Thoughts and Things

I know I shouldn't have, but I went to bed angry

That look in her eyes-

God, that look in her eyes.

But they're my eyes, too.

But if I ever have that look...

No. I won't allow that.

But it's not just her eyes,

it's her mouth, too.

That slight frown,

that oh-so-subtle downward curve of her lips,

that look that made it clear just how hard she was thinking.

I can almost see the wheels turning,

I can see how hard she is trying.

I hate it.

But when she tilts her head-

that is the worst part.

That's when I know she's really thinking,

she's really trying to understand,

and she's really failing.

It's that look of cluelessness,

that look of confusion,

that fear of failure as a parent 

to understand her only child,

that feeling that she's failed because her child

isn't

perfect-

that is what bothers me.

Because I'm not.

I'm not perfect.

I'm different.

I'm different than her.

She may be older,

she may have experience,

but I understand things on a much deeper level

than she ever has,

and probably ever will.

It's that look, 

that dumb puppy look,

that is what bothers me.

"The way I see it, you either believe 

or you don't. 

If you don't, 

all I can say is

I disagree with you...

and I

feel

sorry

for you,

because you are the one 

who will suffer."

Where did I say I didn't believe?

Where did I say it? 

Nowhere. 

I never said it.

You're putting words in my mouth.

My interpretation,

my understanding of things

is different than yours.

There's nothing wrong with that.

I'm different than you.

It doesn't make me better or worse than you.

But I never said anything like that,

so don't put these words in my mouth

and don't you dare give me any pity. 

I didn't ask for your goddamn pity.

And stop looking at me like that.

I see that look,

and I know what you think-

that you've failed as a parent

because I don't believe the same thing as you.

You've missed the mark, I'm afraid.

Maybe you have failed as a parent,

but that's not why.

There are hundreds of other reasons why,

and it's definitely not because I'm different than you.