Do you know how hard it is to be like this?
To be depressed.
To be anxious about everything.
To overthink every little thing.
To notice every little detail that normal people wouldn't notice or worry about.
To not want to take medicine because you actually want to feel something.
But at the same time you want to take medicine because you don't want to feel a damn thing.
And then when you get told to take your medicine and your body starts to adjust to it and you become mentally numb to anything, you feel like you need to find a way to feel something.
Wether that's cutting, drinking, smoking, anything that makes you feel alive.
I haven't cut in a very long time.
And I quit taking my medicine.
Because I want to feel something.
But I don't want to feel like this.
So either way I feel the need to cut to get away from everything.
I don't have a fighting chance either way.
If I take the meds I'm numb, but I want to feel something.
If I don't take the meds I feel everything, but I don't want to feel like this.
I don't want to feel lost.
I don't want to feel crazy.
Or alone.
Or out of place.
Or ignored.
Or not loved.
I want to feel okay.
I want to feel happy.
I want to feel like a regular human being.
But I don't.
And I probably never will.
But the only way I can make things better for myself is to cut.
It might not be the best choice.
But it helps.
But I can't.
I made a promise.
And I've broke so many.
And it just hurts both of us.
And to be honest, I don't even know if she wants to be my friend anymore.
I probably screwed that friendship up too.
What do I do?
