Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

Don't cut me out

I was struggling to follow that day's lecture, my mind just won't let me focus on the subject, in fact it had a totally different subject... last night with Sarah, I didn't know how it came, it was unexpected. I thought I was going to lose literally everything that night, including her but then everything came out just right when we finally talked. Not that it had been such an idyllic situation. My life was still in danger, she knew that as well as I did and even though I wanted to spare her this suffering she didn't seem to be considering the idea of leaving me which was clear from the love bites on my clavicle. As a matter of fact she had become even more protective of me, she was still a lot into work but at least she had a little more free time since she had finished filming her scenes for the show.
Before I could realize it everyone stood up to leave the class since the lesson had ended, I forced myself back into reality and saw a blank page on my notebook, I had written down not even a word. B was sitting next to me, but she was focused at least and when she saw my blank page she said "well I think I won't be able to borrow your notes this time... but you can take mine fortunately"
I chuckled and shook my head "I was somewhere else..."
"I know, I can say you and Sarah worked it out" she said but we hadn't talked about that yet so I wondered how she knew "Yeah don't look at me like this, you're not a make-up artist, I can still see them" she said touching the points where Sarah had left her signature. I readjusted my scarf trying to cover that area "We might have been too caught up in the situation..." I said thinking back to last night "not that we were like... saying goodbye(?) but I admit I thought about that being the last time" I confessed but then I shook my head and hid away my face preventing her to see tears had formed in my eyes.
"You know that's not the right attitude... We will be beside you. You will make it through this" she said "I won't let you lose our post-graduation trip, I still need you so don't say stupid things, we'll make it" she continued encircling my shoulders with her arm since she was taller than me.
"Thank you B, I don't know what I would do without you, Peter and Sarah"
"We all love you and we will do anything for you" she said hugging me. I hugged her back tighter than ever, just in case...
"So what's the plan for today?" She asked.
"Uhm... I'm going with Sarah now she said she had a 'surprise' but I know nothing more than that and then going for... you know dialysis in the late afternoon" I said.
"Uhm I'll be working at that time, I'll come to check up on you if you want me to" she offered
"Yes please, I hate to be all alone the whole time, it can get so stressful sometimes..." i said.
"Ok I'll be there, see you later sweetheart, I love you" it was strange hearing that from her, we both weren't the kind that said these things often. However right after B left my phone buzzed, it was Sarah saying she was waiting for me outside so I just smiled to the screen and went out to her.
"Hey" she said biting her lip when I got into the car.
"Hey babe" i said placing a kiss on her cheek.
"I don't remember you being fond of scarfs" she joked.
"Yes maybe next time be more discreet honey" I said not letting her embarrass me.
"Ouch! It always ends even with you, how comes I never win?!" She said complaining like a child.
"Because I like winning as much as you do" I said and she gave me that look like 'who are you?' But yes... I couldn't always let her win right?
"Can you tell me where we're going now?" I asked as I was so curious.
"See if it helps.." she said indicating the backseat with her thumb.
"Uhm... a basket?" I asked, I had something in mind but I wasn't sure "a picnic?"
"Yay!" She looked so happy and proud.
"Did you cook?" I asked with a fake worried face.
"Ah ah sooo funny" she mocked "of course not, I bought everything, you can eat everything don't worry I looked carefully" she assured.
"Thanks babe that's the best thing you could think about" I said kissing her on the side of her neck.
"Hey hey, what did we say about this kind of kisses while I'm driving?" she joked.
"Ok ok I'll wait" I said biting my lips.
When we arrived I understood we were in Central Park, the view was beautiful, we were surrounded by trees, the sun was warm and the sky was of a bright light blue. There were really few people around so it was also quiet and we managed to get a spot with a little more privacy, when we decided it was the right place I helped Sarah settling everything and we finally sat down to eat.
"This is beautiful Sar, the atmosphere, the weather, this food, your company..." I said looking at her. She chuckled with her mouth still full and she was so cute with those swollen cheeks "I love you Sar, thank you for... still being with me" I said.
"I told you I'm not letting you go now that I've found you" she said leaving a small delicate kiss on my lips which I expected to grow into something more but it didn't.
"Oh you weren't so soft last night" I joked.
"Be patient babe" she teased giving me a smirk and I shook my head, just give my poor heart a break.
When we finished our lunch we put everything aside and I laid my head down on her lap she adjusted a little so that I could be comfortable and strarted distractedly playing with my curls. I knew she liked it, to pass her fingers through my curls so I just let her, it was also so relaxing to me.
"Oh babe I could fall asleep" I sighed closing my eyes "everything feels so peaceful... I wonder if heaven looks like this"
I heard her sighing deeply "babe I didn't mean it like you probably think..."
"I want you to think that you'll make it" she said "I need you to fully believe that you can make it through this... because I think attitude will make a little difference too and I can't accept you not even trying"
"Ok ok slow down..." I got up from her lap and cupped her face, she closed her eyes at my touch and a tear escaped her eye "babe it was... I wasn't thinking straight, I'm sorry, I'll do everything I can I promise you" I said and kissed her lips. Her hand slid to the back of my neck holding me still to not break that kiss.
She slowly got on her knees and pushed me back to lay down with her body pushing against mine and in a moment she was on top of me kissing me.
My hands were everywhere on her body, through her hair, on her ass, caressing her body. We were probably on the verge of pushing it too far for a public park when my phone rang making Sarah jump.
"Babe you really need to put this on silent when you're with me..." she said laying on her side beside me. I groaned "I know, there's always someone interrupting us..." I stretched my arm trying to find my phone in my purse. It was the hospital's number so I answered not knowing what this could be about.
Sarah looked at me worried but I gave her a thumbs up so that she could relax, while I was on the phone she hugged me tightly leaving a trail of little kisses on my chest.
"Who was that?" She asked as soon as I closed the call.
"Ali" I said getting up to sit "just to prove this wasn't actually heaven, I guess"
"Already going?" She said packing the things to leave "I can finish here if you've got to go" she offered.
"I really feel bad for leaving you here all alone... but I said I could be there in ten" I said biting my lip.
"Yeah I get it, go, see you tonight after work then.." she said "maybe we could find a little piece of heaven again, if you're not too tired" she chuckled biting her lip. How was it even possible to say no?
"Tired of you? Never" I said leaving a kiss on her lips.
"Go now" she said smiling at me.
"Sure" I said turning around walking in the opposite direction.
I ran in the subway to catch the right train and even though I hadn't ran the marathon I still felt the need to sit down. So that's how it feels? Well at least I can say I've been on both sides. I didn't need to get sick to know that a doctor was what I wanted to be in my life and now I didn't even know if I would've ever graduated. Those were my thoughts along the ride just because I needed to keep Sarah out of my mind... I couldn't think about the hurt and pain I was causing her without crying.
Fortunately the train's door opened interrupting my stream of consciousness and I realized it was my stop. I made my way to the hospital not really paying attention at what was happening in my surroundings...
"Why the hell did you need me to come so early?" I asked Ali.
"Oh hey it's good to see you too sweetheart" she said with a sugary smile but then again she was just doing it to piss me off.
"No Ali really what the hell... I was... busy" I said not really wishing to say I was with Sarah.
"I know little doctor, but sometimes we really need to do some adjustments, it wasn't my will" she said and maybe I had been too harsh but I couldn't help myself, I didn't even know what was going on.
"I'm sorry Ali..." I said "for snapping at you like that, I shouldn't have"
"I understand, really I do, now come let's get started" She said guiding me through the hallways and in a room.
"Sylvia?" I heard B's voice calling for me.
"Oh hey I didn't think you would have been there so early"
"Feels like I live here since you left" she chuckled "Ali I'll take care of her if it's okay with you"
Ali scrolled her head "sure, I have plenty of things to do and I mean this is just about a couple of needles and tubes you can take it right?" She asked as B was a student anyway and she was somehow responsible for her actions.
"Sure" she smiled
"She was the best of our class when we first used a needle on something that was not already dead" they both laughed and then Ali left us.
She took care of everything I needed for the therapy but I was so craving to know how work was going, I missed it so much.
"So how is it work? I miss so much being here"
"You mean without you?" She asked "Boring" she stated. I shook my head and chuckled "I mean... nothing... by the way is Michael still working for professor Lowen?" I asked because I hadn't seen him in a while.
"No... turns out he wasn't so better choice than you and he is nowhere to be found" she said with a confused expression.
"What... what do you mean?" I asked almost as confused as she was.
"I don't know" she said sitting in front of me "and really I don't even care, I never liked him anyway" she said.
"No I mean about me being 'the best choice' did she say something?" I asked and I knew this wasn't the kind of things I should be worrying about in my situation but that was out of my will.
"Sylvia you're un-" she was cut off by the door opening.
"Jess... what are you doing here" I said looking at her, she was one of the patients I used to take care of when working for my teacher.
"Doctor Lowen told me you where here and I asked if I could come to say hi" she said entering the room. B glanced at me and her look said something like 'I told you'. She loved saying that, especially to me and I took it like some kind of healthy competition between us.
"Ok I'll leave you two to talk 'cause I have work to do" she said smiling to Jess and leaving the room.
"Come sit down, everything's fine" I said reassuring her because she looked really embarrassed.
"Doctor Lowen didn't tell me why you stopped working with me, at first I thought you got bored of me trying to hold my shit together..." she spoke. I couldn't believe my teacher let her believe I had left like that, without an explanation.
"No.. I could never get bored, working with you and the others was... actually is... what I love the most. And then, Jess, we were getting along really well and I was proud of your improvements, I'm so sorry I left, but I had no choice" I explained.
"I'm sorry for thinking bad about you but somehow I got convinced by the other assistant, he said he knew you well and that you had left because you started feeling too much pressure" she said.
"What?" I was in awe but obviously I wasn't going to talk about this to her, she was my patient at first, then we were something like friends but it really wasn't appropriate to talk to her about this "ok listen, I don't know why he told you that but you can see it's not how things really are" I let her think and analyze the evidence because if I knew her just a little I knew she only believed out of evidence, and to be honest I appreciated this side "I can't work for now... even though I wanted to doctor Lowen won't let me" I said trying to keep acting like everything was perfectly fine.
"Is it so bad?" This last question hit my wall of smiles and cool talking really hard it almost fell down. I decided not to lie about that, she had been lied to for part of her life and our relationship was based on trust because I never lied to her and she recognized it.
"Yes, it is pretty bad, but I'm doing my best" I said and it was true because I was really trying my best "hey we're not done yet, I'll be back soon. I just need the time to figure this out" I said trying to make her feel better. Why was I always trying to make others feel better anyway?
"I really hope you're right..." I nodded. I hope so too. "Ok I bothered you enough I-"
"Wait! I just remembered... Doctor Lowen once asked me if I could see you occasionally when I came here for my treatment" I said "why you never came? I thought you had asked her"
"None ever told me you had agreed" she simply said.
"Well I had... so my door's open for you whenever you want to come" I clarified.
When she left I was so angry and confused I could've killed someone without a particular reason. I let my head fall on the pillow, I was so tired and sore, I could barely keep my eyes open and that room was too cold. All that shit was really blowing my mind, I just couldn't work things out and the fact I didn't even know what had happened with Jess made me even more nervous.
I hadn't even noticed I had fallen asleep when B woke me up "oh my god you scared the shit out of me Sylvia" she took a really deep breath "I was about to call Ali..."
"B, just please, stop talking" I said in a sleepy voice.
"What do you feel?"
"My head is about to explode" I said shutting my eyes tightly as pangs of pain radiated my skull. She helped me to sit up on the bed and handed me a cup and I drank a few sips.
"You... You're sweating Sylvia.." she said slightly worried and took a thermometer out of her pocket.
"Oh really?" I said touching my forehead "well I think it's just a cold I mean..." I stuttered.
"I'm getting Ali" she said looking at the thermometer and then back at me "don't move"
"Where would I go anyway..." I said resting my head back again on the pillow. I knew it wasn't a cold, it came too fast and unexpected and without any previous symptoms.
"how can you feel bad during my shift, you promised you wouldn't do it" Ali joked entering the room followed by B, but I really wasn't in the mood for jokes.
"Ali..." I just sighed.
"Okay okay, not the right moment I know" she said "well... since you're conscious I'm afraid you'll have to finish your therapy before I can give you something else for that fever."
"I can stay with her, just to make sure.." B said but since I didn't seem to have a say in that decision I just didn't bother talking.
Ali nodded at her and then she left the room.
"I'm not going to leave tonight right?" I asked biting my inner cheek.
"We'll see... but Ali will probably think it's best to watch over you for tonight" she said with a compassionate look in her eyes. Oh hey it has been time since I have seen that look.
I just nodded, Sarah was surely busy working at that time so I decided to wait around the time she should've gone home to tell her... well, to tell her I wasn't going to make it for tonight.
"Sylvia I know what you're doing right now, don't do it" she said shaking me lightly.
"What am I doing B?" I asked and I was a little fed up of people telling me how I should've felt.
"Panicking, overthinking and all the things you shouldn't do" she said.
I felt the blood pounding in my temples and I really didn't want anyone to tell me what to do so I slowly breathed in and out before replying "I don't want to be mean B, but you really cannot understand how I'm feeling so please... just let me do whatever you think I'm doing" I said and I really didn't want to hurt her but she sat down in the armchair beside my bed and she stayed silent staring at me, after a few seconds she nodded and looked away. I knew I probably should've apologized but I was so tired, so aching, my head hurt so bad I just thought it would have been better to talk when I could've had better control over my thoughts and spoken words. I put my phone out and texted Sarah so that she wouldn't find out from someone as it always seemed to happen.
'Baby I'm at the hospital but I think I'll have to stay here for tonight as this is not exactly the best situation. But don't worry too much, I can handle it :) just call me when you're finished working, okay? Okay, I love you, I need you Sar <3'
Apparently her work day had lasted longer than expected because she didn't even reply to the message and since when I had finished my treatment they've done all sort of tests to see if things had got worse.
"I hate peeing in these cups, Ali" I told her with a disgusted face handing her the little jar wrapped up in an envelope.
"I know, don't you think touching it, or analyzing it, is better" she said pointing at me with her index finger.
"Oh I know" I said, but while she was coming again with me to my room I started feeling a sudden shortness of breath which imposed me to stop walking to find the support of the wall to keep me upright.
"Hey... sit down, sit down" she said helping me. I didn't want to but I was shaking for the temperature hadn't lowered yet. She increased the speed of IV release and sat on a chair beside me, I couldn't help but shaking and even though I was doing anything to stop it I still couldn't. My breath was heavy and short and it was painful like some giant animal was sitting right on my chest. I was trying to focus on one thing at a time but then got distracted by someone excitedly talking and asking how one could lose a patient in an hospital, as they approached I realized that the voice was Sarah's. Ali went through to tell her they hadn't really lost me. When she saw me sitting there she came to me sitting on the chair where Ali had been sitting before and hugged me tight. "I'm sorry I didn't see your message, I got so worried" she said.
"It's okay Sar don't worry I know you're busy working, and I'm alive as you can see so no need to worry" I said pulling out a little smile and fortunately I started shaking less evidently.
"You're really burning.." she said as she noticed kissing me on my temple.
"Yeah, I know" I said pointing at the IV "we're already taking care of it" I reassured her.
"Ok, you want me to help you get to your room?" She asked me.
"No Sar I'm okay, you just go home, I'll let you know how I'm doing every now and then. You can't stay, you're too tired, and you have to work tomorrow" I said and I really didn't want her to stay, she didn't deserve to work all day and then sleep on a chair while I'm here.
"There's no way I'm leaving, so if you want to take me on a tour to your room..." she said offering her harm, as at that point it was clear I wasn't standing up because I didn't have the strength to do it. I sighed and took it.
"Please Sar go home and rest, it's not necessary that you stay here, there's Ali and B, and probably more nurses than patients, I'll be fine" I said trying to convince her.
"Just please let the argument drop, I'm not leaving you, that's it" she said.
"Fine..." I said sitting on the bed.
"Hey make a little room for me too, I need to hug you and have you next to me for a moment" she said and as I created a little space for her, even though the bed was small, she snuggled into it and hugged me from my waist resting her head on my chest.
"Honey you okay?" I sighed, having her near was heaven even more because of her warmth I had stopped shaking but I didn't want her to feel like she was probably feeling at that very moment.
"Yeah yeah honey I'm good" she tilted her head to look at me and she smiled but I knew, I knew she wasn't really 'good' from the moment she hugged me in the hallway.
"Honey you can talk to me you know..." I said trying to convince her to open up but also not wanting to force her to do it.
"I know it's just I'm a fool... I'm 44, you're 23 and I'm the one who's scared as hell and just wants to cry while you look all grown up and cool whatever happens.. is it even possible?" She said and her eyes shone with tears.
"I'm scared too, but am I wrong or everyone has been telling me all day that the attitude is key?" I was so confused I didn't know how to feel or act so I just tried acting like everyone told me to but now what?
"No it is, I believe in what I told you but I don't want you to instantly close up into your mind like you use to do when things are not easy and act calm while you're freaking out inside. Because you may fool someone but not me, so please, talk to me, I will understand..."
I just shook my head I had a lump in throat that wouldn't allow a word to come out of my mouth. I avoided her eyes even though I knew hers were desperately searching for mine.
"I knew it... you're doing it again..." she said getting up and sitting on the other side of the bed where she could look at me in the eyes "Snap out of it baby please, this is not good for you, it will just enhance your pain to keep everything you feel bottled up in your heart, please... don't cut me out, don't do it" she begged hugging me again. I didn't know what to do I just lightly caressed her hair trying not to cry or my head would have just exploded from headache.
"Look I won't say I know 100% how you're feeling because it may not be true since we don't know what exactly this is about yet but I know fear, I know that feeling when you're body is just okay but then it turns out it's not okay anymore, I know how it is to just wait wait and pray for things to get better. When I was about your age I experienced something that might not have been so serious but made me feel like you're probably feeling now, so trust me. I understand and I'm here for you okay?" I recalled that fact when she told me and automatically connected it with the scar on her back and there sobs just overcame me and broke out of my mouth, now I really couldn't do anything but cry and hug her tightly.
"It's okay babe... it's okay, I just needed you to know you can always count on me, I'll always be there for you no matter what, if you're not ready today it will be another day but just please don't act like you've got everything in control because you want to protect me" she said trying to catch and wipe any tear from the waterfalls that were my eyes at the moment.
"The truth is... I've always been like this... I keep my feelings for myself when I think they could hurt someone I love and I still do this... it's part of who I am now, I called my grandma to tell her I was going to stay here tonight and she asked if I wanted her to tell my mom about that or not, I said no... I could die tonight but still not wanting to bother them whatever they're up to..." I paused to catch my breath and stop the sobbing "I don't know why I do it, you know my parents have been the best I could've asked for so the blame is not on them, I just don't want to be a burden to anyone, I'll keep going until I really can't do it without help"
"I can't believe you didn't tell your parents" Sarah gasped "Jesus... what were you thinking about? don't you think that maybe they want to be by your side, like I want to?"
"I know in fact I do this for me, it's all selfish, I don't want to see them, or you, suffer, I just can't afford it, it tears me apart..." I said, my sight was all blurry for tears but I could see those glimmering eyes were full of tears too.
"Look I think I kind of understand that, but you are young, you have a wonderful family that loves you, you have me and your friends, we all love you, don't push us away thinking you're doing it for us, we're going to suffer anyway because we love you and we can't just accept you slamming the door at our faces" she said and I understood I promised to myself I would have tried to do what she told me and not cutting them out now that things were getting pretty rough.
"In fact, as a demonstration I am trying to do what you ask, I think I owe an apology to someone..." I said getting up from the bed as I was feeling better enough to think my legs could be trusted. I reached the door to go get B but before exiting I turned around "there's no way I could not find you here when I come back because you're home all comfortable in your bed right?"
"Uhm... nope... I'm going to be right here" she said taking off her shoes trying to get comfortable on that armchair. I shrugged and when i stepped out the door I literally bumped into B and I banged my forehead against her nose "Ouch! I'm sorry I-" she cut herself off "Oh it's you... always punching me on my face..." she sarcastically said.
I looked at Sarah and she was slightly concerned about that last statement as she had just told me my friends loved me like two minutes before. "I don't want to impose if you two need to talk I'm going to get a coffee... or maybe not a coffee because it's not the best time for that, maybe just hot... water" that rumbling when she was embarrassed was something hilarious about her I lived for. I mean she is an actress I thought she could handle it better than that.
"No Sarah it's okay I won't be long anyway I just came to-"
"Can I go first?" I cut her off but just because I really wanted to take that weight off of my chest. She sighed and just signaled me to go on.
"B I'm sorry for being rude to you before, I wasn't thinking straight, I felt bad, my mind was totally fogged up and confused and you were right, as I understood something was wrong I just shut down and locked myself into my mind. I know I shouldn't be doing that but I just do it because I can't stand that worried look you all give me and I can't stand to see you hurting because of me" I explained, while I talked she stood there not making a sound or a move, I thought she even tried not blinking because she was afraid that if she had moved she might have broken the spell. When I was done and I was just waiting for her to speak I saw Sarah behind her was looking at me, her eyes welled up in tears but there was something more. B didn't utter a single word at first but then finally she spoke "We never really had a problem, I had a part of fault in that too... it's just I don't know how to deal with this, it's all new to me" she said and lowered her eyes.
"Oh I'm new to this too" I said, even though I had familiarity with hospitals and pitying looks.
We shared a few looks but then she would look down and I would too because when it came to other human beings other than me I couldn't fucking figure out what they could possibly want me to do but then I decided to do what I myself wanted to do so I stepped forward and hugged her tightly, hopefully she would have hugged me back.
"I love you B, you know I may not tell you that often but you know, don't you?" I asked hoping she would answer positively.
"Yes I do, I love you too" she said tightening the grip around me.
I saw Sarah behind her and I had almost forgotten she was there too but she remained quiet, gave me a wink and I mouthed a 'thank you'. She was really a lifesaver, my lifesaver.
When she broke the hug the look in her eyes wasn't softer though, she looked tensed, worried and also about to puke.
"B.. I know I'm not the one supposed to ask you this but are you feeling alright?" She put herself back together the best she could, flashed a smile and nodded.
"Ok no... I'm not alright..." she paused trying to figure if she could just take those words back.
"I mean... you're scaring me a little, B" I said sitting back on the bed as I had run out of trust to give to my own legs.
"I have already fucked this up..." she said sitting on a chair near Sarah who was now looking confused but not sure if it was appropriate for her to talk yet. After a second B handed me a file, without a doubt it was my file, and it surely contained that something she couldn't deliver to me. "I'm sorry but you have always been better than me in telling this kind of things, I mean I always get emotional..." I glanced at her and Sarah who was trying to comfort her but decided not to reply as I was busy going through that data. I wasn't an expert but I was not dumb either, it just took a quick look to those values to understand.
I handed the file back to her and she took that, still not able to stop sobbing. My hands were trembling but I kept them still, my eyes were welled up with tears but I was determined not to let them fall. Sarah noticed I was too silent, though she was busy comforting B she new the curtain had closed again and I was locking them out again so she left B's side and came to mine.
"Sylvia what was that, what did you see?" raising my chin up to face her "Please Sylvia you're scaring me, baby..."
l lowered my eyes so I didn't have too look at her while throwing the bomb that had just struck me a few seconds before "that's the endgame... they won't work, ever again, the only hope left is kidney transplant but-" I was cut off by my own sobs, how childish, I couldn't even speak.
Sarah was almost paralyzed, she was just looking at me when she took my hand "okay I'm here no matter what will happen, I'm here and I promise you I'm going to do everything that's in my power to get this right" she said squeezing my hand and rubbing my harm trying to comfort me but how could I be comforted...
"What do you think you can do, none can do anything at this time... I think I finally found something interesting to tell my parents now" I said crying even more burying my face in her shoulder, she tried every way to comfort me but panic seemed to be getting in the way of my judgment.
"I'm so t-tired Sarah... I-I'm so tired..." I tried to say between sobs.
"I know baby, I know, I'm here..." she whispered that in my ear patiently until I cried myself to sleep.

Hey hey! I'm posting less often at the moment because I told you I'm like drowning in things to study and I have literally 0 time left for anything else. I'm trying my best to post but I only have time late at night so I apologize for any mistake I didn't notice and anyway I hope you like it because I'm really putting an effort to keep posting.
I'd like to read your thoughts or anything else you wanna tell me (?) 😂😂 love youuu♥️