Thoughts and Things

I wish-

"You're just so smart," she says.

I started to laugh-

"No, really, I mean it.

Every time I read something you've turned in,

I'm just blown away."

I blush, unsure of what to say,

flattered and fairly certain that she's saying that to make me feel better-

"If only your work ethic matched your intelligence.

You'd be valedictorian for sure!"

I was silent-

"I'm complimenting you, you know," she said impatiently.

I smiled and thanked her, and she left,

but it echoed in my head.

Work ethic.

Earlier in the year, she'd said it then too-

"I'm concerned about your work ethic."

Work ethic. (n) A belief in work as a moral good.

She means well, I know it.

I like her, I like her class, I really do,

but those words keep coming up-

My work ethic.

Some people think I don't have a work ethic-

"Don't you care about your grades?"

"You could be valedictorian."

"If only you'd do your work-"

"-apply yourself-"

"-stop forgetting assignments-"

God, I wish I could,

I wish I could look at my work and just do it,

I wish I could read my work and feel proud,

you don't know how often I wish that-

"You've got good ideas,

but you need to maintain focus."

God, if it were only that easy,

if I could sit down and make myself do the work-

But no. To them,

not doing the work is synonymous with

apathy,

laziness,

forgetfulness.

Oh, I wish I could just not care.

I wish it were that simple.

And they think I'm procrastinating.

I wish I was, but no-

They say I'm goofing off.

But no, of course not-

I hate getting up and doing things,

I don't feel like getting up,

I just want to lie down and never get up,

maybe sleep for a while,

maybe just exist,

maybe just cease to exist.

Sure, maybe that is procrastinating,

but it's not because I want to,

and it's a horrible way to procrastinate, anyway,

I hate it so much but I can't stop it-

Why do I have to be so different

from everyone else?