Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

I fucked up, doc

I woke up to my phone buzzing like crazy on the nightstand and I noticed the sun was already up... maybe we had overslept because Sarah was in bed as well. I just needed a second to realize it was the social worker calling... Hopefully just to ask how i was doing.
I grabbed the phone and my robe and went out of the room because i didn't want to wake Sarah up.
"hello?" i said suppressing a yawn.
"hello, Sylvia"
"how can i help you?" i asked vaguely.
"I... needed to talk to you about something, given your condition i didn't feel like asking you to come to my office so i'm at your apartment... can you receive me or it's not a good time. i understand i'm coming unannounced but..."
"you're... hum... no please, don't apologize, come up" i said opening the door.
While i waited for her to come up i tried my best to fix my hair but that was nearly impossible after sex and a good night of sleep so i just resolved into tying them up in a ponytail and adjusting my robe around my body.
"oh hello, there you are. i'm sorry, we weren't really expecting anyone so i didn't have the time to fix this mess"
"no please, i shouldn't have come without telling you first but i just had to talk to you" she said "i see you're already up on your own two feet anyway, that's quite a relief" she said and she really did sound relieved.
"yeah well, i tend to get tired pretty soon so... please, come in" i said inviting her in and leading the way to the living room.
"i'm sorry, i'm just very slow at the moment" i chuckled "that could also be because i haven't had my coffee yet. would you like some? or maybe tea, or water..."
"hum not coffee, thank you i have already had a couple. just a glass of water will be alright" she said.
"make yourself at home, i'll be right back" i said and disappeared in the kitchen. Of course that visit was not a good sign judging from how tensed she looked and how many times she had already apologized. Surely i didn't like the intrusion but it didn't look like she was there to check on Vanessa's wellbeing or anything, I just couldn't figure out what she could've possibly been there for so i figured i would have had to wait and see.
I took my coffee and her glass of water and i carefully headed to the living room.
Fortunately it wasn't too far because the dizziness that clouded my mind that morning could've made me do some disaster.
"here you are" i said putting her glass in front of her on the table and i sat on the chair opposite to her.
"so.." i said taking a sip of coffee "what is it that brought you here?" i asked trying not to pressure her but i really needed to know.
"i hoped Sarah could've been here too" she said "so i could talk to you both..."
"oh... yeah she's... she's asleep actually, we had a very long day yesterday so she was exhausted" i said hopefully that would suffice.
"oh i'm so sorry i wouldn't have wanted to intrude but..."
"stop apologizing... please you're not bothering anyone" i lied, she was bothering me, a lot, mostly because she wouldn't tell me what she was there for and that made me beyond nervous "the thing is we started therapy yesterday and Vanessa did too, so we spent the night talking about it to see what her feelings were about it and it turned out she had many" i chuckled "so we took our time to reassure her and make her feel as comfortable as we possibly could" i said.
"oh my... this is so unprofessional of me... i'm sorry" she apologized, again.
I had no clue why she looked so desperate and that was making me super uncomfortable but i actually felt bad for her more than bothered.
"I think we're past unprofessional by now..." i said since i had been stabbed in her office there was no need for all that protocol anyway.
"yeah but..."
"listen, you look like you're around my age, you're young, we're young, young people make mistakes and anyway i don't even think it's your fault" i said "so whatever it is that you're worried about you can relax, i haven't pressed charges against her i won't do anything against you either, i don't want you to lose your job or anything, i only want to go on" i said hoping i had hit the right spot except her reaction didn't really make it clear because she started crying. Dear Lord.
"hey, i'm sorry, i didn't want to cause this..." i said and refilled her glass since i didn't know what to do and i felt very very uncomfortable.
"i am sorry" she said wiping tears from her eyes with the back of her hands until i offered her a tissue.
oh my god, not another apology.
"you have nothing to be sorry for, everything has gone for the best fortunately" i said, she cried even more though so i was really considering shutting the hell up since i was only making it worse.
"hum... good morning" i heard Sarah saying from behind my back and in a sense i was happy she was awake because i really didn't know what to do anymore.
"Ah, great, good morning honey" i said standing up. I went over to her to give her a kiss on the cheek and i did but it was just an excuse to ask for help.
"please help" i whispered to her ear and she glanced briefly at me to try to understand if i was okay.
"i'll go get you some more tissues okay?" i asked smiling and left the room to go actually get the tissues because she was crying her eyes out but also because i needed to leave the room. I held onto the cold ceramic sink until my knuckles turned white to distract me from the stinging pain that came from my injury but that didn't seem to help a lot.
Well that wasn't exactly a good moment but that was just the timing of everything that happened in my life, it was never the right moment.
I grabbed the tissues and turned the light off making my way back to them.
Apparently Sarah had managed to calm her down and i mentally thanked her because i hadn't been able to do so.
I put the tissues on the table and she immediately took some.
"so what i am here for is... hum... Vanessa's mother..." she began and i flinched when i heard that because i thought i wouldn't have to hear about her for a long time.
"wants to go to court for Vanessa's custody" she said and i was about to say something if she hadn't stopped by raising her hand "we're trying to do everything to dissuade her, telling her she won't win and it's not in her best interest but we can't do anything more, we can't risk siding with you over her"
"shouldn't you be the one to know what's good for Vanessa's future?"
"yes but it's not that easy, if the judge asks for our report we can provide a professional opinion, but we can't discourage her from doing anything, we can only mediate between you and her"
"no lawyer would accept to represent her, it's a lost cause" Sarah pointed out "completely unstable, she stabbed a woman after fifteen minutes in a room with her, she does drugs, who'd put a child in her hands?"
"that's exactly the point, none thinks she stands a chance but we can't underestimate this, she has never laid a hand on Vanessa, she was never an abusive parent and Vanessa has confirmed it more than once so the episode of violence could be distorted to her advantage"
"advantage? so stabbing people is something you can possibly add to your résumé" i said "well thanks for the information"
I felt Sarah squeezing my hand to tell me to tone it down but sarcasm was my defense.
"no, but it could be twisted to make it look like you caused it" she said "not everyone would believe it but there are people who could so please be prepared for any case... get a good lawyer would be my advice" she said.
"you shouldn't be here telling us this... am i wrong?" Sarah asked.
"no... i shouldn't be here, but i thought i owed you this at least" she said standing up "i'll be leaving you to your considerations... i hope everything will work out for the best though. I can get out on my own, please don't get up" she said and i didn't protest but Sarah went with her anyway.
I started to feel the pain again, since she had started talking I had been numb but once i was left alone it all seemed more real. I let out a low groan since i could hear Sarah was still at the door and I took a few breaths, as deep as i could, but maybe it went too deep because that made my eyes water in pain. My hand immediately rose to the point where my wound was and i pressed on it a little because it was impossible for me to focus on anything else but it went even worse when i touched it and the pain didn't help my dizziness.
"god, what the hell is wrong with me" i said, not to anyone in particular and i wasn't expecting an answer but i actually got one from Sarah.
"hey are you okay?"
"no... not really, but it's nothing serious i think"
"what do you feel?"
"slightly dizzy and this thing stings..." i said trying to ignore the feeling "it has been since this morning"
"come on i'll take you to bed"
"no i don't wanna go to bed, i wanna know what we're going to do with this piece of information we have" i said.
"i don't know... can we actually do something?"
"i have no idea... doctor, remember? not lawyer"
"but you do know a lawyer, that i recall"
"do i have to? i really didn't want to involve her, feels like i'm using her"
"she said you could call her if you needed her, she literally offered... do you think she'd call if she needed medical advice?"
"probably... i don't know"
"you know she would, you just don't want to call her because you feel like you're bothering her but if you're friends why shouldn't you call her when you need her, that's how friendships work"
"oh yeah? thanks for reminding me..."
"why are you acting like this?!"
"shit i'm sorry, it's just it's driving me crazy" i said, my hand still on my wound.
Before she took my hand in hers i hadn't noticed i was burying my nails in my palms.
"come with me, i'll change your medication and we'll see if it feels better okay?" she asked in a soothing tone.
"no i know it makes you uncomfortable, the blood and stitches, it's fine i can do it alone"
"don't be ridiculous i can do it" she said but i remembered pretty well the peculiar shade of grey her complexion had gotten the first time she had watched me do it.
"Sarah if you faint i can't help you right now so i better do it alone" i said.
"you're doing it but i'm staying with you" she said helping me to the bathroom because i really was too weak to make it there on my own.
"were you feeling this bad when you woke up this morning?"
"no i was just a little confused at first because the phone call woke me up and then i felt a little dizzy but i didn't think it was relevant... i have been stabbed a few days ago, i only thought it was normal to feel a little off" i said as not even i could explain how it had escalated so quickly since i had woken up that morning.
"can you please-" i couldn't even finish the sentence that she was already handing me the disinfectant.
"oh thank you." i said pouring a a small amount on the wound but no matter how small it still made me groan in pain and my hands shook so much i had to hold on the bottle firmly to make them stop.
"does it hurt a lot?" Sarah asked.
"no, not so much..." i panted "i was just unprepared"
"do you have to do it again?"
"i should do it it three times..."
"does it get any better after the first time?"
"no, it usually doesn't, sarah please if you're going be sick don't do it in front of me"
"no no i'm not" she said casually tapping her index on her lips as she was about to be sick, she just didn't want to tell me.
I couldn't think about it at that very moment so i just finished changing my medications paying attention not to manifest how painful it actually was.
I exhaled sharply as i finished "i'm done" i said and she offered me her arm to help me stand up from the edge of the bathtub where i was sitting while changing bandages and disinfecting the wound but as i was standing it gave me a pang of pain sharp and unexpected.
"oh shit" i had to lean against the door frame.
"is this even normal? you could walk with almost no help yesterday" Sarah asked trying to keep me up but without hurting me and that was quite a hard task.
"i had taken more painkillers than prescribed" i admitted.
"what, why would you do that?!" Sarah asked incredulously helping to get back in bed even though i didn't want to.
"when you suggested we could've taken a little time for us i already knew it wasn't going to be possible unless i was really stuffed so i took the doses of the second half of the day all at once, it's nothing, i'll probably be okay in a few hours or so when i can take another" i said.
"are you sure?" she asked and i nodded.
"why did you go through so much trouble for sex?"
"well, i wanted to make you happy for once... and don't you think i had missed it too?"
"you always make me happy..." she said and i smiled but i didn't really believe that.
"can you please pass me my phone?" i asked and she did immediately.
"what do you have to do?"
"calling Eve?" i said putting the phone to my ear and she smiled since i was doing what she wanted me to do and for once we hadn't had to fight over it before.
"straight to voicemail" i said "she must be busy with work but she's going to call back"
"it's okay we have time now try to rest..." she said.
"will you stay? i don't want to be alone" i asked as i was actually starting to feel my eye lids a little heavier.
"of course, i would never leave you" she said getting to the other side of the the bed and holding my hand under the covers "squeeze if it hurts a lot, okay?" I nodded and that was the last conscious gesture until my phone rang again.
It was surely Eve but the moment my eyes met the bright screen i knew i had a pretty strong headache. I forced myself to answer the call because i knew that was important but i regretted it pretty since that had made me understand i was not only very sensitive to light but also sounds.
"Eve, hi, sorry for bothering you, i had called you but right now i am not really in the best shape so can i please call you back another time?" i barely gave her the time to say yes and very soon after that i hung up and put the phone away. I felt like i had just been stabbed, like it had just happened all over again. Sarah had fallen asleep beside me as well, i had no idea what time it was and i hadn't seen Vanessa all day but i fell asleep in no time again.