Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

Too little too late

I tried all I could to distract myself from thinking, and overthinking, about Sarah but nothing really seemed to help me get her out of my mind, not when she was everywhere on my social medias... fortunately there were no rumors or news about our breakup, at least they would have left her alone for a while before something came out because it surely would.
My mom was out to have something for lunch so I was all alone, I swung my eyes across the room trying to concentrate about something not called Sarah Paulson but my eyes got caught by the almost withered flowers in the trash can. The day after me and Sarah had broken up they had appeared beside my bed, I at first thought it was from my family or maybe B and Peter wanted to be cheesy so I was happy but then I took the note that leaned on them and as I read it the smile automatically disappeared from my face "for a wise wise woman like you who always does what she has to -M" well it was pretty clear, it didn't need many explanations, he knew, I had no idea how but he knew that me and Sarah had broken up. I took the note from the bedside table and played with the thick paper in my hands, the impulse was to rip it into pieces, so tiny it would've been impossible to put them back together, but I resisted... I was collecting evidences after all, this little piece of paper could've been priceless.
"Torturing yourself again?" B had appeared at the door but I hadn't noticed her so her question made me jump a little.
"B... I'm not torturing myself, he is torturing me, there's a huge difference" I said glaring at her.
"Uh we're nervous" she chuckled.
"I'm sorry..." I realized I had been a bit rude.
"It's okay... but you look better anyway, do you feel any better?" She asked and that question made me notice I was wide awake and still I felt no pain at all.
"Actually I do, no pain yet" I said.
"I was hoping so" she said entering the room and closing the door but still kept her arms behind her back.
"Uh uh... what you got there?" I looked at her suspiciously and she smiled innocently.
"Something for you" she said and showed me my guitar, the one Sarah had given me.
"Uhm... thank you, I guess" I had to admit I couldn't see the point yet.
"Yeah, you're welcome, but I was thinking... the guys of clown therapy can't make it today but it is really important for those children..." she said not really asking me anything.
"Oh they'll be sad the clowns aren't coming right?" I ironically asked.
"I was wondering if you would like to play a few songs to them..." she finally said clarifying my guitar being there and her sugary talks.
"You know I'm not a clown and I'm a patient too in case you didn't notice..." I said not really wanting to do that because I didn't know if they would enjoy that.
"Oh c'mon I know you wouldn't say no to those poor children" she said "do you think I forgot?" She glanced into my eyes.
I rolled my eyes as she would always use the fact I used to volunteer to get over me "Fine".
She handed me the guitar and clapped her hand like a child "great, come with me" she said.
"Wait what? right now?" I glared at her "you already knew I wouldn't have said no?"
"Let's say I'm persuasive" she said waiting for me at the door.
"You're the devil itself... what?! You want to look while I change?" I said showing her my pants.
"You little lesbian, not this time" she said exiting the door.
"Ugh" I grunted.
I tried to dress up as fast as I could move and left a message for my mother because I knew she would have panicked not seeing me there when she would have come back.
"Let's go Santana it's your first live show today" B joked while she came with me through the hallways.
"Ok stop it, you owe me a favor anyway" I said with a half smile.
"Fine, whatever you want, now make them happy please" she said placing the guitar in my hand and opening a door literally pushing me inside so I turned around and ten tiny humans came towards me and looked at me curiously because i was not what they were expecting.
"Hey guys! I'm Sylvia, we'll be spending a little time together today because the clown guys couldn't make it, I can play the songs you want and you can sing along if you like" I said and half smiled but then I scolded myself mentally for being intimidated by a bunch of kids.
In spite of everything they didn't seem too upset they were getting a jukebox instead of a clown for the day.  As a matter of fact as soon as I stopped talking their hands rushed up trying to be faster than the others to get their favorite song played first.
"Uh okok, we're doing like this... let me see" I looked at all of them to find someone a little more grown up to have a phone and when I found him I asked to put the chords for every song on his phone.
Requests started again so I played a song after another and they were all like "I want Bruno Mars" "I want Ed Sheeran" "Ariana Grande please!" And I think I literally played nonstop all the time while they were enthusiastically singing or shouting and I couldn't figure out how anyone hadn't already kicked me out of there for all that noise. At a certain point between song number 300 and 301 they got tired too and allowed me to have a break just so that I could breathe and have a glass of water.
"Are you a friend of the clown guys?" A cute little girl with a slight difficulty to pronounce her S asked me and it suddenly reminded me of Sarah so I just breathed heavily trying to get her out of my head again.
"No baby girl I'm not" I said "Did you like the clowns better?"
"No, they're scary, I'm happy you're not their friend because I like you" she said blushing a little. Is this God playing with me? Difficulty with the S, scared of clowns, is she Sarah?
"No you're safe with me I'm not their friends and for instance I like you too, little girl" I said laughing a little.
"But if you're not their friend who are you?" She asked, really good question though.
"I-I'm a doctor" I said with the biggest smile.
"I've never seen a doctor with this" she said pointing at the needle on the back of my hand that was fixed with bandages and I couldn't remove it.
"You're smart I like you even more now! I'm both actually, doctor and patient, I'm not exactly doing well at the moment" I said now being sincere because I had already played the dumbass part.
"I have one too" she said showing me the same thing on her hand all smiling.
"I see! So that makes us friends, I guess" I asked cautiously.
"Sure it does if you want to, it would be cool to have a friend that can do both the doctor and the patient" she said enthusiastically.
I chuckled and she laughed too "You're too much fun... are your parents here with you?" I asked her not really expecting anything other than yes as an answer.
"I haven't seen my parents in a long time but they said they'll come to get me when I'm doing better" she said going to sad to slightly hopeful like she forced herself to believe that was true.
"What is it you have, if you want to tell me?" I sit on the floor in front of her so that we were both on the same level and I could look at her in the eyes.
She nodded "leukemia" she stated, and left me perplexed because she had hair and it looked real.
"But you have... you know, you still have hair" I said and probably it was hilarious because she laughed.
"Uh I fooled another one, this is a wig" she said taking it off easily "my mom gave it to me before she went away"
"Oh I see, you're tough facing it all alone you know, I admire you" I said raising her chin up to look at me.
"What do you have?" She asked.
"Kidney failure" I said but she probably didn't even know the word so I explained it better "my kidneys don't work anymore so I need a transplant" I explained.
"Could you die?" She said like death was no big deal but I figured I was talking to a kid with leukemia, so I was the one who knew little about death.
"eventually I could die, yes" I sighed.
"Looks like we're pretty screwed, aren't we?" She said brutally honest, what everyone else couldn't say had just come out of her mouth so easily.
"I like to think we will be ok at the very end" I said, now it was me trying to fill her heart with hope "What's your name by the way i didn't even ask you"
"No problem, anyway it's Vanessa" she said but somewhere in the middle of our talks I had started feeling a constant pain in my back and as much as I enjoyed her I needed to get out of there.
"It was good to meet you Vanessa, but I have to go now" I said and she politely reached out for my hand, I was amazed but I just gave her a high five, she had grown up too fast and I felt sorry for her.
"It was good for me too, I like you, maybe you could come some other day now we're friends" she proposed and I instantly nodded as I saw she was embarrassed asking me.
"Sure, count on me" I said getting up and when I was out the room she waved at me from behind it and I saw it through the glass.
I was still amazed by that kid and I didn't see someone was there waiting for me when I bumped right into her.
"I-I'm sorry I wasn't looking where I was going... Amanda?" I said at first not realizing who I was talking to "What are you doing here?" I said turning more uncomfortable standing there in front of her as she looked as calm as someone who could've committed a murder without any second thought about it.
"What the fuck has happened Sylvia I need to know!" She said trying not to yell at me.
"What do you mean, with Sarah?" I said trying to gain time as I lead her to my room because I might have been paranoid but I didn't want anyone to see us talking.
"Of course! Who else!" She said "I know I'm not her mother, nor yours but I'm really worried about her, she doesn't seem to know what she's doing right now" she said and her face turned from a psychotic murderer to an exhausted friend.
"What do you mean 'she doesn't know what she's doing' ?" I asked starting to worry a little.
"She asked me to stay at her place for a while because she didn't want to be alone but it still feels like she is because she won't talk to me about anything, the only thing she talks about is work. She can't take care of herself... she forgets to eat, even to drink water, she just sits there on her sofa or on the bed with a script all day trying to memorize it, sometimes she looks at her phone and I swear I saw her crying on the photo of the two of you she has as her lockscreen. She avoids every question about you... or any other question actually and I don't know what to do because she was never like this with me.." she said now I could read how hurt she was in her eyes.
"We broke up and it wasn't nice, also I'm like... dying so I guess it is a little harder for her for this reason, but I really don't know how to help her as much as I wanted to, just give her a little time and eventually she will come to you to tell you what she feels like, I'm sure" I said and half smiled ignoring the constant pain in my back.
"Look I'm sorry but I told you this time is different, I know her deeply, maybe even too much and I know she has never been like that. I'm afraid she might do something stupid" she whispered fighting back tears.
"What? No, Amanda calm down, Sarah is a lot better than that, she won't try to end her life just because a dumbass like me dumped her" I said "she just needs time and her friends next to her to heal and then she will be the Sarah you've always known..." I caressed her arm to comfort her.
"I'm such a rude person... how are you? I wanted to ask you but I got too caught up in the situation, that woman is going to make me go crazy" she said regaining control of herself.
"I'm... well, do you have another question?" I chuckled.
"Oh, that's so bad?" She said.
"When I said I'm dying I meant it, Amanda" I said lowering my eyes just in time not to see the look in her eyes.
"Then I think I know why Sarah's like this.. I'm sorry I came here to talk to you about her while you..."
"No it's fine, I'll always love her and I ask myself every day what it would've felt like... a life with her, if only we were meant to be.. I'm really sorry for how things have gone and I never wanted to hurt her, believe me everything I've done was for her"
"It's your choice who you want with you in your journey and if you don't want her in this journey i understand that and I hope Sarah will too one day... now I gotta go back, take care of yourself Sylvia" she said caressing my cheek. I nodded and watched her walking down the corridor knowing that was probably the last time I would see her. The thing I did unconsciously was that I was slowly saying goodbye to all the people I wouldn't se again before... Then someone else got in my room and fortunately it wasn't one of them.
"Sylvia are you okay?" B asked looking at me concerned.
"No" I said crying on her shoulder when she came closer to hug me "when this whole thing turned into this mess? She's not eating B, she cries on our photos... I- Oh!- I never wanted her to cry over our photos, those were all of our good moments- Ah!- and this pain B... It doesn't even let me think straight." I said between sobs and pain twinges.
"Sylvia breathe and then tell me how you know this" she said rubbing circles on my back with her hand trying to calm me.
"Amanda came here, you know her best friend" I said stil sobbing sometimes.
"Oh... and what was that she wanted from you exactly?" She asked and her tone was slightly pissed.
"She wanted to know what had happened between us because apparently Sarah hadn't told her yet" i said as I left B's arms to lay my back on the bed again. Blood was pumping into my head, I could clearly feel the pulse.
"And you didn't tell her about the..." she left the sentence hanging and pointed at the flowers in the trash can.
"Of course not!" I almost yelled "do you think I'm stupid?" I asked lowering my voice suddenly.
"No I was just asking-" she was cut off abruptly by the ringtone of her pager that she quickly got to check who was calling "shit it's Ali I have to go, I'll be back as fast as I can" she said rushing out the door.
I threw my head back on the pillow I think I never really wanted to die as I wanted to die in that moment, everything I had had fallen apart, love, study, career, everything was gone forever then why was I still there, why did I have to suffer this way...my flow of thoughts got interrupted by a soft voice "Hi, it's Vanessa can I come in?" She whispered as the light in my room was off and I was just lying on my bed she might have thought I was asleep.
"Uhm, yeah" I said brushing the tears off from my cheeks "turn the light on if you want to"
"No it's okay, I'm scared of clowns not of the dark" she joked and she sat at the end of my bed.
"Uhm what a brave heart!" I mocked her.
"Yeah right? That's kinda brave considering I'm six" I didn't know what I was thinking about, obviously that's brave, she's a child! Why do I keep forgetting that?
"Yeah you're right, but you never talk like a six year old so I forget sometimes" I said.
"I grew up faster, I think" she said but her voice wasn't playful anymore "so you wanna talk about why you were crying?" She asked me.
"I wasn't..." I said trying to sound convincing.
"Not a great actor" she sighed "I think your career ends now"
"Okay I was but those aren't problems for a six year old" I said.
"Do you think I have common problems for a six year old?" She scoffed.
"No but talking about it... is not going to help" I said and couldn't keep my voice from breaking a little.
"Then what can I do?"
"We met a few hours ago and you already want to do something for me?"
"You said we were friends, we can stop being friends if you want.." she said but sounded so upset I immediately felt guilty
"I'm so sorry, I'm just a little bit stressed out... you know what friends do? They hug each other, is it too early to ask for a hug?" I asked trying to make her forgive me.
"No I guess it's not" she said chuckling so I opened my arms for her.
"Come here then, the tightest hug you can give ok?"
"Okay" she said and fastened her arms around my neck while I hugged her gently around her waist.
"You're strong uh?" Her hug wasn't that strong but I wanted to make her feel like she had really done something important because that's how it was, she had made me forget about all the mess in my life for a while and I was really grateful.
"No I'm not" she laughed.
"Yes definitely you are, that was the best hug someone has ever given me" I said cupping her cheeks with my hand.
"Sylvia?"
"Yes, Vanessa" I chuckled.
"Can I stay here for tonight? I don't want to be alone, I'm not afraid it's just-"
"Babygirl it's okay to be afraid, of course you can stay, this bed is wide enough for the both of us and I don't want to be alone either" I said  making room for her beside me.
"Thank you, I swear it's just for this time" she said sounding like she was afraid of bothering me, little did she know she was nearly the only one I liked to be with.
"You can sleep here whenever you want to" I said adjusting the blankets over her.
"Goodnight Sylvia" she said with the cutest sleepy voice.
"Goodnight Vanessa" I said caressing her cheek "Uhm... can I ask you one last thing?" "Sure what is it?" She said and I think I was the only thing keeping her from falling asleep so I hurried up.
"Why do you want to be friends with me?" She turned to face me and for the first time I saw all her fragility and how alone she must have been feeling.
"Because you seemed to me someone that I could trust and so far I think I was right" she said and smiled a little
"Oh okay thank you" I said and I was genuinely happy that I could make her feel less alone in this scary life she was living. A twinge of pain suddenly made me hold my breath and bite hard on my bottom lip "Are you in pain?" She said.
I forced a chuckle to make her relax a little "it's nothing, and thank you for your words by the way" I said and smiled at her and she smiled back and closed her eyes as she fell asleep and despite the pain I fell asleep shortly after.
[Sarah's POV]
The moment I sat on the sofa with my glass of wine I got the same feeling I had since I had broken up with Sylvia, I always expected her to come sit next to me with her glass asking me about my day, she always did that and it made me feel so loved even though it wasn't that much but despite how tired she was from studying and working day and night she always found the time to ask me about my day, but lately when I looked behind she was not there following me on the sofa and I didn't understand why my mind seemed to fail in processing this. I took a few sips of wine, that silence made me really uncomfortable though I didn't even bother turning on the TV because I knew I wouldn't have heard the voice I needed to hear. Everything was just like in black and white when she wasn't there or maybe things still had colors but not the colors she gave and I only wanted to see those.
My second glass of wine was coming to an end and I still couldn't get over her. I wanted to know how she was doing, I wanted to see her, hold her hand, even just watch her sleep as I used to do most of the times before we broke up. We... What am I talking about? I did it, I broke up with her. I had said I would never leave her but I let her words get in the way of my judgment and emotions and made me do something I didn't want to do, I was just overwhelmed and she didn't make it easier but how could she? She was scared and insecure and tired of everything that had been happening to her.
I only noticed I was crying when I tasted my own salty tears and my hand instinctively wiped the tears away from my cheeks. I knew I should've done something because I couldn't live like that anymore, it hurt too much and I knew it was hurting her just as much, I knew she couldn't be okay with this and I needed to get this right before I lost my mind but the only way I could do it was talking to her so I jumped up from the sofa, surely too fast because my head started spinning but I hadn't drunk so much so I tried to ignore it and grabbed my car keys. I had to make the first step because I had been the one to leave her and I shouldn't have done it so it was time for me to get my happiness back, we both deserved it.
I got out of my house and jumped right in my car even though I drove slower than usual because I had been drinking and I didn't want to do anything stupid once I had understood what I really had to do.
I arrived safely at the hospital and made my way as if my feet already knew it, they were guiding me through the corridors when a nurse stopped me asking who was I there for and told me it was late and I couldn't stay there. I shook my head and told her who I was there for and she seemed to recall it, she excused herself and I went on to the corridor where Sylvia's room was but something wasn't fine and I could tell that from the look on her mother's and Peter's face. I came forward to them "What's going on? Is everything okay?" I asked hoping for a yes but what I got was a sharp no from Peter. He hates me and that's great but I don't have time for this now.
"Sarah where have you been... all this time I've always asked Sylvia about you but she avoided every question" she said with her eyes watering "she started feeling a sharp pain at her back, she couldn't breathe properly nor move, her heart beat too fast and-" she was cut off by Sylvia's crying behind the door and in that moment I knew I was in shock because I couldn't move nor utter a single word. I just prayed in my head that I wasn't too late, I could have never ever forgiven myself for this.
I hoped I wasn't going to lose her that night.
I sat, or more likely let my body fall on the seat next to Peter. What I hadn't payed attention to was the little girl curled up on his lap and he was comfortingly hugging her.
"Who's this little girl?" I whispered thinking that she was asleep.
"She... Sylvia kind of made friends with her, she was sleeping here next to her when she started to feel bad and fortunately she was here, she was the one who called for help, since you haven't been there for Sylvia anymore." Peter said and his words cut deeper than a knife. I knew he was right but I just couldn't take it in that moment, I started feeling my cheeks hot and my eyes watering so I just turned to face the floor so he couldn't see me.
"Stop scolding her! Are you really going to do this here and now?" the little girl yelled at Peter "you should just focus on Sylvia if you're her friend" she added and Peter looked speechless by that reaction and he just nodded and whispered "I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry" he said hugging her again and she was now crying like I was. I didn't know who she was nor how they had met but I was so glad she was there at least Sylvia had someone when I couldn't be there for her.
I rested my elbows on my knees and started crying with my face buried in my hands, it wasn't loud but I was desperate and shaking. Trying to focus on Sylvia's crying was comforting because at least until she cried it meant she was alive and I wanted her to stay alive, I needed her to stay alive.
Once the little girl had calmed down Peter set her on his seat and took care of Sylvia's mother, he took her somewhere to take a cup of tea because he was probably worried that she wasn't even crying but stared blankly at the door.
"Can you at least keep an eye on her?" he said, his irritation was clear in his voice and the little girl glared at him.
"Sure" I said wiping the tears away from my eyes, he nodded and went away with Sylvia's mother.
"What are you doing?" she asked and looked at me curiously.
"I'm... I'm focusing on her voice, I pray it doesn't stop because you know if I can hear her voice it means she's alive" I explained.
"Yeah I'm doing this too..." she sighed "I just hope she won't die" her voice was breaking "I've just found her" she cried. My heart broke at that sight and I couldn't do anything but hug her, at first she was cold towards me because she didn't know me but then she melted and I just cuddled her and caressed her head. She was in a hospital and alone so I figured Sylvia was the only one that had showed her love and we both had that in common, we had experienced the love she could spread around and now we couldn't do without her, I had just figured it out when I noticed I couldn't hear Sylvia anymore, apparently the little girl had noticed it too because she raised her face to look up at me when the inside of the room had fell silent.
"Do you think she's okay now?" She asked me.
I didn't think so, that heavy silence didn't seem to me anything good but I knew as much as her. "I hope so" I said instinctively keeping her as near as I could.
I barely had the time to finish the sentence that the door swung open and hit the wall in a hard bang while Peter and Sylvia's mum had appeared just a second before from the bottom of the long hallway.
Blythe, Sylvia's best friend, got out of the room first, she had red eyes even though she tried to hide it as her gaze was stuck down on her feet, then 2 nurses followed,  Ali was there too, and Sylvia's doctor with her teacher Doctor Lowen got out the room carrying her on her bed but she was unconscious. All my senses froze at that sight, all I could feel was the warmth of a little hand holding mine and squeezing it. I only regained my consciousness  when Doctor Lowen started talking with us but apparently I had missed part of it.
"That happened all of a sudden how is this even possible?" Sylvia's mum asked.
"You're all well aware of her condition and you may know that if just one thing in us doesn't work this is going to affect all of the other districts sooner or later so it was just a matter of time we just hoped we would have found her a donor before this happened but unfortunately there wasn't anything else that we could do apart from inducing coma. What I want you to keep in mind is that we're still trying to save her life, this is just giving us more time to find the kidney she needs but we need more time." I knew the feeling she had for Sylvia and that she considered her as a daughter just as much as Sylvia saw her as a mother and I wondered how could she be so calm but I figured doctors had to be great actors too.
"How much time is this giving you?" I asked her, tears fell from my eyes. I was too late...
"We don't know exactly... but she was in too much distress, we might have lost her between tonight and tomorrow... we could be speaking of weeks at most but we're doing everything we can" she said comfortingly rubbed Sylvia's mum's arm.
Now almost everyone there was crying, I swear I saw doctor Lowen's eyes welling up with tears too but she left shortly after to go check on Sylvia and help the others.
The little girl's hand still held tight on mine but she wasn't crying and it looked odd given we were all in the same situation. "You okay baby?" I asked, I didn't want to call her pet names but it just left my mouth before I could think about it just because she looked like someone in shock.
She nodded and stood up. "You going somewhere?" Peter asked her still caressing Blythe's hair trying to make her stop sobbing "want me to come with you?" He then added in a sweeter way.
"No, can Sarah come?" She asked. Why me?
"Of course" I said and followed her down the hallway "where are we going?"
"We're going to find out where they've taken her"
"Oh" I said "Ok wait, listen to me, I know that you love her and you wanna be with her but I don't feel like you should see her like that..." she looked at me like I had said something completely odd "I mean she can't talk, nor smile nor do the things you probably used to do together-"
"What? No wait, we just met and I already care about her more than you do so maybe you're the one who shouldn't get to see her." She said trying to act as an adult but her emotions betrayed because she bursted into tears soon.
"Right... let's go then" I said even though it hurt that they all thought I had abandoned her just like that.
We were now in front of her new room but it was even worse than I thought, we couldn't sit beside her even to just hold her hand because the door was locked and the doctors explained she needed to be left completely alone because she needed to be calm and even listening to voices she would probably recognize could've stressed her.
When they left and locked the room I leaned my head against the big glass panel that separated me from her and took a deep breath, I didn't want to cry but the thought I had fucked things up so badly and didn't even get the chance to make up for that blowed my mind. I felt the little girl grab my hand calling for my attention "Sarah... uhm... can you..?" I realized the glass was too high for her and she couldn't see so I just nodded and lowered at her level to pick her up and she fastened her arms behind my neck.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you Sarah" she said.
"I deserved it, I don't even know your name I shouldn't tell you what to do, what is it your name by the way?" I asked because I had just realized I hadn't even asked her.
"Vanessa" she said, her eyes still pinned on Sylvia's body because the only sign she was still alive was the trace of her heartbeat on the screen.
"Nice to meet you Vanessa, thank you for keeping her company and not making her feel alone the time I wasn't there..." she slowly moved her eyes on me and nodded.
"Because you think you're going to stay?" Peter asked, I couldn't get why he was so mad at me, not even Sylvia's mum hated me as much as he did.
"Yes, of course I am."
"I don't think you should." Blythe stated appearing behind Peter.
"Why's that?"
"You two broke up, you don't belong here"
"I made a mistake, I'm human, but I love her"
"Bullshit" Peter aggressively said "you know what? Despite her actions she needed you and she wanted you here in fact she didn't break up with you, you did. You took the step and it means you might not admit it to us or to yourself but you wanted it, you were just waiting for a good excuse to dump her and you got it, so now... please leave" he said and even though he hadn't even took a step towards me I could feel in my bones how much he despised me.
Her family was there, her friends were there for her too, she didn't need me, just as Peter had said, at least she didn't need me now, I was too late for redemption so I put Vanessa down again even though she protested and didn't want me to leave I managed to calm her and left.
The following days I would have gone back to the hospital multiple times trying to find the moments when none was there watching over Sylvia so that I could at least look at her from behind the glass. I was so distracted from work, from my life... weeks passed and I had had a few occasion to flirt and maybe also date someone but it all felt so wrong, I knew it wasn't what I really wanted. Whenever I flirted with someone I always pictured Sylvia in my mind, like I was talking to her but none of them spoke like she did, none of them looked at me like she did, their eyes on me felt so heavy and curious while hers where just like hands softly caressing my skin making me shiver every time. I didn't want to move on... I wanted her, just her and I couldn't go on with my life if I knew there was still a chance that she could be okay and maybe we could be okay too. But one day I got to the hospital as I usually did, made sure none was there and went to Sylvia's room but she wasn't in there anymore and when I realized she wasn't in her room my heart started beating crazily fast that I had to lean against the wall to help me keep standing.
"Her kidneys collapsed... she won't probably come out of surgery alive" Blythe stated quickly staring at me "What are you doing here though? I thought we had already talked about it" she asked crossing her arms against her chest.
"I- I came here whenever I had a moment from work, all of my free time was spent here because I needed to see her, I needed to be with her" I said while tears streamed down my face.
"She's gone Sarah! She's not in there anymore! You might see her body, her face, but it's not her anymore! Face it and accept that you lost your chance just as we all did, just go home!" She yelled and let her back lean against the wall until she was sitting on the floor in front of me. I didn't care... I didn't care about anything I just made a few steps to sit beside her and hugged her. She cried harder on my sweater but I couldn't even hear her, I could just hold her and comfort her though I needed someone to comfort me too but turned out I was the grown up there, it was my turn to comfort and not be comforted.
"I know okay, I've been horrible and I didn't deserve her but I LOVE her more than anyone could ever know so just cry and and let me be here..."
Doctor Lowen, Sylvia's teacher came out way unexpected and we both jumped a little not expecting to see her "we're losing her, I want you to be prepared, to be strong-" her voice broke at that point "she wouldn't want to see any of us cry now... but Sarah I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave now" she said looking at me and her eyes clearly said she was sorry "I'm sorry but Sylvia asked me to do this in case you were here when she died, she didn't want you to go through all this and honestly I have to honor that promise I made her" she said showing me the door with her hand.
Everything was too much at that point, I couldn't take anymore, my heart was about to explode, it was so filled with love I couldn't fake it anymore, I only needed her but she was gone... so that was how it felt, to lose the love of your life... Once I got out the hospital I barely reached the corner of the street and i puked. I couldn't even believe to my own words.  You lost her. You lost her. You lost her. I repeatedly said to myself, there's nothing you can do, not now, or maybe there never was something I could do. I knew it was easier to think I couldn't do anything more for her but I was suffering so much I only indulged on this thought, I walked out the hospital repeating this in my mind a million times until I got home. But the only thing I could think about once I was in my bed was that I couldn't look into her eyes once more...

Hey Guys I'm so sorry it took me so long to update but I'm not really living my best moment so I needed a little more time to end it, read it and check everything. It's crazily sad and I'm sorry about it but I think it just reflects my mood. I'm really sorry, I hope you like it though, let me know! 💓 and thank you for your patience.