Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

better than therapy

this is 10,000 words you will hate me lmao... or maybe not, because a consistent part of those 10,000 words is smut... there i said it, bye

"This is utterly ridiculous" I protested.
"i swear if i hear another word about that" Sarah threatened pointing at me with her index finger.
"what?"
"i'm going to take you back at the hospital and i'm going to leave you there" she said pushing the door closed with her feet. She wanted to push me but i couldn't let her do that as well. It was humiliating for me and it was too much work for her.
I rolled the wheels on my own and the chair moved forward but not in a straight line until it hit the wall, fortunately i was going slowly.
"what are you doing?" she scoffed.
"i'm learning to drive this thing" I said trying to turn around and go back and after a few takes it actually went back but soon enough i realized it was Sarah pulling me.
"Sarah you have to let me figure this out, you can't push me wherever i need to go"
"why... why can't i do this? i have nowhere else to be anyway"
"because i don't want to pee on myself if you're not around when i need to go to the toilet, it's disgusting and i hate depending on you 100%, i don't want to put all this pressure on you"
"i'd do it because I love you"
"i know but i won't let you do it because i love you" She sighed in exhaustion and raised her hands as to say she was giving up.
"do not destroy anything around here" she said.
"yes ma'am, thank you, god i needed to pee, just in time" I said and this time i was able to turn around smoothly "oooh look at that i'm getting good at this" i winked.
"why am i under the impression that you are actually having fun?" she examined me.
"well, because i am, i thought i would only find it annoying but it is actually fun" i said making my way to the bathroom still too slow though.
As soon as i got out of the bathroom I heard the front door opening and I realized that must've been Vanessa, we had told her what had happened the previous night because we didn't have the heart to lie to her.
"mummy you ok?" i heard her ask Sarah and she said "of course"
I made my way back to the living room but when saw me her face genuinely changed expression. I thought i'd better not make it a big deal so i just smiled and said "hi baby girl, come hug mommy".
"Hi" she said tiptoeing through the doorway "are... how are you?" she asked.
"i'm okay, i'm good" i said smiling trying to reassure her enough for her to hug me.
"wow you seem so tall from this perspective" I said.
"did she hurt you a lot?" she asked, her face getting a lot darker.
"no baby she couldn't hurt me so badly, i'm much stronger than you know" i said.
"can i see it?"
"won't it make you sick?"
"no" she said.
"okay..." i said raising my shirt to show the wound but there were bandages on it so i wasn't really
able to show the whole thing but i realized as i saw it that there was a little drop of blood on the bandages "oh that's nothing baby, don't worry. "I'm okay" i said but it didn't really seem to get to her because her eyes watered.
"hey hey what's wrong?"
"are you really okay?" she sobbed.
"of course, come here" i said tapping on my thighs with my hands to make her sit. She carefully sat on my lap and I hugged her tight positioning her head on my chest "do you hear that?"
"it's fast"
"do you hear it yes or no?"
"yes"
"ok until you can hear that i'm okay"
"why is it so fast?"
"that's what happens when I see you or mum crying... i love you and i don't ever wanna see you cry"
"i love you too"
"that's great, i love when you say it" i smiled adjusting some strands of hair behind her ear and she smiled "now, there's this thing we have to ask you... We would like for you to try talking to somebody, somebody who can give you the right advice on how to deal with all your feelings because there are so many and we think it'd be better for you if you started understanding them so that you don't have to feel all of it constantly, you can be a little more at ease..."
"Would you like to try out our idea? We don't want to force you, just talk to them a couple of times maybe more until you understand if you wanna keep talking to them, if they're helping you" Sarah asked to let her know that she still had the possibility to say no if she didn't even want to try.
"why can't I just talk to you?"
"That's not what we're suggesting you can always talk to us, happy, sad, annoyed, whatever you are feeling you can always talk to us, it would be just something additional, it's not that we don't want you to talk to us..." I clarified.
"Oh... but what should i talk to them about?"
"you'll be talking with them, it's not like you have to talk all the time, they're going to ask some questions and then you go from there, it's not going to be hard" Sarah said.
"Ah, alright... i'll do it if you want me to do it"
"yeah? okay, we think it could be good for you"
"okay mommy i'll do it" Vanessa said even though she still seemed a little afraid at the idea of talking to a stranger.
"don't be worried, it's not going to be awkward I promise"
"i trust you" she said.
"oh well that's nice to hear" I chuckled.
"well, i need to take a shower now, because i couldn't take it last night"
"oh then go ahead and take your shower, we're not going anywhere" i smiled as she stood up and made her way to the bathroom.
"she seems to have taken it quite well, actually she looks even better than before..." i said but it was still weird to me.
"right? i was thinking the exact same thing" Sarah said.
"i mean she got tears in her eyes when she saw me with this but she didn't seem to care she was not going to see her mother anymore"
"i'm just so glad she's starting therapy, i hope it helps her"
"yeah... me too" I said "about that... how do you feel about you starting therapy?" i said and she looked at me.
"i am a little anxious i'm not going to lie but i think it will be okay"
"I don't want you to feel forced to do it..."
"I don't"
"really? because it feels like you resent me a little"
"what? i don't.. resent you... it wouldn't make sense..." she said holding the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes.
"headache?"
"yeah, i haven't slept too well last night"
"hospital beds... i know"
"no... i mean, yeah that didn't help but the problem was i was too anxious to fall asleep... I kept checking on you to make sure you were okay..." she said further confirming B's suggestion.
"Sarah that's-"
"no i know... i'm kinda crazy" she chuckled.
"no you are not, you're just vulnerable in this moment..." I said but i was getting tired of having to look up because i was in that chair so i approached the sofa and asked her to sit down with me for a moment and she came to sit opposite to me.
"you are not crazy... did i give you the impression i had ever even for one second thought you were crazy?" I asked and she shook her head.
"right, because you are not you are just dealing with things the best you can but still there is no shame in accepting help"
"i know that, it's not about that..."
"then what is worrying you?"
"it's just that i'm questioning myself, every time i think of something i ask myself is this really me or is this part of what's wrong with me..."
"there is absolutely nothing wrong with you nor there ever will be... i just want you to feel better, be a little more at ease, more relaxed"
"i want that too"
"you know what i think you're doing too much thinking here, you should try to see it as a break, this situation we've been in with Vanessa has been overwhelming and I know you haven't been resting properly, neither have i, so you can see it as a way to let it all out and actually feel better when you're done"
"yeah i could do that.."
"i love you, do you know that?"
"i love you too" she said.
I wanted to lean in to kiss until my wound didn't appreciate the movement and made me aware of that by radiating pangs of pain "oh shit" i hissed.
"you okay?"
"yeah i think so... i stopped in time" i said leaning back.
"it's okay i'll come to you" she said leaning in to kiss me.
"so... i was thinking..."i said trying to regain a little more cheerful exterior.
"yes?" she asked looking interested.
"what's your plan until we have to go to therapy?"
"you're kidding what could i possibly do... i can't go anywhere"
"good so if you're free... i have a proposition to make"
"oh well go ahead"
"how about cuddles?"
"well, how could i refuse, i better profit of your presence now because i will miss it once you go back to work"
"yeah Eve called today and I'd be good to work if i wanted to but we all know i can't help anyone like this, so this is going to last longer than we thought"
"so there are more cuddling afternoons to come"
"absolutely" I said "now help me out so we can start right now" and she carefully helped me to switch from the chair to the sofa.
"oh that's much more comfortable" I said but i did not wait enough for the pain to pass.
"are you okay?"
"we'll check right away" i said pulling my t shirt up a little to check i wasn't bleeding "yep, we're good" I said and she welcomed me in her arms, waited for me to get comfortable before adjusting her legs around me and she started playing with my hair as she always liked to do.
"they're so soft... and the pattern... i mean they literally bounce if i pull them down"
"wow i never heard so many words about my hair" i chuckled.
"oh well... i have many more words about all of you..." she sighed.
"wha-" I tried to turn to look at her but i couldn't "honey are you alright?"
"yes... of course i'm alright, i'm with you" she said.
"well i wasn't sure because... you sighed" I said.
"you still get so insecure anytime what i do doesn't match what you expect?"
"why, did i give you the impression i didn't anymore?"
"no i don't know, but you seem much more of a woman than you were when we met... i mean not that you weren't before... it's just you seem a little more conscious of your worth" she said still caressing my hair "you surely do not let anyone disrespect you or threaten what you built for yourself... at the risk of getting stabbed" she giggle and i did too.
"we're already joking about that, that's great, do we even need therapy?" i said.
"yeah i figured as long as you're here with me i can joke about anything that happens to us"
"i hope you know that i did what i did just thinking of you and Vanessa, our family is the most important thing for me" i said, reiterating the same discussion we had had on the journey back from the hospital.
"of course i know... who knows what her intentions were... you acted a little too much on instinct but i understand why"
"how could've i done better? i mean it's obvious i did something wrong since i've been stabbed but how could have i done it better?"
"ask the social worker for example, ask more questions on the exams they had done"
"she was able to tell me that her urinalysis had tested clean while i had a paper knife half the way inside my abdomen" I said as to remark that no matter how good she seemed when we first met maybe she wasn't all that good at her job.
"she had given them someone else's urine though..."
"i don't know Sarah... the fact is i had to know for myself... it's like i don't really trust anyone, if i can't fact check whatever it is they say then their word amounts to just about nothing for me..." i said "the only ones i trust are you, B, Peter and Vanessa" i said.
"it's not like she wanted to play you, she didn't know either, she thought she was clean"  Sarah said.
"i know now, but in that moment when everything was so uncertain i just needed something to hold on to, something that was sure, something that i could prove." i said "i know it's because of Michael, i know, i'm aware of how much he's influenced the way i live" i confessed to let her know that i knew she was thinking that.
"i know you know.... you are so smart, but not everyone is Michael" she flinched a little in having to pronounce that name.
"i know but i just can't help it, before i can realize i am already doubting them and i don't know how to stop"
"that's why we need therapy, so i learn to not shut down completely whenever something happens to you and you learn how to trust people again" she said even too sincerely for me to remain impassible to it.
"yeah... i guess we have to get over some shit..."
"some shit... we've been through hell and back"
"are we back yet? because it doesn't feel like it"
"if it doesn't yet i'm sure it will soon" she said kissing the top of my head and i loved when she did that because that made me feel protected.
"i think it's almost time" i said, not happy to leave her warm embrace so soon.
"yeah we should... i mean... dress a little better, i don't want them to think we're that desperate" she said and after she got up from the sofa she helped get on the chair again. I already hated all of that and i couldn't avoid it in any way.
We got dressed very slowly, at least me, because it was a rather elaborate procedure considering i could stand just for shot amounts of time and every time i breathed a sharp pain pierced through me.
Sarah drove us both to the therapists's office after leaving Vanessa with my grandma again
"doesn't it look weird.... that they both do the same job and they see couples separately?" i asked her as we waited in the waiting room.
"don't look at me, your friends suggested these guys" she said.
"yeah well it worked with them..." i said trying to give myself faith it wasn't going to be a total flop.
"good, then we're in good hands-" she was interrupted by a little ding from the door bell as they were finishing the previous session.
"god it's our turn"
"calm down..." she patted on my knee with her open hand.
I entered one room and she went to the other, casually like we had been told to do.
"hello, welcome, please come in" a deeper masculine voice greeted me and i rolled my eyes while i closed the door because i really thought i'd be more comfortable with a woman but at least Sarah would've been comfortable.
"I'm doctor Frome, you must've already talked to my wife when she scheduled yours and your wife's appointment here"
"yes, i have" i chuckled nervously "but i have to correct you, we're not married"
"oh i'm sorry, my bad, i should've asked.." he smile "please sit wherever you feel more comfortable" he said gesturing with his hands at the armchair beside him or the sofa opposite to him.
I went for the armchair, I didn't know why because its better position told me i should've probably sat on the sofa but i just went straight for the armchair.
"so i'm getting you are here for different reasons... you and your... hum, girlfriend?" he asked me to check if that term was appropriate and i nodded slightly "yeah we.. we need to figure out a few things and life hasn't been easy lately so we thought getting help would be the best thing to do" i said.
"i see here that you two have a child is that correct?"
"yes, we adopted her" i said shortly.
"so i'd just start getting to know you a little more" he smiled politely "i read here you're a doctor"
"yeah, i am, i work at the university hospital"
"oh i see, even now?"
"not at the moment..."
"i read on your file you've recently been stabbed..." he went straight on that, a bold move though and he knew it "do you want to talk about how you feel"
"is there really much more to say? i've been stabbed so for now i can't work, i can only stay home and be useless"
"do you feel your worth is only measured by your work?"
"not only but my work is very important for me"
"good how about the other things that define you?"
"well, there's Sarah, i love her so much and i'm her number one supporter. There's Vanessa, she makes me a better person because i always try to make her proud to call me her mom. There are my best friends B and Peter, we work together and we make the best team i could've ever dreamed of having, my family back in italy is the thing i miss the most i can talk to them on the phone or video call but it's not the same as being there and lately i've been missing them more but fortunately i still have a bit of that family here because i have my grandparents"
"how curious i asked about the thing that define you and you mentioned people"
"they do define me, how my family has raised me, the people i love, they do define me because i am all that i am because of them"
"what about you though, who are you actually"
"i'm a doctor, a girlfriend, hopefully more soon, a mom, a friend, a granddaughter, a daughter, a sister ..." i smiled challengingly
"very smart, but we're here for this so why don't you want to talk about yourself?"
"i did"
"you talked about the people you love.. but what's in your mind when you're doing nothing? just the love you feel for them?"
"i do think about that a lot..."
"you are a smart, promising young woman, there is more than that" he wasn't asking.
"i don't know..."
"you do know, you just don't want to tell me" he said and that was the truth because i could admit it to Sarah but admitting it to a stranger was impossible for me so i broke eye contact to look nervously at the window.
"you don't trust me, that's okay, we just met but you came here for help so the first thing you did was trusting that we were the right guys for the job so what has changed now?"
"i do want to believe that you will help me and i've been trying to convince myself of that but i just can't help it"
"why is that in your opinion"
"i know why that is and i know the story might sound absurd but since a person i knew tried to kill me i really have the worst time at trusting others"
"who wouldn't, there is nothing wrong with you trying to protect yourself"
"yeah look where that got me, with a paper knife in my abdominal cavity"
"do you think that happened because this time as well you didn't trust anyone?"
"sarah seems to think so" i said remembering our talk.
"of course but i asked what do you think"
"i think she's right, i don't trust people and i don't accept help from anyone, i do everything on my own and sometimes i make mistakes"
"getting stabbed is not your mistake, it's hers..."
"yeah..." i said fighting back tears.
"you don't seem to agree"
"i don't know, i have met too many people who tried to kill me to believe in mistakes and coincidences"I said bitterly.
"why don't we look closer into that..." he suggested and i could've thought of a million reasons not to do it but i also thought there was no point in prolonging the agony.