet, you have to feel convinced i did not kill your mother and that most of all i didn't want to... Have the charts examined and then you can tell me what you mean to tell me now but if you have any questions i am an open book... you can ask me anything"
"i believe you wouldn't have gone through all this trouble if you could possibly be guilty of something... I want to let this go, let her go, i have to move on... i'm not going to cause any more problems"
"what do you mean, you are not a problem i understand that what you're going through is hard, please let me help you" I said trying to reassure that she was not a problem because her words didn't give me very good vibes.
"relax i'm not going to do anything drastic..." she chuckled "i just... one thing you said really struck me..."
"what was that?" i asked cautiously.
"you told me to grow up" she laughed "which is fun considering i believe i am a few years older than you but you're right... i don't have anything, my life revolved around her and trying to please her, do things right, be the best... i was so focused on pleasing her that i don't even know what my needs are anymore..." she said.
"okay..."
"so i want something more than just work, eat, sleep, repeat... I want what you have..." she said.
"Well... I am happy you actually found that helpful, that is what i was meaning to do, help, so i am really happy you've come to this conclusion but i want you to know you don't have to rush anything, you do things with your time, looks for what really makes you happy..." i said "and of course you can stay with us as much as you want i'd love to know you better and i'm sure sarah and vanessa will love
you too... well when i can get her to love me again because she's angry at me at the moment"
"i am not angry" Vanessa said peering at the end of the corridor.
"aren't you baby? a little angry at me because i had promised you we'd go for a walk and we didn't"
"no... i am angry at you for not answering your phone!"
"were you worried something had happened to me?" i said as i wasn't expecting that reaction, as always she managed to surprise me.
"yes, mum was worried, i heard how many messages she left you... you left for hours and didn't even text to say you were okay... who does that... i thought you were leaving us" that last sentence sufficed to make all my doubts disappear.
"no, look at me please baby..." she looked at me with her beautiful big eyes filled with tears and they seemed even bigger.
"i'm sorry i made you worry but i would never ever leave you... for no reason, do you understand, i love you both so much i couldn't even imagine living without you... I'd never leave" i said "i know i didn't answer my phone and you can be angry at me for that but please know that i will always come back home to you okay?" i said cupping her face with my hand.
"okay..." she sniffled "but i'm also a little angry because you'd promised we'd go out today"
"i know baby i'm so sorry but see... my hair is completely wet because it's raining, it's not a good day to go out but we will when it's going to be better"
"why did you go out then"
"a friend needed my help" i said.
"is she your friend?" Vanessa whispered at my ear and i chuckled because Eve would've probably been able to hear anyway.
"yes... she's my friend Eve, you don't know her because we've been friends since very little but wanna know who she is?" Vanessa looked at her curiously and than back at me and she nodded.
"she's doctor Lowen's daughter..." i said "do you remember her? I explained you what happened the other day..."
"I know she died..." Vanessa said a little less softly than i was trying to put it but that's what i was saying after all "i didn't know she had any children but you resemble her so much... i am sorry she died, i liked her very much but it's nice to meet you"
"the pleasure is all mine" Eve said a little embarrassed. Vanessa did that to people a lot, she was so young and sometimes very childish and that was normal to anyone but she has these moments in which she talked and acted like she was something like 35 years old and this struck people every time.
"here's the blow dryer... i couldn't find it, sorry!" Sarah said walking in on our moment.
"oh yeah... hum thank you so much"
"of course no problem" Sarah said but she seemed distant.
Eve left to go dry her hair and Vanessa had resolved all her doubts about me leaving them and she was playing with her toys on the sofa so that left me and Sarah a little space to talk.
"this is for you, dry your hair and give me your clothes they're soaked" she said handing me a towel.
"Sarah are you mad at me?" I asked "because you did look mad when we arrived but then you kissed me so i thought... please talk to me"
"i am not mad, get undressed" she said sounding very intimidating so i started undressing but i wasn't letting go.
"you can't say this kind of things while i'm trying to have a serious conversation" i said taking off my pants and my sweater.
"i know i just so wanted to say it" she giggled "and just so you stop obsessing i'm not mad or anything i just don't want you to get hurt, i don't know what happened, what you two talked about... but i can't force myself into trusting her as of now"
"Vanessa told me you were worried about me... so i thought maybe you were mad at me for not answering my phone"
"of course i was worried! you disappeared for hours... and then came back with the woman who wanted to sue you and take your medical license and..." she whispered.
"i told you we talked, she's come around, i will get more in depth when we'll have a little more privacy" I said.
"fine but i don't have to like her..." she said.
"you don't have to but she is not that bad"
"you are unbelievable, can i please remind you that this woman was determined to ruin your life just a few hours ago?" Sarah whispered pulling me in the kitchen and closing the door. Fortunately i had already finished getting dressed and was now drying my hair with the towel since Eve was using the blow dryer.
"Yes but she was in pain... you told me yourself, she was grieving and she needed to put it on me..."
"i know what i said but i don't remember saying yes, bring her home, don't worry about any of the consequences"
"she got tested before being allowed in the hospital and she had gotten tested at the airport when she arrived here"
"it wasn't what i meant... but at least we know this... what i meant is do you really trust her? i mean hasn't she changed her mind so suddenly?"
"Suddenly... please it was the hardest thing i ever had to do and yes, i trust her, I opened up and she's trying too... We don't have to be friends, I don't know if she will become something more than an acquaintance but i had to try to fix this... as the last thing i'd do for her... you know, i just felt like she was lost and i could meet her in the middle so i did" I said.
She looked at me not deeply persuaded yet but at some point her brows were relaxed again and she was smiling lightly.
"Sarah you're worrying me today i have to admit it, you go from worried to suspicious to smiling and i'm not understanding any of it." I said.
"I am still not sure how i feel about her but you are..." she pulled me closer to her while i was still attempting to get all the excess water out of my hair "..the most generous, empathetic, forgiving human i have ever known"
"I am no saint Sarah... I also did it to feel closer to her"
"and there is nothing wrong with this" she said leaving a sweet kiss on my forehead but i soon redirected her lips on mine.
She was wearing one of my hoodies which didn't fit her properly because i was a little taller so it was a bit larger than what she usually wore and since she was covered in too much cloth to satisfy my need of contact with her skin i left the towel on the counter and sneaked my hands, that had now properly warmed up, under her hoodie. She gasped at the contact and just excited me even more so I deepened the kiss and she eagerly responded with the same enthusiasm. I lift her up and sat her down on top of the kitchen counter and she clutched her legs around my waist. My hands quickly rose to her breasts and started massaging one of them as she softly moaned in the kiss but suddenly she just broke the kiss "wait... i'd love to go on but i'm afraid that we are just dangerously close to the point where we can't stop anymore".
I panted "i think you're right but i literally can't keep my hands off you" i said.
"well you have a guest to take care of..." she said absentmindedly.
"no... we have a guest... please can you make an effort? for me?" i tried to be convincing so she would at least consider rethinking her opinion of Eve.
"okay... i guess i am a little jealous... i mean she's... honestly pretty hot and don't deny it, younger..."
"you can't be serious" i chuckled.
"don't laugh at me, yes, i'm serious... I had rarely felt like this before... i mean when i saw you walk in together, the way you looked at each other made my blood boil"
"Sarah... I... She's gorgeous and young and whatever you want me to say i'm not denying it but did i do something that made you think i am attracted to her?"
"no... i don't know i'm just saying this is how i feel, it doesn't have to be rational... we don't even know if she's gay or-"
"this is not even a problem because, even if she was gay, i wouldn't want her because the only one i want is you..." I said "please believe me i am not interested in her"
"i believe you... i don't know about her though"
"i'm pretty sure she isn't interested in me either"
"i hope so..."
"honey you're so sweet but you have absolutely no reason to be jealous... i mean she could never fall in love with me... she could fall in love with you though, I should be jealous"
"so who am i falling in love with?" Eve said materializing at the door and i hadn't even heard her coming.
"oh... this is really embarrassing... we were just... it wasn't a serious conversation... it was-"
"i could fall in love with either of you if only you weren't already together" she chuckled.
"so you're gay..." Sarah said.
"i don't like labels but i have been attracted to women more than once" she said.
"don't like labels huh..." i said and she scrolled her head as to ask me what the matter was.
"no sorry it just reminded me of someone" i said giving Sarah my side eyes.
"she's just teasing because i used to say it too" she said "but it's the truth i mean i don't want any limitations to who i could or could not fall in love with"
"that's right i totally agree" Eve said "why should i chose... i could literally have anything, not excluding any possibility" she continued.
I didn't see it like them, or at least not 100% like them but i was glad they were actually finding some common ground.
"wait wait, you don't want any limitations to who you could fall in love with meaning you plan to fall in love with someone else anytime soon? because personally i'd like to know that..." i said to Sarah jokingly.
"no honey i am and always gonna be forever in love with you, what i meant is i wanna be able to potentially fall in love with anyone..." Sarah said "like i fell in love with Holland and then with you and you are completely different, starting from age to personality to whatever comes to your mind..."
"yeah but we're both women..." I said, every time we got into these matters it was like my brain went off i just wasn't on the same length as they apparently were.
"yeah and that's great but i didn't do that on purpose"
"yeah probably, but maybe you're more inclined to flirt, start a conversation or whatever with a woman more than a man because you subconsciously like them more... i don't know"
"it's just the whole concept is wrong here, you don't have to know, you just have to feel it, when it feels right it just does and honestly who cares what sexuality, gender or whatever you are or the person you fall for is" Eve said.
"i see you meant you were starting living more right now" i said and looked at her in awe for the person i was looking at who was nothing like the person i had talked to countless time on the phone and even different from the person at the graveyard a few hours back.
"i go all in with things... always..." she said.
"that explains why you almost kicked me out of the hospital i work in"
"as we're discussing it... i'm very sorry, i had no idea what i was doing but fortunately when we spoke you made me understand how much you cared about my mother and what a beautiful family you had here" she said.
"I told you you don't have to apologize, I understand why you were doing that..."
"i know you do... you actually understood that before i did but i was talking to Sarah" Eve said "I really owed her an apology for being so stupid, i know you probably hate me or at least you don't like me and you have all the rights to do so but i just wanted to tell you i am truly sorry and i'm so grateful i could stop before it was too late" she said with her eyes filled with tears again.
"okay, hey, it's fine, none hates you here... how about you get a little rest and we'll figure out the rest once you've had a little sleep?" i asked going to comfort her. She nodded.
"let's go, dear, let's get you in bed" i said and i walked her to her room.
She had those sorts of moods' swings it was hard to keep up with her. We were discussing sexuality and the second after she was apologizing endlessly to us but i thought it was just because she was exhausted from pain and anger and she was just confused, in need for someone to care for her.
"come on, get under the covers and get some sleep, you definitely need it" i said.
I tucked her in like i'd do with a kid and she smiled at me.
"none's done this for me in a very long time"
"you look like you need extra care and i'm happy to oblige" i said.
"can you... can you stay? like for a while"
"yeah of course" i said sitting on the edge of the bed.
"i was wondering... what was she like with the people she actually liked?" she asked suggesting that i should've known because she liked me.
"she was... an inspiration honestly... she had this way of really seeing people, how they behaved in class and in the wards. She always seemed to understand how anyone felt, like if you were nervous she could tell, she didn't always try to make you relax though, she asked questions, the kind of questions that told her what kind of student you were, if you were the kind who was late or showed up too little in class she had the power to make you so uncomfortable that you would start being the first of the class. She wasn't the kind of intimidating that scared you away and made you quit... she was the kind who inspired you to be like her, put you back on the tracks if you were lost" I said.
"of course she was..." she sighed "i mean everyone who met her was hypnotized... did she do it for you too? you were lost?"
"i... i have been dealing with some crazy stuff but i never wanted to quit studying... i never said 'i can't' or if i said it she knew i didn't mean it, and that i would commit my body and soul to whatever the task was, i think that's what she saw that made her take a chance on me... and i'm glad she didn't give up on me when i got sick because i don't think i'd be here now without her" i said putting out in words all the guilt that permanently resided in my rib cage for not being able to save her.
"wait you were sick?" she asked now genuinely interested to the story but she took a step back after seeing some tears in my eyes "oh i'm sorry you don't have to talk about it"
"no" i paused and looked up to avoid tears spilling out of my eyes "it's fine i.... i had kidney failure... as a complication of untreated diabetes"
"you have diabetes?"
"yeah it's not that uncommon in young people" i said as she probably didn't know.
"i didn't know that" she said "but you knew you had diabetes right? so why didn't you treat it properly?"
"i thought i did but someone was sabotaging my insulin shots whit saline..." i said.
"oh my god this is insane..."
"i know... that was my darkest hour, i was alone, unsure if i would survive or not, unsure what would've my life been like if i had survived... and your mother was there all the way through. She really helped putting me back on my feet, she payed me as her assistant even when i was physically too weak to get out of bed so that i could at least pay the rent..."
"it's been hard huh?" she said, she seemed to be starting to like me more.
"it's been... challenging..." i half smiled.
"what about them?" she said nodding her head in the direction of the door and i knew she was talking about Sarah and Vanessa "where do they fit in the story"
"me and Sarah... we met for the strangest case... She's an actress in this very famous show i was absolutely obsessed about... and one day i saw there was a contest for the best work of art related to this tv show so i thought i'd give it a try because the winner got to meet Sarah so i just had to try..."
"Yeah that's why she had a familiar face! i must've seen her on tv" she said "so go on, sorry" she said resuming her concentrated expression.
"so i did this contest and I won... my painting won, actually" I chuckled... I had almost forgot how much joy that story brought me "so then i flew all the way here... i was supposed to stay here 3 days but i guess i just stayed three years" i giggled.
"so you guys fell in love in three days?!"
"yeah... it was very messy, very fast, with a lot of alcohol involved" i said and she chuckled "but it's also been tough when i was sick, we've been apart for one whole year..." i sighed.
"wait why..." she looked confused and who could blame her honestly.
"yeah, hum, you know how i told you someone was sabotaging my therapy..." she nodded fast, impatient for me to go on "yeah well that someone was her stalker and my classmate..."
"oh... my god you can't be serious"
"i am... i had to leave because i was so scared he could hurt if i didn't so i just did but then i got sicker and was in a coma for a couple months until a donor came by and after that... the same day i woke up after the transplant i went to the police and they started investigating but they told me to stay off all social media, not to contact sarah for any reason and also trying to leave the house the less i could so that's what i did for a year and believe me it was hard but i had your mom... and Vanessa... they were my lighthouse... Me and Vanessa met at the hospital, she had leukemia at the same time i was waiting for the transplant, she helped me a lot to feel less alone while i was there and after I got better I of course wasn't able to leave her anymore I loved her too much by that time so i started thinking about adopting her and maybe we could've lived together when we would've been both doing better... in the meantime they got Sarah's stalker so i was free again and I met Sarah again... That I think was your mother who made it possible because we met again at a found raising event for our research..." i took a deep breath before going on.
"we talked, I told her everything that had happened and she told me she had talked to him and he had told her i was dead..."
"no..."
"yeah, I know... anyway from that moment we never separated again... we found each other again and it was like the previous year hadn't even existed, we were at the exact same point and so we decided to give it another shot... We adopted Vanessa, she beat leukemia so we took her in with us and from 0 to 100 we were a family... But as rushed as it may sound i don't think we've ever been happier... I mean this whole situation is hard..." i said.
"and there was me not making it any better" she said sighing.
"i have to say you played a fairly big part but it's important that you know i don't blame you for anything and i understand your reaction completely..." I said "I myself was very angry... at myself in the first place but i swear i couldn't have done any more than I did"
"i know" she said taking my hand and squeezing it lightly "it just had to go like this, i will accept it sooner or later... but i really was wrong about you... I hope i haven't blown up all our chances to be friends... i really could use some friends"
"of course not..." i sniffled and smiled "friends, family, whatever you need you have me, Sarah and Vanessa" I said actually relieved in hearing her words.
"thank you so much... you are good person..."
"well you are too" i smiled.
"yeah... goodnight Sylvia"
"goodnight" i said getting up and closing the door to her room on my way out.
I went back in the kitchen and all the lights were out, so i went in mine and Sarah's bedroom.
"Oh hi stranger" she said. I took the hint.
"did we really stay up talking so much?"
"I guess so..." she said not raising her eyes from the book she was reading.
I got into my pajama silently, thought i might wanted to give her and me a little more time so i could elaborate how to tell her i was sorry in the right way.
"Sarah..." I said getting into bed but she wasn't paying any attention to me or at least that was what she wanted me to believe.
"are you angry at me?" i asked and even though i wasn't expecting an answer i got a quick no.
"okay... then i'll rephrase are you jealous?" I asked and this time she glared at me from the side of her glasses.
"i'll take it for a yes... but i told you you don't have any reason at all to be"
"i can't help it okay?! it just gets to me she's all i am not"
"what are you talking about?"
She closed her book and put it on the bedside table.
"i am talking about the fact that she is younger than me, she's a lawyer, you both are so incredibly smart, you're... I mean you're fucking beautiful and she is too-"
"stop! you're just freaking out for no reason at all... I don't love her, I am not in bed with her right now, I love you and I am in bed with you and there's so place on earth i'd rather be..." i said "and I don't give two fucks that she's young and she's a lawyer, who cares?! she is not the woman i love, you are... I am sorry if i have in any way made you doubt how much I love you but i don't think i did anything wrong honestly" I said.
"is just that when I look at myself now at 45 i know i am not like I was in my early 30s-"
"i am not going to listen to one more word... if you wish to go on by yourself i'll sleep on the sofa" I said waiting for her to say anything but she stayed silent as to tell me she didn't want me to go "just as I was thinking... come here" i said taking her in my arms, she rested her head on my shoulder and entangled her legs with mine under the covers.
"I love you so much Sarah you will never have to doubt it... I am so grateful i have you, you are literally the best thing that's ever happened to me... You and Vanessa are my miracles, something i never thought would exist for me... I would never give that up, for any hot lawyer in her 30s" i said and I squeezed her shoulder with my hand.
"I love you too, i'm sorry i don't know why i'm acting like this" she said.
"can i tell you one thing?" i asked and she nodded against my chest "it is cute that you're jealous... but it's also unbelievable that you don't see how lucky i am to have you..."
"is it? i feel terrible" she sighed.
"yeah definitely but i like you more when you're happy and you're not worrying about this sorts of things" I said and she raised her head to look at me.
She looked gorgeous, those big brown eyes and rosy cheeks were just too perfect... i gently took off her glasses and put it safely on the nightstand.
As soon as i turned to face her again she kissed me and even though with a little surprise i kissed her back. It was gentle and soft at the very beginning but it became more passionate as soon as my hand finally reached the switch to turn the light off.

A/N i guess i just get times when i can't even write a single word of this fanfiction anymore and then times when all i can think about is i want to continue this... So when times like this come I just have to update bc i wouldn't be able to function as a normal human being if i didn't... I'll stop talking eventually... what i really wanted to say is, if anyone still reads these notes, is that i've noticed a lot of new people started reading this. I love you guys so much. Some of you can go through 37+ chapters in a day and i mean that's a huge part of your day you're dedicating to this thing i'm writing so i really wanted to thank you guys... seeing you vote and comment really contributes a lot to my motivation to keep going. Thank you for whatever number of reads we've reached today... at this point all that follows is a bonus! I love you, stay safe! 💕