The words cut like a knife.
One way sharper than I've ever used.
It cut way deeper than a knife through the heart.
Coming from someone I love.
Someone I trust.
Someone I never thought I'd hear it from.
Someone who was there for me in the darkest times.
Someone who saved my life.
Someone who made me feel like I was worth the time and patience to actually care about.
Someone who made me feel like I fit in with everyone.
Someone who trusted me.
Someone who I thought everything of.
Someone I can't stand to not be around.
Someone who helps me any way possible.
Someone who I thought would never ever ever ever say something like that to me.
She knows my story.
She knows my thoughts.
She knows about him.
She knows about my self harming.
She knows my emotions and feelings.
She knows how I am triggered so easily.
And she says that.
I know I shouldn't have did what I did.
But she shouldn't have done what she did either.
I'm hurt.
I'm lost.
I'm scared.
I'm suffocating in my own anxiety.
I'm smothered by the dark thoughts.
I'm angry.
I'm sad.
I'm upset with myself.
I hate myself.
Everything about me.
Absolutely everything.
I thought things would get better.
But they're not.
I feel awful.
I feel a panic attack coming but I can't have it in front of everyone.
I feel like taking a whole bottle of pills just so I don't have sit here and drown in my thoughts.
This is beyond what I can handle.
I'm tired.
I've cried all day.
I've tried to hide my emotions all day.
But I can't.
I'm just hurt.
Really hurt.
I just need to get in the car and drive as far away as possible and commit suicide in hopes no one would know.
No one would miss me, would they? Probably not.
Would anyone even notice I was gone?
Would anyone care?
I feel like they wouldn't.
But maybe that's just me.
Should I plan another trip?
We will see.
