I tried.
I tried to calm down.
I tried not to argue.
I tried to keep it to myself.
I should've left it alone.
I should've sucked it up.
I shouldn't have spoke about home.
Or the whole situation.
I kept him a secret for a reason.
Ever since I talked about him my head has been all out of whack.
It's been a rollercoaster.
Now I'm by myself.
Because of me.
I'm by myself.
I just wanted comfort.
But I couldn't find it in the same house he was in.
I didn't feel safe.
The only person that made me feel safe was her.
But she was mad at me.
Because of me.
She was mad.
I should've let it be.
I should've just went to bed.
I shouldn't have argued with her.
I just wanted her to hold me while I cried because he can't hurt me when she's near.
She's much stronger than me.
Her comfort frightens him.
Her presence frightens him.
Her care for me frightens him.
But I couldn't tell her that.
I couldn't put that on her shoulders.
I couldn't come out and tell her that.
That's a big deal.
At least to me.
I didn't want to sleep there because he's been around my sister before.
She just doesn't know it.
He hasn't shown himself to her.
He won't.
He knows if he shows himself to her that his guard is blown.
She isn't afraid of him.
And he doesn't like that.
He wants everyone to be afraid of him.
He knows that she will do everything in her power to keep me safe and away from him.
But I don't want to push it.
I don't know what he's capable of anymore.
He's changed.
Not in a good way.
I seen him.
But I couldn't say anything.
I was told I was okay.
That we were okay.
That he wouldn't show himself.
Until he did.
He did just because I was told he wouldn't.
That's okay.
That's not their fault.
That's my fault.
My fault for speaking up about him.
My fault for making him even more angry.
My fault for being so open about it.
I shouldn't have done it.
I did.
I don't regret it.
But I will have to face the consequences.
Alone.
I refuse to let him hurt anyone.
Especially her.
I won't allow it.
She's too special to me.
I couldn't let him hurt her.
She's all I have that I can talk to.
She's all I have that understands.
She's all I have who makes me feel safe.
I can't lose her.
I regret arguing with her.
I regret talking to her the way I did.
But she didn't catch along with what was going on.
That's my fault.
I should've explained.
I should've said something.
And now we are going to bed mad and hurt.
This is his fault too.
He's getting in my head.
All I want to do rn is cry.
And cut.
And leave this world.
But I can't.
I know if I can't lose her, she can't lose me.
I made a promise.
He can make me feel like death.
He can make me mad.
Piss me off.
Make me sad.
Make me even more depressed.
Make me hurt myself.
But I will do ANYTHING to keep her safe.
I was just trying to protect them.
That's all.
I tried.
