Thoughts and Things

Traumatized

Sex.

The taboo word,

the forbidden fruit.

The act that earns R ratings,

the word that gets snickers from children

and causes some with weaker hearts to faint.

Sex, sex, sex.

I was taught to fear this word,

just like every other girl.

Fear it,

especially if it comes before marriage.

And these false facts, 

they were fed to us-

no, they were shoved down our throats:

"It hurts the first time."

"You must save yourself for your husband."

"Don't show too much skin, girls,

or something horrible could happen."

"You always bleed the first time."

"Condoms almost never work-

the only sure way to avoid pregnancy is abstinence."

"Sex outside of marriage is dangerous."

"You've already committed adultery just by buying a condom, even if you're not married."

"Of course it hurts when your cherry pops-

it tears, it breaks, and it bleeds everywhere."

So what was I supposed to think?

I was still a child,

what was I supposed to do with this new information,

what should I do with all these horror stories?

Sex? Me?

No, never, I'd say.

Then adults would act like I was the strange one,

somehow, I was weird for not wanting to have sex or children.

You told me all these stories,

you make it sound like a crime,

like murder would take place beneath the sheets-

blood, pain, tearing, ripping, breaking, blood-

it is murder, you said, it's murdering my virginity, my innocence-

and then you say, 

"Oh, well, when you're older, you'll feel differently", 

or "You shouldn't be afraid, children are a gift",

or "Don't be scared, sex is a beautiful thing".

You told me it always hurts the first time,

you told me there's always blood.

But somehow, after marriage,

somehow it just... goes away?

After marriage, it's beautiful,

after marriage, there is no pain, no blood.

Make up your minds.

Does it always hurt?

Are we supposed to just push through the pain once we're married,

are we expected to put up with it for our husbands?

Or is it actually a lie?

Were they lying about the pain all along?

Or does it only hurt if it's before marriage, like they said?

How would our bodies know?

Our bodies must send out a message:

"Whoa! She's married now?

No! No, wait! She's married!

Stop the pain! Stop bleeding!"

You filled me up with lies,

and it turned into an unhealthy amount of fear.

It made me so anxious

that sometimes I'd even have nightmares about it.

My fears were dismissed by others,

but they festered and grew in my mind:

fear that sex was inevitable,

fear that having sex would destroy me completely,

fear that one day I'd face a choice:

endure the pain for someone I love or say no and risk losing them.

I know now that that's all they are,

they're just lies,

but what was the purpose?

To scare us into chastity?

Congratulations, it worked-

not only did you scare me to chastity,

you scared me to death.

You terrorized me,

you taught me how to be truly afraid,

not just of sex, but of people.

For so long I was terrified of getting close to anyone

out of the fear that something could happen

that would lead to sex and pain.

For so long I was convinced I would never be married,

and of course, I had always been taught

that marriage is essential to happiness.

You taught me fear.

You taught me how to isolate myself,

how to hide myself,

how to hate myself-

all in the name of helping me,

of saving me.

And then you have the audacity

to ask me why I stopped trusting you.

In the end, it's my life, not yours. 

I'll live it how I want to.

And I have chosen to live without caring about what other people do

just as long as they don't hurt anyone else.

But I suppose you, of all people,

wouldn't understand that.