Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

I feel so helpless

When I woke up a ray of sun shining exactly on my face made me groan a little. I suddenly remembered it was Christmas, after checking my phone i saw i had like a million instagram notification i scrolled them briefly but then i woke Sarah up because we better head down to home before the weather started getting worse again.
"Sarah, love, I'm sorry but we have to go now" I said after getting back from the bar "I got your breakfast you can have it while we go home" I told placing a kiss on her lips to make her wake up.
"Uuuh good morning to you too" she groaned and smiled, her eyes still half closed.
"Good morning beautiful"
"Oh I bet beautiful it's the last thing I can be after a night on this sofa" she laughed rubbing her back with her hand.
"You will have better sleep when we get back home" I said smiling at her, handing her a little bag with her breakfast.
"Don't you want to have breakfast too?" She asked still quite sleepy.
"Yes sure but I better wait till we get home, are you ready? It's getting quite late..." I asked her not to press on her but I wanted to avoid unwanted accidents.
"Yes, let's go then..." She said and got out the door, I closed it, returned the keys and headed to the car, Sarah was following just beside me but she didn't say anything for all the way to the car and a little time in the car she was silent. When I was done of that awkward silence I asked "Don't you wanna have your breakfast? Fortunately there was nothing hot because it would taste awful now"
It seemed like I had awakened her from a daydream because she looked at me in confusion for a few seconds then said "Y-yes actually I had forgotten about it"
"Is everything ok, Sar?" I said looking at her.
"Yes! Look at the road! it's all icy and curvy and you look at me?" She said pointing at the road.
"i know I'm watching..." I said and shut up because if she didn't want to talk God knows I was not stubborn enough to make her change her mind.
"It takes long?" She asked.
"About 20 minutes starting now" I answered.
I was driving safely out of the mountain paths to the country roads like 10 minutes away from home when my sight became blurred, I grabbed the steer tighter with booth of my hands squeezing my eyes trying to regain control but nothing... It was really happening again. My last conscious gesture was to approach the side of the road and stop the car that was the moment she realized.
"Why are we..." she was about to say when she turned her head to look at me "Oh... honey you're okay?" She said cupping my face but I think she quickly realized I wasn't.
"Okay I'll drive home, can you get down and exchange seats?" She asked trying to sound calm but I knew she wasn't.
"Yes I think so..." I sighed and slowly opened the door while Sarah came to my side, I felt my legs incredibly heavy and difficult to move. When my feet touched the ground i figured out my muscles weren't going to keep me up and i almost fell but fortunately Sarah caught me.
"Okay we need to hurry then" She said trying to help me to the passenger seat, when we managed to do it she took my place, typed my address on the maps and followed the indications but she was constantly talking to me "Hey hun, are you still with me?" I could just groan to let her know I was alive but not much more.
"We're not that far now, keep it going, okay?" She asked and again I just sighed.
When we got home I was almost unconscious and couldn't let anyone know I could actually hear and understand what they were saying, it was as if I didn't own my body so I let go and then I woke what semed to be a few hours later in my bed but Sarah wasn't there.
Everything was quiet it felt like nobody was actually at home but I knew what they were probably doing, I knew that heavy silence. I felt horrible, like when you catch a cold but 10 times worse... my body was aching and even breathing was an effort.
I really just turned her Christmas into this shit?
I couldn't forgive myself for my stupid issues, I felt powerless and it stressed me so much I just cried, it was the only alone moment I had so I just let it go. A few minutes later a black silhouette appeared on the door, I recognized Sarah from her hair tied in a little bun and she had one of the twins in her arms.
"Do you think auntie is awake?" She asked her "Yes? But if she's not, we can wake her up, right? She's a sleeper" she added.
"I am back in the world of the living" I said breaking the silence and scaring Sarah.
"Oh god will you stop scaring me one day?" She then asked to me approaching to our bed and sitting on the edge next to me.
"I expected something more like 'my love, I'm glad you're alive' " I joked even though right before I was crying "Anyway this time I didn't scare you intentionally"
She leaned on me to kiss me and she whispered "I was so worried, I love you"
Before I could reply "I love you too, auntie!!" Annie shouted to my face.
"I can hear you sweetie no need to shout!" I said laughing and taking her from Sarah's arms placing a big kiss on her cheek.
"So do you mind doing something for me?"
"What?" She asked curiously
"Go down and tell the others I'm ok and awake?"
"Yes!!" She cheered making me smile a little more.
"Okay go girl" I said putting her back down and she rushed out of the room. Sarah was getting up too but I grabbed her wrist to stop her "No please stay, she is not really able to walk down the stairs very well so this will take a while" I told her.
"Sure love I was just going to the other side of the bed" she laughed softly.
I let her go and she came next to me, settled under the blankets and let my head rest on her breast.
"Why were you crying honey?" She asked and I freezed because I didn't know she had noticed.
"Uhm... I was... I don't know" I hardly said with a lump in my throat "I was just scared I guess, I think there's something wrong with me Sarah, it is not supposed to happen this often"
"Don't talk like this... please" she whispered in my ear hugging me tighter.
"I don't know I'm just so scared Sarah... And also I'm so sorry for what I got you through, my messed up body that refuses to work as it should shouldn't affect you.. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." I said now really crying on her shirt.
"What? I can't believe you really think what you just said. I don't want to hear this bullshit once again. I love you. Will you ever understand it? I really really do love you and I'll be with you whatever comes and we will face it, together" she said and sounded quite determined.
Before I could say anything we heard a knock, it was my grandma leaning against the door "How are you honey? I was so sad we couldn't make dinner together as we always do" she said sitting at the end of the bed with me and Sarah.
"I'm feeling better don't worry, I'm so upset too, did mom help you?" I asked her smiling trying to make her worry a little less.
"Yes, but you know you're my favorite cooking partner sweetheart" she said disappointed "Even though Sarah's not bad either" she added winking at her and Sarah thanked her winking back.
"What? She is terrible at cooking... I don't like that winking to each other thing" i said getting jealous.
"Hahah Sylvia you're girl is safe I swear" my grandma laughed out loud.
"It's about you that I'm jealous, I do not want my girlfriend to replace me" I explained myself. They both bursted into laughter at the same moment and Sarah said "It's not my intention to replace you love"
"Well this better be true huh?"
"Okay enough" my grandma said giving me a brief hug "let's go down it's almost time for dinner, and the others surely want to see you"
"Yes, let's go. Well... you better go first I'm a little too messy here and need to get ready before dinner" I told my grandma.
"Yes honey... Sarah please, don't leave her alone" she politely asked giving her a worried look.
"I will not take my eyes off her" Sarah responded.
I got dressed with Sarah's help as I was feeling still weak so I had to accept her help even though having to ask for the simplest things made me really ashamed.
When we finished getting dressed Sarah helped me down the stairs taking me arm in arm and we finally made it to the dining room where everyone was waiting for us for Christmas dinner.
We sat at the table, I sat next to my father and Sarah sat next to me and when we where finally all together we exchanged Christmas wishes and began to eat and chat. After like half an hour of being sat at the table to eat the kids were already gone to play but we could still hear them scream and laugh.
"I don't know if I will survive until they grow up" my cousin sighed.
"Maybe you shouldn't have had six children one after the other" her mother warned her jokingly.
"I don't really know how you manage to stay sane, because let's say that just one child is difficult to keep up with, but six, it takes bravery, girl" Sarah honestly said, maybe too honest, but that was just Sarah being Sarah so I didn't worry much.
"I know, they were all so cute as newborn, do you remember Sylvia? So quiet, always sleeping so heavenly" she said in a dreamy tone.
"Of course I remember all of them" I assured "You know Sarah I took a different themed baby photo shoot for each one, but at the fifth time I was running out of imagination" I said and laughed remembering those times.
"I don't struggle to believe it" she laughed "You have to show me these pictures I'm dying of curiosity"
"Grandma could shoot me if I got up from the table during Christmas dinner so maybe another time" I said looking at my grandmother who was peacefully eating when she mimed the gesture of a gun that shoot with her hand and we all laughed.
"But Sarah you didn't want kids too?"
I froze when I heard my aunt asking this and also Ellen was looking at me worried, I didn't know if I should've answered before she could but I decided not to.
"Actually I felt like I wasn't prepared to be the best mother my child deserved so I preferred not to have a child because I think it's the hardest job in the world and I don't want to do it if I can't do my best." She answered sincerely and I felt something in my stomach because maybe someday after graduation I wanted to have children but she really didn't seem to be interested... I forced myself not to think about it because I didn't want to ruin the evening and also this wasn't even a priority at the moment.
"Yes it is a very demanding job, I see your point, you have to be more than 100% sure you want it or it is going to be a real struggle" my grandma explained and sustained Sarah and somehow I was glad she did because I didn't know how the others would take this but maybe she had sensed it too and she had said so.
"In the end it is not necessary for everyone to become parents, it depends on what each one feels" I simply said.
"Yes of course" my aunt agreed and went on finishing to eat in silence. When we were done eating I took the albums and showed Sarah the pictures I had taken of the kids. She browsed the photos carefully trying to guess who was who in the pictures.
"Oh I'm the best at this game" she said when we finally finished looking at all the photos.
"You're the best at pretty everything according to you" I teased her.
"oh here's the usual irony, I can see that you feel better" she muttered.
"But you love this old grumbler, right?" I joked.
"More than my own life" she said and planted a hard kiss on my lips and she didn't really seem to care that much about who was looking.
Once everyone had left to go home for a few hours of rest to meet again the next day, Christmas Day, my father approached to ask how I was doing and I could clearly see his concern so I tried to be as reassuring as possible but I hadn't the best look at that moment.
Anyway he was the only one I wasn't able to fool in fact he told me we needed to go to see my doctor to have me checked and he also told me he was on shift at the hospital tomorrow so we could go maybe before lunch. He had already planned everything so I couldn't say no even though I would have preferred to wait some more time just to see if the situation went back to normality and also because I didn't want to stress Sarah as she was supposed to be on holiday.
He then kissed me goodnight on the forehead and went upstairs with my mother, also my grandparents waved us goodnight and we were left alone on the sofa in a room that was crowded just a few minutes before.
"What's that?"
"That what?" She asked not understanding.
"That look" I told her just to let her know I wasn't that easy to fool.
"You know your father he looked like he was really worried and he's a doctor so he understands" she said but I didn't get what she wanted to say.
"Yes, and?"
"And... I'm worried about you, I can't do anything when it comes to this and I feel so helpless" she said hugging me really tight on the sofa.
"Believe me when I say that I really do not expect anything, from anyone, not even from you. I know it's hard. For me it's really hard, it's obvious, but I know you struggle to see me getting sick this often. You really can't imagine how guilty I feel when I'm about to faint, or my sight suddenly goes black when you're around and I have to hear your pain and fear when something like that happens but the truth is that I can't do anything when it happens and I can't predict when this will be..." I paused because my voice cracked for what i was about to say, I breathed deeply "So, if you really want to stay, please just be yourself, just be the beautiful, witty Sarah I love because everything is going to be okay. Nevertheless if you decide you can't handle all of this..." she suddenly shushed me "Did I give the impression I wanted to leave you? Oh my God, I will never ever leave you! That doctor better check your brain too because I think something is not working in there if you can only imagine something like that." She said not letting go of me and knocked softly on my head.
"I hope you will never change your mind... let's go to sleep now, I'm tired"
"You slept most of the day actually!"
"I know but it wasn't a properly resting sleep, you know..." I said rubbing my eyes "Anyway none said we can't do something else before sleeping" I suggested artfully.
"Oooh, you're tempting me you know?" She followed me up to our room.
"I know, i know, I'm irresistible" I chuckled leaning in to kiss her, I pushed her body against the door to close it and locked it right after.
We spent the night hugging under the covers, simply cuddling ourselves as we often did when one of us knew the other needed to feel comforted but that night I didn't really understand if I was the one in need of comfort or she was.

Hey everyone, I don't know if you liked this chapter anyway if you don't I fully understand because I don't like this either, I didn't even want to post it and upload something different next week but then I came up with something better that happens next so I decided to keep it. I didn't want to leave the very few ones really following this story hanging just because I didn't know if I liked the chapter or not. It's something to read at least... Love you all and I hope it wasn't too bad 😘🥰