Shudder

13. Problematic

Song for Chapter: Without Words - Ray LaMontagne
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"Fighting each other isn't going to help." I sit up from the bed the blanket still wrapped around my naked body.

"But he-" Blood runs down Zayn's eye causing his shaking hands to wipe the drips away.

"He what Zayn? He loves me. I have told you a million times already that I chose you and you still can't get that through your head."

"What am I suppose to do when he won't leave you alone?"

"Trust her." Harry hasn't taken much damage, a small bruise forming under his eye. He was doing most of the hitting. "I know you like me though Jessie. You said it."

"You did?" Zayn's cut eye looks at me in disbelief and I feel my chest tighten around my throat begging me to scream.

"Oh no." I point at Harry, "You're the last person who should be talking right now." I scoot lower down the bed the blanket scooting with me. Both boys gulp, their Adam's apple bobbing up and down as my hands fiddle with the edge of the blanket trying to keep it up. "Harry I said I liked you because It's true, but that in no way means I chose you over Zayn, so stop using that against me."

"...but you like him. You lied to me." Zayn sits on the bed his hands in his hair. I don't know what I have to say to make him understand.

"Zayn..." I pause taking in a short breath. My anxiety is now fully gone, the only thing left in my stomach is anger. "I may say a lot of things you don't quite get, and do a lot of things that you won't understand, but I am not a liar. I don't bullshit, so why can't you just trust me?"

"Because you have problems Jessie! An abundant amount of problems that I can't keep up with."

"Then get out." My hands begin to shake the anger inside of me rising from my stomach to every part of me.

"What?" His face is in disbelief the blood still dripping down.

"Get the fuck out."

"This is my apartment."

"Fine then, I'll leave." I begin to stand the blankets trailing behind me. I'd rather walk home like this then stay another minute with him.

"Sh- shit, no. You can't go out like that!"

"Watch me." I whisper pushing past Harry and making my way down the hallway.

"F-uck Jessie fine. I'll leave. I'll be at the library."

"I don't care where you are Zayn. Just get the fuck out." I raise my voice the anger pushing it's way out.

"Does Harry have to leave?"

I look at Harry, his bruised eye, his arms up high, so his hands rest on the top of his head. He looks so gone, no longer listening. "No."

"And why the fuck is that?"

"Zayn." I don't think I can hold myself back much longer, "Get out." I snarl through my teeth pulling the ends of the blanket as I walk him out storming behind him and slamming the door.

"FUCK!" I scream slamming my hands against the door and stomping back into the bedroom where Harry sits on the edge of the bed his hands yet again pulling his long locks. I sit beside him my cleavage peeking through the sheet. I really need to find my clothes.

"I-I'm so sorry." His voice is barely at a whisper as he stares at a spot on the ground shaking his head as he talks. "For everything. I lost feeling for so long that now that I have them back I don't know how to control it."

"It's okay." I say staring at his hands as he stares at the ground.

"No , it's not okay, because these feelings I get, I only get them with you. So what do I do? Loose my best friend or loose my emotions?"

"Harry am I problematic?" I ask completely ignoring his question.

"We all are."

"I mean, am I more then others?"

"Yes." I nod my head, my eyes beginning to burn with hot tears.

"Oh." Is all I can manage out as I try my best to suck back the tears.

"..But so am I." He turns his body so he is facing me fully, "I have problems I can't even explain. Somedays I wake up and ask myself why I'm this way but I always come up short. I love your problems Jessie, and I don't know even them. But I'd love too. Jessie, I would be honored to carry the weight of your problems on top of mine."

We stare into each other's eyes for a while not sure of what to say. I don't know who Harry is and that's what scares me. I know who Zayn is, he's a predictable, sane, mama's boy that is logical and safe, and I need that in my life, I really do. But Harry, he is like me, so gone and lost in the world being pulled along by people like Zayn. We both think we are free but we're not.

"Harry." I say as I lick my lips, "I'm going to kiss you okay?" He nods his head slowly his cheeks turning red, "But it's only because we both deserve to feel something." He nods again, "This still doesn't change the fact that I choose Zayn alright? After this kiss we remain, fri-"

He licks his lips mimicking me as I watch him, my words trailing into oblivion. I let go of my blanket with one hand, the other firmly holding it up. I pull his jaw so our lips are just inches away.

"This means nothing." I whisper one last time before pushing my lips on to his plump ones.

Immediately heat burns under my skin where he touches leaving me aching and shiver in my core. It seems so urgent our lips trembling as we lay down on the bed his large hands cupping my waist above the blanket. His soft lips feel heavenly on mine as he pushes his way through sliding his tongue into my mouth. "Harry." I moan as he rolls me on top of him, thankfully the blanket still wrapped around me. I grab his hair and pull as I kiss down his neck.

"No." Harry says, "Stop." I open my eyes my lips still placed on his jaw.

"What's wrong Harry?" The aching in my stomach not going away fast enough.

"We can't do this."

"We are just kissing." I say, "It doesn't mean anything." Although I know I'm trying to convince myself more then him.

"No I mean I don't want to do it wrong. Not now, not here."

"Harry what are you talking about?"

"It won't be special here."

"Harry what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I can't have my first time being on my best friend's bed, with my best friend's girl."

"Harry..." I say realizing what he just said.

"Yes Jessie." His face turns red as my mouth gaps wide open in shock, "I'm a virgin."

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