EZH #5: Hope Tuason [ON GOING]

Chapter 22

Chapter 22

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Never ko pa naramdaman na wala akong mapiling mapagsabihan ng nararamdaman ko until now. I felt so helpless, like I was the only one who thought that this was a big deal. I was alone with it in my mind. Pakiramdam ko kapag sinabi ko sa iba, they would think that I was only overreacting and I wasn't ready to be invalidated like that.

Ayokong masabihan na mababaw ako. Kung para sa iba, pagiging shallow ang pagbi-big deal ko sa ginawa ni Demi, sa akin ay hindi.

I meant, okay, Demi was rich and she could afford to treat me with clothes that costed a hundred thousand, but that still doesn't make the guilt I was feeling go away. The money she used to buy those clothes didn't just grew from trees. Someone worked hard to earn them and I knew how hard it was to earn money.

Naisip ko si Miggy, since somehow I knew she would understand where I was coming from, pero busy siya sa kung ano mang laro itong sinimulan nila ni Asher. Kahapon nang tinawagan ko siya ay pumunta kaagad siya sa bahay at nag usap kami. I was about to tell her details about my shopping trip the other day, but it turned out she had a more urgent thing she wanted to talk about. So iyon nga ang pinag usapan namin. Apparently, when she and Demi first met, Demi thought girlfriend siya ni Asher. Hinayaan niya lang noong una at hindi sineryoso iyon, not knowing that Demi would believe.

So ngayon, feeling yata ni Asher ay sila na talaga. Mukha pa namang hindi marunong manligaw si Asher, baka akala niya ganun kadali magka-girlfriend? He did live in Korea for some time, baka na-adapt niya ang culture roon na hindi na kailangan manligaw bago pumasok sa isang relasyon.

To say that Miggy was freaking out was a very huge understatement. She was very confused, I could tell. Ramdam ko na pinipilit niya lang maging nonchalant about sa mga nangyayari pero alam ko, deep down apektado na apektado siya. Di naman siya mapapa-rant sa akin kung hindi. Sadyang hindi niya lang talaga alam kung paano iha-handle ang mga nararamdaman niya ngayon. And by the time we were done talking about her concerns, she was already too tired to hear about mine.

Hope was not an option, too. With the way how he worried about me, alam kong hindi maganda na sa kanya ako magsabi. For some reasons ay ginagawa na ni Hope na business niya iyong mga nangyayari sa buhay ko. I get it, he was a good friend, but he didn't have to be that... nosy. That involved. Whatever that happened between me and Tim, labas na siya dun.

Maybe he felt bad that his Kuya kind of ditched me, but I didn't need it. Kung ano mang klase ng awa ang nararamdaman niya para sa akin, ayokong tanggapin. Yes, his kind of attention and care felt nice at first, kasi pinaramdam niya sa akin na masasandalan ko siya. Pero ngayon, tingin ko ay nasosobrahan siya sa pagiging sandalan ko. Sobra to the point na nagiging cause of stress niya na rin ang mga problema at ganap ko sa buhay. And that made me feel bothered. Hindi maganda sa pakiramdam ko iyong pati si Hope ay sobrang naaapektuhan, when in fact iyong iba naman ay hindi. Si Caspian hindi naman ganoon ka-apektado. Even Kal, na alam kong may idea sa mga nangyayari.

Wala silang kayang itago kay Kal kaya sigurado akong may alam din siya.

Sa ganitong pagkakataon ako napapaisip ng mga depressive thoughts. Katulad na lamang nang marami akong kaibigan at kakilala, pero wala pa rin akong matakbuhan. I still found myself battling my emotions alone and could think of no one to share them to. Parang ang daming nangyayari sa buhay ng ibang kaibigan ko na napag iiwanan ako. All my friends have their own thing going on in their lives and I would come to think about how I didn't have anyone. It's either masaya sila na ayokong maging bother or they're dealing with something like me na ayokong makadagdag pa.

Then my train of thought would always fall to one person, si Tim.

Si Tim sana. He could've been the person who I always could run to. I've always imagined my comfort person to be him. I've always wished for that day in my future where he would cuddle me when I was having bad days and that I would do the same for him. Pangarap ko 'yun, e. Isa sa mga bagay na gustong gusto kong makamit. Bagay na ipinatikim lang sa akin pero binawi na ulit.