Paradise (MikaYuu)

44

Oh heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, it's uh, it's been a minute. You look extra hot today, gorgeous, sorry I disappeared without a trace for a few weeks love youuuuuuu *awkward finger guns*

(Mika)

Yuu had barely slept at all that night, I didn't sleep, but that was nothing new for me. He was a hot mess, tired, depressed, anxious, and oozing with self hatred.

I was sitting in the floor, just watching his every move, I was deeply concerned. He was laying in his bed, arm hanging off the side, scratching the side of his thumb until it was bleeding.

"Baby, stop," I said in a whisper as I held his hand tightly to prevent any further damage, "you're hurting yourself."

He didn't respond, just laid there, staring out into nothing. I wish I knew what was going on in that head of his right now.

"Sorry." He mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

"Don't be." I squeezed his hand a little harder, it hurt like a bitch, but luckily my appointment was today... well, that may be unluckily depending on how bad Yuu is feeling.

I felt drops of his blood start to run down my hand, this was really fucking depressing. I didn't know what to do about this, I don't think I've ever seen him like this. The closest he got to anything like this was right after the murders and even then he still wasn't this hollow.

He didn't add anything else, just laid there. I hated this, "Do you wanna get up? Maybe we could go do something today? I have a doctors appointment at 2, but that gives us time to do pretty much anything."

He pressed his lips into a thin line, I could tell he wanted to say no, but couldn't find it in himself to actually tell me no. I could only imagine how he was feeling and adding extra stress was the last thing I wanted to do.

"Or not," I said, "that's also ok."

"I'm sorry." He turned his face away from mine, he was really crumbling down. I didn't know how to deal with other people's emotions, I didn't even know how to deal with my emotions. It's never been a problem before Yuu came along and I was just completely lost on what to do and I felt so genuinely horrible for it.

"No, it's ok. Please don't apologize." I offered him a sympathetic smile, but I knew he wouldn't even look at me.

Of course he wouldn't fucking look at me.

From the outside, anyone could see that I wasn't really responsible for everything happening, I wasn't even really responsible for most of it. But to him, I destroyed him. I was the turning point in his life just as much as he was the point in mine. Only mine was for the better, and his was for the worse.

He remembered the awful things I've done combined with every other awful thing he's faced in both lifetimes. I wouldn't look at me either if I was the victim. The fact he even let me be near him right now, let alone touch him, was surprising to me, but Yuu was always full of surprises.

Being with him generally made me forget, made me feel like I could be good. But right now all I felt like was a menace. He wasn't talking, he wasn't distracting me in any way, he wasn't even looking at me. And that left me to be engulfed in my thoughts and memories. Not just my god awful childhood, but my terrible last life. Every single day I felt myself becoming more and more aggressive my bloodlust growing hungrier and hungrier and even hungrier yet. I wanted to tear them all apart. I wanted to kill every single person that even looked at Yuu and that mindset was making me reckless.

I couldn't handle this.

A knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts. I looked to Yuu to see what he wanted to do, and real shocker: he didn't move at all.

"Do you want me to get it?" I asked.

"Hell no." He answered pretty quickly, hiding his face in the pillow.

"Ok." I rubbed my thumb on the back in his hand.

"Yuu?" Yoichi called through the door, "Mikaela?"

"Fuck it, just tell him I'm asleep." Yuu sighed.

"He's still asleep, Yoichi." I called in a hushed kind of yell.

"Is he ok?" Yoichi asked.

Yuu turned to see my reaction, still not meeting my eyes, "Yeah, he's fine. I think he's just burnt out." I said.

"...right," Yoichi said hesitantly, "I'm going out. Tell him to call me when he wakes up."

"Will do, have a good day." I thanked the universe that that conversation was finally over.

Yuu moved over on the bed and tugged my hand a little. I tried not to scream and figured he wanted me to lay beside him.

I slowly crawled in and brought his hand up to my face, kissing the still slowly bleeding wound and felt the warmth spot my lips.

"That's really gross." Yuu cringed a little.

"I don't care, I just want it to feel better." I chuckled slightly.

Yuu looked up at the ceiling, "I don't think anything's going to feel ok for a while."

God, this was fucking killing me. It hurt so much to watch him go from being moderately happy to this empty shell.

"What did he used to do when you felt like this?" I asked.

Yuu didn't answer, just stayed staring up at the ceiling for a while before letting out a little chuckle, "He's nothing like he used to be."

"Are any of us?" I questioned.

"Yeah, actually. Mitsuba, my parents, Kureto, and I haven't even seen everyone that we knew." Yuu seemed to like this topic, or at the very least, wanted to talk about it.

"What did you do after me?" This was a question I've genuinely been craving the answer to.

"I took a while to get over the trauma, then I got married, went to college to become a caseworker, did that for a while, went to parties, traveled, retired, took up a bunch of new hobbies, and died. I had a lot of problems with PTSD and I tried to, ya know, in my 40s. I spent a little time in a psych hospital, and when I got out me and him went on a trip, I got a lot out emotionally and after that I did a lot better," he paused for a moment, "I miss him. You came back, but he's not going to. He was my rock, my best friend, and the only person I ever poured my soul out to... and he's gone."

"Oh," it finally clicked in my head, he was upset for a large number of reasons, but I finally realized what actually triggered this, "Yoichi and Shiho are getting married, and your husband is gone."

"Mika, this shit fucking sucks." He choked out.

"Yeah, you're right, it does." And now it sucked for me too. I was jealous of a man that was essentially dead and I didn't even know where his lesser version was at. I was gnashing my teeth, I'd been holding that force against my jaw ever since I even mentioned Asher.

I was angry, jealous, and bitter. Those were the exact characteristics evident in the man who made my current life's childhood hell. And that realization finally made me let go. Both physically and metaphorically, I finally released the pressure.

"We're gonna go away for a week, remember? We're gonna go away, and these problems can wait for us here." I proclaimed.

"We've always been miserable fucks, haven't we?" Yuu laughed in the most pathetic sounding voice.

"Mmhm, neither of us are very good at finding things that make us happy," I nudged his side, "but misery loves company, and I know I certainly love you."

"Yeah, I don't love me," he chuckled, "I just feel like shit, shit, and more shit. Going through life, oh, wadda ya know? Shit. Turn the corner, there it is. Shit."

"I think you need a nap." I laughed a little at how groggy he seemed.

"Bet I'll sleep like shit too." He announced.

"Bet I won't even sleep." I smiled at him.

He still wouldn't look me in the eyes, but that was a problem for later.