Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

Explanations

The following day when I woke up the alarm fortunately didn't wake Sarah too so I sneaked out of bed slowly and trying not to make a sound. She was sleeping so peacefully I couldn't help but let my eyes indulge on her face and body for a moment before smiling and silently closing the bathroom door. I got dressed, brushed my teeth, tried to adjust my hair just to look presentable trying to be as silent as possible. When I got out of the bathroom she was still sound asleep so I quickly grabbed my shoes and was about to open the front door but something on my way went wrong because I hit a chair with my foot and bit my lower lip so hard it bled, I stood there for a moment trying to understand if I had fucked up waking her up when I heard her groan "sneaking out of bed after sex and then waking me up before leaving is not really kind you know?" She giggled so I took a few steps back.
"I'm sorry I wasn't planning a collision with the chair" I said sitting at the end of the bed.
"Where were you going?" She asked me.
"Uhm... I'm meeting B at the library because she had a few problems while studying for an exam I've already done and she asked if I could help her" I answered and made a mental note to tell B to go along with it.
"Okay, uh so have a good time studying something you already know" she sarcastically said.
"I'm sorry I wanted to stay but..." I looked at her trying to make her understand I couldn't just say no.
"But you can't help being such a good and generous friend" she smiled cupping my face kissing me.
"I love you, did I already tell you?" I said not wanting to depart from her lips.
"Yeah but keep reminding me of it" she chuckled and kissed me again "but what about a date tonight? We haven't seen each other in a long time and I am desperate for a little time just the two of us."
"It sounds great. I can't wait, but you choose the place" I said giving her a quick kiss and grabbing my bag and coat.
"Of course! I love you!" She said and I had just the time to tell her I loved her too before rushing out the door.
Shit. A romantic evening isn't exactly the right occasion to talk to her... but what can I do... I couldn't just refuse. I have to find a way to talk to her before tonight. I just put these thoughts aside for the moment because I was already late and needed to hurry.
"I'm here, I'm late, sorry" I said trying to catch my breath.
"Where the hell were you?!" The nurse asked me guiding me through the hallways "I was starting to worry, at least text me next time"
"I'm sorry Ali I didn't mean to make you worry about me, neither I thought you would, actually" I said taking my place as the ritual was pretty familiar at that point.
"If Helena asks me a favor I'll do my best and if she cares about you I do care about you too, you understand?" She said clearly waiting for an answer.
"Yeah yeah, I know I'm sorry my girlfriend just got back after a month I hadn't seen her" I explained.
"Oh..did you tell her?" She asked while preparing the needles and venous lines.
"Why does everyone keep asking me this?" I sighed talking to myself mostly.
"Because you need to do it, she has to know, professor Lowen won't be happy when she'll know you didn't tell your girlfriend yet." She always called her 'professor Lowen' when she wanted to intimidate me, while it was just Helena when there was no reason to make me more anxious.
"I know I need to do it before tonight" I said and my mind was already thinking about a way of telling her this.
"You wanna do this? Make practice?" She giggled.
"For God sake who makes practice on herself..." I sighed as that big needle really scared me.
"I was teasing you" she laughed.
"Yeah, just do it" i said and she really did because I felt a burning pain in the middle of the inner part of the arm and it made my nails dig deep into my thigh "Just tell me when you're going to do this next time" i sighed deeply.
"Sorry... uh... enjoy the next few hours and call me if you need something" she said and gave me a soft smile.
"Ali" I called and she turned back at me.
"Oh this was fast" she laughed "what?"
"Wh-where's James?" I said but hesitated because I didn't want something bad happening to him. I had met him on my second day while he had been undergoing dialysis for 10 years but he was 70 now.
"Late, just like you, but he's a gentleman, he warned me he would be late" she winked at me so I just sighed in relief.
I just sat there watching blood flow out of my body than through the engine and back into my body like I've been used to it but when I stopped and thought about it I felt scared like I couldn't breathe at the thought that this could have been the rest of my life and I was just 23.
This alone time wasn't really doing good to me because I had none distracting me from those thoughts, at first I wished Sarah could be there with me but she didn't even know where I really was and I felt shitty for lying to her. So the second person I wished to have there incredibly was my brother but this was even less probable than Sarah so apparently I had to do this alone. I began to feel drained and exhausted and I fell asleep shortly after.
"Knock knock, I'm sorry to interrupt your beauty sleep but there's someone looking for you, may I let her in?" Ali asked in a concerned look.
"Oh shit" I cursed suddenly remembering I hadn't told anything to B. "Of course let her in and then pray she doesn't kill me" I said starting to feel anxious, it must have been Sarah and she sure as hell was beyond angry.
I tapped my foot on the floor nervously trying to figure out what to say, a convincing reason for not telling her about this but what could I say? I had no excuse...
"I think you may have something to tell me" a really disappointed Sarah told me but I could swear of having saw her sighing a little when she saw me linked to the big engine.
"Uhm... yeah maybe I do" I gulped "but please sit down because you're making me beyond anxious"
She sighed and sat down on a chair next to me but completely silent waiting for me to speak first.
"Oh God where do I start telling you this..." I said but I wasn't really talking to her.
"From the beginning might be a good start" she crossed her arms on her chest and she seemed to be feeling really uncomfortable looking at the blood flow so I leaned forward raising her chin for her to look at my face "are you ok?" I asked and she nodded.
"Ok just ignore this" I said and tried to adjust as my arm wasn't in her direct sight but I couldn't move a lot "you know when you surprised me on New Year's eve? That was when my teacher came to tell me she wanted to talk to me..." she lightly nodded.
"Well that's basically when I knew it for the first time, the exams I had undergone hadn't given really good results and it came out my kidneys weren't really working so good..." I paused "well actually one of them wasn't working at all so she suggested me to take a period of dialysis to relieve pressure on my kidneys and seeing if they would restart working after this period"  I tried to explain it without adding too much detail.
"So you've gone through this alone... and you didn't tell me exactly because..." she was waiting for an explanation.
"Because you weren't there Sarah, you were in a different place every day and you needed to be focused on what you were doing. I didn't want to give you something to worry about.." here, the truth, right on her face, I just prayed so hard she wouldn't get mad.
"I thought you would tell me anyway if something bad happened to you" she said "I really thought you trusted me enough" she sounded so hurt it hurt me too.
"I do. There's none I trust more. But you were so happy every time we talked on the phone that I never had the courage to ruin that happiness. You don't have the slightest idea how many times I was about to tell you but then I ended up delaying the moment" I really tried to make her understand everything I did was in her interest and that I didn't want to hurt her "how did you find out today anyway?"
"I wanted to surprise you at the library but I ended up surprising Blythe and oh... she was petrified when she saw me" she explained in a very disappointed tone.
"Yeah I was supposed to join her after finishing this" I said and looked at her. Her expression was always something I couldn't really define.
"Yes it was a flawless plan uh?" She said.
"It wasn't a plan I was trying to do things in the less traumatic way I could but I forgot to tell her that she needed to go along with what I had told you and I totally fucked up and ended doing worse" I said and I really didn't know what else I could say.
"I guess so" she said and scrolled her shoulders, she seemed about to melt down.
"Look Sarah, I'm sorry and I understand whatever your decision about this is going to be. I mean I'm a mess and you don't deserve all of this but much better, I know that you're angry and hurt and if you don't even wanna see me again you're totally right, but just know I did it because I love you too much and I often mess things up when I have too strong feelings for someone and honestly I have never felt like this about someone. I am too afraid to lose you but I keep giving you reasons to leave me..." my eyes watered and I had seen her face slowly changing from a terrified to a rather sad look.
I shut up waiting for her to say something.
"I think I understand why you didn't tell me, I wasn't there for you when you needed me and I really hate myself for this sometimes but you need to know I love you and I try my best to be as good as you are to me but there are things I can't change like there may be periods we don't see each other but to be fine with that I need to know you won't be trying to lift the world on your shoulders alone because I would always be there to help you." She said, her eyes stuck on my arm and watering too.
"Will you please look at my face?" I said cupping her chin with my free hand.
"I'm sorry" she sniffled "it's just my brain can't process this right now, this is... you... I don't even know... I don't want to lose you"
"Come here" i said and gestured to invite her to sit on my lap "if you're not too scared, I promise I'm not a Transformer"
She stood up and gently sat on my lap carefully avoiding anything that could've hurt me if she had touched it. Once she adjusted and laid her head on my shoulder I whispered "You're never going to lose me, never ever, not even if you wanted to okay?"
"Okay, you better stay with me forever, do you understand?" She said and pecked three times on my chest with the last three words.
"Yeah, I understand" I giggled.
"Does this change our plans for tonight?" She asked.
"Hell no! I'm not going let this situation swallow more of our well deserved happiness" I said "Actually as I was here doing nothing but stare out the window I came out with a place you might like... so do you mind if I take you there? I know it was your turn to chose so if you still want to chose we'll go there next time"
"No it's okay, you chose, I can skip my turn" she tilted her head up to face me.
"Ok so I'm going to try hard to make you forgive me" I said and smiled a little to reassure her. She sniffled and her eyes were all red and puffy she looked even cuter if it was possible.
"I have nothing to forgive you for" she said.
"Let's say I'm training for when I'll have something to make up for, then. Because it will happen indeed, you know, right?" I said and she giggled at least.
"Let's say so then" she said and slapped gently and playfully on my cheek.
"Heeey you-" I froze as someone walked in.
"Oh, how embarrassing, I always seem to walk on you two" my teacher said still her hand on the door's handle "Anyway I just came to check if you were ok but since you're in good company I'm not going to bother you too much" she said and entered the room lightly smiling at Sarah who got up and sat back on the chair.
"Uhm ok, thank you but I think I'm done, it was nearly four hours like the passed times"  I said observing her reading values on the engine.
"Yes, you're right! But Ali's busy at the moment so I'm doing it" she said.
"Oh I can do it myself if you don't..." I said but she suddenly responded.
"Don't be silly I can do it, I did worse" she giggled and leaned down a little to approach the tubes in my arm but I tried to tell her not to do this in front of Sarah with my eyes. Fortunately she understood in time.
"Uhm.. Miss Paulson, can you please wait outside? It will take less than a minute anyway I promise" professor Lowen politely asked.
"Of course I'll be right there" she said giving her a polite smile and she stood up "You'll be okay?" She asked before leaving us "I am okay" I said and squeezed her hand before she closed the door behind her.
"You're cute" she said and smiled a little while taking off all the things that kept the venous line in place. I was a little shocked because she always kept it pretty formal or at least detached when she was with me.
"Uhm.. Thank you, I guess" I uttered.
"Yeah she looks like she really cares about you" she said and a dumb smile must have happeared on my face because she might have thought I was distracted when she pulled the catheter out.
"Ouch!" I bit on my lip and held my breath for a few seconds. "Why do I never get used to this?" I asked rhetorically.
"Are you really asking?" She said with a smirk because she was aware the other student used to make fun of her because she could start lecturing for hours if you asked her just a simple question but she wasn't really giving a crap on what a bunch of students thought.
"No no, thank you, I'm fine for today" I said, it was strange because she acted like a friend today and it surely was the first time something like that happened.
She pressed a bandage on my arm and readjusted my sleeve on it.
"Here... Ready to go" she said taking a step back from me and opened the door for Sarah to come back in.
I stood up but maybe too quickly because my sight blurred a little and my legs couldn't lift me up but fortunately Sarah noticed in time and she put my arm around her shoulder holding me tightly to keep me up on my feet.
"Hey hun you okay?" She asked.
"Yeah I'm sorry but it happens sometimes"
"It happens because this treatment removes a lot of liquids from your blood" professor Lowen said "Drink this before you go" she said handing me a huge glass of water of the ones originally made for coffe. I let go of Sarah shoulders as I felt more stable on my feet now. "Don't forget to follow the diet and try to drink as much as you can" she reminded me.
"Yeah I'm already doing it" I said raising the cup she had handed me for her to see.
"Well, looks like you can go now..." she sighed a little.
"Thank you, have a good day" I said and Sarah shook her hand smiling.
"Oh but before you go I was about to forget... Would you mind seeing Jessie when you're coming next time for your therapy? You can say no and it will be fine, I understand."
"I don't mind, actually I would really like to see her, she was one of the few I had created a real relationship with" I said and I was happy she was looking for my help again, meaning her new 'assistant' wasn't so able of doing the things I did.
She smiled "I hoped you said so" she smiled widely, but I'm afraid there's something else, but for Sarah, may I have a word..?" She asked Sarah and I was a little surprised at first and even more when I felt Sarah's body tense next to mine.
"Yes" she said and stepped forward "I'll be right back honey" they went back into the room i was in before and I just profited to check my phone.
[Sarah's POV]
"Is everything fine doctor?" I asked because the need to talk to me alone worried me a lot.
"Yes don't worry I just wanted to make things clear for you now that she has told you what she's up to" she said.
"She... hasn't really told me, it was more me finding out randomly, but we talked about it and we're fine if that's what you were worried about" I reassured her because the woman herself looked really nervous.
"I don't mean to interfere with your relationship but I really do care about her, since she stepped in my ward for the first time I have discovered the strong character she has, never showing fear or concern but always questioning her positions as she always wants to progress. She has a strong knowledge and I may say a little talent too. Even though I had to suspend her from her work for me I'm eager to get her back when she gets better because I'll do anything that's in my power to accomplish this but I need your help."
"I didn't know there was something I could do but ask me anything and I'll do it" I said though her little speech had really shocked me and also made me a little jealous but I knew it was pointless.
"It's not something material but it may be even more important. You stay positive around her, try and talk to her about her feelings on things she's going through because she may act the strongest but she's young and she's scared so please, I know it's hard task, I know you're scared too but always remember you're doing it for her" she said and unexpectedly held my hand "and yeah you both can always come talk to me, it may seem early for therapy yet but trust me if I say it helps"
"I'll do my best doctor, anything to help her out of this" I said, we then greeted and I stepped out the room back to Sylvia and we went out.
"So I must go see B because she surely was about to freak out since she saw you at the library" she said pulling out a little laugh and shook her head. What's there I wouldn't do just to hear that little laughs forever?
"Mmh yeah and tell her I'm not angry at her" I said thinking back at that little fight we had had out the library.
"I will, so... pick you at 7?  Because it may take a while to get to... the place" she said and she was about to say the name of the place but unfortunately she remembered she wanted to surprise me.
"Oh no! It was so close to slip out your mouth" I joked remarking this.
"Almost, but you won't find out until tonight, now I really need to go" she gave me a look like asking if I was ok.
"Sure, go, see you tonight then." I said and leaned in to kiss her. There was no use in being angry at her and I wanted to profit of every moment.
"See you tonight, I promise it's going to be very special. I have few ideas crossing my mind by now, hope I'll be able to... you know, surprise you" she bit her bottom lip and looked so cute I couldn't help but stare.
"Can't wait" I said but then the overprotective part of me had to add "text me sometimes during the day just to say you're alive and you're fine ok? I have a shooting for a magazine today so I may not have the time to reply but I'm reading everything"
"Sure, don't worry" she said with a smirk and sweetly kissed me goodbye.

SO SO CLOSE TO 4K READS 😱  You're all crazy, but really I want to thank each one of you for reading this story, even if just one person have read up to this point and liked it it still feels like a success to me. I'll be waiting for your feedbacks as always and I hope you enjoyed the chapter.
Oh and... I felt it was best to post this in two separated parts because it was super long and I know it can be tiring to read such long chapters so... if it feels like it doesn't make much sense on its own just know it's because part two is coming. 😂