Thoughts and Things

The Ugly Truth

See,

the week was long and I just kept waiting,

I don't know what I expected-

a sign, I guess?

Maybe I was expecting the heavens to open

and some being to come down and answer me

(just a yes or a no would be fine).

But that's not going to happen,

especially not in a darkened theater.

I guess there's just that tiny hope that everything will turn out black and white,

clean cut,

clear as day.

But nothing's that goddamn easy.

Even after getting nothing, 

no sign or message,

I was suddenly okay with that.

I have no idea why, but I was.

When you've felt the way I've felt,

you don't question why you're feeling better.

You just take it while you've got it.

A week went by of feeling okay

and without any word from him

but I was still okay and that was all that mattered.

And finally, while lying in bed, in the middle of the night,

I was struck full force as if a ton of bricks had hit me

(or maybe they had been thrown at me)

by the idea that I would undoubtedly die alone.

I'd live alone and I'd die alone and that was that.

I'd die alone like my father.

This wasn't news to me,

I've accepted it from an early age-

but I guess for a while I really believed

that we'd be together until the end.

And even after realizing all of this,

I didn't hate him.

And though I was sad,

I didn't cry.

I sighed 

and I rolled over

and I pulled the covers around me.

I suppose I'm almost always alone,

but that doesn't quite mean I'm lonely. 

Sometimes I like being alone.

I guess sometimes you just don't mind being alone

but you would still like someone there anyway.

I guess this is just calm acceptance.

Though I still miss him,

I hope that he does not find himself feeling lonely

and I hope he does not die alone like I will.