Let Me Live, Please! [BxB]

22: Haruki

Haruki leads a very lonely life. Him discovering his sexuality affected his relationship with his parents.

It was understandable. At this time and age, producing an heir was valuable to any family. But it was difficult for Haruki sisnce he didn't want to have sex with women, and adopting a child can't be an option too.

Haruki pitied his parents. They were really excited about him finding a wife to take over the household since he was the oldest amongst the 4 other male siblings.

He still wants to accept his sexuality, but he didn't want to burden his parents into keeping a 'disgrace' so he opted into leaving his household without telling anyone and will only come back when things get easier.

After leaving, he became dedicated to leading his life into a better light. So he found three jobs as an accountant, a seamstress, and a secretary of a business owner.

He did not have a permanent home and was occasionally moving around.

In his job as a seamstress he met Daichi, a farmer and a laborer who worked for the cloth shop Haruki worked in. Daichi was a confident man, calling Haruki pretty and openly flirting with him even while working, sending him gifts and even offering Haruki to stay with him. He didn't even care about the judging eyes that followed them. And this in turn made Haruki flustered and a bit conscious around Daichi.

Haruki doesn't want to refuse this person, in fact, he wants Daichi to stay. But he didn't know how to say it. But in the end he didn't have to worry about it, since Daichi had asked Haruki to be his lover at the beginning of spring.

And obviously, Haruki agreed to dating Daichi. Which surprised the latter, since he didn't think that Haruki would agree immediately, but that confusion was replaced with happiness.

And then on, Haruki began to live under Daichi's house. He originally wanted to work with Daichi as a labourer but the latter insisted not to because Daichi couldn't bear to see his lover carrying heavy objects. But he did agree with Haruki continuing his previous professions.

And so on their life continued that way.

Haruki and Daichi were poor lovers in the town of Hinawa. They lived in a small straw hut near a river. Daichi was a farmer and a laborer, while Haruki helped as a seamstress and a secretary.

But it was too good to be true... Such happiness doesn't always stay strong.

It was a good day, Haruki was fixing an embroidered sweater he made for Daichi so that he wouldn't get cold in the nearing winter. But out of nowhere, he hears loud coughing from the outside. Concerned, he went out to check only to find Daichi lying on the ground with blood from his mouth.

In a panicked state he called out to his neighbours for help and they brought Daichi to the nearest medical station. It was then that Daichi was diagnosed with an incurable lung disease and it turned both of their lives miserable from that day onwards.

---

Weeks passed and Daichi's condition drastically declined. And it became worse since winter was coming. Haruki went by Daichi's side to feed him porridge. Daichi saw the haggard state that Haruki was in and felt his heart heavy, he reached his hand towards Haruki's face and called him.

"Haru... I'm sorry for being like this-"

But he was cut off by Haruki who went down to hug him.

"No! Don't! I don't want to hear it..."

Haruki sobs in Daichi's arms. Haruki didn't want Daichi to say anything like that, it wasn't his fault that he had caught such illness.

"I'll manage okay? You stay here while I work, okay?"

Seeing Haruki all worn out made Daichi want to cry. But he couldn't do anything about it, so he silently agreed.

Everyday, Daichi's sickness would grow worse to the point that he was bed ridden. Only offering a smile to comfort Haruki.

Daichi, of course, felt bad about the things that were happening. He cursed himself for not being the man he promised to Haruki. He cursed himself and for his illness because it was making Haruki suffer.

The townspeople were of course sympathetic for these two, but at that time there were no absolute cures for illnesses like these. So no one in the neighbourhood could offer any help except for remedies for coughing.

Then one day, Haruki awoke to his neighbours calling out to him saying that Daichi had collapsed in the street while forcing himself to work, so he was once again delivered to the nearest clinic, and the entire time Haruki was holding back his tears.

Later that day, Daichi woke up feeling disoriented, he looked at his side to see Haruki asleep, he smiled bitterly as he inwardly apologized. He felt sorry for Haruki, he didn't want to leave him alone, but he knew his time was coming. He felt his breath shortening as he closed his eyes never to be awoken again.

Haruki soon woke up to a lifeless body in front of him. He called the doctor but... It was already too late.

Up until now Haruki felt that he was never alone. Ever since Haruki left his household, he insisted that he would never come back until things become easier. And it didn't change until now. But now for the first time, he truly felt that he was alone.

There was no one else to help him make a funeral, Daichi's parents casted Daichi out for being a problem child. Haruki left on his own, not willing to go back. And the neighbours couldn't do much since winter was coming and had to go back to their own families.

Hence, Haruki made the funeral for his own lover.

It was a painful process, everytime he would dig the soil, a part of his heart would break. But he couldn't afford to stop, it was winter soon and snow would clump in the soil, making it difficult to dig alone.

And slowly, the sky went dark as clouds ashen the heavens, Haruki felt like crying but he had no choice but to continue.

After what felt like an eternity, Haruki finally managed to properly place Daichi's body in a neat manner inside the hole Haruki dug.

Daichi looked peaceful in the white sweater Haruki made before all this happened. And Haruki's heart crushed when he was reminded of his own uselessness.

He tried to keep it in but, just like the clouds, he started sobbing.

All the memories of Daichi seemed to have been lost, one by one, a fragment of his smile, his loving eyes and warmth, disappeared along with his death. Haruki dropped on the ground, his exhausted self could no longer bear the heartbreak he's experiencing.

Exhausted, Haruki collapsed and fell on the hole with Daichi. Snow continued to pour heavily and it always reminded Haruki of the warmth that didn't even have the chance to last.

Haruki screamed, he shouted in his heart:

"Why are we suffering!"

"Why are things like this!"

"Is this punishment?!"

"Why...!"

Silently, Haruki felt his heart weaken, he was far too depraved, before he could close his eyes he saw the ash-like snow falling from the sky.

And silently, he wished...

He wish, that in the next life... If they ever see each other again... He wishes for Daichi to not suffer anymore. He wishes for Daichi to be happy without him.