Paradise (MikaYuu)

38

School is killing my updating schedule.
...

(Mika)

I traced the scars on my hands endearingly, they were a part of me, a part of me I hated so much that I ended up loving it. A reminder of what made me me.

I wanted to interact with Yuu. I wanted to be the one to interact with Yuu. I wanted to see him scared of me. He needed to be scared of me for things to work. He was such a wild card in all of this. How do you control someone who almost knows everything about you? He's so close to knowing, the door is just barely cracked open. He's different than it is with Asher. Asher is weak, Asher is pathetic, Asher is a coward. Yuu is strong, Yuu is bold, Yuu is everything that I'm not. And Yuu is mostly sure that I won't seriously hurt him, that's quite a confidence boost when dealing with a violent criminal.

The thought of him ruining my life kept me up at night but it was also the biggest thrill I had at the moment. Asher was no where to be seen and if he was in hiding it means he told Yuu something he shouldn't have; something that would make me mad if I found out. I wasn't a little bitch and Asher knew that, Asher knew I wouldn't back down if I knew something was wrong.

I was in a constant inner battle between a detached part of me that wanted to do things cleanly, meticulously, perfectly and an obsessive, chaotic part of me that didn't care about consequences as long as he got what he wanted and what he wanted was nothing more than Yuu. Both seemed to agree on one thing though: I wanted to hurt someone.

Unfortunately, the person I really wanted to hurt, even just a little bit, was completely off limits due to the other side. I had grown so obsessed with seeing even a little bit of his pain that I'd practically fetishized it. It didn't even need to be physical, he just needed to be visibly upset by my actions. Just a few moments of emotional pain due to something I've done. I liked it in the past and you bet your ass I like it now.

There was just one major problem with that.

I grabbed at my hair as hard as I possibly could. Ever since I saw him the antsy feeling wouldn't stop whenever he wasn't in my sight. I have memories of feeling hollow without him in the past. However, empty was my default setting since a young age. Now when he was home I felt fucking awful. Like having a bad reaction to a drug. My body felt tingly and light in all the wrong ways, my head hurt, and I was insanely emotionally unstable (which I was doing rather well at hiding...mostly)

"Crowley!" I shouted aggressively from my spot on the floor.

"What?!" He shouted back from across the basement.

"Why the fuck aren't you upstairs?!" I scolded. I didn't know if I was really mad at him or just needed something to be mad at. My body felt like it was on fire. I unbuttoned the top few bottoms of my shirt to try and get some more ventilation.

I need to see him.

"Are you kidding me?! I just closed 2 hours ago! It's wayyyy too early to open!" He responded, "I don't open again for another 12 hours at least!"

I tapped my foot as I crushed my hands over my ears. His voice was so, so annoying. I couldn't handle how fucking shrill it sounded.

I need to punch something.

I slammed my hand against the wall, being sure to keep my wrist straight as to not break anything and resisted my urge to slam my head off of the wall. Slamming someone else's head against the wall sounded oh so appealing. I was feeling much more homicidal than usual, almost too much to want to be out of my house.

I want to see him.

"Hey, I heard a bang," Crowley peaked his head around the corner and I immediately thought of how I could break his neck by pulling that braid just a little too hard. He was wearing less clothing than the strippers upstairs and I just wanted to break his fucking fingers, "you look sweaty."