Painting this canvas with the colors of our love

A good parent

I was nervously brushing my teeth while tapping my foot on the floor when Sarah came in the bathroom.
"We're nervous, aren't we?" she said noticing my foot frantically tapping on the floor. At that remark i forced myself to stop.
I finished brushing my teeth so i could reply "i can't help it... i am panicking inside and it needs an outlet or i'd explode"
"i feel that... my stomach can't stop twisting and knotting, I wasn't even able to finish my tea"
"Well..." I sighed making my way out to leave her the bathroom as i had already done everything i had and i only needed to get dressed "however this goes we have each other" i said leaving a peck on her lips.
"of course" she said even though it was clear both of us preferred if nothing bad had to happen.
I left the bathroom to get dressed and as soon as i finished i went to check on Vanessa to see if she needed anything.
"is everything okay?" I asked from right outside her door.
"yeah.. i'm fine, just getting ready" she smiled.
"okay... do you need anything? including if you want me to stop bothering you, you can tell me" i chuckled.
"you don't bother me... ever" she said looking at me "i mean you are a little annoying when you tickle me." that actually managed to make me crack a smile because i knew she hated when i did it but i loved to hear her laughing.
"for real, you never bother me, you're my mom and i love you" she said coming to give me a hug, she always knew when i needed one.
"ok... finish getting ready, now" i said and left the room to allow her to prepare.
Once we managed to get in the car we were almost already late, I was the one who usually drove a little faster but since my hands were shaking a little because i had had too much coffee we agreed Sarah would've been the one to drive.
We played music and talked normally for all the journey like we were about to spend the day somewhere enjoyable even though we all knew all too well what we were going to do.
As usual the moment we arrived Clarissa stood from her chair and went in the social worker's office. It all looked like a film i had already seen, predictable but terrifying anyway.
"Oh great you're here" she said as we entered the room "good, great... everything is arranged and we can start whenever you want to" she said speaking directly to Vanessa as if me and Sarah weren't even there.
Vanessa looked up at me and tightened her grip around my hand. I looked down at her and forced the most sincere smile i could to just give her a little comfort.
"can we go with there at least at the door if we can't go inside" I said and the social worker finally seemed to acknowledge my family.
"yes yes of course, no pressure, she can go in whenever she wants" she smiled "okay so let's go..."
she said walking us up to a closed door at the end of a corridor.
"She's already here... So little girl your mom is behind the door. Whenever you feel ready you can go in and talk to her and whenever you want you can come out and we will be waiting" she said.
Vanessa's grip on my hand tightened again and I understood she was clearly not comfortable because she acted very differently from how she did at home.
"Well that's great, can you give us just a moment?" i asked and the social worker left the corridor to give us privacy.
"What is going on baby?" Sarah asked to Vanessa lowering at her eye level.
"i don't want to do it anymore... i don't know if i can..."
"of course you can" I said "there's nothing in the world that you can't do, do you hear me?"
"you are in control here, you decide when you go in and when you come out and we go home... you decide everything today." Sarah said to help calm her down.
"well you said that i could decide not to do it any time i felt i couldn't do it" Vanessa said.
"is that really what you want? you wanna go?" I asked her.
"I don't know what I want, my heart beats louder than anything else"
"okay..." i said lifting her up slightly to help her sit on my lap, she put her head on my shoulder as she always did and i hugged her "now close your eyes if you want or not if you don't, doesn't matter, then breathe in, hold it, count to three and then let it go" I said and she tried to do as i said. We waited for a while until eventually she felt better.
"it works.." she said.
"yeah? are you feeling better?"
"yes"
"so i'll ask you again, are we walking or are we doing this?" I asked, she looked at door and then at me pondering what to do.
"i'm doing it" she said.
"okay... whenever you want" i said trying not to put pressure on her.
"i can do it, i don't know how i'll feel if i wait" she said.
"okay then go..." i said letting her get down my knees.
"remember that we love you and we're proud of you no matter what" Sarah said.
"i love you too"
"follow your heart baby girl" she said, Vanessa nodded and then she entered the room.
"oh God..." i said blinking tears back.
"i know.." Sarah said holding my hand.
"you can watch them if you want" the social worker said appearing at the end of the corridor.
She showed us a room, adjacent to the one Vanessa and her mother were in.
It was slightly darker than the hallway and it had little furniture, just an old desk on top of which three computer monitors showed different views of the same room.
On the other hand the room they were in was much nicer, it had colored walls, bright paintings on them and one of the walls was half occupied by a giant glass window.
I glanced at the monitors, not sure i actually wanted to watch, and caught sight of Vanessa. She was still standing a few steps away from the door playing with the hem of her sweater.
"She is still nervous..." Sarah said to me.
"yeah but i mean i'd need a moment too"
"do you need anything else? i have to leave you for a while" the social worker said but i really didn't know what to answer so Sarah managed to pull out a "no thank you" and she left.
I didn't want to look, i felt like i was spying on them but the moment my eyes had laid on Vanessa I just couldn't look at anything else.
Sarah seemed to be more focused on me than on what the cameras were showing us.
We couldn't hear what they were saying so i could just guess but what i actually only cared about was that Vanessa was safe and that she wouldn't feel too uncomfortable.
She slowly took a few steps towards the table and chairs at the center of the room. She sat in front of her mother which i hadn't even considered looking at until she moved towards her putting her arms on the table to reach her.
She looked slender from what i caught by the image of the cameras, maybe she was too slim because the shadows on her face made her look slightly unhealthy and of course her long dark brown hair didn't really contribute positively to her look.
She opened her hand on the table offering it to Vanessa, she hesitated but then put her smaller hand on her mother's.
I had to look away, i walked away from the desk, closer to the window trying to escape the darkest part of the room and metaphorically erase the darkness that clouded my mind.
Sarah didn't notice i had moved for a few seconds until eventually she looked my way, she came closer, checked what i was looking at outside the window until she realized i wasn't actually looking at anything.
"Honey..." she said in a low voice touching my arm slightly, it felt like my soul floated back into my body as she touched me and i was back in the present. It disoriented me at first but then i looked at her.
"sorry, I kinda zoned out..."
"yeah... i hadn't seen you do that in a long time.."
"i can't look at that..." i said leaning my back against the wall "i thought not knowing what happened in there was the worst part but now i think i was wrong"
"you don't have to watch if you don't want to" she said.
"i feel... i don't know if it's panic or if i'm actually sick" i said leaning against the wall with my hands on my knees.
"okay, well, sit down first" she grabbed the chair with casters in front of the desk so i could sit and she kneeled down by my side. in that moment i got a deja vu from the time we first met at the hotel.
"how can i help?" she said.
"my purse" I said and she briefly rummaged in it for my insulin pen and handed it to me.
"you were worried about her health but look at what it's doing to you..."
"i'm okay it's just... this much stress makes my blood sugar spike"
"yeah don't give me the science on that... i just know you're not okay"
"i'm fine..."
"your hands are shaking..." she said.
"that's probably the coffee" i said and injected the insulin with the pen "see? easier than breathing"
She shook her head and sighed lightly.
"look this is nothing extraordinary, it's not like it was... This is the first time this happened in a very long time and i swear it's just that.. stress messes me up a little"
She crossed her arms and she was about to say something until her eyes went to the screen behind my back. I didn't have the heart to look so i just kept my eyes on her, her brows were furrowed in a sad expression, she had four fingers on her lips and her thumb under her chin as her eyes slowly brimmed with tears.
"Sarah..."
"it feels like i'm being tortured.." she sobbed. I got up immediately even though it was too soon and my sight clouded for a few seconds but i just had to do something. I couldn't see her crying and not do anything. "it's not physical but it's not less painful"
"I know exactly how it feels" I said and I hugged her rubbing her back. She didn't tell me what she saw that made her burst into tears nor i ever turned to see it for myself.
"Are you okay?" she asked as she realized I was standing.
"yes, i'm good, i told you..."
"god your heart is beating so fast"
"i know, i can't control that but the moment you started crying I just..."
"i know, it happens to me too"
I didn't say anything else and she didn't either we just stayed there hugging each other until she stopped crying.
Before her eyes could go back to the screen i raised her chin up to look at me "don't... look at me instead"
"i am only looking to see if she is safe..."
"she is safe"
"god i hate this feeling... like i can't do anything, i just have to wait for things to happen" she looked at me "it brings me back to when you were sick and i could only watch you being in pain and i couldn't do anything to make it stop"
I felt a lump forming in my throat as I she voiced her feelings.
"except we're not watching" I said and she really tried to focus on me but i saw how much it costed her.
I cupped her face leaning my forehead against hers and she grabbed my wrist and rubbed them as she cried.
"babe... calm down..." i whispered "it's going to be fine, i'm here with you, you have me, forever" i continued hoping it would calm her down but she just held tighter on my wrist as if it were the only thing preventing from being dragged away into some scary imaginary realm.
I kissed her forehead and her cheeks as she was clearly looking for contact i tried to give it to her stroking her cheeks with my thumbs "honey can you look at me?"
"if i open my eyes i'm going to look at that screen, I know, and I can't do that." she said in between sobs.
"okay okay than don't do that, focus on my hands, can you feel my hands on your cheeks?"
She nodded touching my hands with hers.
"okay, that's good..." i gave her another kiss on her cheek "did you feel that too?"
"yes" she chuckled, it looked odd because her cheeks where streaked by tears but that sound was encouraging.
"okay, how about this" i said before leaving a brief kiss on her lips, she kissed me back but as soon as i pulled away she leaned forward and reconnected our lips. It was damp and salty because of her tears but nevertheless amazing as it always felt to kiss her.
Our way of dealing with things had just changed, instead of pushing each other away when something was wrong we held onto each other even tighter. We had experienced being apart and how painful it had been and we both remembered it so, no matter the problem, she came first for me and I came first for her.
"i reckon you feel better" i panted breaking the kiss.
"yes..."
"good... I'll have a look just to check now, you don't look if you can't bear it for now" i warned her and she decided not to look.
I went to the monitors and saw Vanessa on the other side of the table, they were sitting facing each other and she was still holding Vanessa's hands. She seemed to be at ease now even though she kept her distance from her but she had trusted her enough to remove the obstacle of the table between them. My heart ached to the thought things were probably going well for her but i just couldn't be happy about it and no matter how selfish i knew i was being i just couldn't force myself. She meant too much to me to able to accept losing her but i had to think about Sarah too so i took a deep breath and went back to her.
"everything's fine for now" i said "she's doing fine"
"how are you doing?"
"i'm..." my voice shook and it made her hug me and i was grateful for that so i hugged her back.
"i am honestly holding myself together just for you at this point Sarah..."
"it's fine... you don't have to... let go if you feel it's too much, i'll always have your back" she hugged me tighter to let me know she was there.
"I didn't imagine it would be so hard..."
"I did... I just hoped to be wrong..."
Anyway we knew it was one hour so when i glanced at the clock i saw the time was almost up and if possible that made me even more nervous. I felt the strangest feeling like the one who was going to walk out of that room wasn't going to be the same person i knew and loved, like it could be someone else.
"i'm sorry Sarah..." i said faintly.
"for what?" she asked distancing from me and looking in my eyes.
"if i hadn't pulled you into this you wouldn't be suffering this much... i know you did it for
me at first..."
"i did it for you at first but it was my decision, i'm not the kind of person that let's other force her to do things"
"i feel like i'm responsible for this..."
"then don't, you're not, you gave me the best things in my life and i'm forever grateful for you"she said.
"time's almost up" i said pointing at the clock.
"yeah, should we be waiting for her outside?"
"i don't know i'm so scared..."
"of what babe, talk to me"
"i'm afraid that... i mean... she walked in there and she loved us... what if she walks out and she doesn't" i looked at her "i mean i don't know how reuniting with your mother must feel like"
"what... she hated her last night i mean do you think she could've changed her mind to this extent?"
"i am just saying... it is a possibility and i'm fucking scared"
"okay okay let's just live the moment, take my hand we'll wait for her outside, together" she said.
I spent endless minutes staring at the door, even just to see the handle move for whatever reason made my heart race faster and my hand automatically squeezed Sarah's. Fortunately we could sit because i didn't think i would've been able to do all that waiting otherwise.
"calm down... please breathe, it's going to be fine" she tried to calm me down but I honestly was far past the level of panic that could be calmed by that.
I heard the door handle clicking the only second i had closed my eyes.
I focused on that again and tried to appear as normal as i possibly could. Vanessa came out first, she looked around a couple of times until she spotted us, she smiled and walked fast towards us.
"see, i told you" Sarah said seeing her smile and i was really glad that i was wrong.
"Hi baby come here" Sarah said opening her arms and she didn't wast time, she ran into her arms and hugged her and then she came to hug me. I hugged her so tight she had to ask me to loosen up a little.
"i'm sorry baby I was just missing you so much"
"i missed you too" she said.
She was sitting on both our thighs and still had one arm around sarah's neck and one around mine and neither of us could stop giving her kisses.
"okay okay stop, it tickles" she said laughing.
Me and Sarah chuckled and felt honestly relieved for a second until we realized we had to ask her something.
"so..." i began clarifying my voice "so how'd it go, baby girl?" i asked.
"it went... i mean we talked, i got to ask her some things that had been bothering me..."
"that's great, anything else?"
"no i mean she was very... she always smiled but it didn't look like a real smile... i don't know she was different from what i remembered..."
"like her hair was longer and things like that? she's been away for a while so it could be normal"
"no... she didn't look like i remembered her at all, she had the same tattoo on her wrist but everything about her was different" she said giving sense to the fact she couldn't go past the door at first... She didn't even recognize her.
"did she look good at least?"
"not really... no, she looked like... like you after you do the night shifts" she said. That comparison just made me chuckle.
"like she hasn't been sleeping?"
"yeah... or eating... she was very skinny.."
"was she good to you though?" Sarah asked changing the topic as i got too interested in her physical appearance because i had noticed something off from the first look i had given her from the security cameras.
"yes... she tried to explain why she left but it didn't really sound like the truth... i don't know what to think"
The social worker interrupted us shortly after to talk to me and Sarah. Clarissa had come along with her and she asked Vanessa if she wanted to play computer games at her desk, surprisingly enough she actually asked me and Sarah if she could go and we agreed as we had sensed that was just a way to talk to us privately.
"That is a face that brings problems..." Sarah said as she wouldn't start talking and we were both getting nervous again.
"She wants to speak to you... both" the social worker said.
"what could she possibly want to speak to us for?" I asked.
"apparently Vanessa accidentally told her about her moms... plural"
"we can say no though right?" Sarah asked.
"of course"
"well then, hell n-" She said but i had to stop her by touching her knee.
"if you don't want to I can do it alone but i'll talk to her" I said.
"what?"
"why would you go through all the homophobic trouble for her?"
"i... i just want to do it... just to put a face on the woman that has been troubling my sleep" i said.
"i honestly don't think i can talk to her but i'll come with you" Sarah said.
"well take us to her" i said to the social worker.
"okay, yes, of course" she said and she guided us to a room, i noticed it had glass walls and then i saw the sign.
"a smoking lounge?"
"i'm sorry, there's just her, you can keep your distance"
I went because i wasn't really in the mood to discuss the choice. She closed the door behind us.
"it is true then..." she half smiled sucking in the smoke, that smell triggered my past as a smoker, light but still a smoker.
"what is true?"
"plural"
"oh i see, is it an issue for you?" I asked taking a few steps closer but still distant enough.
"well who cares what i think now... she's yours"
"she's nobody's... we don't own her, we are her family and we love her"
"you think having someone else's child walking around leaving tiny little footsteps on your otherwise shining clean floor makes you a family?" i ignored the provocation and went on.
"if that's how you see it why did you make us come here?"
"Shit I wanted to see for myself... how did you get her to call you both moms?" she said implying that we had somehow forced her "i mean because she knows none has two moms, she's had mum and dad too so how-"
"we gave her love, we made her feel cared for and it came spontaneously, whether you believe it or not is not my concern"
"let me guess, you're musicians... she sings" she said clearly mocking us implying that being gay was some extravagant behavior only common among creative people to somehow be alternative.
"Sylvia let's go, it's just a waste of breath" Sarah said trying to grab my arm but i avoided it.
"yeah she sings and i play the banjo" i said.
"now you're talking, so gays have a sense of humor" she laughed and i laughed too.
"you know what these two gays here have?" i said smiling.
"what?"
"your child" i said and the smile completely disappeared from her face.
"why did you come back?"
"she's my daughter"
"wrong, she's my daughter"
"by DNA or by the law?"
"by the fact she calls me mom while she's scared of you"
"she's not scared of me..."
"are you sure?"
"yes she held my hand" she said, her facade of smugness starting to crumble.
"after staying close to the door for ten minutes because she was too scared to move... but you know what she didn't need ten minutes to hug us when she saw us" i said.
"you want to scare me off but i'm not giving her up"
"you left her at a hospital for god's sake! Act like a grown up and take responsibility"
"i had no choice!" she yelled.
"yeah that's what all the ones who made the wrong choice tell themselves"
"Sylvia i'm begging you" Sarah grabbed my arm "I get that you're angry but this is not the way..."
"you better listen to your girlfriend or your mom i mean what is she my age? older?" i tried to ignore this one too even though it took everything in me, but i tried to remember my purpose.
"or what?"
"you don't wanna say the wrong thing..."
"is that a threat?"
"just a friendly advice"
I freed my arm from Sarah's grip, i had a sense i was getting closer to where i wanted to be and i just decided to trust my gut.
"or what? say it..." i said "how far are you willing to go?" i moved closer.
"as far as it will be necessary" she said.
"you don't stand a chance and you know that" i said "none in their right mind will let you take her away from all that we can offer her"
"what could a singer and a banjo player possibly have to offer?"
i chuckled and took a good look at her up and down "it seems to me we did better than you even playing the banjo"
"stupid whimsical little bitch..." she said and faster than anyone could've imagined she pulled a paper knife out of her right pocket. I had very few seconds to think but if my guess was right and right was her dominant hand then i had to go for the left. As we collided the impact being stronger than i had expected we fell on the floor but i had the chance to grab her arm and i pushed as hard as i could on her left elbow socket. She squirmed and whimpered in pain confirming what had been in my mind since the first time i had laid my eyes on her. When she tried to crawl away from me and I let go of her arm i felt a sharp pain at the side of my waist, I looked down and saw the paper knife.
I hadn't even noticed Sarah had left and come back with the social worker just in time to see what had happened. Someone took her away from me as Sarah kneeled beside me on the floor.
"oh my god what did you do... Someone call an ambulance!" she yelled and someone who had been looking at us pulled their phone out to call.
"i wasn't expecting that, Sarah... I only wanted to know if she was a drug addict... She is" i said as she tried to prop my back up on her chest.
"what are you talking about?"
"when i grabbed her arm she squirmed... look for yourselves" I said.
The social worker went over to her, as one of the guys from the security was holding her still she couldn't do much, she propped up her hoodie sleeve to expose her arm and there they were, fresh and clear.
"this is not possible..."
"or is it?" i said louder so that she could hear me from the opposite side of the room.
"her urinalysis tested clean"
"then that was someone else's urine" i panted as i now started to feel the pain as the excitement of the fight was wearing off.
Feeling tricked was the worst kind of feeling so as she realized she had in fact been tricked by a drug addict Ana got in charge of the situation, sent everyone out of the room and ordered the security guy to take Chloe, Vanessa's mother, in a room and lock the door for the moment.
Twinges of pain radiated from where the knife had penetrated my flesh but i knew better than to take it out, I couldn't tell how deep she had gone nor if it had touched any important pieces of my abdominal cavity.
"hold on okay? the ambulance is on its way" Sarah said looking into my eyes caressing my cheek trying not to look at that knife sticking out of my side.
"Sarah... I'm so sorry" I said "i had no idea"
"we'll discuss this later, for now please just stay with me..."
"Sarah listen..." I said and maybe involuntarily moved too much because i felt a sharp, sudden pain "oh shit, aah"
"try to stay still" she said trying her best as well to stay still behind me as i was basically laying on her.
"listen to me... you have to take Vanessa somewhere else before the paramedics arrive"
"don't worry she's safe and watched by security in a room with a computer"
"oh i shouldn't worry right? since you've done a terrific job so far" i panted "where the hell did she get this and how could you not notice?!"
I squeezed my eyes shut to help me deal with the pain.
"I'm afraid that is my fault, she must've taken it from my office"
"See a terrific job, for god's sake"
"Stop, stop talking and stay still" Sarah ordered me and i wasn't really in the position to disobey, moreover i was starting to find it harder to keep my eyes open and from my waist down every part of my body seemed to have been replaced by a piece of lead because it felt super heavy i wasn't able to move any of them.
"Sarah" i tried to resist the urge to close my eyes "please go and take Vanessa somewhere safe"
"she is safe, there is no way i'm leaving you right now please hold on a little more" she said kissing the top of head and my temples but i had to admit that made it even easier to fall asleep.
I blinked and when i opened my eyes again everything was covered in little shiny multicolored spots and people's voices around me seemed so far away like i was looking at them from the bottom of a lake or something.
I made one last effort and took Sarah's hand "listen... i'm about to lose consciousness but you have to do something for me..." i substituted my hand with hers trying to hold the margins as close as possible to slow the bleeding "no please Sylvia hold on, please"
"i think i can't go on more than this" i said as a last resort before allowing my eyes to close.
[Sarah's POV]
Fortunately shortly after Sylvia had blacked out the paramedics arrived. They got her up from the floor and on a stretcher faster than I was able to process.
One of them had probably asked me if i was injured but i shook my head "no no, she's the only one" I said and so they stormed out to get to the hospital in time. I would've gone with them but i couldn't leave Vanessa there.
As i looked at the blood on my hands i felt like throwing up even more if i thought about the fact it was her blood. I stood up and went looking for a toilet. I washed the blood off my hands as fast i could trying to get in control of myself again.
as I entered the room Vanessa was in i plastered the best smile i could on my face and she greeted me happily enough "do we have to go just now? i had just started winning" she said.
"oh i'm sorry baby girl but we have to go, we have something very important to do and we cannot be late" i said.
"where's mommy?" she asked.
"she had to go first, we need to meet somewhere. I'll drop you off at mommy's grandpas and then i'll join her"
Fortunately it didn't take too much for her to actually leave the computer.
"how did mommy go where she needed to go if we only got here in one car today?" she asked and that made my heart race again.
"Blythe picked her up so she could go where she needed to be and I could take care of you and take you to someone who can watch over you while we're out."
We got in the car and fortunately she stopped asking questions making the journey to Sylvia's grandparents way shorter.
I avoided getting inside or they would've probably never let me go and also i couldn't tell them what had happened, not just yet, it would've been too much for me and all of them, mostly Vanessa.
I got back in the car after making sure she had gotten in the house safely and I made my way to the hospital as fast i could but everyone seemed to be getting in my way.
I got slowed down a lot by traffic and traffic lights ironically turning red as i approached them, all of them.
I noticed i had been holding my breath for a while, I took the chance of being stuck at yet another traffic light to breathe and try to give some sense to everything that had happened but of course i didn't have time... As the light turned green i sped up and fortunately it had been the last one before the hospital.
I parked and got in the ER until I found Peter walking towards me and i had the weird feeling it hadn't been the first time i had found myself in that situation and it wasn't, it had happened before, the same night i had met Vanessa and learned that the love of my life was probably going to die.
"Where is she?" I asked as soon as he got close, he was still in one of those suits they used for protection and he motioned for me to wear my mask which i had completely forgot.
"Where is she? Why aren't you with her?"
"because i'm with you! Blythe is with her" he said "what the hell happened, Sarah? she arrived unconscious"
"i know... she... Vanessa's mother... she stabbed her" I said not really being able to explain any more than that because I wasn't thinking straight "please when can i see her?"
"she's still in the trauma room and anyway technically you shouldn't be allowed in the wards" he said suggesting that i couldn't see her at all and that sent me deeper into panic. That could not be happening again.
"No please, you can't do this to me... I remember what happened the last time i left her alone and-"
"come with me" he said and took me out of the ER, he removed all his protective equipment and also my mask.
"listen carefully, this is nothing like last time, do you hear me?" trying to calm me down but i was shaking and it was hard to breathe.
"Peter... I need to see her, I need to know she'll be okay, I can't leave if i don't know how she is..."
"i can update you myself every step of the way..."
"Peter please... I need to be with her" I said and as much as i tried not too I bursted into tears "I had her blood on my hands less than one hour ago" I said and looked for it as it was still on my
hands even though i remembered washing them, I was confused and soon enough I felt my legs heavier and my head spinning so much that if Peter hadn't been there to catch me i would've fallen on the ground but at that point i didn't know what was happening to me. I only felt the urge to let go and no matter how hard i was trying not to there was nothing more i could do.
I woke up to the steady beeping of the machines and to someone pointing an annoying bright light right at my eyes.
"oh, you're awake, welcome back princess" I heard a familiar voice saying and as soon as she stopped pointing that light at my eyes i saw Blythe.
I just had the time to realize and i asked her "Sylvia... how is she? and... what happened to me..."
"she's right here" she said motion to the side of the room where there was another bed "she is going to be okay, but for now she just came out of surgery to remove the paper knife..."
"did she need surgery for that?"
"it was too risky to extract it blindly, we needed to see... but we'll talk about that more when she wakes up"
"what about me?"
"you... you passed out right outside the ER, don't you remember that?"
"I... the last thing i remember is... when the paramedics took her away so... is Vanessa..?"
"she's fine, you left her at Sylvia's grandparents"
I bit my lip trying to recall even one tiny detail that could tell me i had really done that but i was absolutely clueless what had happened after that.
"Sarah do you feel alright?"
"I... yes, i just don't remember anything else after she went away in the ambulance"
"well, I'll schedule you another head CT... it could be just the psychological shock but i want to be 100% sure you're alright"
"another?"
"we had one while you were out of consciousness and it really didn't show anything relevant but it could've been too soon so we'll repeat it, it is just a precaution Sarah"
"okay, just a precaution, of course, grey's anatomy taught us what not doing head CTs leads to" I said and made Blythe laugh while she was looking at Sylvia's chart.
"Welcome back Sarah" she said smiling warmly "now I have other patients but she should wake up any minute..." she informed me and looked for something in her pocket "this is her pager, page me when she wakes up by clicking this" she showed what i should've done.
"okay... i'll do it" i said keeping the pager next to me in bed.
As soon as i was alone with Sylvia in the room i felt how much my head hurt, blood was pumping in my temples and I was just noticing because i had been too focused on how she was to worry about myself.
"I love you babe, wake up... please... wake up, I need to look in your eyes" I whispered laying on my side as close to the edge of the bed as i could so that i could be able to hold her hand.
I intertwined my fingers with hers and I felt her hand faintly squeezing mine, I stopped for a second looking for any kind of sign that she was waking up because she used to do that when she was unconscious or asleep, sometimes she just squeezed it lightly as to let me know she was still there.
"babe wake up, i love you so much" i whispered again and this time i caught the slightest movement in her eyes.
"babe i'm here, follow my voice... come back to me" I said and she finally opened her eyes. I squeezed her hand and she finally looked at me.
"are you... are you okay? what happened?" she asked in a raspy voice as she noticed I was in the hospital gown as well.
"i'm fine... apparently i passed out about an hour or two ago but i don't remember anything after they took you"
"oh my God Sarah i'm so sorry... is Vanessa okay?"
"apparently among the things i don't remember there's the fact i left her with your grandparents.
"who told you that if you didn't remember?"
"Blythe, she was here a while ago" i said and that reminded me to page her so i did.
I was just so relieved she was alive that even my head seemed to hurt less and i had no interest in difficult talks at the moment i just wanted to enjoy the fact she had come back to me again.