Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

Whatever it takes

"fuck me... why can't i fucking sleep like normal people?" i whispered at my painting staring at me from the wall, somehow relieved by the fact it didn't reply because it meant i wasn't losing my mind just yet, i sat on the sofa a little ungraciously and accidentally spilled some tea all over my pajama "fuck me, fuck me, fuck me... it's hot"
"well... am i stepping on your moment?" i heard someone say behind me and it took me a few seconds to recall the information Eve was staying at our place.
"you fucking scared the living shit out of me" i whispered.
"yeah sorry, just realized that maybe speaking behind people's back in the middle of the night when they're not expecting it is a little dangerous"
"i almost threw the tea at you... and trust me, it is hot"
"oh so that's what was hot" she chuckled.
"yeah, seriously though why are you up?"
"i was just thinking about what you told me..."
"what about it?" i asked not really grasping the reason why she would give a fuck about what i told her.
"just the whole thing... kinda gave me the bigger picture..." she half smiled "you know we didn't talk a lot..." she went on and i supposed she was talking about her mother.
"yeah..."
"but when we talked she always talked about these students of hers... you in particular" she said "i basically already knew you when i first met you and i already hated you... she kinda fueled my hate every time she talked about you and to top that she even got from me any power over the decisions on her health..." she said.
"we don't have to talk about it, it's in the past" i said because reiterating that conversation was exhausting and i needed some time to not feel like shit and not constantly having to worry about others.
"if it's in the past why are we awake in the middle of the night?" she asked.
"i think i'm developing insomnia what's your excuse?" i said.
"i don't know" she shrugged.
"fine sometimes i just can't sleep and if i stay in bed i get nervous so i usually get up and enjoy not having to worry about anything or anyone because any problem was either yesterday or will be my problem tomorrow, in this span of time i have nothing to worry about" i said.
"i can't imagine how it is with this whole situation and in your position, just come out of med school and dealing with tons of patients a day..." she sighed "it's messed up"
"yeah" i chuckled because of the simplicity with which she defined the world's situation in two words "it definitely is"
"but hey you have good things too, Vanessa and Sarah... you three are the best thing i've ever seen, individually i had the impression you didn't have anything in common... an intern and an actress with a kid... but seeing you three together reminded me i was wrong to judge so soon"
"you do that a lot, why is that?" i asked, genuinely curious.
"with my job... you have to rely a lot on what your instincts tell you because clients aren't always honest not even with their lawyers and i usually am good... but with you... i just keep messing up" she chuckled.
"you do, don't you?" i said mocking her a little.
"yeah yeah well i'm learning" she said.
"you better be" i said and tried to sound threatening but i couldn't keep myself from giggling.
"you sound like a puppy trying to bark as a grown dog" she said.
"are you saying you like me as much as puppies now?" i asked teasingly.
"yeah, this is a way of seeing it i guess"
"yeah well... we better go back to bed or we won't be able to get up tomorrow" i suggested.
"do we even have to? aren't you still suspended?" she asked.
"yeah... and guess whose fault is that?"
"see it as a well deserved break, plus i'll be out of your hair first thing tomorrow... i've already profited of you enough"
"it's not a problem at all, stay as long as you like and please give me my job back ASAP" I said.
"Got it... goodnight"
"good what's-left-of-the-night" i said heading back to mine and Sarah's bedroom doing as slowly as i could to try to not wake her up.
When i woke up the room was already filled with daylight and i noticed Sarah had already got up so i decided to get up too.
"Hey, good morning, you're up early"
"it's 11 am" she said not even moving her glance from her cup of tea.
"oh wow... i guess i overslept"
"or maybe you shouldn't be up in the middle of the night" she finally looked at me.
"i know... you know sometimes it happens to me and i just can't sleep"
"you could've stayed in bed, even wake me up" she said.
"oh God please tell me this is not going where i think it's going"
"yup... it definitely is"
"babe please..."
"don't 'babe' me" she said avoiding my touch.
"Sarah is this whole thing based off something i actually did or is it just based off the things you're scared of?" I asked.
"if you didn't give me reasons to be scared it'd be better..." she whispered.
"will you just tell me... did i actually do something that brought us to this point because i honestly believe is just Eve and us becoming friends-"
"oh you're becoming friends now then, great" she scoffed.
"yeah, Sarah, friends... like me and B and Peter, the same thing, you're not jealous of them though" i said trying to make her think about what was really going on.
"of course i'm not they don't look at you the way she does..." she said not looking at me again.
"i assure you she doesn't look at me in any specific way, she's just trying to be nice after we started off with a very much wrong foot" i said
"i heard you last night all giggly"
"well if you heard you know nothing happened between us and we even talked about you and Vanessa..."
"nothing happened in that occasion"
"nothing happened or will ever happen Sar... I love you..."
"well you avoided eye contact with me for months after that Holland thing..."
"Because that time something actually had happened!" i said incredulous that she would bring that up "not just because i was scared it might".
She didn't answer so i just got up from the sofa but then i thought i might clarify a few more things seeing we were already there.
"and you know what Sarah? i wasn't even scared something might happen between you and Holland because I trusted you so much and yet something still happened..." i said "while you don't trust me already and nothing has happened.. and i don't know why that is that you don't believe in what i say but i must say i was not expecting it so you might want to think about why that is and then we can talk about it... and please use facts not fantasy" i left her in the living room to go wake Vanessa up.
The day could've started better for sure but I put on a smile and got into Vanessa's room.
"baby... good morning..." i whispered sitting on the edge of her bed.
"morning" she yawned.
"huuh looks like someone just had a really good night of sleep" i giggled.
"i was dreaming" she said slowly opening her eyes.
"was it a good dream?"
"yeah"
"you wanna tell me what you were dreaming? i'd love to hear a nice dream"
"i was on a beach... i don't know why but it was kind of at sunset so the sky was all pink and orange it was very nice, the sand looked like... i don't know, it was kind of shiny..."
"were you alone?"
"no i had the teddy grandma gifted me" she said showing me the teddy on her bedpost she always slept with and basically carried everywhere.
"oh yeah, that is very important, good that you had that with you"
"i was looking for you and Sarah but i couldn't find you"
"well where were we?"
"when i found you you were in the sea, you were just sitting in the water close to the shore" she said "you weren't doing anything just sitting there like you always sit in bed when you're behind her and she leans on your chest and puts her head on your shoulder"
"oh that's nice" i said "looks like we were enjoying our time at the beach but what did we do when you found us?"
"i was scared to get in the water because i don't know how to swim..." she said "so you came to help me and when i told you i was scared you told me you would teach me how to swim but then i woke up so i still don't know how to swim" she said with a hint of disappointment.
"you know what... we will go to the beach when this thing is over and i'll teach you how to swim how's it sound?"
"yeah it's okay but i should already know how to swim, don't i?"
"you were busy with some other things baby and there's always time to learn something new" i smiled.
"then you will teach me how to swim" she said.
"of course, i am the best swimmer ever so you will learn from the best" i said.
"are you really?" she asked curiously.
"of course i am, i used to swim when i was a kid and i continued until i finished high school, i was very fast and i never got tired i could swim for hours" i said laying in bed next to her.
"will i be able to swim for hours when i learn?" she said excitedly.
"of course, we will swim together and we will watch the little fishes in the sea and try to chase them, it's fun"
"i hope we can do that soon" she sighed.
"we will baby, promise" and as i said so she got up from the bed and came to take my hand signaling daydreaming was over and it was time to get into business.
"i'm hungry"
"say less, let's go get you breakfast" i said getting up and heading over to the kitchen but passing on the hallway i saw Sarah and Eve talking and she had her suitcase packed.
"What's going on guys?" i asked casually.
"nothing i was hum... telling Sarah it's time for me to go and i was just waiting for you... to say goodbye" she sounded very uncomfortable.
I asked Vanessa to wait for me and watch tv in the meantime.
"Why are you leaving so early! have breakfast at least, or lunch actually since it's pretty late, you don't need to rush it" i said and Sarah's face modified in disapproval but she didn't say anything,!she just left to join Vanessa on the couch.
"Look i don't think i should stay..." she said betraying the fact Sarah had been telling her something.
"nonsense, why?"
"you know, she is not happy with me being here"
"yeah but she'll have to endure your presence..."
"she thinks something is going on between us, i was shocked to hear that, i mean we just met"
"i know and i told her that, i'm sorry i don't know where this is coming from, she is acting really weird but we're not doing anything wrong and i mean to prove this point so will you please stay and help me out with this?" i asked and i truly meant it even though i had nothing to prove i still wanted to try and reassure her but she needed to understand it was all in her head.
"fine but she doesn't want me here, this is your house, at least let me book an hotel for tonight, i'll still be around but i'll go sleep there so she might feel better about me this way"
"i hate that you have to feel like this i swear i don't know what is going on with her... i have no clue and she doesn't talk to me she just makes irritating and subtle remarks and i have no idea what to do..."
"this is why i'm going to sleep at a hotel tonight... so she can see i mean no harm and she can relax a little"
"i feel terrible but i think you're right" i said.
"well then i'll go book myself a room now" she smiled, she seemed better so i let her go a little less worried.
"come back for dinner would you?" i asked.
"of course..." she smiled and waved me goodbye from the elevator so i waved back and closed the door.
I went back to the kitchen and decided to pause any arguments... i was going to act absolutely normal and wait for her to say something I really was fed up with how she was behaving, I didn't see any reason to do so and mostly important i was so tired of always be the one who wants to reach out and work things out.
"Hi babies! So what's the plan for today?" I said "i'll go first, I propose very unhealthy ice cream and tv binge!" i said.
Vanessa literally jumped on the sofa with her hand up. "yes baby you can talk 'cause apparently Sarah doesn't want to propose anything" i said briefly glancing at her sitting beside Vanessa shielding her with her arms to avoid that she could slip and fall on the floor.
"Can we watch mommy's new movie?!" she asked excitedly and i think i felt my heart slowly sliding into my stomach.
"i don't think this movie is appropriate for you baby girl"
"but why?" she asked and had stopped jumping, enthusiasm already wearing out.
"because mommy plays a character that is a little scary" Sarah explained. Thank good, explain to your daughter the weird stuff you do.
"I am not scared I know it is not real..."
"yeah but it could be upsetting for you... to see me do weird stuff".
For a second i thought i had spoken out loud or she had just read my mind.
"fine we can start watching it and if, at any point, you feel scared or you don't like it you tell us immediately okay?"
"yes, yes" she said setting herself comfortably on the sofa
"well" Sarah sighed "i'll go get the ice cream"
I put a blanket on mine and Vanessa's legs and left space for sarah in case she was going to seat next to which i doubted but i could still hope.
The movie was ready and the ice cream came quite quickly too and surprisingly she did sit next to me... She looked very stiff though as if she was doing so out of habit but she didn't really want to.
I played the movie and encircled Vanessa's shoulder with my arm to bring her closer and she put her head down using my thighs as pillows.
Me and Sarah had secretly already watched the movie because we didn't think she would've been able to watch it without getting nightmares for months so I was free to ignore the movie and just play with Vanessa's still pretty short hair but it was the softest i had ever touched and i could never get enough of it. I curled it around my finger a few times but soon she started asking for a scalp massage like i used to give her when she was still in the hospital because it helped her with headache.
Sarah seemed to be in another dimension as I was pretty sure she wasn't actually watching the movie just kind of staring at something invisible between her and the tv... Halfway through the movie Vanessa fell asleep and i was just mesmerized by how she wasn't scared of anything. I let the movie end before getting her to bed it was just about three o clock and we hadn't even had lunch if not for the ice cream we had been eating while watching the movie. I got up from the sofa and carried Vanessa to her room, while walking i noticed she weighed more than she used to and I smiled at the thought she was doing better and gaining a little weight.
I closed the door and took a mental note to wake her up in an hour or so, just so she wouldn't be up all night. I went back to the living room and Sarah was still there.
I sat back on the sofa still not saying anything and started looking for something else to watch which possibly did not comprehend Sarah because i knew she didn't like to rewatch herself and she only did so for me and Vanessa.
"I'm sorry" she said out of nowhere. I pondered what to do for a second but i didn't want to wait to much so i quickly turned the tv off and turned to face her. I crossed my legs on the sofa and got comfortable for what i sensed was going to be a long talk.
"are you ready to talk?" I asked and she nodded but since she was going to start i thought questions could her to express herself.
"what is going on between us, Sarah?"
"It's just me, you didn't do anything"
"even if it was true that's not what i want... I don't want to be right, I want you, i want your kisses, your hugs I want you to talk to me... I want everything and i don't want that from anyone else"
She looked at me with teary eyes and in that moment I didn't even recognize her, so upset for no reason while she was always smiling.
"Sarah please, talk to me"
"I was wrong, you two are... you're not doing anything, it's just that I am terrified of losing you..."
"You don't have to be because i don't want anyone more than i want you"
"I hear you when you say that but my mind just can't let that thought go..."
"why... tell me honestly if in any occasion you ever doubted me or got the impression i was cheating on you"
"no it's just that the way you two interact got me scared"
"how do we interact? i may haven't noticed since it is something i'm involved in"
"i don't know you act as if you're long time friends and you smile... a lot... i mean i love when you smile but oh my gosh you smiling in that way to her makes me so scared" she said putting one hand on her chest to calm her breathing.
"Sarah listen, I promise you that whatever you saw has been amplified by your fears because it is really not that easy... We do smile a lot at first it was embarrassment then it became a little more truthful because we started creating some kind of bond but it's nowhere near romantic or sexual. I don't want that, I don't need that. I already have what i want" I said looking at her directly in her eyes because i wanted to make sure she was actually listening not just staring.
"I'm sorry, i guess it's just i don't want this to happen again so i try to prevent it and i only make things worse and tensed between us"
"again?"
"it has happened in almost every relationship i've been in... at some point they would just... I don't even know, They got tired I guess and turned to someone else" she said. I felt like shit seeing her so irrationally scared but i wanted to fix that.
"Sarah... I almost died and yet this didn't stop me from loving you... I loved you even when we weren't together, I loved you even before having the chance to meet you..."
"I know... I'm sorry"
"Stop saying that..." I said and hugged her "You need to trust me a little bit more and you will see i only have eyes for you"
"I know you do... that's why i feel like this now... I had never had the slightest doubt about us until she came around and made me insecure about everything"
"Sarah we have a daughter... You two are the most beautiful thing on every and each day of my life, while Eve... You told me yourself, she wanted to take me to court until yesterday, I haven't forgotten that... The fact that i want to move forward and make something good of all the shit that's been going on doesn't mean i want to leave you to be with her... I just want this to end on good terms for doctor Lowen and because after all she is a good person..."
"I'm so stupid..." she said looking away.
"You're not, I understand, really.. I do" I said taking her hand.
"I feel horrible" she sniffled.
"Don't..."
"I can't..."
I pulled her closer and took her in my arms, she was tensed and stiff at the begging but she relaxed quickly enough to make me ask "how about now?" I chuckled.
"I love you"
"well now this is great news... because i love you too" I chuckled "Truly though, I hope you believe me" I said stroking her hair and the her cheeks.
"I do" she said and she kissed me.
I didn't know exactly why but i had never gotten used to her kisses, she made my skin burn but from the inside so it just felt like a tickle, or more a shiver, on the surface but it was mesmerizing how the simplest contact between us could lighten me up from the inside.
I kissed her back stronger and pulled her closer to my body. "I don't want... anything else than this, you" I panted.
She bit on her bottom lip like she always did and as always she managed to drive me crazy. She pushed me down with her own weight until my back was lying on the sofa and she continued kissing me voraciously.
"God, I want you..." she panted.
"I am all yours already" I said teasingly as my hands ran down her sweatshirt to take it off over her head.
"We shouldn't..." she gasped.
"We shouldn't, but..." i said caressing her back lightly almost just with my nails making her shiver "it's been a very emotional day... and you what goes well with emotional?"
"what?" she bit her bottom lip again.
"sex" i said very close to her lips and kissed her again. She didn't seem to have any afterthought after that so I gladly proceeded to get rid of her pants and she did the same with my sweatshirt. I was really invested in having every inch of her body exposed to my touch when the horrific thought of Eve coming up for dinner while we were having sex on the couch while our daughter was asleep in the adjacent room made me break or kiss.
"what?" she said looking at me rather impatiently.
"Please don't freak out..." I begged her.
"what should I-"
"I invited her over for dinner... Eve" I said hoping she wouldn't slap with her ring on "please don't freak out she's leaving New York soon and I just didn't want her to be alone but she's sleeping at the hotel i promise"
"Honey it's fine I really was out of line, it's good that you invited her over for dinner so i can apologize in person." she said.
Apologize?
"Yeah? well I wasn't expecting it but don't... please just act normal and let's pretend that didn't happen" I suggested.
"You're right... better get to cooking then, you have a lot of things to do."
"I do?!" I asked "where's your solidarity?"
"right where my glass of wine is while i look at you"  she said putting her clothes back on and following me to the kitchen.
"well... considering you'd probably poison Eve's plate..." I teased.
"yeah, that's right, i'd better keep my hands off the food"
"I hate you for leaving me with the burden of cooking dinner..." i whined staring at the fridge waiting for some good idea
"isn't it always your burden?"she nudged me with her hip.
"yes but it's hard when i'm out of inspiration..." i said.
"oh... how is that even possible?" she mocked me.
"I was rather distracted by something else" I said looking at her up and down.
"Well... unfortunately we have guests"
"well... how about you wake Vanessa up and I'll get to the cooking... i can't focus when you're around" I said and she half smiled, got down the kitchen counter and walked to Vanessa's room.
I started putting something together for dinner, trying to be as quick as i could when someone knocked at the door and it had to be Eve so i left a few things on the stove and ran to open the door.
"Hi..." she said cautiously.
"it's all figured out... the Sarah emergency is dealt with" i said letting her in.
"oh i'm so glad... i really didn't want to cause you any problems between you two..."
"don't be ridiculous you haven't" i said.
"yeah well i brought a little gift to diffuse the tension" she said handing me two bottles of
wine one of white and one of red.
"that's terrific, Sarah will adore you after this" I said taking the bottle in the kitchen to put the white one in fridge.
"You don't?"
"Oh no, I do definitely love you for making my lady happy" I said "I don't drink... because of the transplant, i can't."
"oh i'm so sorry.."
"no it's totally fine i rather be alive and not drinking than dead so it's not that hard for me" I said lying hoping she wouldn't have noticed that i actually missed alcohol a lot.
"cool, it's a matter of priority after all... but i admire you"
"oh shut up, there's nothing to admire here, i am a mess who's barely managing to stay whole"
"and you say there's nothing to admire, look at me, something happened and i fell apart... you put me back together-"
"Hi!" Sarah said coming back in the kitchen where i was finishing up cooking while chatting with Eve.
"oh hi!" Eve said, clearly embarrassed because her voice sounded higher than usual.
Sarah chuckled lightly... My eyes switched a couple times between the two of them, i wanted to say something to break that awkward silence but nothing smart enough came up to my mind until fortunately Sarah said something.
"I... hum, I wanted to apologize, I kinda lost my mind before... I shouldn't have-"
"everything is fine, no need to say anything, we're okay... I mean i almost ruined your life, that's the least i could expect for you to not trust me" Eve said, Sarah smiled at her looking fairly surprised.
"Okay then... Anyway, I do trust you both and I'm glad you decided to stay and give us another chance..." she said, I was mesmerized by how effortlessly classy she was, most people find it hard to apologize even though they're in the wrong but she was so genuine you could easily tell she was speaking sincerely.
"I'm glad you did the same" Eve said, they smiled at each other awkwardly at first but then Sarah managed to make everyone comfortable as she always did.
"And thanks for the wine" she said hugging the bottle, Eve laughed at the sight of her cuddling a bottle of red wine and somehow i felt way more relaxed too.
"Yeah yeah, you guys can sit, dinner is coming" I said.
"Sarah..." I called before she went out the kitchen following Eve.
"Yeah babe?"
"Could you take the please?" I asked and she came back to take the bottle and eventually left a kiss on my cheek.
"I love you" she said.
"I love you too and... thank you for... you know... you did the right thing" I said. She nodded and smiled at me and went out to bring the wine to the dining table.
I portioned four plates and took the first two out, I came back to take the last two and my phone. I put my phone in my pocket and as soon as I sat down ready to eat it started ringing.
"Gosh I'm sorry... Just a moment, I have to take this" I said but seeing the name of the social worker that had managed all the paperwork for Vanessa's adoption on the screen made me quite nervous. I got up and distanced myself a little from the table.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Sylvia right?"
"Yes, it's me"
"good... I'm sorry for bothering you so late but I really need to speak to you and your wife as soon as possible"
I decided not to correct her about the wife thing because I wasn't sure what she wanted to talk to us about.
"Hum... is it urgent... I mean we were about to have dinner at the moment, it seems quite late for today" I said.
"I'm so sorry but you really need to know this and you better find out from me" she said.
"Well... hum... Sarah is rather busy with Vanessa at the moment but you can talk to me I'll tell her everything you say" I said not wanting to worry Sarah and ruin our dinner with whatever she couldn't wait to tell us.
"Vanessa's biological mother contacted the hospital to ask about her daughter and they redirected her to us..." she said.
I felt my heart skip a beat. Her mother?!
"We explained since her and her husband abandoned her in a hospital and left no information about their whereabouts or how to contact them she's been put in foster care and was adopted almost immediately. We haven't disclosed any personal information, of course, you are completely safe and she doesn't know who you are or how to contact you, but she's been here all day and she doesn't seem like she wants to give up so we need to discuss a few more things in person" she said. It all fell on me like freezing cold water in the middle of the coldest winter night I didn't even know what to say, I honestly just wanted to hang up.
"Are you still there?"
"Yes, hum... We can be there first thing in the morning"
"is 8 o'clock okay?"
"yeah.. it's fine"
"Thank you for understanding, have a good night"
"yeah you too, see you tomorrow" I said and hung up. I put my phone in my pocket and took three deep breath trying to decide what to do. I decided to wait until after Vanessa had gone to bed so we'd have had a little more time to talk. I put a smile on my face and walked back to them.
"Honey is everything alright?" Sarah asked.
"Yes" I smiled "just B for a consult... She's really stressed out right now" I said.
"Okay, well you'll be back soon but now let's eat" she said. I nodded and we all started eating. Vanessa seemed renewed by her little beauty sleep because she wouldn't stop talking but she was making everyone laugh and so distracting Sarah from looking at me eating and overthinking but with a mild smile on my face.
I wasn't actually present in the moment... The only thing i could think about was how am I going to tell Sarah, what am I going to tell her... I couldn't hide it from her and I couldn't play the part of the chill one because this meant something, if she meant no harm and was just happy that her child had found someone else who could love her the social worker wouldn't have felt the need to call me at dinner time to inform me. What do i do now?
"Honey are you actually okay? you seem kinda off" Sarah said probably noticing i hadn't said a word since i had got back from the phone call.
"Yeah yeah I'm okay just a little tired... How was dinner?" I asked.
"You'd know it if you had touched yours..." Sarah said and then probably worried of sounding too harsh she added "it was delicious as always babe but you're worrying me"
Eve was looking at me like she knew there was something else i wasn't saying so i had to avert my eyes to return to Sarah.
"i'm not really hungry... and it's always like that, I can't enjoy food when i'm the one who cooks, I don't know what's wrong with me" I chuckled "I see you enjoyed the wine though"
"yeah, I always do" Sarah said with a light chuckle.
"I'd love some too right now" I sighed.
"you could just taste... the tiniest sip" taking another sip from her glass and offering it to me.
"nah i don't need it i was just curious but maybe there's a way..." i said moving forward from my seat closer to her, she understood pretty quickly and leaned forward as well so we kissed and I could taste the wine on her lips.
"oh that's some pretty good wine" I smiled.
"you guys make me wanna have a girlfriend" Eve said making me and Sarah laugh.
"as long as it isn't her go get one!" Sarah said making us both laugh and I noticed Vanessa was looking at me and Sarah and I was reminded of that damned phone call.
"What?" I asked her amused by the look on her face.
"I want to taste the wine too"
"you're still too young for that, but i guess we can do it the same way" Sarah said, she took another sip from her glass and gave Vanessa the lightest and sweetest kiss i had ever seen.
"I... I don't think i like this..." she said after licking her lips and her cheeks became red.
"at least now you know" I said kissing her forehead before standing up to take all their empty plates to take them back to the kitchen.
I put everything in the sink and let the water run for a second. I wanted this to be a goodnight but i wasn't able to focus on anything else... I didn't know anything, if we were going to lose her, if she would've wanted to go back to her mother or if she didn't want to but had to and I wouldn't have been able to help her and part of me was also worried of how this might've affected me and Sarah. I sighed and got back to the dishes "One thing at a time, one thing at a time"
"Do you need a hand with the dishes?" Eve asked and the fact that i never heard her coming made me jump.
"God... why don't your steps make any noise... it's like you're walking on clouds.." I said feeling my heart with one hand on my chest.
"I'm sorry I didn't want to scare you... I just wanted to make sure you're okay, I noticed that too you practically didn't utter a single word all night"
"I'm sorry I don't know what is wrong with me, maybe I'm just tired" i said getting back to the dishes.
"I might not be good at guessing with you but i still know a liar when i see one" she said sitting in front of me.
"great... this will be helpful in your job, i'm sure"
"listen you don't have to tell me but please tell someone else, Sarah, a friend, anyone."
"the phone call... it was a social worker telling me Vanessa's mom came back and that they want to meet with me and Sarah..." I said and I just couldn't hold back tears, I let the plate sink back into the water and grabbed a towel to dry my hands.
"oh my... I'm so sorry... if there's anything i can do please tell me"
"i don't know just yet... I haven't told Sarah yet and we'll have to go talk to them tomorrow I am so scared I can't think of anything else" I cried.
"No, come on, look at me..." she said removing my hands from my face gently "She might be back and all but it's not sure something bad is going to happen, you can't assume the worst you have to be lucid" she said.
"yeah but I... I love her so much I don't want to let
her go and the thought that she could actually want to go back to her tortures me just as much as the possibility she would want to stay with us but was forced to go back with her" I sad.
"No, no judge would ever put a child in an environment where they do not feel safe and loved" she said "believe me if she wants to stay with you she'll stay"
"I don't know what to expect and it drives me crazy" I cried.
"I don't know how you feel but i'll be here for anything you may need, lawyer or just friend, it doesn't matter" she said stroking my arms.
"Thank you, I hope we don't need a lawyer but thank you"
"No problem, but you have to talk to Sarah..." she said as I calmed my breathing.
"Yeah I know..." I said drying my face with the back of my hands.
"Now i'll leave so that you guys can talk" she said "i think i'll be here a few more days because traveling is really difficult at the moment so please call if you need anything or let me know if it all goes well"
"Thank you... god I hope i'll just have to call you for good news..." I said as she picked up her purse
and her coat.
"Talk to Sarah, alright?" she said stroking my arm and smiling comfortingly.
"Yes... of course." She went to say goodbye to Sarah and Vanessa and I waited for her at the door.
"Thank you Eve, for your support"
"it's the least i can do, i hope everything goes for the better..."
"me too, goodnight" I said and closed the door. Every time I was alone fear and uncertainty set upon me.
"mommy!" I heard Vanessa calling so I took another deep breath and walked back to them.
"What's up baby?" I asked.
"Can I watch tv before going to bed, please?" she asked giving me the puppy eyes.
"Aw... I don't know, what does mum think of that?" I said quickly glancing at Sarah.
"She said to ask you"
"Oh... now that's brave isn't it..." I chuckled "fine watch tv, it's still early so you can watch for about an hour and then you go to bed alright?"
"yes! thank you!" she said already with the tv controller in her hands.
"Sarah, love, will you help me out in the kitchen for a second?" I asked Sarah and she followed me.
"We need to talk about something Sarah..." I said anxiously.
"What's wrong? I knew there was something going on with you" she said.
"I know... Hum, about the phone call i received before..."
"yes?"
"yeah, it was the social worker for Vanessa's adoption... she wants to meet with us tomorrow"
"meet with us what... why?" she started getting a little more anxious as she understood something wasn't okay so I moved closer and took both her hands in mine.
"Vanessa's biological mother came back-"
"Oh god... Are they going to..." she couldn't even say it out loud.
"I don't know, I don't know if eventually something like that can happen and we don't know exactly what she wants with us, I think we will find out tomorrow." I said.
"Why didn't you tell me right away..."
"What would've possibly changed?" I asked "I didn't want to spoil the night for everyone plus I didn't want to risk Vanessa hearing because I don't know if or how much we're supposed to tell her"
"Oh god they are never going to let her stay with us when her mother is in the picture again..." Sarah said, her eyes red brimmed with tears.
"No... We don't know that yet... we adopted her legally we are her parents now nobody can take her away from us without a trial... but we don't know yet if that's what she wants to do.."
"Why do you think she came back... to thank us for babysitting her daughter while she was busy doing god knows what?" she said sarcastically.
"Okay... Sarah... please calm down and talk to me, we're not going anywhere if we start panicking." i said.
"Well... you're right, but we don't know anything yet, we can discuss the possibilities but it's not like we can predict what they will tell us" she said.
"We can't but i had to tell you...you're her mom too and I need you for this... I can't go through it alone..." I said, my eyes welled with tears even though i tried to hold them back.
"of course we are going to go through whatever comes our way together, you're strong but you're not on your own, we're a family" She said hugging me as soon as she understood how hard this whole thing was for me too.
I encircled her waist with my hand and she stroked my hair. "We're going to survive this too, whatever it takes, I know we will" she said looking down at me for confirmation.
I nodded "yes... we will" I sniffled, she had tears in her eyes the whole time but she was trying to be strong for me and i appreciated that even though I was also concerned about her.
"What should we do now?" she asked.
I looked at the time and noticed Vanessa's hour of tv was almost over "I say we spend a little time with her, when she goes to sleep we'll talk more if you want to"
"yeah, we can do that" she said wiping away tears from under eyes "but we can't make her understand something's wrong" she continued gently drying tears from my cheeks.
"we're good to go now i think" she said inhaling and exhaling deeply.
"yes just one more second..." I said.
"of course" she said taking my hand in hers and stroking the back of it.
"thank you for not losing it, for not panicking... it means a lot to me that your trying to be strong but i want you to know that you can always talk to me about how to feel if you want to talk, or cry or whatever you feel like because it's important that you know you can always confide in me" I said and she looked at me with the smallest smile but that was just enough to tell me she appreciated it.
"I know that and I do... You've always been the strongest one between us... but we're in this together, we're going to be each other's support" she said and that was all I needed to hear.
"okay..." i said giving a light squeeze to her hand and she gave it back and said "let's go now she's probably wondering what we're up to".
We went back in the living room just to find Vanessa asleep on the couch in front of the tv playing some cartoons she liked a lot.
"look at her" Sarah giggled lightly in order not to wake her up.
"I know, I always sleep like this too" I said looking at her sleeping on her left side with her right leg bent and the left one stretch out, her left arm under her head and the right hand still holding the remote.
"Should we take her to bed?" Sarah asked.
"let's see" I said turning the tv off and she didn't seem to have noticed so it meant she was sleeping deeply "yeah she's sleeping... dreaming actually... look" i said making Sarah notice her eyes moving under her eye lids, that was a sign she was dreaming something.
"come on then..." I said gently picking her up from the sofa "is she taller than this afternoon? is that even possible to notice... I feel like she's taller..."
I said walking as fast as i could without waking her up.
"good, here we are" I whispered laying her on her bed under the covers and Sarah tucked her in.
"mommy..?" Vanessa mumbled but she still looked like she was asleep. After that phone call every time she called me or Sarah that way I felt my heart thumping up in my throat.
"yes baby?" I tried to say.
"that one butterfly fairy is in my dream again" she said.
"oh that's good, then go play with miss butterfly fairy... ask her if she can teach you magic so you'll teach me tomorrow" I said.
"i'll ask" she said before drifting off to sleep again.
"goodnight little one" I said and gave her a light kiss on her forehead trying not to wake her up again. Sarah did the same and indulged a little more caressing her cheek lightly. I waited for her at the door because I just loved to look at them together, it was like having all i had ever dreamed of before my eyes and i could never get enough of that feeling.
Sarah got up from the bed and tiptoed her way out leaving the door open, just a crack.
We stood there in silence just sharing a few glances but we were probably having the same thoughts judging from the look on her face. I put my arm over her shoulder and she held my hand as we walked back to our bedroom.
"however this goes... I love you both and you are the best thing that ever happened to me" she said and now she was the one with tears in her eyes.
"hey.. it makes two of us then... I love you so much"  I said hugging her tight.

A/N: I KNOW! You guys probably hate me by now bc i'm always making them sad but that just felt like a good twist to the story... We just want to see them happy, I want it too, it is just i am so attached to these characters I don't want to leave them! 😅 However i hope you liked this chapter and have overall enjoyed reading this story if you've made it up to this point... Honestly if you still read this you're my idol, really!
Thank you always and forever for all the reads and votes (800 today, yay) and comments, I love when you do take the time to write something because it really makes me happy to know that i'm writing this for someone else other than just for me but it also makes me happy to see you vote the chapters you're reading, makes me aware of how far into the story you are and somehow makes me feel closer to y'all!
I always make these notes too long, ugh.
Bye guys, I hope you liked this chapter, see you on the next!💕