Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

Impulsive decisions

Weeks passing had allowed me to ease back into a work routine and I was picking up my pace everyday now. There was never much of a routine really, but I guess i liked it like that. Trauma response or not i felt like i thrived in chaos so the E.R. had really been my place.
There's this weird thing you do when you don't want to think about the things you really should be thinking about: you load yourself in work, keep your mind working at a solid 150% of its potential and then when you're done working, because you already work an illegal amount of hours and couldn't possibly work more, you go home and you do homework with your daughter, cook for your family and maybe, if you're really feeling it, you might as well clean the whole damn house.
"so yeah that was great, I felt so energized, i mean do you understand, she was dead like, medically, clinically, very dead" I said ranting to dr Frome about a patient i had in the E.R.
"Yeah, i understand what clinically dead means and you said that-"
"also the interns... oh my god they were so pale i wouldn't have known which one to catch first" i cracked a laugh "oh my... i think actually the best part of it was that little you-can't-teach-me-anything brat's face" i admitted savoring how good it felt to come out on top again. "Oh and-"
"Did you perhaps pay any mind at all to Michael?" dr Frome asked abruptly.
"wow you know how to kill the vibe..." i scoffed "but no, to answer your question, i'm staying as far as i can, like you said".
"I'm sorry, but this reluctance to talk about what's going on in your mind is really ringing a bell for me... it's an alarming bell"
"Couldn't it just be that i'm passionate about my job again? When I left I was burnt out, with health issues, grieving the loss of the one person that made me passionate about this, relationship problems, custody problems, gunshot problems... Now i work, i go home, i get to be with the people i love, sleep and then repeat"
"I... something's not checking out here. I mean i know you're passionate about what you do but this is not it, you were told to ease into it slowly... And what do i see when i come in first thing this morning to get your monthly rounds to schedule our appointments? you're picking up 24h shifts?!" he asked as if i had done something unimaginably dangerous.
I shrugged. "So what? i did them before i can do them now."
"don't you think it's too soon?" he pressed.
"If i didn't, you clearly do, so please be forward with me doc" i sat back because i didn't know where all this resistance was coming from i thought i was selling it pretty well.
"i would really like for you to start talking to me again... why have these walls gone up again?"
"I don't know what you're talking about..." I sighed suddenly taking an interest in my surroundings.
"You can say it... whatever it is, I will never judge. What are you distracting yourself from?" he asked again, unwilling to let it go.
"please i'm... i just- this is who i am now, i work and i spend time with my family" I said.
"Sylvia, I beg you, this is your space, nobody else matters here..." he said with a note of exhaustion in his tone.
"I know, and that's why i haven't stopped seeing you, because it's time for me..."
"whoa what?" he said and clicked his pen.
"what?" i asked, not sure which part didn't sound good this time.
"who ever said anything about stopping?" he asked.
"we hadn't talked about it but like i thought we could've done that..."
"there's no way you're not coming here at least once a week. You didn't fool me, so either you start collaborating or i'll have to take my concerns somewhere else Sylvia and please believe me when i say that it pains me to do so but you're not talking to me and i'm pretty sure you're not talking to Sarah either so the whole hyperfocus act may have fooled her but... i see right through you"  he said and i had never heard that much resolution in his voice.
"well you tell me what it is.. since you know every fucking thing..."
"ok i'll bite... so from my understanding of you it could be a few things..." he removed his glasses and leaned his head to the side "either you're scared something else might happen to you or someone in your family again..." he registered no reaction from me so he went on "or you're thinking about hurting yourself, but i don't know about that... you love to be there for them and you couldn't do that ig if you're dead so no it's not this one..." he said and i slightly felt like that sofa had pins pinching though my clothes "last scenario is you've been having thoughts of hurting him first before he gets back to you because you think that's the plan and probably you're overworking yourself here and at home to avoid thinking about it" he exhaled sharply making it clear his bet was on the last one.
I stayed silent until not even avoiding his glance could make it less uncomfortable "Okay, yeah, i just think about how it would be if he died..."
"if he died or you killed him?" he urged "there's difference"
"I KNOW! my God, don't you think i know?! I SWORE and I never in the slightest could've imagined i'd be having these thoughts after saying those words and believing it would never happen to me to want to... intentionally do harm to a patient" I shouted and as i realized my hand rose to my mouth and barely suppressed a sob.
"at least we got it out, now we can work on it..." he said calmly.
"there's nothing to work on honestly i should just resign and go away... this is... this is the last straw-"
"do you have a plan?" he interrupted.
"huh, excuse me?" i inquired.
"of how you want to kill him... do you have a plan?" he repeated.
"I-" i stopped because i honestly had to think about it for a second, i wasn't expecting that question "I mean I haven't decided..." i said and i felt so guilty like it was just like deciding what to have for dinner.
"do you want it to be painless or do you want him to suffer?" he queried.
"please don't... i just, i don't want revenge, i just don't want to feel this way all the time... like i have to constantly look over my shoulder waiting for him to have another go at me" I pleaded "I know it's a horrible thing and I hate myself for it but it's like i can't help but feel the urge to do something before something is done... to me".
"I am so sorry I didn't see this sooner... now i don't want you to take this the wrong way but i think we should get you started on some meds, they won't alter your judgement, i'm not grounding you i promise but if you need to work you need to be focused and not have part of your mind constantly worried about him. How's it sound?" he bargained.
"it sounds horrible... please don't.. i know these drugs, i know how it is coming off them and i know how low it can be before they even start working, please let's just... i'd come here everyday if you want me to" i implored.
He sighed deeply looking me in the eye "i'd be here for any dosage problem or whatever symptom or discomfort they might bring you..."
"Please doc, give me another chance... he currently has 2 more weeks without any complications then he'll be gone. I'll talk to sarah, i'll do whatever you want" I continued.
"Fine, you'll come check in with me every day before or after your shift, we'll work that out as we go, for these two weeks and i need you removed from his care" he said.
"i'm not, i was only there once because Blythe asked me to cover some patients for her.. i chose his chart and i put it on my pile when she didn't notice" I said.
"why?" he asked.
"i thought because i wanted a cool case to show the interns but i actually just wanted to know how it would feel to be in the same room as him again..." I admitted "the interns loved it though, never had so many questions"
"how'd it feel to be there?" he questioned me again, not letting himself get distracted by my jokes.
"i barely got to the toilet to puke... so, huh, not great... i felt really nervous, alone, anxious..."
"please go home and talk to Sarah, i'm sure you'll find that you're not alone" he suggested.
"i will... thank you, doc. I'm such a mess but you do a great job with it..."
"who isn't a mess... thank you though, goodnight Sylvia" he said with with a slight smile.
He looked disappointed... or sad.. maybe worried.. I sucked at reading people "goodnight" i said and closed the door behind me as i left.
I walked home that night i didn't even feel the exhaustion from standing all day long i was just hypnotized by my phone and instagram and cute photos of vanessa my grandma sent me. I stopped. Taylor Swift concert tickets were on sale for milan. This is perfect, I thought Vanessa loves her and i can visit my parents even if sarah can't come we could go. I hesitated a while then decided i should get them, I mean it was an experience i wanted my daughter to have and honestly i kinda wanted to have that experience too.
"You're home" Sarah said opening the door just a second before i could open it.
"I am.. I usually come home, don't I?" i joked.
"yeah sorry, i just have something i wanted to talk about" she admitted.
"jesus this sounds so serious every time" I sighed "but me too".
"oh... you go first then..." she said sounding more surprised than i would've liked.
"I kinda need Vanessa too... so-"
She yelled for her "I had just convinced her to go do her homework, it's going to be your fault if she didn't finish it" she said half smiling.
"yessir" i giggled.
"Mommy!" Vanessa said coming down the stairs way too fast for my heart not to skip several beats.
"my favorite girl in the world!" i said picking her up as she dived in my arms.
"I have a surprise" I said and she sighed deeply holding her breath in anticipation.
"So i did something impulsive..." their glance on me got more concerned "I... got us tickets... for, hum, Taylor Swift-" Vanessa screeched before i could even finish "in Milan" i said.
It evolved in full blown screaming "YOU'RE KIDDING?! OH MY GOD I LOVE TAYLOR SWIFT SO MUCH I'M GOING TO CRY" Vanessa said coming over to hug me "THANK YOU THANK YOU"
"it's okay honey, i knew you would've liked it, i wanna go too i think it's gonna be amazing" i said picking her up still hugging her.
"no i don't like it, i love it, my heart is exploding" she said.
"i'm glad you're happy, baby girl, i love you so much" i said.
"well i guess my thing looks real small right now after this little stunt you pulled, honey" sarah chuckled.
"oh right oh my god, what was your thing, sorry" i said as i had completely forgotten she had something to say too with all that screaming.
"wait a minute" she said and disappeared somewhere else.
"what do you think it is?" i whispered in Vanessa's ear.
"i don't know but she has been acting weird since she picked me up" she confessed.
"she did huh, that's intriguing" i said "shall we go find her..." i moved towards the door but before i could get out Sarah came back holding a real, living, breathing, barking puppy in her arms.
"oh my goodness" i said and i looked at Vanessa with both her hands on her mouth probably trying to hold her excitement in in order not to scare the dog.
"well come say hello to our new baby" Sarah said in that particular tone she usually reserved for babies and cute puppies. Vanessa jumped right out my arms and Sarah kneeled down beside her to let her have a better look. I joined them too and i showed Vanessa how to pet it "let it smell you... just like that" i said and the puppy licked her hand so i guessed it was a good sign. Vanessa giggles and she gently caressed its neck and under its mouth.
"i need to know the story of this at this point" i said looking at Sarah.
"I just follow a lot of rescue accounts on instagram and twitter and i always see all the videos and pictures they post trying to get people to adopt them and i always share to give them more visibility but like i wanted to do something more... plus i fell in love with her as soon as i saw these big black ears" she said and i swore if her eyes could've shape shifted into hearts they would've in that exact moment.
"her, well, what's her name?" i said scratching behind her ears as she seemed to appreciate it.
"Winnie, isn't she so sweet?"
"oh yeah she is gorgeous" Vanessa said "she's not shaking anymore" she smiled.
"no she's taking all the cuddles, she's really cuddly, or so i've been told, quiet too, don't worry" she said shooting me a glance.
"oh i'm not worried... i love her already" i said.
"i'm glad" she said leaning forward for a kiss and i obliged immediately. Winnie took the chance to jump off sarah's lap more interested in playing with Vanessa.
"well these were quite the coincidences" sarah said as we broke the kiss.
"i know right, also totally impulsive like you saw her and fell in love and i was just walking and i went like we're going to the Eras tour, babe" i laughed. "also i kinda didn't want to wait anymore, i want Vanessa to see my home like she always wanted to".
"I mean you're going to wait anyway, it's gonna be several months, almost a year" she said.
"i know but at least we have a date or we would've never set it bc there's always a million things that come first..." i said.
"what do you mean?" she asked.
"i mean work is a lot, constantly, for both of us, we barely see each other and we never have time to talk about anything like the wedding, we have made no plans yet and i mean i know that we have time and there's no need to rush but it kinda felt like life was just work at the hospital and work at home and it was kind of exhausting so i needed something exciting to break the cycle.. i don't know if I'm explaining myself but yeah i don't know how else to say it"
"i get it honey, and now i kinda feel sorry i just basically brought home more work with Winnie... this was a silly idea i should've talked to you about it oh my god, i didn't even think-"
"Sarah, sarah... it's okay really it's not what i was talking about and yes you could've told me but i would've just told you to go get her because i mean... how do you say no to those big fluffy ears.."
"are you sure... i feel so bad right now"
"oh please don't, really, it's fine, Vanessa is over the moon, probably best day of her life so far, Winnie is adorable and I am even more in love with you" i said "I just... have something kind of more serious to talk to you about..." i sighed.
"what... what is it?" she said getting up leading me somewhere else but i wasn't sure it was wise to leave kid with dog unsupervised.
"wait... Vanessa be careful with Winnie while mommy and i are in the other room okay? and... oh, for god's sake is that my hair brush?" i sighed
"yeah... but it's so relaxing to her, look" Vanessa said and she definitely had a point since Winnies was huddled on her lap basically almost asleep "yeah i liked that brush too, so i get it..." i said and went to our bedroom with Sarah.
"what is it babe...?" she asked.
"huh, I just don't want you to think i'm crazy or just... i don't want you to feel differently about me..." I said, stress regaining the best of me again quickly.
"I love you, you can tell me anything, literally anything I promise i'm not going to judge you, you have my word" she said.
"okay well... I guess you noticed it too that like in the past few weeks i have been working a lot of shifts and also at home..."
"the fridge is stocked of more food than we're probably able to eat and you cleaned the whole house like every day so yeah i kinda knew something was off"
"yeah so it's about Michael, I've been trying to distract myself in every way but i constantly think about..." i couldn't bring myself to say it like i was out of breath so i tried harder "i couldn't stop thinking about how it would've felt if he died... because of me" i said and as much as i know she tried to hold it in she was completely taken aback.
"you... thought about... killing him?" she said progressively whispering lower and lower
I sighed and turned away to look out the window and weirdly i wanted to smoke. I had quit a long time ago and i never missed it but in that moment the urge was so strong i even had the impression my hands were itching. "Yes" i confirmed as i could still feel her stare on me even if i wasn't looking at her.
"Jesus Sylvia" she let out like a cry.
"I know" i said trying to swallow the lump that made my throat hurt. Why did i even think for a moment i was hurt at her calling me by my first name just because she never did... I had just told the woman i wanted to kill somebody... It was a miracle she was still talking to me at all.
"However..." I sniffled snapping out of my trance "I talked to dr Frome, he wants to get me started on meds... maybe for everyone's safety i should let him" i chuckled even though my vision was blurry from tears building up but i wasn't letting them fall just yet "I wanted to talk to you about it first though".
"Do you want to start taking medication"
"No... it's not like i wouldn't take the same things i often give my patients but exactly because i use these drugs every day i know how difficult they are to regulate and everyone is different so it could take a while to find the right combination and in the meantime i could be having side effects, be foggy, make more mistakes... I'm scared i'll actually kill somebody but unintentionally"
"Okay so what... what are we gonna do..." she asked still clearly in shock.
I let my body fall sitting on the opposite side of the bed "I don't know... I guess i'm just going to reconsider medication and i'll try to be more careful at work and double check everything i do... I could ask B- but she can't babysit me though, she's got her hands full as it is-"
"I am so fucking sorry Sylvia... like you gave so many signs, I noticed you were acting differently but i chose not to investigate it because it was convenient for me... Jesus I'm- I'm sorry isn't even close to how i feel right now" she said.
"I wouldn't have told you anything anyway because I feel so ashamed of myself i feel like i'm just surviving because i can't kill myself" I let out in a wave of total honesty.
As she heard that she looked at me for the first time since I had broken eye contact "I feel so awful... i let you sleep beside me, i did homework with Vanessa while in my head i was going on and on about it all the time, that's why i was always keeping myself busy... working, cooking, cleaning and all that shit, nothing worked" I finally cried "he might be crazy but i'm not better than him and now i know".
"why are you telling me now... what changed..." she asked cautiously but i didn't miss what her tone was implying.
I closed my eyes breaking eye contact again"Dr Frome took a wild guess on why i was acting strangely and he was right..." I said looking at her again "I didn't do anything, the police is not going to barge in here to arrest me any second... or I wouldn't have bought tickets for a concert in a year would i" I sighed.
"I didn't mean-"
"yes you did... and it's alright, i would've thought the same" I said digging my nails in my palms.
"okay I don't know what to do... or say..."
"you don't have to know... I know what to do... I'll take the medication and i'll resign..."
"you what?"
"you heard it"
"what... you would never give up your job"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER! IF I'M THINKING OF KILLING SOMEBODY WHILE I'M DOING THE JOB IT'S BETTER IF I NEVER TOUCH ANY PATIENT AGAIN" I yelled in exhaustion and i regretted it as i heard Vanessa running to our room.
"Mommy... I heard yelling is everything okay?" she said slightly peeping at the door.
I took a deep breath before replying "everything is fine, you can go back to play with Winnie, honey"
"but-"
"or you can go brush your teeth and go to bed if you prefer, you choose" I added.
"fine" she replied not very pleased shutting the door.
"next time let me handle her..." Sarah said.
"you mean next time i tell my partner I have been having thoughts of murder and she looks at me like i'm already a serial killer? I wonder when that will be" I said sarcastically.
"You just told me that and i haven't even had the time to metabolize it and you're already talking resigning and medication... I'm sorry if i need a second, this is new to me"
"I beg you stop looking at me like i have blood on my hands or my face or whatever it is you're seeing in your mind right now" I said.
"I'm sorry okay, i don't know what to do, what to say, how to look at you... Nobody ever told me anything like this before"
"yeah i never thought i'd ever feel the need to kill somebody but there's been a lot of first times since i met you" i said and i realized the weight of those words just when it was already too late. " I'm sorry... Jesus I only said that because i'm angry, I don't mean it... I'm sorry"
"Can we take a break so that i can try to make sense of all this... we're just hurting each other like this and it leads nowhere" she said with tears running down her face profusely.
"Sure..." I said "I'll check Vanessa's homework and I'll put her to bed so you have time to think" I said and left the room not waiting for her confirmation.