Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

You did it for her

"How did it end?" I heard a voice asking but I think I was still too messed up and almost still 90% asleep to answer.
"She cried herself to sleep..." Sarah's voice said trembling and she sounded so tired. I had almost forgotten she was still there beside me but I didn't have the guts to see her in pain and sleep deprived when I knew she had so many things to do and she needed energy for that.
"I'm sorry Sarah I really didn't know how to handle this, it was something bigger than me, I guess"
"I get it Blythe, she is your friend, what I don't get is why they made you do this, it wasn't your duty..." Sarah said slightly worried and her voice was a little rough like it always was when she was tired.
"They thought I could give her more comfort and reassurance but I wasn't even able to deliver it to her, she had to find out alone.." B's voice broke at the end.
"No... 'alone' is what she will never be until air fills my lungs so please... at least try to be strong, for her" Sarah whispered and she got down the bed away from my side which I felt immediately cold.
"I talked to her grandma and told her to tell her parents... they should be here by tomorrow as she told me" Sarah said arranging her things.
"Are you sure she would've wanted you to tell them..." B asked and my heart froze when I understood my parents were on their way here but voted for still acting asleep.
"I don't know, but I think a 23-year-old diagnosed with kidney failure should at least have her family beside her" she said no matter how hard she tried her voice would always break on the 23 year old and the kidney failure part. I didn't hear a reply from B so I assumed she just nodded at that or something and then left the room so I decided to finally 'wake up'. I let out a soft hey but my voice was rough from crying.
"Hey" Sarah said softly approaching the bed, she sat down by my side, but I noticed she had her purse on her shoulder already.
"You leaving" I let out even though I didn't mean to really say it out loud, I didn't want her to neglect her career and her job for me or feel guilty because she wasn't neglecting work for me.
"Babe I have to, but I'll be back as I finish, I'll just stop home for a shower and a change of clothes... because you know, I think not showering is gross" she chuckled though her eyes were not smiling as her lips were.
"You're doing that thing when your eyes don't match the moves of your lips..." I said but she looked confused "Sarah... you're tired, I don't really want the life to be sucked out of you before I leave this world myself so go home, and stay there, rest, for god sake, you need rest" I said.
"I'm going to ignore the first part and I don't really want to hear something like that again..." she firmly said "Ok then listen to me, that's the plan... I'm going to stop home for a shower and then come back here, better?" She smiled.
"Nothing changed..."
"Exactly, I just thought you wanted to hear that once again before you stopped complaining" she said in an ironic manner, her ironic manner when you know she is joking but she telling the truth too "now please, drop it, I'm not going to let you win on this one" she said.
"Let me win... pff, please..." I said furrowing my eyebrows and she let out a small laugh.
"Whatever, I have to go now... but my strong, loving girlfriend better be back for when I come back too" she said glancing at me.
"I'll let you know if she comes visiting" I ironically said and there, we were even again.
"Fine. I really never win with you" She groaned, what was she, a 10-year-old? Well yes, my 10-year-old. She made her way to the door, "Sarah" I called for her before she disappeared in the hallways.
"Yes?" She looked at me like she was expecting to fall from my own feet any moment  but I felt better and had no problem walking.
"I love you" I said settling a few strands of her blonde hair behind her ear.
"Oh, welcome back, I love you too" she said kissing me briefly but it was meaningful anyway and then she rushed out probably almost late for work.
I spent the day going through different checks, exams, TC and all the shit they do for "routine". As if my routine hadn't been completely turned upside down...
Every time I was alone I felt this pangs of panic in my stomach, thousands of thoughts occurred to my mind showing me the worst scenarios and sometimes distracting myself wasn't enough, they never really abandoned me, I struggled to push them all in the darkest corner of my mind and just leave them there but they kept coming back.
From that day on I cried a lot but just when Sarah wasn't around, certain days the pain in my back was so strong, so penetrating that I could barely deal with it unless they gave me the strongest painkiller but they also clouded my mind, I felt slow and confused and I hated that but at least they took away a little bit of my pain even though it always came back sooner or later.
My parents and Sarah were always doing shifts in order not to leave me alone, literally I had zero time to be alone, not even when I was asleep, there was always someone that I found asleep on that damn armchair beside my bed. Not that I disliked not being alone at least I was busy acting strong for someone else and didn't have time to panic but I also hated to see them so drained, exhausted from preoccupation and I didn't know what to do to make them feel better.
One day, I wasn't even sure what day it was, I woke up sore as every and each day that I had spent there, the only things that could've woken me up were the twinges of pain radiating from my kidneys. I did my best not to wake Sarah up because she was sleeping sitting in the armchair with her head on my harm and her hands were holding mine. 'SUN' I read on her watch, it was Sunday then, and she was there sleeping like that and going to wake up with the worst backache ever. In a moment I recollected all the memories from all the Sundays we had spent together, I thought pain and depression had ripped them too from my mind but they would never fade, I couldn't just forget the moment when I was the closest to touch the sky with a finger. When I cooked her breakfast and spoiled her having it on a tray in bed, the lazy days when we would just lay in bed and do nothing but cuddling, watching movies or eating ice cream, or all the times I caught sight of her with her glasses on, completely immersed in a book and in the perfect light and I would grab a piece of paper from whatever or even a napkin and start sketching her until she eventually noticed and blushed but allowed me to finish by staying still, this made me think that besides that blushing thing she actually enjoyed it when she randomly caught me sketching her, it made her feel important to me, what she didn't know was that she was important for me every fraction of second of my life, there wasn't a thought I had that didn't imply her, I always did what I did motioned by her and what could please her or not.
I stroked her face gently trying not to wake her up I just wanted to feel her, it seemed like ages I haven't been fully mentally present, our conversations always ended with me falling asleep due to the strong painkillers or if it wasn't that the pain would exhaust me to the point I couldn't do anything but vomit and I'd rather have B or my mother to help me in that moments because I didn't want her to see me weak.
Tying little strands of wavy hair behind her ear so that I could look at her magnificent face I may hadn't been gentle enough because she started waking up. "Sorry Sari, didn't mean to wake you..." I faintly said.
"Are you okay babe?" She asked with a little reassuring smile.
"Mhmh I think so" I lied because I had just woke up in pain but I only wanted to profit of her presence.
"It's so nice you're actually awake and present, I've missed you so much baby" she said kissing the back of my hand with teary eyes.
"I know babe I'm sorry but I- oh!" I said as my eyes shut close to help me deal with the sharp pain.
Sarah held my hand tighter "do you want me to get someone?" She asked already almost standing up.
"No, no, it's okay, it comes and goes"
"Stay strong babe... This will work out I'm sure" she said her eyes welling up with tears even more.
"Sarah, I..." I didn't know how to find the words.
"No, don't say anything, I'm being positive for the both of us since you're not doing it"
"It's not that I don't want to be positive Sari it's just that I mean weeks have passed and I'm not doing better... as a matter of fact I'm doing worse and this is just going to get worse and worse"
"But... but you're on the list for kidney donations" i cupped her face with my hand as she talked to wipe away a few tears.
"I know but that list is probably a few years long Sarah... you know that too, you were here when doctor Lowen told me" I said.
"But she also said that it's a compatibility issue, you could have the best compatibility and get it before someone else" she said.
"High compatibility is beyond rare Sari don't dwell on that" I said caressing her cheek to keep me distracted from the pain in my back "I just don't want you to go through this, you don't deserve the pain that comes with being with me... I know I had said I wouldn't be trying to protect you anymore but I just... I want you to be happy" 
"Oh no we're back at this again..." she backed away from my touch and suddenly the pain grew stronger but I fought it back.
"No! We're not back at anything I'm just-"
"Why can't you just let me be by your side and just not complain about it?!" She practically yelled at me and I was about to say something but I was cut off by her, again "no wait, don't even say whatever it is you were going to say. I'm going to make your dream come true" she let her arms fall to the sides, grabbed her purse and I let her go... that wasn't how I imagined it, not that I looked forward to... the end of us but we were better off on our own, because I knew I was going to hurt her and I couldn't so I just figured getting her tired of me was the best way for her.
I put my headphones on, music was loud, actually as loud as possible trying to cover the noise of my thoughts. I fell asleep again but was soon woken up again by a gentle touch adjusting needles in my arm.
"What..." I groaned beginning to feel again the sharp pain in my back "Michael... what are you doing here, I haven't seen you in ages" I said trying to sound friendly but a tingle in the back of my head told me he wasn't there to catch up on the last gossips.
"Yeah I know right? I thought I could pay you a visit" he said but I couldn't figure why now...
"I've been here for... what? A month I think by now, you've taken your time" I insinuated.
"You know, replacing you was hard task, I was busy working day and night. Especially a patient gave me a hard time but I think it was because you were sneaking under her guard with fake friendship instead of getting it professionally"
"I'm not sneaking anywhere, you must have gotten it wrong, but you looked a little slower from the first time" I chuckled.
"Yes, you're right, but look where you are and where I am" he said standing up and in my head I remember I thought I was relieved he was leaving.
"Yes, you took my work, happy now? I'm not going to come get it back because I'll probably be dead soon enough" I snapped.
"Where's your girlfriend?" He asked out of nowhere.
"I don't know and I don't think its your business anyway" I said not willing to give him any information.
"You had the perfect life you know? Really, dating a woman like her, studying and working and doing both brilliantly" I started to be scared but before he could go on I thanked god I had put the recorder on the shortcuts of my phone, because I used to record some lectures, and put it on under the covers "but in all that perfectness there was a crack... and that's where I made my way into your life, you remember me worrying, offering to do your injections for you since you seemed completely incapable of doing one without bleeding? Or again me trying to regain your trust offering to take your shift on New Year's eve, you getting worse? Doctor Lowen firing you, and who came to take your place? Me" I was just beginning to realize, like pieces of the puzzle finally fitting together.
"It was always you? I'm impressed, so you thought of giving me fake insulin injections, sabotaging my cure, causing all of this so that you could take my place at work? Wow, you could have pointed a gun to my temple and I would've resigned in that moment, was it that necessary to kill me?" I said but then it occurred to me, the fault in my reasoning.
"Oh I see it from your eyes you understood now, wanna try again?" He said and sounded sincerely amused by the conversation.
"You did it for her... for Sarah... not for competition in work." My heart dropped, I felt the urge to do something for her but damn I couldn't move, let alone call for help, he would have probably cut my throat open right away "Why... I mean are you in love with her? Because she never defined her sexuality but she's mostly dated women that I can say" I said still trying to get deeper.
He came closer to me and half smiled reading out loud the dose of painkillers I needed to bear with the pain and that was written on the IV, he gently pulled the wire out of the needle that linked it to my arm "You know I understood when she was with powerful, outstanding women like Holland Taylor but it seems they were not meant to be... so if I can't have her why should you have her?" He smiled and I feared, for me, but for the first time I feared for Sarah too. "Enough... time to sleep" he said and quickly injected something in my arm but I didn't get the time to realize it that I blacked out.
Several hours later I was brought back in the world of the living by someone tugging me "Sylvia wake up! Wake up!" B was calling for me in a whispering-yelling manner I didn't fully get.
"What? What?! stop pulling me, it hurts..." I said looking down to see a big bruise on my arm and the IV wasn't plugged into the needle.
"What the fuck happened? Did you pull this off?" The look on her face was between scared and angry.
"What? No!" I practically yelled.
"Then what happened?" She asked but I suddenly had a clearer view on what had happened and remember I had my phone under the blankets and so I immediately ran my hands around trying to find it until I grabbed it and sighed in relief.
"Sylvia I'm serious I wanna know what happened, I wanna be there for you, you're not alone and why would you unplug your IV if you were okay?" She looked at me, her eyes were tired and sad and she was totally wrong and I had to say something to make up her mind.
"Look, B it's not like that at all... I would never..."
"Sylvia" she cut me off. Shit. "You're grandma almost had a heart attack! I had to make them leave because you looked... dead! And you scared everyone"
"Was Sarah here?" The only thing I could worry about was Sarah's safety by that time and I knew that was unfair and I get I scared the hell out of them, but none of them knew.
"No, she hasn't come back since she rushed out like a fury this morning. I'm serious, and you're going to talk to me no matter what it takes, I'm willing to spend the night interrogating you if that's what you want" she said, hands on her hips.
"No this won't be necessary, really- Ah!" A sharp pain, like a knife penetrating my lower back cut me off but I ignored it the best I could and handed her my phone "press play and just listen" she took it and looked at it suspiciously but eventually she went on listening to it.
While she was busy listening I figured how to get my IV plugged back in so that I didn't have to feel that pain that was slowly killing me but then I looked up and it was empty so I came to the decision I would have just suffered in silence.
B's face was growing shocked and shocked as she went further listening and it would have been hilarious in another situation.
My heart and the blood in my temples started pounding faster and harder, I closed my eyes trying to take deep breaths but this didn't seem to help at all anyway, I started missing the daze the painkillers gave me, there was too much going on and I just wish I could not think so that my head would stop spinning and my heart would stop breaking.
"Oh my God" she said under her breath "it was always him? I mean it's really... unbelievable. And we didn't even notice..." she said trying to process everything.
"I'm scared for Sarah, I can't let anything bad happen to her. All this mess is my fault... If only we hadn't met" I sighed fighting back tears.
"Are you really saying it? I thought she was the best thing that happened to you. You're always so genuinely happy when she's around... I can't believe you really wish you two hadn't met" she was looking at me in shock and I was now crying but maybe more for the pain.
"She is everything for me, I don't love anyone as I love her, I'd do anything for her but if we hadn't met she wouldn't be suffering, she wouldn't be in danger and I wouldn't be dying" I cried "do you understand this is so wrong, it's just for her good that we shouldn't be together, I'm screwed anyway so there's no need to bother- Ooh!"
"Do you have trouble breathing?" She said trying to help me sit on the bed to visit me but every time she touched me intense twinges of pain radiated from my back.
"No, not at the moment but it hurts no matter what I do, even though I am still or moving, it always hurts, please make it stop... Make it stop, I just need a few hours without this pain" I cried grabbing her hand and squeezing it.
She took another IV from the cabinet and settled it.
Something like 30 minutes later I started feeling a little relief, it wasn't much but finally I could at least stop crying. B hadn't left my side yet, she hadn't even talked or tried to advice me, this situation was so insane none could know what was the best thing to do, but she was helping just by being there holding my hand and letting me squeeze it whenever the pain was too strong "I don't know how much I can go on with this... it tears me apart, dialysis is not helping anymore, painkillers do but they just let me sleep a little better because when I wake up it's back" I sighed and tried to hold back the tears "that's the highest level of pain I've ever felt and I can't take this anymore I'd rather die, really, don't take it like I'm being pessimistic or something, I'd rather die than live with this pain" I let it out and it was all the truth, I know they wanted me to hold on and I had tried to, but all of this was too much.
"I know..." she said caressing my hair gently "I've really seen you trying and I know how strong you have been... look I'm not supposed to tell you yet but there's a possibility you could get a transplant, Peter told me unofficially because it was training in that department but we were told not to tell a thing until Ali says it's okay to tell you, so please keep going, just a little more if you don't want to do it for yourself do it for all of us, we will protect you and I'm assuring you that HE coming here to scare you is never going to happen again. Do it for Sarah mostly because she needs you the most, she acts strong for you as you do for her but she's in pain just like you are, talk to her, don't try to push her away because you want to protect her from Michael, she'll be safer if she knows everything."
"You're only telling me this because you want me to push through but you don't understand I feel like I'm living my worst nightmare but it doesn't stop when I wake up" I cried in desperation because I understood her trying to give me hope but there was no way I could go on like that and also knowing what Michael had done to me had destroyed even the last bit of strength in me, I felt so lost.
"Yeah it can be selfish but I don't want you giving up, if telling you this was the only way to make you resist a little more then why not tell you. Promise me you won't do anything stupid and that you'll allow yourself to hope in that transplant because you need something to hold on to" she said wiping away my tears "and talk to Sarah, you guys love each other and there couldn't be anything more right than this... now I really need to go someone is surely looking for me by now, try to rest" she said kissing me on the forehead and walking out the door.
Hours had passed since I was there talking to B, I was still in shock and getting to know what had actually happened to me had got me so desperate and helpless I didn't even have a tear to shed anymore. I wondered if Sarah would have been home by that time, I wondered what she would have been doing, would she have eaten properly, taken care of herself. Part of me wanted to know if she was upset I couldn't be there with her, if she had cried over our discussion, if she had given up on us but this was just too selfish from me, I imposed to myself to let her be.
Two knocks on the door seemed to be the volume of distraction that could snap me out of my mind but I wouldn't expect to see her again that day. I remained silent as she walked in and closed the door, I wasn't ready to another fight or anything else. "I must say I'm sorry for how I acted today, it was a little bit too much... too dramatic, I guess... but I was really overwhelmed" she said.
"Sarah, we-"
"Just let me finish, I'm sorry if I was never able to make you understand how much I love you because it's clear you don't know if you still think you're a burden to me.." she put great effort on the last words as the lump in her throat wouldn't let her speak, she came forward and sat on the edge of my bed holding my hand as her eyes filled with tears "but for I love you I have decided to respect your will and let you be with your family. It's okay if you don't want to be with me anymore, I get it, I wish you all the best in the world because you deserve it and I beg you from the bottom of my heart to keep on fighting because this world needs more people like you" she said finally letting go of my hand she blinked faster to catch back tears the stood up from the bed "I hope our paths will cross again eventually" she said smiling sadly.
"I..." i was shocked but to say I didn't see it coming would have been a lie, I had prepared this "I think this is the right choice, I mean, you'll be good, I'm sure" I said and played my best acting skills in performing my best smile. It was easier like that, it was better for her.
"I hope you're right, I'll pray for you everyday... so as it is our last goodbye I was thinking..." she said getting back closer.
"Yes?" I said and looked at her, that face I didn't recognize it, I had never seen her so broken.
"If I could have a last kiss..." she didn't even let me process it that her lips were on mine and it never felt so right but the irony was that it would have been the last time. It was slow and faintly sweet but then again, last time.
"You should go" I said as I couldn't take anymore of anything, I just wanted it to end. She nodded and seemed a bit lost though.
"Yes sure..." she wiped away a tear then looked at me, performing her perfect smile and added "So... farewell Sylvia.." she said turning around not even waiting for me to reply.
"Farewell, Sarah... I love you and I always will" I said but she was already gone.
That night I cried myself to sleep again but this time she wasn't there to shelter me, she wasn't there watching over me, she wasn't there showing how much she loved me and that was all my fault, but I guessed there was no turning back at that point.

I am so sorry! I just disappeared, I know, but I've been studying a lot to get all my exams done and I really had no time to update... I hope you still want to read this story because I'm going to update a little more frequently now that I'm done with exams and I have a lot more free time. Thank you for being patient with me 🥺💓 I know this is a hard chapter you may be confused for something I obviously didn't explain well but you will find out more later on and also you can ask me anything and let me know if you liked it 😊