DEAREST BABY GIRL [COMPLETED]

Letter #47 - Epitaph

Dearest Baby Girl,

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nakayanan kanina ang lahat. Our son, Rick, took me to your grave. The moment I saw your name on the tombstone, I felt like collapsing. Grabe ang pagpipigil kong mag-break down. I was dying inside but I tried my very best to control my emotions. Buti naman at hindi ako nagkalat. We said our prayers together---we recited a rosary for you. Siguro naman nakita mo iyon. You must be proud of your son. He knew how to lead a rosary! Imagine that? Kakaunting kabataan ngayon ang prayerful. Ang mga anak ko kay Lily ay ni hindi nakapag-rosaryo kahit minsan. Lily is a Lutheran. As soon as Luke was born, we made a decision to give the kids freedom to choose their own religion. Ni isa sa kanila ay walang nabinyagan bilang Katoliko. Neither did they pledge their loyalty to their mom's religion. Hindi ko alam if ever pipili sila ng relihiyong gusto nila mula sa relihiyon namin ni Lily though we both brought them to our respective churches from time to time. Kaya kanina ay napaluha ako sa inasal ni Rick. Masakit mang isipin pero tila nakabuti sa bata ang pagkakapadpad niya sa kinagisnan niyang magulang. No offense meant, baby girl. You know what I meant, right?

You asked me in one of your earlier letters if you did the right thing giving Baby Tanglaw up. My answer to that is a resounding YES! I want to let you know that you made the most self-less act ever! Lalo ka tuloy napamahal sa akin. At nainis na naman ako sa sarili ko dahil hindi ko nagawa ang dapat sana ay ginawa ko para sa inyong mag-ina. Napag-usapan din namin ito ni Rick kanina habang nakatunghay sa lapida mo. I voiced out my frustration---my regret over not doing something for the two of you. Alam mo kung ano ang sagot niya? H'wag ko na raw patayin sa sisi ang sarili ko dahil napabuti naman siya. Though he would have loved to be raised by us, his real parents, naiintindihan din daw naman niya ang sitwasyon natin noon. At hindi niya tayo sinisisi. Pinagpasalamat pa niyang binuhay mo siya. He also turned to me and said this while smiling: "Thank you for your impulsivity, Dad." Napangiti na rin ako.

I think you and Rona turned out to be so unlike you and your mother. Siguro pinalaki mo siyang close sa iyo, hindi kagaya ng mama mo na sa bandang huli na lang nagpakita ng pagmamahal sa iyo. In a way, it made me happy na dumating si Damian sa buhay mo. At least naging daan iyon para magkaroon ka ng isang Rona na nagbigay sa iyo ng pagkakataong mabawi mo ang iyong painful childhood memories. Through her, you were able to correct what you didn't experience with your mother. Kaya nga sa tuwing nakikita ko lately ang iyong anak, hindi ko naiiwasang pangiliran ng luha. God is good to us after all. He gave you your princess to lessen your pain which I caused you and then He made me meet her to make me realize what an asshole I was. Haha!

Matapos kaming mag-reminisce ni Rick tungkol sa iyo, he left me by your grave to have a moment with you. No'n ko pa lang nailabas ang kinokontrol kong emosyon lalung-lalo na nang mabasa ko na naman doon ang isang bahagi ng paborito mong tula. Siguro alam mong balang-araw ay mapupuntahan kita roon kung kaya nagpalagay ka ng note na:

Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me but let me go – Baby Girl

Hindi ko alam if Rona knew the note was for me. I heard from Luke she wondered why you wanted to write 'Baby Girl' at the end of your favorite part of the poem. But I think she was able to figure it out now.

Ha! Naninikip pa rin ang dibdib ko sa tuwing naaalala ko ang mga masasayang araw natin noong college. The memorial park Rona chose for your final home in this world looked like our favorite hang-out. It reminded me so much of Sunken Garden. Ilang beses ko ngang pinikit ang mga mata ko hoping I was just having a nightmare. Na pagdilat ko'y makikita ko ang nakangiti mong mukha at tutusukin mo ng hintuturo ang isang bahagi ng pisngi ko at sisigaw ka ng, "Bulaga!". Then, you will laugh at me pretending to be surprised.

Ang dami ko pa sanang gustong sabihin sa iyo, pero kailangan kong maglakad-lakad saglit or else I will drown in my sorrows. Always remember that I love you so much. 'Till we meet again, my love, my baby girll.

Your Big Daddy forever,

Greg