Thoughts and Things

Another character to play

I can't explain it, I really can't.

I yearn to be in front of people,

not to be shoved to the background like I always am.

People ask me what I want to be when I grow up,

and I say "An actress",

but I can hardly speak in front of my classmates 

without messing up,

stuttering,

mumbling,

cursing myself for being so ridiculous.

It all makes sense in my head,

it's all so well thought out,

but it comes out as a mess of words and sounds,

totally incoherent.

My dream job isn't impossible,

it's not out of my reach,

because I am a different person onstage than I am anywhere else.

I am cool and confident,

I know what to say and how to say it,

I don't stutter-

unless the part calls for it, of course-

and I don't mumble.

Every word is clear and audible,

every action is well thought out,

and any slip ups are covered so well that they aren't even noticeable.

I only wish that I could be that girl all the time,

instead of this scared, meek, mumbling, little mess.

And worst of all,

they're starting to cast me as meek characters,

so when I am in character,

I feel no different than I do offstage.

Isn't that why I'm doing this,

to escape that girl?

If I wanted to stay scared and quiet,

I wouldn't put myself on that damn stage.

Every stutter or mumble,

that's not acting, it's real,

but the crowd still cheers at my obvious discomfort-

because it's acting, isn't it?

I can't begin to explain it,

how my anxiety melts away when I'm onstage

but remains ever present behind the scenes.

My teacher said that's how I know that this is what I want to do with my life,

that it's how I know I want to be an actress.

All it's telling me is how much I want to live onstage

and just hope that the girl backstage will stay there,

maybe stay locked away in the prop closet.

Out of sight, out of mind, right?

But when that girl is offstage, everyone mistakes her for the actress,

and she's too scared to correct them,

to tell them that she wasn't an actress,

she'd never be an actress,

she was too nervous,

too insecure,

too scared,

too quiet.