Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

highs and lows

"honestly it looks like you're not even trying" my physiotherapist said.
I looked at him while i took a sip of water from the bottle "you've got to be kidding me"
"i've never been more serious, i haven't seen anyone do less than you're doing now"
"we've been at this for almost an hour.. i'm exhausted"
"bullshit, you've done shifts longer than an hour and i'm sure they didn't involve much sitting when there was people dying everywhere" he said.
"yeah on fully functioning legs..."
"your legs can walk to me right here... the problem is in your mind"
"i swear to God if you give me that crap once again..."
"pain is a must have in this or you wouldn't need to do this but you need it so ass up from that chair and come to me" he said holding his arms out to me.
"i hate this guy" i muttered between myself.
"i heard you"
"better" i said and got up from the chair for the millionth time.
"I don't care if you're going to hate me but you're not leaving until you do this at least once." he said.
"Hum.. Dan, right? I already hate you" I said taking the first steps
"yeah i heard you the first time".
After the first three steps i was spent already and my knuckles had turned white from how hard i was gripping the handles in order not to fall on the floor.
"oh God" my voice shook from the pain i was in.
"do not stop..."
Arguing with him took away too much energy from me and i needed all of it to ignore that pain.
I took another step and it hurt so much i couldn't help but let out a groan.
"don't give up, don't give up... it's just ten more steps..." he said.
"i don't have ten more steps... i just can't..."
"fuck it... get out of the way" Sarah said approaching him "babe you've overcome worse than ten more steps... whatever you thought you couldn't do you always ended up doing it..." she said to me.
"i can't Sarah..." I said.
"you can and i know it but you have to know it too" she insisted "i know that you're doing your best and i see how much pain you're in.
I know you'd walk so much more if i needed you to, but right now... all i need is for you to make ten more steps" she said.
Goddamn right i would've run a marathon even if i had no legs if she so much asked me to.
I took another step and the pain was insufferable but then i was only nine steps away so i tightened my grip on the handle and took one more and then another before my brain could process how painful that was.
"Shit..." i exhaled sharply.
"you're doing great, keep walking babe"
I looked at her and in my head the only thing louder than any other thought was that i needed to stop to make the pain stop but then the look on Sarah's face like she was already proud of me because i was trying made me want to get to the end of it. I took the last steps as fast as i could to get as close as I could to them.
"easy don't rush it, honey" she said "come on, you can almost take my hand"
"easy, easy" Daniel said from behind Sarah.
I really hated that man with every fiber of my body even though deep down i knew that was his job.
I took another step and i could finally take Sarah's hand but i was too afraid to let go of the handrail with the other one.
"It's fine babe you're almost here.." she said.
"oh my god..." I said and took a deep breath and secured it in biting my bottom lip.
I took the final steps and finally made it to the end.
I fell down on the chair that was waiting for me at the end of that brief path and finally let go of the breath i had been holding inside.
"I am so, so proud of you, babe" she said caressing my cheek, I knew she wanted to lower to kiss me but she had to watch her movements too.
"thank you..." I panted.
"does it hurt?" Daniel asked kneeling in front of me to examine my knee.
"yes... it hurts" i said.
"it's a little swollen that's not really good, try to keep your leg up when you're laying down, maybe with a pile of cushions or whatever works for you"
"okay..." i said "i already do that every day but i guess i'll continue to do it"
"did you walk?"
"do i look like i could've? you saw me right there."
"i don't get it then... what about sensibility?" he said lightly caressing the area with the tip of his fingers.
"it's fine, sensibility is fine" I said
"mmh... just keep it high and if tomorrow it's still swollen we'll see this through" he said and sent us home with that.
Sarah got behind me and started pushing the chair towards the door "you've done great today babe" she said.
"please... now great is taking a few steps..."
"you couldn't take even one and you were in so much pain... it really is great"
"how long is this going to take... am i ever going back as i was before?"
"i'm sure you will... it will take what it will take, we can be patient and you can do great things"
"such as not being able to save you?"
"you did save me or i would be in your place right now..."
"still..."
"no... it is a lot... babe i'm older than you it could've taken me a lot more time and i don't know if i could've gotten back on my feet after something like this and that would've been the end of me... probably my career too and i surely wouldn't have been able to play Linda when i had been preparing for this for so long and you know it, you know how much this means to me"
"well... i suppose... not many couples can say they actually took a bullet for each other... and survived it" i chuckled.
"yeah i know right?" she said going back to pushing me.
The parking lot was unusually crowded, meaning there were a few people here and there but definitely not a crowd.
"oh god" sarah said and i looked up at her to see what the problem was and i found her compulsively trying to fix her hair.
"sarah your hair is fine..." i said.
"the problem is not the hair"
"what are you doing then?" i chuckled because it was kinda funny to watch her trying to use her sunglasses as a mirror "oh no, it's the eyebrows again... isn't it?"
"yeah, it's always the eyebrows... i feel so uncomfortable" she scoffed giving up trying to cover her face with her hair.
"you look gorgeous anyway"
"shut up, i remember your face when you first saw me" she laughed.
"i was just surprised... when you change something so important as your eyebrows of course it's going to have an impact but I love you"
"Sylvia my forehead is huge" she said as that was the worst thing that could happen to someone.
"it's not... but even if it was... so what?"
"so it is..." she struggled because i knew she didn't want to sound dramatic but that was actually a big deal for her so she faked being too focused on helping me inside the car to finish the sentence.
"Sarah" i stopped her from starting the car putting a hand on top of hers "your forehead is beautiful and your eyebrows are as well, no matter what color they are you look like a goddess anyway okay?"
"i guess that if you like them... then they're okay.." she said smiling a little.
"yeah? i want them too... i want blonde eyebrows, i could play linda's daughter huh?"
"do you think the eyebrows are a genetic trait or something?" she chuckled.
"i mean it could very well be, it surely needs to be investigated"
She giggled "you can't have blonde eyebrows, someone needs to look like a normal person in this family..." she stated.
"what if we all got blonde eyebrows?"
"no" she said like it was obviously a stupid idea.
"why not though... it'd be fun..."
"honey you and Vanessa have brown hair not only it would be unnecessary it would also look so wrong..."
"i swear if that's the only issue i will dye my hair blonde too" i said "don't hairdressers do that? like hair and eyebrows same color?" i chuckled.
"i can't figure out if you're kidding right now" she said glancing at me briefly only to get her gaze back to the road.
"both... i could be serious if that'd make you feel any better about your own eyebrows situation"
"babe... i'm a grown up i'll be fine"
"oh i know, just... please know that you're beautiful and i love you okay? And i just hate seeing you so uncomfortable when you walk past people... I know what you've been reading, I know someone has been making fun of you or been mean to you but they don't matter... because you have a shit ton of other people who absolutely adore you no matter what" i said "please tell me you know that you're loved and that we don't love you any less because of your brows"
"i know... i know you love me, babe" she sniffled.
"i don't mean just me..." i said and she glanced at me briefly and gave me a half smile.
"i know..." she said taking my hand to her lips and kissing the back of it making me smile in relief.
Days like that had been routine in the last month. We were trying to get everything to work, sarah's new filming schedule, my therapy, physical and not, her therapy, taking care of Vanessa... It was a lot to consider when one is stuck on a wheelchair and the other is out in a wig and nose prosthetic pretending to be another person but we both did our best. One day she was stressed out, the other one it was me, but we were trying our best to be there for each other and more than anything to actually open up to each other... that was more of a problem for me because she was in general more inclined to talk, however i was doing my best and fortunately she noticed that even though she was dealing with her own chunk of guilt... I wasn't too worried though, as difficult as it was we were trying really hard and it seemed to be right about all we needed to do for the time being. Of course sometimes things didn't exactly go as we had planned them but that was part of the game and we were trying to adapt... Sometimes at the end of the week we were so tired and in an ideal world we wouldn't even have gotten out of bed but the world was very much not ideal, that's why weekends were all about cooking lessons for Sarah. I tried to teach her the basics of cooking and as a proper response to that problem B had gotten us a fire extinguisher because "burnt skin grosses me out so i don't want to have to deal with your burnt skin". None could blame her and we didn't want to take any chances so it sat next to oil and vinegar on the counter.
However cooking was far from being my greatest problem because that was actually the dreams. I had been dreaming of dying in a different way every night, sometimes i woke up abruptly because of that or because of some pain in my leg but i always woke sarah up because of my movements, she ended up being more tired and more irritable so it was overall a real fucking mess but we were trying to stay afloat.