Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

in my head

"There you are... Good morning, gorgeous" Sarah said finding me on the terrace as i was enjoying the sun and trying to write vows.
"Good morning babe" i said looking up at her forcing a smile even though i was very disappointed in what i had come up with up to that point.
"what's wrong, why were you not in bed with me?" she said sitting next to me.
"i wanted to write wedding vows but my brain seems to not wanna do its job today" I said bitterly.
"oh no, you're just tired, we had a long night" she said leaning in and i felt her smile against my skin before she left a little peck on my lips.
"right, or i just can't write anything... it's just when i think about you.. my brain freezes and stops working because the love i have for you is so big and i can't think about anything else other than how much i love you and how lucky i feel to have you by my side-" she shut me up covering my mouth with her hand.
"babe..." she chuckled "slow down, you have time, you will come up with something it's fine" she said.
"see... god, you're so cute, loving, caring and jesus that raspy morning voice is so damn hot i don't even know how to not-" she cut me off again with a kiss harder this time because she slightly lost her balance towards me and of course i grabbed her by the waist and pulled her closer.
She straddled me and suddenly i was under her "God, I..." i lost track of what i was going to say when she started kissing on my neck.
"what?" she asked, her lips still not leaving my skin.
"D-did you talk to Leslie, when do we have to pick up Vanessa?" i asked and she paused to look at me with a mischievous grin.
"we have time..." she said.
"say no more" i said getting up and taking her with me as she was already on top of me and she giggled while i carried her to the bedroom.
"god i have no idea how you do this every time, by looking at you you wouldn't tell how strong your arms actually are" she said as i laid her down on the bed.
"this is desire... it makes me stronger" i said kissing her and slowly pushing her down until i was on top of her.
We kissed for a while but as tension was building up i started feeling a sense of constraint at my chest gradually extending to my throat. "babe, can we stop?" i said as i broke the kiss.
"of course, what's wrong?" she asked sitting upright on the bed.
"i don't know... i feel... i think i need some air" i panted getting off the bed but my feet crossed and i fell on the floor.
Once the room started spiraling around before my eyes i realized what was actually going on.
"babe, are you okay, what's up" Sarah said.
"i'm-i'm having a panic attack" i said and as i was already on the floor and everything was spinning i laid down and closed my eyes and just focused on breathing.
"okay, maybe you shouldn't..." she said and she was right because as soon as i closed my eyes the dark started spinning too so i reopened them quickly but i couldn't count things as i always did and it made me panic even more because that was the only method i knew.
"okay listen... 1 bed, 2 doors, 2 windows, 3 paintings..."
She was counting for me because she realized i couldn't and as she did she rubbed slow circles on my chest which was very soothing and helped me focus and calm my breathing.
She started over another time counting stuff but i stopped her midway as i was feeling better.
"it's fine you can stop babysitting me now, i'm so sorry Sarah"
"No, I was so scared... Why did this happen, we were just-"
"making out, i know" i said "exactly that, i couldn't stop thinking about how much time you're wasting with me, a mess of a person who can't even write wedding vows, and i was just scared you were going to realize soon what a waste of space i actually am and you're going to regret this and resent me for trapping you in this-" i started ranting.
"please stop or i'm going to have the next panic attack if you keep this going" she said.
"i'm sorry" i whispered.
"i love you ok? you did not trap me, all i did i did it because i wanted to, i wanted you, i still want you and i will always want you and, the thing i think you need to hear the most, i love our daughter with all my heart. That is a love i could've never imagined i could feel..." she stated.
"i'm sorry, i hear you, i'll try to do better..."
"oh darling..." she said.
"i'm so stupid i know" i said covering my face with the palm of my hand "i mean you're so perfect and smart and i don't know how i even thought i could somehow trick you into being with me..."
"babe, babe... you're doing it again... why is this- i don't understand where all of this is coming from"
"sorry.."i sighed "i guess now the possibility of marriage is very real i... i'm nervous because i don't think i'm good enough"
"good enough for marriage?" she asked like she didn't understand but she was clearly just acting stupid.
"for you" i said.
"babe... we won't be doing anything much differently... And yeah okay, we're not perfect, sometimes we argue but we always figure it out, we both have our issues but we try to help each other. As long as we talk and we support each other even when it's hard and we feel like quitting we just have to hold each other a little tighter and choose to stay because we know the good parts are worth going through some rough times and we've had some hard times... so marriage is nothing we can't do" she said. Her words were comforting but i was still scared to the bone and I didn't even know why... Commitment was never a problem to me i mean i had gone through with things many of my peers couldn't so why was this so terrifying.
"i don't even know why i feel like this, but this terror..." my voice broke mid sentence and she noticed she pulled me in her arms, both still sitting on the floor.
"i love you" she whispered like she was telling me a secret "we've gone through so much, it's alright, we'll go slow, i'll take care of you..." she said rubbing my cheeks with her thumbs as her hands cupped my face.
She was calm, a soothing look in her eyes allowing me to be vulnerable because she was taking on the strong one duty for me.
I felt relieved, like i could breathe, for a while until i realized the real reason why i was feeling so tensed and on the edge of losing control again, marriage was only a part of it. The thought of going back to work once we left LA and finding Michael still there had been a constant struggle to keep in the back of my mind, more days passed the harder it was to not think about it.
"i'm scared of going back to work while he is still there" i confessed.
"my love..." she held me tighter as she realized why i was crazier than usual.
"he's like a disease you think you got rid of it, that you're safe, you start breathing, looking forward to living your life fully again and then there he is back with something new... I feel haunted, i'm so tired of this" i cried.
"what can i do... please tell me if i can do something for you i'll do it, anything, i want to make you feel okay, safe, happy... i hate to see you like this" Sarah sighed.
"i'm sorry..." i said suppressing sobs with my hands.
"don't be sorry... let it out, i'm here, i can take it... we have time, let it out" she said and i decided to trust her, i decided she could be strong enough for the both of us.
We stayed like that, on the floor, me between her legs, head laying on her chest as i wished i could cry the pain out. I can't say how long exactly we stayed there but once i ran out of tears to cry my breathing became slower, fists unclenched but she still held me, rubbed my arm and shoulder.
After a few more minutes she spoke "come on, let's get you off the floor..." she said basically lifting me up from where she was sitting behind me.
"why don't we get back in bed? a few more hours of sleep could help, we barely slept last night anyway" she suggested and i nodded.
"are you going to stay in bed with me?" i asked.
"if you want me to, of course" she said. I nodded "can i... hum, can i be the little spoon?" i asked and i don't know why i felt a wave of embarrassment rushing to my
face.
"of course, darling" she smiled, lifted the covers up for me "come on, big spoon waiting for her little spoon" she said.
She intertwined her fingers with mine and hugged my waist as she softly kissed the back of my head. She took a big breath inhaling probably just the scent of my shampoo and gave a light squeeze to my hands before saying "i love you"
"i love you" i said right away and in seconds my eyes, already sore from crying, started feeling heavier until i fell asleep.
"i don't know what happened... she tried to explain what was going on... but she wasn't making much sense" a voice, which my still sleepy senses perceived as Sarah's, said outside the bedroom's door that was not completely shut.
"but what did she say" another voice that
i didn't recognize right away said.
"something about not being good enough for me... i don't know i was just so worried i don't even know what she told me right now" Sarah whispered.
"oh my god you're not calling it off, are you?"
there was silence from Sarah "oh my god you are...?!"
"Guys... i'm awake" i tried to let them know their conversation wasn't private anymore.
"shit" she whispered "sorry babe..." Sarah said opening the door completely "Leslie came to drop Vanessa off here since i didn't wanna leave you alone"
"Sarah... i'm okay... It was just... i was just overreacting... Hello Leslie, by the way, thanks for dropping Vanessa off" i said as they came into the room.
"oh nevermind that, i'm glad to help when i can" she said "i'm going to go check if Goldie's ready to go..." she said leaving me and Sarah alone.
There was an awkward silence for a little while until i said "are you going to say something or am I?" i asked "okay nevermind, i'll go... calling it off? do you want that?" i asked almost holding my breath for the answer.
"No... absolutely not, I want to be married to you but i don't want it to be so stressful for you, maybe you need more time, i don't know, i wish i could help.." she whined.
"mommy?!" Vanessa peeked from the door before i could even process what to reply.
"hello, my love, come give mommy a hug" i said holding my arms out to her.
"i missed you" she hugged me "both of you" she said calling Sarah into the hug and she didn't hesitate.
"we missed you too baby girl... but did you have fun?" Sarah asked.
"yeah" she smiled "we read scary stories and i wasn't scared" she whispered mischievously.
"you were never scared?" i asked.
"mmh i mean maybe a little while we were reading but then i thought i had nothing to be scared of because all the people i love are okay and so i fell asleep thinking about that" she said.
"you are incredible baby girl" Sarah said gently stroking her cheek.
"you are growing up so fast... do you remember when we watched mommy's movie and then you looked at her weirdly for a couple of days" i chuckled but my eyes teared up "my baby is growing up"
"i guess that was only scarier because it was me, i was Diane" Sarah said.
"yeah i think mommy's right" Vanessa said.
"of course, but you're so brave anyway" i said.
"oh god i can't believe i just forgot about Leslie" Sarah said leaving the room.
"okay baby girl why don't we go with mommy so you can say bye to them since we're going back home tomorrow"
"do we have to?" she asked.
"don't you wanna say goodbye?"
"i mean do we have to go back there?"
"well you know i work there... why... don't you wanna go home?" i said
"weren't we happier here? i mean all of us not just me" she asked.
"we were on vacation for a weekend honey, we never even talked about living here"
"i know but can't we talk about it?" she wouldn't leave it so i had to find a compromise, common ground to settle on momentarily, so that me and Sarah could talk about this too.
I sighed "okay, listen, we can talk about it but we can't make this decision now. I know you understand a lot of grownups things so you know i can't just leave my job and move to another place" i tried to explain "so we're gonna be home tomorrow and we will discuss this possibility while we're there okay?"
"do you promise we will talk about it?"
"have i ever let you down?" i said with a hint of a smile.
"mmh no" she said smiling back.
"so we will talk about it, i promise"
"okay" she said and she followed me outside the room.
Leslie and Sarah were just talking so Vanessa decided to make the best of the time she had left with her new friend and i could do nothing but join Sarah and Leslie outside on the porch.
"hello gorgeous, how are you?" Leslie asked.
"oh, sorry i didn't wanna interrupt, i'm okay..."
"interrupt? nonsense, you could never interrupt anything. We were just chatting" she sipped the tea from her cup.
"do you want a cup of tea babe?" Sarah offered.
"oh yeah, i'll go fetch it myself, stay" I said.
"no need, i've got it" she said handing me a mug.
"oh thanks... that's coffee though" i said
"i just know how you don't really like tea..." she said with a shrug.
I smiled lightly and of course i was hit by a wave of guilt because i felt so undeserving of any act of kindness she did towards me.
"thank you babe" i said sitting down close to her.
"so how are you feeling about going back?" Leslie asked, i was surprised because that was quite personal but i guessed she was important to Sarah and obviously they had been talking.
"uhm... it's good to go back to work but things are kinda complicated at the moment and that makes me a whole lot more anxious than usual" i said as sincerely as i could without going in too deep.
"have you guys ever considered moving here? I mean Sarah is already here for work most of the time anyway, wouldn't it be more convenient if you were all here?"
"I- huh- We never really talked about that, you know i got a residency to finish and my grandparents..."
"oh of course i forgot you have family there because i mean if it was for the residency, there are hospitals here too and with your record any residency program would want to have you" Leslie said.
"oh, i don't know about that, i feel like i have been a patient more than i have been an actual doctor" I chuckled.
"girl, you survived a public health crisis of this proportion and you're still here, still willing to do the job and put in the effort... i'm sure you know how many burned out and quit" she said.
"I know... well, oddly enough i would've brought it up anyway 'cause that's the same thing Vanessa just told me, why don't we move here, she asked."
"she asked you that?" Sarah asked.
"yep, she thinks we've all been happier the time we've been here however short and she feels like we should consider it" i sighed.
"well, we're going to need to talk about this too" Sarah said.
"yeah, we should really talk about it and with her too because i promised we would" i said.
"good then i think it's time for us to leave" Leslie said putting her cup back on the tea table.
"don't you want to stay for lunch maybe? i could make something for all of us" I offered.
"oh thank you so much i have heard loads about how good you are in the kitchen from this one" she pointed at Sarah "but you have a lot of family things to discuss and i don't want you to leave here not being okay with each other because i'd feel terribly guilty about it" she said with an incredibly unfiltered honesty and i liked it.
"well, okay then, i hope to see you again soon" I said and greeted her goodbye as Sarah went to call Vanessa and Goldie. They said goodbye too and Vanessa was really mature for her age as always because she didn't protest or cry like any other kid, she was patiently waiting for me to fulfill my promise.
We waved goodbye back at them while they turned the car around and left.
Things were awkward, there was this thin curtain of embarrassment between me and Sarah, none of us really knew what to say or do so i thought i'd just think about it while cooking, because that's when i think better, so i went to the kitchen while Sarah was enjoying a little more details about Goldie and Vanessa's night.
I was anxious, still, as it showed from the slight shake in my hand as i sliced tomatoes.
I didn't know what to do, moving seemed great because the Michael thing would certainly be more bearable, since there would be miles and miles separating us from him. But also I knew in my heart that that was going to be a temporary thing, if he wasn't going to die he was going back to prison anyway and I really liked New York for a lot of reasons, B, Peter, my grandparents, even Eve, as oddly as our friendship started... They had all been precious for us throughout everything crazy that we had lived through up to that point... I just wondered if we could've found the same thing in L.A., Leslie, Amanda... they were all great, i just couldn't help but wonder.
"earth calling babe, are you here?" Sarah said.
"what?" i asked because why the hell was she saying that and then i realized she must've been calling me and i didn't respond "sorry... yeah, I was..." i looked down at what i was doing just to check back in reality "..in my head, i guess"
"okay..." she sighed and pulled a stool out from under the kitchen counter and she sat opposite to me "are you gonna talk to me?"
"I... I don't know if i'm ready to move here" I said and as i vocalized it i was already feeling a small part of that anxiety leaving me.
"I know..."
"you... know" needless to say that was not the answer i was expecting.
"yeah... i know you, i know you love the city and you have people you love there. I know you already moved across the globe once for me and left your family and your home to be here with me and i wouldn't ask you to do it again" Sarah said.
I didn't know what to say, it was a huge relief to know that she understood my preoccupations and she didn't want to pressure me but i couldn't find an adequate response that wouldn't make me look stupid or like a crybaby.
"I.. What do you think about it though, honestly... because it's not just about what i want, there's three of us, we're going to have to make it work"
"I don't want anything that you don't want too, i just want to be with you... I don't care if it's here or somewhere else, i don't care if it involves traveling back and forth i'm okay with that. And... hey maybe one day i'll take a plane without talking to the pilot first because i'll be so used to it" she joked.
"okay but... I don't know I feel like everyone is looking at me just waiting for me to break, they try to gently nudge me into the right direction-"
"if this is about Leslie i'm going to have to say it is my fault, i was worried and i talked to her so she was just trying to be a good friend. She suggested we all move here because i had been talking about how worried i was for you with all this Michael being back around business and she thought a change of scenario would be good for you"
"and you thought so too... otherwise we wouldn't be here, right?"
"i thought a weekend could help, but i don't know if it did at all"
"Good God I feel like i'm crazy right now, why... does this thing always happen when there's like 2 seconds of pure bliss and happiness where i think 'oh my God my life has just taken the most beautiful turn' and 2 seconds later i'm having a panic attack on the floor..." i exhaled sharply "i mean, what the fuck"
"I guess it... hum.. I think this is how you heal, I mean there's gonna be good days and bad days babe... periods where it's more chaotic and you feel like you're spinning around and you lost any semblance of control and times when it's going to be okay, you're going to feel centered and focused... and fulfilled"
"yeah but in all this beautiful healing crap... what do you think we should do, do you think it'd be better if we moved?"
"I don't know, I mean I understand so little of all this just as you and I don't know how to answer that. The idea has a logic that's for sure, maybe you'd feel safer with so many miles in between you but is the relief worth missing friends and family, workplace, colleagues... is the ache you're going to feel worth it? i don't know that"
"oh my gosh i feel exhausted... I'm just trying to see a little bit clearer into all this and i can't even help myself,.. i don't even know what would be good for me... perhaps just check myself into an asylum and just stay there.." I said leaning on the counter with my head down between my shoulders.
"okay just breathe and listen, what do you think if we go about this your way, we experiment, we can start by doing more weekends, like all the free weekends that you get you can come here, we can go on walks in the city, by the beach, do fun things and see if you start feeling better, more at home, what do you think?"
"I- this is actually a good idea" i said.
"always that tone of surprise" she said acting offended.
I looked at her sideways "i didn't mean it like that".
She laughed "i know you didn't".
I finished cooking with a much lighter heart after talking to Sarah, no doubt the nervousness of explaining that to Vanessa was still there but after all we weren't saying no categorically, it would've just taken a little more time to make a decision. As the good kid she always was she finally let go but not before we thoroughly explained all of our concerns to her. Talking to her about practical things like applying for a job and grown ups stuff like that i realized how much she really
understood and the truth was there was no limit. She was basically a tiny adult and was a kid like her supposed to know so much about the world and how it works? No wonder some would say she should know even more already but if i thought about myself at her age and i wouldn't have understood more than half of the things we had discussed at the dinner table and i looked at myself as an happy child.
Before being transported away into my own chain of thoughts I remembered to clean up the table, Sarah did the dishes so that i could attend to all the teeth washing and pajamas operations before we were all ready to go to sleep. As we did every time we could me and Sarah tuck Vanessa in and this time i left her and Sarah a little more alone time since i was already feeling guilty about having to separate them the following day.
I was almost late for my first day back at work but i had to bring Vanessa to school and since it was her first day after years adjusting to a classroom with actual people in it and not an online classroom took a while.
"i'm sorry... i'm sorry, i'm not late yet right?" i said entering the doctor's lounge where my locker was.
"huh... three more minutes and you would've been, to be exact" B said looking down on her watch.
"you've never been exact in your life, shut up" i said after pondering for a second, soon her pager was already going off "god this place hasn't changed"
"not one bit..." she sighed answering the call so it would stop beeping "actually there's some news... Peter would you get this for me so i can fill her in?" she asked and he said sure and left after giving her a little peck on the cheek and telling me he was happy i was back. They seemed okay, like they had sorted out their problems and i was relieved by that.
"Okay so, huh, we have interns..." B said.
I was getting changed in my scrubs and i stopped abruptly.
"what do you mean we have interns?! last time i checked we were the interns" i asked.
"i mean there's too many of them... so they've been assigned to us too..." she said.
"oh lord... you know me B.. i'm not a teacher"
"God knows i've been the witness of that but you've got to try" she said handling me a paper sheet.
"i have 6 of them?!" she said.
"girl i have 10.. how about that" she hushed me in heartbeat like that. Six was better than ten, that much i knew.
"great" i sighed "how do i find them? do i even need to find them.. i have no idea" i looked at her desperately.
"they'll find you don't worry... they always do" she said before leaving and it sounded pretty creepy.
"okay..." i sighed and headed down to the ER. On my way I crossed paths with one of my doctors when i was first admitted for kidney failure and he kept going on about how happy he was to see me again and i thought i was never going to escape that conversation.
"i'm sorry doctor Stein, i just wanted to ask..." a black girl interrupted him and i was so grateful.
"do you know a doctor De Luca or such....?" she said to him ignoring me.
"it's me you're looking for..." I said.
"you found her" dr Stein chuckled and left after vigorously shaking my hand.
"doctor De Luca, I'm sorry I didn't know" she said with the most embarrassed, awkward smile i had ever seen which made me chuckle.
"nevermind... let's go, there should be six of you, do you have any idea where the other five could be?" i asked but i couldn't figure why she walked behind me so i slowed my pace but she stayed where she was.
"no ma'am i don't know, i thought i was late and that they'd all be here" she said.
"oh for christ sake don't call me ma'am, i feel so old... and walk beside me so i can see you" i said as we took the last turn to the pitch.
"what should i call you...?" she asked
"doctor DeLuca will be good for now, but you get bonus points for being here on time" I said "what's your name by the way?" i asked.
"Hayworth, Tabitha. Everyone calls me Tabby tho"
"okay doctor Hayworth, pick..." i said.
"pick what?"
"our first patient, of course" i said and i watched all the ER patients on a tablet.
"huh... that one?" she said pointing at one of the beds.
"hm, okay, nothing too exciting, you're playing it safe but as a first day i respect that, let's go."
"Hi... Brian, i'm doctor De Luca, me and doctor Hayworth will be taking care of you today, do you mind telling me a little bit of what happened here?" i told the boy on the bed.
"i was going to school and this son of a bitch almost ran me over, i could've died if my friend hadn't warned me he was basically ignoring a red light"
"were you walking? crossroads..?" i asked to keep him talking.
"i was riding my bike" he said.
"okay..." i said "don't worry Brian, you're in good hands" i reassured him "doctor Hayworth..." i said and i swore i could've seen her jump out of her skin. After all this having interns thing might've been fun.
"what can we say about Brian's femur?"
"it's... broken.." she stuttered.
"yes... that much Brian knows too, what type of fracture do you reckon that is?" i asked.
"it's compound..."
"right... and... what else can we do?"
"it's not too angled... so maybe a reduction before sending it to ortho?"
"do i have to get surgery?" Brian asked me.
"dear... how old are you?"
"16" he said.
"okay, were your parents called?"
"my mom's on her way" he said before asking me again whether he had to get surgery.
"okay, listen, it's likely you'll have a small surgery just to put a few screws in to ensure your femur heals just right but it won't take long and of course you won't feel anything" i explained as i couldn't do anything else "but we really need to talk to your mom because she needs to give permission" i said.
"can you perform a reduction?" i then asked Hayworth.
"i mean... theoretically" she hesitated.
"right... okay, we'll do it together but you talk to his mom when she gets here, i'll be back soon"
"i have to talk to his mother?!" she exclaimed.
"that's what i said, isn't it?"
"but i don't know how... she'll be agitated and preoccupied and i-"
"so you will be calm but firm and reassuring, be the doctor your mother would want to talk to if it was you in that boy's place" i suggested and she nodded "i'll be back".
I hoped she wasn't going to fuck up but she looked like she could handle it so i took a few seconds and approached a nurses' station.
"good morning"
"good morning dr De Luca, glad you're back" the blonde behind the desk said smiling widely.
"thanks... thank you, Abby. Huh, i wanted to check on a patient for dr Welch, she wanted me to have a look at the chart" i stuttered, not a great liar.
"okay, sure, just tell me the name" she said.
"Michael Barclays" i said.
"oh, here it is, she was just looking at it" she said gathering the files and handing them to me.
"thanks Abby" i said as i briefly swiped through the chart to the most recent data trying to memorize all i needed to know and also i gave a quick glance to the number of the room he was is before handing the chart back.
"well, looks like she has everything under control after all" i smiled "i'll talk to her whenever we cross paths, i'll go now, have a good day"
"nurse Abby, please we're so late, we should be with doctor De Luca today do you know who he is?!" a kind of short guy with blonde hair completely drenched because of the rain outside asked, the blonde girl who was with him seemed to be even more confused and short of breath like they had been running there. I smiled at Abby signaling her i'd take care of it.
"she is right here... and who are you?"
"sorry ma'am, i'm Ian Clemont and this is-"
"I think she can say her own name Ian huh?"
"Bianca Grimaldi" the girl said in a whisper.
"oh, italian is it?"
"yes ma'am" she said and i sighed at them calling me ma'am not only because i felt like a hundred years old but also because they should've addressed me as doctor.
"interesting, possiamo ancora diventare amiche" i said testing her and from her smile i understood she could actually speak italian.
"anyway, from now on i'm not ma'am, i am doctor De Luca and then maybe in a while, if you don't fuck up, you could call me Sylvia. Come with me"
"huh, doctor De Luca is it just the two of us with you?" Ian asked.
"no, there should be 6 of you but it's just 3 so far" i said "but now that I met 3 of you i don't know if i could survive another 3" i muttered.
"sorry we can't hear you it's a bit crowded" Bianca said clearly struggling to keep up so i slowed down my pace a little.
"i was just saying dr Hayworth is in the pitch already" i said "we should go rescue her and make sure she didn't kill anyone".
"Hayworth..." I said approaching her while she was talking to a lady which i assumed was our patient's mother "i'll take it from here, okay?" I said and she nodded and stepped back.
I proceeded to explain everything to Brian's mother more thoroughly not leaving anything out but keeping it simple for her to understand everything, she seemed to be calm and nodded at everything i said.
"but does he really need the surgery?"
"we'll know more about that once the orthopedic surgeon gets here but the alternative would be having his whole leg in a cast for quite some time and for hygiene and movement that is not the best option"
"oh... so will there be any advantages in the healing process or..."
"growing bone takes some time ma'am, it is a really complicated process but with the screws there's a better chance to get the fragments realigned more precisely and the bone will grow back exactly as it was before with lesser risk of fracturing it again" i explained.
"oh okay, if that's the case he'll have the surgery" she said "thank you doctor De Luca" she said reading my badge
"i'll let you speak with the surgeon as soon as he gets here, you can wait with your son" i smiled.
"i could've never done that... i don't know how to talk to people like that" Hayworth said walking behind me.
"well... that's the trouble with such a small amount of actual practice you guys had with this pandemic... you essentially stopped seeing the person you only see diseases" i stopped to look at the three of them "you have to feel them"
"what about not getting involved? you can't be a good doctor if you get emotionally invested" Ian said.
"you can't be a good doctor if you don't... you have to imagine what it feels like to be them so that you can say the right things, telling them what they need to know without terrorizing them and without minimizing, you have to predict what they need to know and say it in a way they will accept it" i said.
"the guy just had a broken leg..." he chuckled.
"yeah so i suggest you start practicing in this kind of situation where the parents don't wanna bite your head off yet because if one day you'll have to tell a 16 year old's mom that her son is gone you're going to want to do that in a human way and i'm telling you now you don't want to know what happens if they feel like to you their son's death is just crossing a name off of a list" i said "Hayworth, we're reducing the fracture together, get gloves and come"
"why does she get to do it"
"bonus points for being here on time" I said "and taking me seriously when i speak" i added shooting a quick glance at that Ian guy.
I made sure to guide her in the procedure and put my hands over hers to steady them.
"so you stay like that don't move" i said and turned to the other side of the bed to hold his foot. "okay Brian, this is going to hurt like a lot but i promise it's going to be just like two seconds okay?"
"does she have to do it too?" Brian's mother asked about Tabitha and it was a bit rude but of course she wouldn't want anyone who didn't know what they were doing touching her baby.
"ma'am this is a teaching hospital... I promise it's going to be fine" i said and she nodded reluctantly holding her son's hand.
"well, Hayworth... on my count you're going to push it down at my three okay?" i asked and she nodded.
I counted and on the count she pushed, i pulled on his foot and the bone clicked right back in place and he didn't even say a word because he was biting down on his knuckles.
"you okay pal?" i asked.
He exhaled vigorously and said "it hurt like a son of-" he stopped mid sentence after looking at his mom's face.
"I know, but the worst part is done now" I said. "here's the ortho team i'll let you speak to them for the rest" I pointed at the two coming towards us.
"okay guys rest of the day is going to be pretty boring, everything here seems under control, everyone's feeling oddly good today, so we're just going to split rounds with dr Welch to help her out with her patients you're free to go if you want or you can stay and do some basic stuff with me" i said giving them a choice and i hope Ian especially would take the first option.
"what about your patients...?" he asked.
"i... don't have any yet, i've been away a while" i answered vaguely.
"i'll stay" Tabitha said.
Bianca looked up at Ian waiting for him to reply and that gave me the weirdest vibe... Why in the world would she wait for him to say anything?
"we're out of here, we have much to study..." Ian stated.
"who's we...? what about you Bianca?" I said and asked to her directly.
"i want to stay if that's okay" she said timidly and i wasn't sure if she was asking me or him.
"i'd be glad if you stayed" i replied and she switched from his side to my side.
"good so, we're going to see you tomorrow, unless you changed your mind" i said to him.
"i'm not going to waste more time than strictly necessary" he said "at least i won't fail my exams" he made a snark remark at Bianca.
What the hell is wrong with these kids?
"of course, bye" i said waving at him and he left almost stomping like an unhappy child.
"so what was that?" i asked "do i need to be concerned?"
"no he just doesn't like me being out on my own..." she sighed.
"excuse me?" i asked in disbelief.
"it doesn't matter..." she said.
"okay but if you ever want someone to convince you to tell him to fuck off, i'm the person for the job alright?" i asked "i'm very persuasive"
"yeah... i saw that bit" she said giving me a warm smile as we were walking.
"oh that is 1% of it" i said.
Once we found B we could split the rounds and the rest of the shift went by pretty smoothly, no difficult cases, not too many cases, hadn't it been the fact that most of them were still residuals from the worst phase of the pandemic you would've said it had never happened. Basically it felt like a normal day at work, except for the trainees, and that was a far better result than what i was hoping for as a first day back.
"what are we going to do after rounds?" Hayworth asked.
"hum... you can go get the charts back to doctor Welch i have a pick up from school to do..." i said handing her the charts "of course you're free to go too"
"oh... i didn't realize your shift was already over..." she said.
"really? we did a bunch of stuff today... young fresh meat, i remember being like you"
"yeah... so can we come tomorrow or...?" Bianca asked.
"aren't you supposed to come?" i asked.
"we were told to ask for the teachers approval or we would be moved to someone else's service" Hayworth.
"and you want to be on my service?!"
"you're pretty cool" Bianca half smiled.
"well... i guess i'll see you two tomorrow and maybe some of the others that were supposed to be here today" i said.
"see you tomorrow" the said and turned around to go get the charts back to B.
I headed down to the changing room and got out of my scrubs and into my clothes, took a quick look at my phone and saw a missed call from weird number and a text by Sarah but i was going to be late to pick up Vanessa from school so i thought i'd reply later.
"well how about..." i said rummaging through all the stuff in my purse for the keys but couldn't find them "how about a quick snack and then we can do your homework huh?"
"i can do my homework" Vanessa said a little offended.
"oh okay little miss independent, i'm not gonna insist" i said. I stopped abruptly because i couldn't find my keys so i just groaned and emptied the contents of my bag on the doormat, it took me seconds to realize there were no keys there "this is impossible didn't i lock the door this morning?" i asked.
"maybe you didn't we rushed out because we woke up late and maybe you forgot to lock the door"
"oh my god Sarah's going to kill me i know.." i said and then the door opened and i was left on my knees, contents of my purse scattered around me, Vanessa standing next to me and we both looked at Sarah on the doorframe like we had seen a ghost.
"what- how- why... you are not supposed to be here" i said.
"well... that's not what i was hoping to get but i can't say i wasn't expecting it"
Vanessa just went in ad hugged her while i was trying to get everything back in my bag.
"i'm so glad that you're here" i said joining in the hug.
"first day of work and school.. I couldn't miss it" she said giving me a little peck on the lips. We went inside and got on the sofa, the three of us. Vanessa's first day seemed to have been quite a success even though she had tried to convince me in every way that it wasn't a good idea for her to be around so many people.
She had even made a friend, first day of school she already had a friend! That's how i knew we didn't share genes, no way i could've made a friend the first day but i'm sure that even if she had my shy gene Sarah's extrovert gene would've helped if she had been genetically our child.
"How about you go start your homework and mommy will come check on you in a while?"Sarah asked Vanessa and she nodded "oh yeah... i have a lot of that, i need to hurry" she said as she ran to her room. It was amazing, the energy she had, always running places. I smiled because the sound of her small feet tapping on the floor was still one of my favorite sounds.
"I still can't believe you're really here" i said directing my attention to Sarah and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
"come on i want to know how it was" she said impatiently showing me how much she cared.
"it was... great. I loved being back there, i loved seeing patients again, talking to them and all, also teaming up with B is one of my favorite things about the job honestly... even though we didn't see much of each other because... we have trainees now... students who come to learn the ways we do things-"
"wait... you're teaching other people??"
"yeah like... students who have been assigned to me from the university" i tried to explain better.
"oh my God this is amazing so how was it... did you like it? are they any good or... i wanna know everything" she said pulling her feet up on the sofa and hugging her knees with her arms.
I tried to be as thorough as i could be with the story using every detail that i thought was important and i also mentioned i thought i had a favorite trainee even though as a teacher you shouldn't have a favorite. After a while of asking every possible question about anything that came up to me she fell silent like she'd just remembered something.
"so with the other thing... you know, him.."
"I- I didn't even think about him i was so busy attending to so many things..." i said and it was kinda true, I had thought of him only shortly.
"that's good..." she sighed "you're keeping busy and he'll be gone soon"
"is that why you're here? you were worried i'd lose it?" i asked.
"no... i just don't miss important days for the people i love... i mean school and you going back to work, with more responsibility" she said "i wanted to hear about it from you and not through a phone..."
"i'm sorry, i just really want you to trust me and not be freaked out while you're away..." i said.
"babe, i know you'll keep it cool through anything for Vanessa, I do trust you" she said and kissed me on the forehead.
"okay... thank you.. i'll go help Vanessa with her homework and you can rest a bit before dinner okay?" i said getting up from the sofa but she grabbed my hand.
"oh, no... i can't cook but i can do the homework, you don't have to do everything on your own when i'm here" she said.
"i'm so glad you're here" i said and she smiled.
"i love you" she said connecting our lips in a slow kiss.
"i love you too" i said once we separated again.
"good, i love to hear you say it" she chuckled "now i'm gonna get to homework duty"
"Sarah?" i called as she walked out.
"yeah?" she looked back at me smiling.
"i don't think i'm ready to move" i said and immediately felt the weight lift off my chest.
"i know babe, we'll make it work anyway" she said keeping the smile on for me even though i knew how much it mattered to her and for that i felt a bit guilty.
I got to the kitchen to start arranging something for the three of us but the thought i was letting her down stayed there, in the dark little corner of my mind, all the time together with a number, 210, the number of his room.
"fuck- me. shit. ouch" i managed to whisper and not scream as i almost sliced my finger together with the eggplant.
I put my finger under running water and wrapped it in some paper to stop the bleeding and got back to cooking.
Vanessa came in and sat on the stool right in front of me.
"Hey baby, did you finish your homework?" i asked smiling at her.
"yes mummy didn't even need to help me, i did it all alone" she said.
"really? you're so smart baby girl" i said "where's mom?" i asked.
"she is setting the table, she told me to keep you company before you started thinking too much" Vanessa explained candidly.
"oh yeah... that's what she said" i chuckled "okay i-" I was distracted by my phone ringing in my pocket but i had to wash my hands before picking it up and by that time it had stopped ringing. I went into my recent calls section and saw the same number i had seen before but i didn't have it in my contacts.
"oh nevermind, i'll call back tomorrow, now let's go, dinner is ready babies!!"
"yay" Vanessa said enthusiastically and in a matter of seconds they were both sitting at the table waiting.
"mmh it looks delicious" Sarah said.
"you always say that" i laughed.
"because it always looks delicious and it always actually is!" she chuckled.
"okay fine" i said smiling as i filled their plates up to the top and we started eating.

A/N at this point you guys already know i'm going to give you any excuse but you can trust that until this story is completed i'm going to always update no matter if it takes me months. As per usual thoughts, stars and comments are much appreciated and if you made it here i fucking adore you.