Thoughts and Things

Aren't I funny?

I'm going to die alone

I'm going to die alone

I'm going to die alone

I'm going to die alone

I'm going to die alone just like my mother and my father

and that's just it.

Have I accepted it?

Have I really?

I keep telling myself

yes

yes

yes

yes

yes, just accept the truth, damn it.

Even as a kid

I knew it

and I just didn't think much of it.

But now it's all hitting me

full force

and I suppose I've had the wind knocked out of me.

Is that my fate?

Do I believe in fate?

When I told my mom this

(as a child)

she said maybe I might be a nun.

Well, that idea's gone straight to hell.

I don't know what I want to be, who I want to be,

what I want to do-

but I know what I don't want.

I don't want to be my father or my mother.

Maybe that's why I won't accept it-

I've got to fight this feeling that I'm going to turn out like them.

But if I can't even love myself,

who else will?

What if I'm not good enough?

The ones who treat me right

are the ones who make me want to be a better person

and sometimes I just don't think I can do that.

I've fallen into the pits of self loathing again

and I don't know if I can get out

and no one seems to believe me.

I slip and fall and it's all a fucking joke.

I'm a fucking mess.

Maybe I'm a joke too.

If I am, I'm not a very funny one, or a very good one.

I guess I've just heard it so many times that I can't possibly laugh anymore

but everyone else is just shaking with laughter.

I don't remember becoming a fucking comedian

but I guess I should really look into it.

I could probably make a good living off of it.