Thoughts and Things

Useless

"Why are you so quiet?"

"You're not even helping."

"Make yourself useful."

I'm sorry, 

I'm not used to being noticed,

I'm just so used to sitting by and watching other people do the work,

it's not that I'm lazy,

it's just that no one thinks to include me.

It's a habit for all of us:

I sit in the corner

and they turn a blind eye.

They hardly even try anymore,

and I gave up a long time ago.

Even when I do try to join in,

I end up slipping into the background,

and it's not on purpose.

I try to put myself out there,

and no one notices

or cares

or acknowledges me.

You can only try so many times

until you're discouraged

and you decide that maybe the background is where you belong.

So I really appreciate your noticing,

I do,

but I don't know what you want from me.

I'm so used to sitting idly,

I started daydreaming,

and I don't even know what we're supposed to be doing.

But of course I'll never say that,

I'd be much too embarrassed.

I'll probably just smile faintly and nod

or shake my head

or shrug,

depending on the situation.

Maybe I'll offer a vague apology,

without naming any reason,

and of course all you'll hear is "I'm sorry...".

You won't hear the last part.

I'll either say it too quietly for anyone to hear

or I might not say it out loud at all,

although I can't imagine 

how you can't hear

every fiber of my being

screaming

all at once

"I'm sorry that I am so useless".