Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

Our daughter

"Okay baby we're here, don't worry we're not going to be gone long and I promise you will have the best time with Blythe and Peter" I said adjusting the mask on her face.
"Yes, I know, don't worry about me..." she said as she knew exactly I was nervous to leave her because we had yet never left her since she had come staying with me and Sarah.
"I know... you're right baby, I love you so much" I said hugging her and she hugged me back. "Oh and pay attention to the cat, he likes to play but never pull his tail or he will be pissed" I advised her.
"Yes... don't worry" she said again.
"I'm not, I know you'll be fine, now go, B is waiting for you" I said waving at her but she came forward.
"Hi Vanessa! Why don't you go inside, your favorite cartoon is about to begin you don't wanna be late" B said and Vanessa didn't make her repeat it twice, she ran inside.
"How are you holding up?" She asked looking at me more like she was trying to read my mind.
"I'm doing my best..."
"don't look at her like you're saying goodbye please, i know those eyes" she said.
"i'm not... okay, i am but i just don't want to lose her B"
"you won't and she'll be all yours after you sort this out, she'll be home with you tonight and any other night"
"thank you for watching her for us"
"of course, don't mention it"
"how is Sarah holding up?"
"she's... doing her best too... actually she's being really present and helpful"
"she looks like she's about to burst" she said looking at Sarah in the car.
"Well... as long as she doesn't we're good... I better go or we'll be late"
"thank you again, i'll give you a call when we can pick her up"
"sure" she said and hugged me goodbye.
I walked back to Sarah and got in the car.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"no..." i said honestly.
"yeah me neither, shall we go?"
"the sooner we get in there the sooner we get out"
"right" she said and started the car engine, she drove up to the social worker office but it was almost on the opposite side of the city so it was kind of a long drive with the morning traffic.
"what are you thinking about?" she asked anxiously, eyes still fixed on the road "please this silence is killing me, I feel like i don't know where you are"
"i was hum... I was thinking of the first time i met her... we had broken up... B wanted me to play a few songs on the guitar for the kids and during the break she came up to me, we talked, god she was so smart and sweet and somehow she was still hoping for her parents to come back to get her... later on she talked to me about it again and told me she knew they weren't coming back... She cried, a lot, but i stayed in bed with her the whole time and I swore i would've taken care of her... Not out of pity, but love... I love her so much, i love her and i don't think i love her any less than any biological child i could've had. She was there for me when none understood how much pain i felt and I-" I was interrupted by the unexpected contact of Sarah holding my hand on my thigh.
"I met her the night they put you in a coma... i was devastated, i thought i was too late, that you were going to die without knowing i loved you and i couldn't bear that... Everyone was angry at me, Peter, Blythe, even Doctor Lowen but she was the only one to tell them to stop scolding me, she saw right through me and she described how i was feeling right there and then and we had never even met before. Since they had taken you to another room and none would tell me where it was she took my hand and guided me through the hospital corridors to your room" she said "being able to look at you even only through the glass doors was probably the only reason i did not lose my mind... I spent hours there when i could've been home drinking, I drank a lot back then, she showed me
a way to be with you when the only thing i needed was in fact you."
"she's a special kid.." I said.
"she sure is but you can't act like we already lost her or we're probably going to" she said squeezing my hand.
"it's her mother... even if it is her choice in the end do you think she'd pick us over her mother?"
"i'm sorry she calls you and me mom too now..."
"yeah but i mean i don't know, for how much i love her i'd love if she'd pick us but i really am not sure..."
"you have no idea how much she loves and how much she misses you when you're not with us...
One time i was drying her hair after a shower and i saw her muttering something with her eyes closed, I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was praying for you to come back home from work just fine" she said and the fact i didn't know that story made me burst into tears. Sarah pulled over because we had probably arrived but before getting out of the car she hugged me tightly and kissed my temple.
"that was just to tell you we're not her moms any less than she is, actually maybe more because we could've cared less and just go on with our lives but we chose her, we chose to love her when her so called biological mother chose to leave and she may have the best excuse but we chose love and please remember that love always wins" she said holding my hand tighter. I wasn't able to say anything more so I just nodded.
"Let's go now i can't stay in here anymore" Sarah said and got out of the car. She looked at me, wiped a tear from my cheek and held my hand "we're doing this... together" I nodded immediately and she did too.
We both wore our masks and as soon as we walked in the girl at the reception got up and entered the first room which i recognized as our social worker's office. A few seconds after she appeared at the door "please come in, I was just waiting for you" she said with a big smile and I knew she was just trying to be nice and make us comfortable but my nervousness just urged me to punch anything that moved.
We walked in the office and the girl from the reception closed the door on her way out.
Those few seconds of silence as we sat down in front of her desk were probably the worst part of the day that far.
"I thought we would've had to wait" Sarah said to try to ease the tension.
"Oh, no... I probably shouldn't say this but Clarissa at the reception is a great fan of yours so I asked her to tell me as soon as you stepped foot in this office and she gladly did"
"Oh I see, I'll have to thank her on my way out then"
"So... let's go straight to the point, shall we?" she said dropping out of the useless pleasantries.
"yes..." Sarah agreed, exhaling sharply she looked for my hand and held it again.
"So the thing is... i'm going to be very straightforward so i can try and be as clear as possible. Vanessa's biological mother wants to meet with her... but legally since you've adopted her it is your decision whether she can or can't contact you" she said sending me into full panic because I wasn't expecting that yet.
"we haven't yet told her anything about you, she doesn't know anything but we can't keep her waiting too long because she might take legal action and we don't want that for Vanessa's own well-being"
"I mean this is a lot for us... do we have to decide now?" Sarah asked.
"i can buy you a day or so but i really can't do more, i'm sorry you have to find yourself in this situation because I know that you are absolutely incredible with Vanessa and she really loves you both a lot but i'm afraid there is nothing we can do" she said.
"what's the point here... what does she actually want?"
"i just said she wants to meet with her"
"yeah but why, she abandoned her in a hospital, i don't know why i just know she did it so... why now? to make sure she's okay? She is okay, you can tell her that yourself since you've seen her periodically and you also know how fragile she still is, she is an immunocompromised child who's just beaten leukemia in the middle of a pandemic of a virus she has the highest risk of dying of and you really wanna add more stress to that?"
"Are you talking as a mother or a doctor?"
I scoffed "do i even have to separate the two things? i am a mother and a doctor who's looking out for her daughter's health and well being."
"so the answer is no?"
"no... i am not alone in this decision, we need to talk about it, i just thought you could've been interested in giving her the bigger picture"
"i am not qualified to give medical advice"
"i am though"
"yes but you're also her mother... you're not impartial"
"i am not... oh my god please, ask any doctor, they'll confirm what i just said"
"we're not there yet, we're talking about one hour meeting with her in a neutral and highly controlled environment you just have to tell me yes or no, it is entirely your choice"
"we just have to tell you yes or no?"
"i didn't mean... i just meant to say you have to focus on whether you want them to meet or not?"
I was about to reply but Sarah's gentle touch on my
knee as a warning to stop made me close my mouth before i could say something i might've better avoided.
"Thank you for explaining the situation to us, we will discuss it and we will give you an answer by tomorrow, is that okay for you?" Sarah with a very relaxed face as if she hadn't even been in there too the whole time.
"Yes, it is okay, thank you for understanding"
"of course, now we should go pick Vanessa up" Sarah said walking out the office and I followed her.
She stopped at the reception to thank that Clarissa girl because she couldn't help but being a wonderful human being no matter what the situation was so i had to endure a few more minutes in there while i just wanted to escape, that was why my eyes were glued to the exit door.
"Babe are you okay?" she asked as we walked to the car. She was worrying because i wasn't talking but i was just too busy breathing and trying so hard to calm down and not snap at anyone else.
"I'm sorry, I know i went too far... but they are not  considering her well being at all and it is my-" I was silenced by her hand on my lips.
"I know what you were doing, I am not mad or anything. I absolutely understand what you were saying and if you're asking me..." she chuckled because she knew i couldn't ask anything with her hand on my mouth "I found that very hot" she said leaving me speechless because that was the last thing i could've been expecting.
"you what?" i asked as she removed her hand.
"i agree, i understand why you said what you said and i support that" she said but that was not what i was on.
"no, as stupid as it might seem right now, i meant the other thing" I said.
"that... i thought what you did was hot?" she asked innocently.
"oh you really said that, i thought i had imagined it"
"no you definitely didn't because it was... just very hot" she chuckled.
"Well... i'm very glad about that babe but we really need to figure out what to do and i don't know what we should do" i said.
"it looked like you knew what you wanted to do..." she said implying that i was lying either to her or to the both of us.
"I don't know"
"If you want to say no i'll support that" she said "okay i don't know what will come next or if she will try something else but i feel like we can do that."
"What do you mean we can do that?"
"I mean we've been through so much that we for once could be selfish and do what is best for us and our family" she said looking at me in the eyes.
"is it though? the best thing?"
"isn't it? that's our best option, if we say no and she gives up than it's our gain, if we say no and she tries something else we'll cross that bridge when we come to it"
"i don't know Sarah... If it is the best thing for our family why do i feel like i'm being selfish?"
"because you always do things for others, you always put yourself second to anyone else so when your instinct actually wants you to do something for yourself you feel like you're being selfish because you're not used to it" she said in a bitter sweet tone.
"do i really do that? i don't realize it, Sarah... I just try to do what i think is right... and this doesn't feel right" i said "what do you think we should do?" i asked as we walked on the sidewalk. She stayed silent for a while as she thought about what she was going to answer until she said "i think we should say no".
"why..."
"because of everything you said, she had a choice and she chose to run, now the ship has sailed and she lost it"
"don't you feel like you're making a choice that is not really yours to make?"
"if it's not ours... then who do you think should make this choice"
"i'm afraid that if we say no and she gives up for now and then she will try to contact her after she's eighteen and at that point it's not our choice anymore and i'm afraid that if she finds out that she had tried to come back and we said no she could resent us..."
"i think you're going way too far with this, we can't know that... We think she doesn't mean well and she might want something if she chose to come back and if we say no and she does nothing else we were right... even if she does look for her after she turns eighteen it still wouldn't mean she's a good person that hasn't stopped looking for her because she loves her."
"God i've never been so confused..."
"come with me..." she said and took my hand to guide me.
We passed through an opened iron gate and as we walked in the park a little further away from the streets the noise became more distant and somehow it was easier to hear my own thoughts.
"better?"
"yeah... i think so" i said "i still don't know what we're supposed to do though"
"stop obsessing over it for a while... that's what we're going to do" she said determined to find a solution to the situation.
"Blythe said she was free all day so she could watch Vanessa for however long we needed her to and we have one day, to sort this out and hopefully make the best choice for everyone" she looked at me to see if i was listening to her.
"yes..." i said before pushing my sunglasses up on my nose bridge again.
"so we are going to take the day, no pressure, we'll sit and talk it through, even if we reach an agreement before our time expires we're just going to take all the time" she said "how's it sound?"
"well... i'm in... it is still a whole day with you even though..." she smiled lightly at the remark that no matter all the downsides, being together was still the upside.
She put her arm around my waist and i put mine around her shoulders, we walked like that quietly for a while until we came across a bench that was quite warmed by the sunlight and had a cute view of the park. We didn't even need to ask each other stuff anymore because we both directed our steps towards the bench and sat down. She never left my hand and i didn't either.
"You know i think we both already know what we want to do"
"oh I know what I want... I wanna pack three bags and disappear" I said "but I can't do that so what i want doesn't really matter"
"we're not going to run from this but what we want does matter babe..." she said looking at me "we rarely have had a choice with all that's happened to us and that has made us so unhappy... but when we did get to chose... when we chose to try again, when we chose Vanessa... it has made us so much happier than all the sad moments had made us sad"
"I know what you're saying but is what we want also what is best for her? That's all i'm asking to myself and i can't find the answer because i am so biased by my own needs"
"i think it is... you seemed to think so too before what has changed now?"
"i still think it would be a huge stress for her and i think it's risky but at the same time i remember her crying because she thought her parents would never come back for her so now... it feels selfish to not give her a chance"
"do you think this is still what she wants though? I mean I get that she loved them and was in the hospital alone so she was scared of the fact they weren't coming back because she basically didn't have anyone but since she got us... do you still think she'd go back to them so easily?"
"don't you? they're her parents... or at least her mother, only god knows what happened to her father"
"i don't know... I can't know for sure but I know how it feels when you think your parents don't love you or you don't understand why they do certain things... you come to terms with that once you grow up, maybe you could even forgive them but i don't think she'd go back to her biological mother without looking back right now"
"if you don't think she'd want to go back to her why don't you want them to meet? i mean what could happen that could possibly be worse?"
"Mind you i am not sure... I'm afraid she might want to leave us and go back with her... It scares me as much as it scares you because it could happen but i also think the other way around could happen and that she might want to stay with us... I just don't think we'd lose her the moment we tell her her biological mother is back in town" she said implying that was what i thought. I thought of denying but I didn't, it was true, that was my thought and it scared me to the bone because even if it made her happier it would've probably been very hard for me.
"We did something with her... babe... I know we did... We showed her family can be whoever you chose as long as you chose each other every day. Even when she thought she had nobody in the world that could love her because her own parents had left her you came around and you loved her never asking for anything in return and believe me she's a kid but she knows that, she's grateful for you as much as you are for her"
"she's grateful for you too... you know that right? she loves you too"
"I know babe and I love her too and i am immensely grateful for you both. Before you the only thing to give me joy and make me happy was my job... I have friends and i love them and i know they love me, i thought that was enough for me until it wasn't anymore because you wanted more... and i'd do everything all over again, it could've been easier? yes... harder? also yes but the only thing i know for sure is that it is all worth it because i love how my life is now, pandemic excluded of course" we both laughed because the whole world was a mess and we were just sat there telling each other how much we loved our family.
"anyway... what i meant to say is that i don't think what we want is not what is also best for her"
"i can't wrap my head around this... i feel like we'd be hiding something from her for the rest of our lives... I don't want her to find out one day and lose faith in us... It'd be too painful to let her down like this, she deserves better than that"
"fine... let's walk and talk about something else for a while maybe it helps" she said getting up from the bench and waiting for me. I did the same since i didn't have any better idea.
We walked on the trail we had chosen until we came out from the shadow that the trees casted on the road and I noticed we were actually crossing a bridge because i could hear the water flow below our feet. at the sides of the little river were some people with picnic bags, children playing, it didn't even look like something like a pandemic was going on except that they were all wearing masks and all the small groups were distanced from each other.
We had just made it to the other side of the bridge when she stopped in the middle of the path we had taken and caught me by surprise bringing me back to reality from my wandering. "What's wrong?"
"I have an idea..." she said.
"well, don't be shy, share"
"We go get Vanessa and spend the rest of the day with her... We're focusing on the wrong things, our fears and needs, this is not what we need to do... I think spending time together as a family will tell us more than we've been saying since we've been out of that office" she said and I didn't entirely think it was a bad idea "we'd also be making up for that walk we promised but never gave her"
"it's a great idea... really" I said and she smiled, I cupped her face with my hands, "I love you" I told her.
"I love you too" she said leaning in to kiss me and I gladly met her with my lips. It was very sweet, warming and comforting to know that she was there with me and for me all along.
"Thank you for how you're handling this while i can't act as an adult..." I said "I'm going to fix myself though... somehow"
"hey... you've supported me way more than i did, it's time i do the same..." she said.
"i don't mind who supports the other more, the only thing i care about is supporting you whenever you need it" i said to make it clear that i didn't care and i didn't even know if that was true, that i supported her more than she did with me.
"me too, so let me support you... i'm going to be your safe harbor"
"you already are, Sarah... in some way you always have been" I said and she did look at me like she didn't understand and I sure wasn't going go more in depth in that moment.
"let's go pick her up..." i said before i hearing my phone ring. I took from the back pocket of my jeans and saw the name on the screen. My heart had really picked up speed in the few seconds that took me to answer the call.
"B? please tell me nothing is wrong"
"huh, has it become a habit of you to answer like this whenever i call you? No! nothing is wrong, at least not for you, i'm going to the hospital i got a call so i need to drop vanessa off at your place, are you home?"
"no huh... i'm... well, wait i'll send you my location so you can follow that"
"okay" she said and hung up as quickly as someone who doesn't wanna be seen on the phone while driving.
"What's wrong?" Sarah asked assuming something was wrong just like i had done seconds before.
"no nothing's wrong, just B is going to the hospital so she's going to be Vanessa's ride here, we don't even have to pick her up, just wait for her at the entrance." i said.
"I love how lucky we are with the small things, it gives me hope" she said.
Thinking about it it had be a lucky coincidence but the fact that she said that probably gave me a little bit more hope as well because i suddenly felt a little better.
We walked back towards the entrance and I noticed the same group of elderly people sat the same table playing chess under the trees. It was curious, I wondered why they stayed so much outside playing chess during a freaking pandemic when half the world was staying home but I just imposed to myself not to get mad about it, I had more important things to think about.
"Hiii mommies!" Vanessa said getting out of the car from the back door.
"Hi baby" i said to Vanessa as she walked towards us. "thank you B, please be careful at the hospital!" i said.
"they can't kill me off, I had it! Bye" she said and I hated when she did because nothing was certain about this virus, not even that the immune system could actually keep track of it's passage through us. But i knew she was just joking because she was one of the most mindful and observant people I knew.
"bye..." i said scrolling my shoulders.
"So...!" I saw B's car becoming smaller and smaller as she drove away "what about we have that walk we had promised you?" I asked.
"can i play...?" she asked but her face told me she was just holding herself back from exulting.
"i think i saw some swings and things like that somewhere" I said and she then hugged me and and happily said "yes then"
"good, but be a good girl and put that mask over your nose" i said doing the same with mine "that's good, make sure it is shaped to fit your nose at the top... good girl" i said as she followed my instructions.
"let's walk" i said as I looked at Sarah to ask for confirmation that she was ready to go too.
"of course" she said walking on the other side of Vanessa so that she was in the middle between the both of us.
"wanna give us a hand?" Sarah asked and Vanessa soon rose her arm a little to hold her hand and did the same with me soon after.
"ohh i have an idea, do you trust me?" i asked and Vanessa nodded as yes immediately, she was clearly excited of being outside.
"my parents always did this with me... so you're going to walk and on my count you'll start running and we'll lift you up from your arms okay?" I asked and looked at Sarah.
"okay ready?"
"yes"
"okay walk normally"
"when i say zero you run" i reminded "3...2..." she looked far more excited to than i would've expected "...1...0!" she said and ran and me and Sarah lifted her up by her arms.
She laughed a lot "it's like flying! again please" she said as her feet touch the ground again.
"fine... once again" I chuckled.
We actually did it two or three times more before Sarah had to call a time out because she was getting tired.
"wow you are really growing up baby girl" she said taking deep breaths as we walked.
"do you need to stop babe? i get you're getting older-"
"shut up" she said giving me a middle finger.
"why are you doing that?"
"she's doing that because she is very unmannered and can't accept she's getting older" she gave me a deathly glare for daring to say that again.
"anyway you are not allowed to do what i just did, when you grow up we'll talk about it" Sarah said to Vanessa making clear she wasn't allowed to copy what she had just seen, Vanessa sighed but didn't protest.
We continued walking hand in hand the three of us and I thought that was just one of the best moments since we had adopted Vanessa. I was just enjoying the view when Vanessa seemed to be presented with something shocking and pulled down on my hand for my attention.
"What? What is it?"
"look... how can he do that? Why aren't they flying away?" she asked and none of that made sense to me until i saw what she was pointing at. A man from one of the food trails in the park was feeding some birds and they were eating the seeds right from his hands.
"because he's staying still so they don't get scared and fly away"
"oh i wish i could do that too... they always flew away with me" she said.
"oh maybe we can ask him if he can teach us" Sarah said "what do you say, shall we ask?"
Vanessa nodded shyly "can you ask him?"
"Of course, let's go" Sarah said "Babe you can wait for us here if you want" she then said to me.
"Okay, we don't want to scare the birds if we're too many" I said and i looked at them slowly walking closer to the man trying not to scare the birds away. I snapped some pictures of them holding hands because I just thought it was cute and I realized we didn't even have that many pictures together as a family because we never got the chance to take any.
As soon as the man acknowledged their presence he smiled and put on his mask, I mentally thanked him for that, and just proceeded to offer the bag with the seeds to Vanessa, she carefully took a handful and as soon as she took it out from the bag a few of the birds that were all eating from the man's hands got closer to her. She slowly opened her hands and stayed still for a while until finally the birds went to eat from her hand too. I heard her laughing from where i was sitting on the bench on the other side of the road. Once all the birds had come to eat something from her hands they thanked the man and came back to me.
"Was it good?" I asked getting the hand sanitizer out of the pocket of my coat.
"Yes... but their beaks tickled my hands" she chuckled.
"Oh, speaking of your hands... you both hands out, sanitizing moment" I said and they both out they're hands out for me to put a few drops of sanitizer.
"Good girls" i said and proceed to sanitize my own hands.
"Ugh I hate this, it smells like the hospital" Vanessa said making me laugh because that was exactly where it came from and was actually the most recognizable smell of the hospital.
"Because that's exactly where it comes from baby, don't worry the smell won't last long" I said.
We started walking again and just took it easy enjoying the view, when Vanessa got hungry we stopped to eat at a little place that made burger and fries and was diffusing the smell for miles all around it. We sat outside and once the burgers arrived we noticed they were huge and with an insane amount of chips with each.
"Oh wow this is going to be hard to eat the whole thing"
"Do your best, you got this" the waiter replied encouragingly to my comment.
"Oh... thanks!" I said a little embarrassed.
"Look mommy has an admirer" Sarah said to Vanessa and they both looked at me.
"He was just being polite, it's his job" I said "now eat" I tried to dismiss any other comment on that.
We started eating and I noticed none was talking because they were both focused on eating without getting sauce all over themselves. Sarah was having a pretty hard time keeping the burger between the two pieces of bread because it kept sliding from side to side and it almost slipped out a few times, Vanessa had started with the easiest thing so she was eating all the fries first but she had managed to put mayonnaise all over her face anyway.
I wasn't having too many problems eating because i had found the right way to hold the burger firmly so it wouldn't move like Sarah's did and I finished it way faster.
"How in the world could you eat that so fast?" She asked covering her mouth with her spare hand.
"What? I was hungry too, we've been walking a lot! And honestly i don't understand what you're doing there."
"I don't know this is just so difficult, i'm just trying to eat but every time i bite all the sauce starts dripping on my fingers-" she stopped as soon as she saw what i was doing "put that phone away right now" she said like an order.
"I can't... Sarah you don't understand how funny you look in this pictures" I said laughing.
"Don't you dare film me..."
"I actually am already... i'm snapping pictures while recording the video, you know phones can do that too now"
"Now i know for sure.." she said putting the rest of the burger down.
"No! Please don't stop it was so funny."
"No... unless you promise me you won't put that on the internet because you know memes of this moment are going to haunt me for weeks"
"Okay I promise now please..." I said signaling i hadn't stopped recording.
"I need an action now-"
"I'll do it i'll do it" Vanessa said, half a fry still in her hand so i directed the camera on her and said "Sarah Paulson eating a burger, chaotically. Take one"
"Action!" Vanessa said and the fact she already knew exactly when to say it was so funny to me.
As Sarah managed to finish eating her burger, chaotically, she then made a little victory dance on her seat which looked very cute.
"Show me your hands babe" i said and she did so showing her hands dripping in barbecue sauce "they really went overboard with the sauce"
"Yes and i loved every second of it" she said.
"Vegetarian burger with barbecue sauce then?"
"More like barbecue sauce with vegetarian burger, hun"
"Right, say bye to the internet" I said jokingly and turning the video off.
"Don't you dare... I swear if i see that video anywhere.." she said threateningly.
"I was joking I didn't post it, it is safe in my camera i will treasure it for ever"
"Oh my god i need to wash my hands, they're nasty..." She said finally realizing how much of a mess she had made and she got up to go to the toilet.
I helped Vanessa finishing up her plate and removing all the mayonnaise from her face.
"I feel so full like i could explode" she said and made me laugh, I was surprised too that she had managed to eat the whole thing but nevertheless her having an appetite surely was a good thing so I could be happy about that at least.
I noticed I hadn't been thinking about anything since Vanessa had joined us, she had gotten my full attention and I was so at peace just looking at her play and feed the birds and that made me realize Sarah was right, we were focusing on the wrong things, the only thing that mattered was her and her happiness and she did look happy to me as i looked at her.
"Are you having fun?"
"yes... this is the best day so far since i left the hospital" she said enthusiastically.
"I'm glad about that but there will be even better days"
"right, as the one you'll teach me how to swim" she smiled.
"yeah... that one too..." i said trying to push back the thought we might never see that day.
"you look like something is bothering you" she said looking at me.
"yeah... what is bothering me is how much time does it take to wash your hands?" i said noticing how much time Sarah had been gone. "let's go look for her, come" i said.
"I need to go to the toilet too" Vanessa said.
"alright, so you can go too"
I stopped to pay the bill and then we went to the toilets too look for Sarah.
"Sarah, babe, are you in here?" I asked waiting for an answer.
I heard someone rummaging in one of the toilet and since there seemed to be none else in there i supposed it was her.
"Yes..." she said and opened the door to get out "i'm done, sorry for the wait"
"Vanessa, why don't you go to the toilet, we'll wait for you right outside the door" I said as I clearly read on her face she had been crying.
Vanessa entered the same toilet Sarah was in and I took her out of there to get a little air outside.
"Are you okay? What happened?" I asked.
"I'm sorry I've been trying so hard to be strong for you but then it just hit me the second i was alone... I don't want to lose all of this, after she came here she's turned a shitty day into the best
day we've had so far as a family..."
I smiled even though i too felt tears in my eyes "come here..." I hugged her tightly and she just couldn't stop apologizing "stop... stop apologizing....  she said the exact same thing to me before 'this is the best we've had so far' and i told her that there will be even better days and she said 'as the one you're going to teach me how to swim' see? She knows... We are all exactly on the same page Sarah"
"yeah but what does it solve?" she sniffled.
"you were right... she's not going to turn her back on us so lightheartedly, she loves us, not that we needed this to know... but she confirmed it once more... We have nothing to worry about"
"I'm worried now that i've had a taste of what i could but i might never have" she sniffled.
"no... look at me. The only way we could lose her was if we betrayed her trust and we're not going to do that, we're telling her all that's happening, letting her choose if she wants to meet with her biological mother" I said.
"you think she will say something other than yes?"
"no, see... that's what we're not going to do... we can't hope she says no, we will just accept whatever she wants and we'll be there for her if she wants us"
I said.
"okay... but how do we tell her?"
"we... we will think about that later, now let's dry these tears..." i said wiping a few tears from under her eyes with the cuff of my shirt "ah yes, gorgeous as always" I said and left a light kiss on her forehead and she smiled back at me.
I looked over at the toilet door to see if Vanessa was done and she just came out looking a little lost, I waver my hand to catch her attention. She smiled as she saw us and walked over to us.
"did you wash your hands?" I asked and she nodded "yes ma'am".
"alright, good girl, let's go... what do you want to do now?"
"can we go where the swings are?"
"of course we can do everything today, no limits" I said taking her hand and putting my other arm around sarah's shoulders.
"ugh my best girls... I love you both so much you can't imagine"
"we love you too, mommy" Vanessa said knowing she spoke for Sarah too but still the thing that stroke me every time was that little final word.
"alright... let's go to the swings now, hopefully we won't find too much of a crowd"
"i'll keep my mask on if it's too crowded" she said.
"did I already say i love you? because i love you even more when you're so responsible... like what is this, my daughter is a genius" i said.
Sarah giggled "excuse me? our daughter" she pointed out.
"of course, of course, but she takes that from me" I said and she tickled my waist where she knew i couldn't resist it.
"what are you saying miss mom of the year?"
"ok stop, stop" i said as i tried to escape her grip on my arm but that was harder while I couldn't stop laughing "stop, I was joking, our daughter, our daughter..."
"oh shit... what, you wanna kill me?" I said as she stopped but i was still trying to catch my breath.
"ohh were is your Oscar? so good at pretending you even felt anything under that thick coat" she said dramatically.
"I did, honey you're talented, I couldn't stop laughing" I said.
"yeah of course, keep making fun of me" she played the offended part and walked with her arms crossed on her chest but i knew she was joking even though Vanessa didn't because she left my hand to go closer to Sarah "are you actually angry?" she asked her "oh for God's sakes no! We were just playing baby, none of that is serious." Sarah said not being able to hold the fake grudge against her for too long.
"are you sure?" she said, her eyes shifting from her to me.
"of course, look" Sarah said as she pulled down both our masks to give me a kiss on the lips "see? we're not angry..."
"no, yeah we're not baby... let me just check a little better..." I turned her face towards me and kissed her again, a little harder than she had before but briefly "yep, everything is fine" I smiled and she giggled.
"okay..." she said as she had learned we kissed very often unless there was something going on so when she saw us kiss normally she had proof it was just a joke.
"oh look, it seems we're here, slides, swings, weird climbing things" i said noticing there was just another kid with his dad.
Sarah's phone started ringing a few steps away so she just told us to go as she answered the call.
"they're on the slides so how about we take the swings"
"yes, they were my favorites anyway"
"great, hop on and i'll push you" i said and waited for her to settle down on the swing, "hold on tight alright?" i asked before starting to actually push her.
"yes"
"great, we're going..." I said pulling her back and then letting her go, every time the swing came back i gave her a light push to keep her going because she was already doing most of the job with her legs even though her feet didn't really touch the ground too well.
She was having so much fun it seemed unreal, I stopped pushing her as she told she wanted to do it on her own.
"Hello" I heard someone say behind me and I turned around to see who it was and I saw that kid that was there before we arrived.
"Hi!" i said and he walked past me to take the other  swing.
"Hello" the one i assumed to be his dad said, and i greeted him back "James don't take your mask off please, we're not alone anymore" he said to the kid and he turned around to let him know she still had it on.
"thank you, it's fine, it's clear he hates it but he's doing his best" I said.
"you're telling me, i hate it too, but the times are tough and I want to protect him" he said as he started pushing him on the swing. A few light push just to start and he was already going by himself.
"of course, you're totally right" i said.
"i'm Joe by the way"
"I'm Sylvia" I said nodding awkwardly.
"who's she your sister?"
"sister..." i chuckled "no, she's... my daughter"
"oh wow you look so young!"
I just nodded not really willing to give him any other detail.
"don't get me wrong that's great, you're quite a surprise, I must say" he said look at me, i smiled politely under my mask but it was going somewhere weird "thank you? i guess"
"he's my nephew,  James" he said even though i hadn't asked but maybe he just wanted to be polite and i needed to stop being so wary with new people.
"i guess you're the favorite uncle" I said and he chuckled.
"i don't know if i'm the best but i'm certainly the only one so, he'll have to settle for me" he said and that made me laugh a little too.
"left a free afternoon to the parents?"
"oh no, he's staying with me because my brother and sister-in-law both caught the virus, they're home at the moment but you know they couldn't look after each other and him at the same time so since he's tested negative he's staying with me"
"oh i'm sorry, I hope they're both going to be fine"
"i hope so too..." he sighed "so this might seem bold considering the times and all but would you like to get a coffee or something after we're done here?" he said and I totally was not expecting that and he caught me so off guard i just started stumbling on my words unable to give a proper answer "I... I'm sorry if I gave you the impression I was interested but i'm really not, you see i'm here with my girlfriend, she the one over there on the phone... so, sorry" I said.
"that is your girlfriend?" he asked incredulously.
"yeah... she is, once she gets off that damn phone i'll introduce you"
"oh come on you could've just said no... it's not necessary to say you're gay"
"i'm... it's not a lie" I said not really believing to what i had just heard and scolding myself for thinking he was just being nice.
"okay... okay..." he said skeptically with a smug smile. I considered ignoring that but then i thought i didn't have to.
"I thought being rejected by gay people hurt your fragile male ego less" i said.
"i bet you are only gay because you haven't been with me" he said.
I scoffed "so you actually believe i'm gay now" i said ignoring the homophobic comment.
"nah, you don't look gay... and i don't think they would let you adopt her"
"excuse me what?" I said "i don't "look gay"? they "wouldn't let me adopt her"? oh my god how many more medieval stereotypes are you planning to throw at me? Get a computer and educate yourself, jesus, society has progressed since 1200. God forbid your nephew is gay he's going to have a hard time surviving all this" I said glaring at him.
"babe is everything okay?" i heard Sarah say as she probably had finished her call but i didn't even notice because i was busy dealing with him.
"Hi honey, everything is fine I was just telling about you to my new friend here" I said looking at him.
His face in learning that i was telling the truth eventually was absolutely priceless and I was kinda sorry for Sarah because she couldn't enjoy it as much as I was.
"yeah, you make a great couple, i'd love to chat but now we have to go home" he said "James let's go" he shouted and the little boy hopped off the swing, waved at Vanessa and followed his uncle.
"bye Joe" I said looking at them until they were out the gates.
"huh what did he do to you? you look like you're planning to murder him"
"oh he got dangerously close" i said.
"okay calm down, what happened"
"it's not important" I said shaking my head lightly "it's not worth spoiling the moment, we are so happy... look at her, have you ever seen her so happy?" i said directing sarah's sight at Vanessa.
"you're right, she looks delighted" she said "ugh i hope we could not tell her anything... do you have any idea how tired will she be tonight? I just hope she could've a careless good night of sleep"
"Sarah we have until tonight to decide... we can't do that" i said.
"I know, I know... I just hate nothing ever goes as we want to" she said.
"don't tell me" i sighed.
"she's off and she looks like it's time to go home" Sarah said.
"baby!! did you have fun?" i asked and she nodded.
"are you tired?" i asked and she nodded again.
"shall we go home?" Sarah asked, she nodded for the third time before jumping on my lap and getting herself comfortable on my chest almost all under my coat.
"tired?" Sarah asked looking for her under my coat.
"yes" she said.
"alright" i said "i'll carry you, let's go" i said and she put her arms around my neck and clutches her legs around my waist.
"oh god... i will not be able to do this for much longer" I said.
"i can take her when you're tired" Sarah offered but i knew it was better me than her.
"okay, as for now, just direct me because i don't see shit i have hair on my face" we laughed.
The journey to the car seemed to be far longer than when we had done it before of course because i had the weight of another human being to carry.
"babe she fell asleep"
"did she? oh god... well... we still have a few blocks to walk, we'll let her sleep in the car and then we'll wake her up when we get home" i said.
When we finally arrived to the car and i was able to put her down on the back seat my back was surely relieved. I put her seat belt on and got in the car myself waiting for Sarah to drive.
The journey was pretty quiet and tensed because we both know what we had to do but neither of us wanted to do it.
"We're home..." Sarah said to me as she pulled over in the parking lot. The car's noise had almost lulled me to sleep as well.
"great, let's do this" I said rubbing my eyes a couple times and getting out of the car. We had to wake Vanessa up and she sure didn't like it but she had to wake up.
As soon as we got in she sighed in relief "i'm so tired"
"we know baby but we still have to have dinner... you know what, take a shower, it will wake you up" i suggested and she seemed to have thought it was a good idea.
We went to check on her every once in a while but most of the time we were in the kitchen whispering about how we would've told her while i was nervously and quite distractedly cooking dinner.
"We just need to deliver the facts, we can't influence her decision. We tell her, straight to the point and she decides" i said as i felt cold water soothing the skin on my finger that had come into close contact with the boiling pot.
"can someone dry my hair because i'm really too tired to hold this" Vanessa said walking in her bathrobe carrying the blow dryer.
I looked at Sarah since i was cooking so she went to blow dry her hair. It was still short so as i had imagined it didn't take long but i still managed to meet her with a freshly cooked light dinner since we all still remembered the burger from lunch.
Once we were all about over with our dinner I made eye contact with Sarah and she nodded to tell me she as well thought it was the right time.
"Baby... hum... We wanted to talk to about something." I said.
"did i do something wrong?" she said barely raising her eyes from her plate.
"no no absolutely not, you're fantastic, it's not about that..." I almost choked on water because i didn't want her to think we were angry at her. I drummed my fingers on the table and suddenly noticed i was actually lacking the courage to deliver it to her.
I was used to this, I talked with a lot of families every day and not always i was able to deliver good news, sometimes it was bad but i always did it. I guessed it was different when the family was mine.
"We need to tell you that... We talked to the social worker... She called us in her office, that's where we were this morning, because she wanted to talk to us about something" Sarah said.
"oh no... I can't stay with you, right? is that it?"
"No, we had the news that your mom is back... and apparently she wants to meet with you, talk to you we don't know exactly" Sarah finally said and I was grateful she could do it because i was basically paralyzed.
Vanessa's face had an expression i couldn't decode and that made me even more nervous.
"we've been asked to make a decision, decide if you should meet her or not, but we feel like it's not much our decision but yours, she is your mom and we will be by your side in both cases, whether you decide you want to talk to her or not"
"we totally support you whatever you decide and we will love you just the same either way" I finally managed to say.
"I don't want to talk to her" Vanessa said keeping her eyes down on her plate.
I got off my seat and kneeled down beside her so that i could hopefully meet her eyes "hi baby can you look at me please?" I asked and she did.
"are you sure of what you just said?" i asked "we need to know you're choosing just according to what you want, we don't matter in this, this is all about you and her"
"i hate her, she left me alone, she left and never even bothered to let me know where she was" she said and I was frankly surprised she had these kind of feelings for her but it wasn't healthy for a kid to hate her mother. This wasn't right and it was probably mine and Sarah's fault because we had never thought it was something we should've talked about.
"Listen this is another way to put it, you're angry at her, I get that but she's here now, this could be an opportunity"
"for what?"
"an opportunity to have answers to your questions, have something that could help you forgive her even if you don't want to see her ever again in your life anyway but you can't consume yourself hating her, you deserve to be happy, feel positive things and this is not positive. Hate is never worth it and you have to find it in yourself to carry on living despite things that happen that aren't fair and you don't deserve"
"i could ask her why she left? why she didn't come back with my dad too?"
"see how many more questions are there..." i said and my eyes welled with tears by i fought them back "please always see opportunities in the things that you're presented with in your life"
"why are you crying?"
"i'm not crying" i said quickly wiping a tear from my cheek.
"yes you are..." she said looking at Sarah "and you are too"
"look it's not as you think, we're crying because we love you, we would never want you to feel anything that is not positive and beautiful but we also know life is not all positive and beautiful but to have all this anger is not healthy, we want you to feel good and we have to help you get to the point where you feel good and we're sorry we didn't realize how angry you actually are and how much effort it requires of you." Sarah said summing up exactly my thoughts.
"we will be better moms baby girl, we love you so much"
"i couldn't ask for better moms because you're the best moms... today was amazing and i forgot all about it and I was just happy all day because we were together" Vanessa said.
"We were so happy too, we'll do this more often and we will help working things out" I said.
"Alright I will talk to her, you're right"
"okay... okay baby"
"I will be able to come back home with you right?" she asked and seeing her so uncertain made my heart break, I wish she didn't have to go through all that.
"of course... are you joking? We wouldn't leave without you anyway." Sarah said.
"Okay, i'll do it" she said.
"are you alright? do you feel safe, comfortable... is there something you want to ask us..."
"you could've just said no to her and I would've never known?" she asked.
"that was a possibility, if she stopped looking for you" Sarah said.
"okay, i have nothing else to ask... i love you mommies"
"we love you too baby, you're so sweet, smart and caring" I said.
"if it is tomorrow is it a problem? because we can ask to give you more time"
"no it's okay, better actually" she said.
"good now let's go to bed we all need to rest after a day like this." i said.
While Sarah put Vanessa to bed I had to call the social worker to tell her what we had decided.
We stayed in bed with Vanessa until she fell asleep cuddling her and massaging her scalp as she liked it.
When it was finally time for us to get in bed too I finally felt all the muscles in my thighs and arms aching from carrying Vanessa but it was a good kind of pain.
"do you think we did the right thing?" Sarah asked me as she got comfortable hugging me with one arm and settling her head on my shoulder.
"I think we did... but we should wait and see as things have a habit of taking bad turns" I sighed.
"do you regret telling her?" she asked.
"no... it just hurts to see her so angry, i hoped our love could make up, at least partially for her mistakes"
"i think it did, she knows she has choices now, she knows that the fact her mother's back doesn't mean anything if she doesn't want it to mean anything. She knows she can come home with us whatever happens tomorrow, don't you think this contributes to her comfort and stability?"
"I don't know anything Sar... I just know i'm always about to lose the people I love" I said.
"but the fact is... we always come back, it's going to be okay love..." she said caressing my face and i closed my eyes to better focus on her touch.
"sleep now, tomorrow is probably going to be harder than today" she said then.
"oh... I thought you were being the positive one this time" I chuckled.
"yeah, tomorrow"
"yeah okay" I giggled "goodnight" I said as she settled to sleep on her left side and i sneaked closer to hug her from the back.
"goodnight, I love you and please wake me up if you have trouble sleeping again"
"okay, okay" I said and left a few little kisses at the base of her neck before drifting off to sleep.

A/N in my defense i can only say that i noticed the word count when it was already too late. Personally I enjoy longer chapters, hopefully it's been the same for you if you made it this far. As always I love you, I love your comments, your votes and views, you're amazing and I just wanted to say thank you and please stay safe, vaccinate if you can and wear a mask for yourself and others! 💕