DEAREST BABY GIRL [COMPLETED]

Letter #2 - Forgive me

Dearest Baby Girl,

I am still overwhelmed with grief, my dearest baby girl. I know this will never reach you anymore, but I couldn't help myself from replying to your letters. I think this is the only way I can cope with everything. It pained me so much to think I haven't done much to make your life easy. On the contrary, I made it much worse.

Habang sinusulat ko ito, hindi ko maiwasang hindi maluha. Ang dami kasing nasayang na pagkakataon. Kung sana pinursige kong sumama ka talaga sa akin. Sana hindi agad ako sumuko. Sana pinilit pa kita. Sana hindi ako nagtampo. Ang daming sana.

Malaki ang kasalanan ko sa iyo, baby girl. When you rejected my offer to elope with me, it hurt me so badly. Pinagdudahan ko agad ang feelings mo para sa akin. I thought back then that you did not love me that much. Na ako lang ang nagmamahal nang todo at ikaw ay flattered lang na nagustuhan ka ng isang sinasabi mo nga ay Forbes Park boy.

My social status was never a big deal for me then and now. Pero dahil halos lahat ng tao noon sa campus iyan lagi ang pino-point out sa akin as if it was some kind of an achievement, naisip ko rin minsan na baka ganoon din ang tingin mo lalo pa't you always teased me about my being a Forbes Park resident. Kung alam mo lang...

There was a time back then when I wished I was not my parents' son. Na sana hindi na lang ako taga-Forbes. Kasi parang iyon ang naging mitsa ng buhay nating dalawa. My parents had always reminded me then that guys like me need to find girls in our circle. Na hindi pupwedeng makipag-relasyon sa hindi namin kauri. Kaya ganoon na lamang ang pagnanais nilang paghiwalayin tayo. Hindi kasi sila naniniwala sa pag-ibig. Both my parents had their own lover before their parents agreed to have them married. Kapwa nila kinalimutan ang kani-kanilang one, true love to follow what my grandparents wanted them to do. At lagi nilang sinasabi sa akin noon na dahil sumunod sila sa kani-kanilang mga magulang they stayed married a lot longer than their contemporaries who married for love.

I had a feeling then that both my mom and dad were just trying to be civil with one another, and that they were both miserable inside, but they wanted me to believe that they were happy. Kapag pinagpipilitan ko noon ang relasyon nating dalawa, sinasabi nilang matututunan din kitang kalimutan. Nagtangka naman akong h'wag silang sundin, right? I tried to convince you to come elope with me. Iyon ang dahilan. Kasi tingin ko noon kahit ano pa ang maabot mo, the fact that you came from a squatters' area in Tondo, you will never be enough for my parents. Kaya nga, di ba sabi ko sa iyo noon, I was more than willing to give up the life that I was used to? Desidido kasi ako no'n to give our relationship a shot, ano man ang maging consequences no'n. Kaso nga lang, nang tanggihan mo ako naisip kong baka hindi talaga totoo ang nararamdaman mo para sa akin. Pasensya na baby girl kung nagkaroon ako ng duda sa iyo noon. Sino ba naman ang hindi?

After reading a number of your letters, I broke down. Again and again. My heart ached for your presence. I also felt guilty. Hindi pala totoo ang mga naisip ko sa iyo noon. Kung bakit nagpadala ako sa insecurities ko. If I can only turn back the clock...

I miss you so much, baby girl. I cannot sleep at night thinking about what could have been...I love you so much. Please forgive me, my dearest.

Your Big Daddy,

Greg