Sohams personal Diary

Sohams everyday diary! April29

28 April 2021  Thursday

809PM-925PM(writing time)

Dear future Soham,

Dear diary, Dear everybody, dear universe....today I felt low, I felt sad, I felt super anxious, I felt lonely, I felt really bad, I didn't like how I felt and I felt really really low in my spirits...I felt as if though I didn't have any friends...and my friends who are my besties...I have drifted kilometers and kilometers away from them. I got up at 7:25 and did exercise... there were tons of alarms that I had set up but when they rang I knew my body wasn't capable of getting up, I needed more rest. The exercise was good and felt good and after that, I did a quick house sweeping, folded the blankets, and hot into classes. I had planned what I wanted to do for the whole day during the Hindi period although right after classes I really wanted to sleep instead I was being forced to take a bath and oh did I tell you? Our neighbors literally the ones in front of us have covid. We know them very well and they know us very well and all that stuff. It's their grandfather who got it..So uncle's dad. Basically, he traveled and he came back and he's tested positive and so that's that...he's 80. oH then after a lot of arguing and me cribbing like a baby for not taking a bath I had to.....I don't feel all that pretty after taking a bath nowadays mainly bcoz my clothes have become really really small...puberty perks. Like the loose jeans, I bought 4 months ago and now that's also too tight. Ugh. I just looked at my phone and feel lonely again. Yeah, so I don't feel all that sexy and hot anymore...i need to buy clothes or what I really don't know. Then I had VMC and then Dinner and then loaded the dishwasher. I want to talk about what triggered the sad me. I am actually a very happy person. I've literally never gone through those sad fazes that everyone keeps talking bout. Never. I am always cheerful if u ask how I am I would always answer, "very good, thank you, and you?" But no not that not today. I felt like I was very lonely just because I haven't talked to any of my close friends lately and I feel I am drifting really really far from me. That they're all enjoying and I am sad that I am going far away from them. No messages...I don't know what's going on. It doesn't feel good and it doesn't feel nice. Some of my friends were going out with their friends who are not exactly my friends but ik them but that's not the point, the point is that people were catching up with friends and going out but not me. We would've; I would've put one of my closest friends in the entire multiverse, Saanvi; who It feels like I've known my entire lifetime. Who is my closest friend. I feel I have so badly drifted away from her she was the one girl I used to talk to; the first girl I actually got comfortable talking with. But it just feels it's all going very very very blank. She couldn't come as she was traveling and a few days after that; I got into a fight with another of my closest closest closest friends in the entire world; Sonu. I got mad at her bcoz she wasn't replying appropriately to my texts and I blocked her and she didn't accept what I wanted her to and I didn't apologize and that was that and we didn't go out for a meetup, to catch up in person, to have "fun"; Me, Sonu, Saanvi and Harshit; another super duper duper close friend of mine. We 4 connected and were besties. When I got mad at Sonu the whole group kinda drifted and I felt they were enjoying themselves together with the 3 and I was alone and not having friends. The thing is that it looks like they have a lot more friends than me...and as much as I think and believe that they talk to maybe 50 people a day...I feel anxious coz my DMs are very dry...I have stopped saying hi in the first place which means I don't start conversations which I think has led to a drastic downfall in my socializing with others and it's just sad. I just DM'd a couple of friends a hi and hello and when I say "just" it was the 3 mins in between "sad." and "i".  and I feel a Lil better about that. And I think the thing described in "Social Delimna" the movie on Netflix is now getting in my head, I feel that I don't get enough comments. It affects how I think; it's affecting my psychological self... it's affecting my life; Social media DMs are affecting my life. But I think it's important to "socialize" after all that's the only way to catch up with people bcoz WhatsApp is not social media in any way shape or form right? Instagram is just entirely different. And it's important to be on it. But I am not getting messages. I think it's bcoz I am not messaging people. I am not talking about something. And I also realized I don't have a single best friend. Like even In our group of 4; Saanvi and Sonu are best friends. Not me and Harshit...we are awesome friends but not the inter-group besties if you know what I'm talking about. I don't feel all that confident I used to. Covid really changed the inside of me; I felt confident and the leader but these past 2 months it's not going towards my side...It doesn't feel very nice, And- I really don't know what to do. I don't wanna miss out on friends...I need them. I really do. I don't know how to approach them; how to talk about something; feel like crying right now. I am sad. I am very sad.

Soham