Shudder

28. Files

Song for Chapter: Buzzcut Season - Lorde

Trying something different. Doing Louis' point of view. There's a huge twist to this.

LOUIS (DR.TOMLINSON) POV

*4 DAYS LATER*

The perfectionist, the indecisive, and the emotionally distraught, all sitting in a row like ducks on my couch. Scolding and quiet as they wait for me to speak. But I don't want to say anything first- I want them to crack. I know if I speak first they will just feed off of what I say, but if they speak first they can understand each other; because when you crack, evidently you heal.

"I chose to come today because Jessie hasn't spoken to me in 4 days. She won't answer my calls, texts, her old roommate even dumped water on me when I came by. If sitting here in a therapist chair- which might I add I am one myself- means her speaking to me then I will." I knew Zayn would crack first. He's been chipping away for days. Bending and snapping and breaking- waiting for his shell to give in.

"She isn't speaking to you for a reason." The texture in Harry's voice is thick and raspy. He wants to punch Zayn in the face. I can tell by the way he clasps and unclasps his hands. I guess he's starting to chisel away too.

"She won't let me explain-" He turns to face her but her eyes are directed right into mine. Secretly burning a whole into my head as she slightly raises her eyebrows, tilting her head. Almost like she is trying to memorize my features.

"She has a reason to Zayn."

"So I made a mistake. How many times do I have to say I am sorry."

"You let her believe I was a psychopathic stalker because you are afraid she loves me more."

"That's not fair you-"

"And then you try to fix her like she's a ripped pair of pants or a broken teddy bear."

"You're speaking for her-"

"I don't think you get Zayn. See, you might be a therapist like Louis, but there is a difference. You use this job as a way to make yourself feel good. To come home and be able to say 'I helped someone stop themselves from slitting there wrist today! Look at me! How good am I!' You use this job so you can pretend like helping these people will mask some kind of pain you're feeling yourself. So you try and fix everyone else so you don't have to patch up yourself. You don't actually genuinely care. You don't give a shit what really happens to your patients do you?"

"That's a lie." But his voice quivers, he's looking at the ground, his leg bouncing up and down.

"It isn't. You're hiding something. Maybe it was your mom? Dad? Brothers? Sisters? See at least I'm a honest psychotic asshole. What are you hiding Zayn?"

My hands are scribbling along the clipboard, trying to get this all down. Harry won't stop, he pushes and pushes because he wants a reaction. He wants to get something out of everything. He wants to feel something.

Zayn hiding something?
Harry pushing people to feel.
Jessie not speaking.

I try to continue writing but I feel the hot glare of her eyes on mine. She hasn't looked away, not even acknowledging the fight Harry and Zayn are having.

Eyebrows tucked.
Lips in a scowl
Head turned slightly
Hand caressing the other slightly.

She's confused. Trying to figure out the puzzle in her mind. Or me.

"It's true Zayn." I finally speak up. Her eyes now dropping from mine to her hands. "You're hiding something."

"I'm not. It's just- I've- It's" He tries to speak, tries to push out the wanting words but he can't it, won't work. It's like his own body is fighting against him.

And Jessie's eyes are still burning a stare through mine as she interrupts him,

"I was waiting outside of her hospital room. Sitting on a blue hard chair. My ass was hurting and I was miserable. My phone ran out of battery and I was missing some party. I was so rude to her when we walked out of the hospital room. I mean- there was something wrong with her I could tell but I was being so, so mean to her for my own selfish reasons."

Her words slide out like sharp cold wind on a freezing winter day. Each word piercing my chest and I try not to cry because then she'll know.

"I drove home and she sat me on the couch. I was still so annoyed from missing my party. She looked at me when I didn't want to look at her. She didn't even try to ease me into it- telling me it's going to be okay or I'll be fine. Her eyes were cold and glistening with tears and her voice was shaky but I didn't care because I was missing my party. I have breast cancer. Didn't even stutter. And as tears streamed down her face all I thought was. I wonder what song they are playing at the party."

My hands are shaking as I try to write this down on the clip board each word coming out like old horror movie font. I can't look at her yet. I know If I do I'll tell her everything.

"I stopped being a brat when she sat me down again 3 months later telling me she was going to die in 1. That's when I cried. Like a fucking woos. After that we spent every waking minute with each other. I took her all over the US. She wanted to go to Europe but the doctors wouldn't let her. We drove from Washington to California. It was the best time of my life. We ate so much and slept and I screamed on the roller coasters she couldn't go on, and she laughed at art jokes in museums I didn't understand."

Don't cry
Don't tell her the truth
Don't cry
Don't tell her the truth

I'm trying to convince myself but with each word she says so effortlessly digs into me. She is no longer shaking or trembling. She is saying it like she's practiced. And that's terrifying.

"We spoke for hours every night. She would wrap her arms around my waist and tell me stories and I'd listen nodding my head. She lived her last month so well. She was so happy, so strong- God she was strong. She wanted to world for me and every night she begged me to take care of dad but I couldn't face him. I knew if I did look at him I'd be so angry for no reason, I'd blame this on him even though I shouldn't of. I'd probably scream, Why aren't you helping her! We're rich for crying out loud! You should of done something! Do something!"

Zayn is crying in his seat looking at her as she looks at her hands. Harry is staring out the window but I can see he's listening. His head nodding and eyebrows twitching as she goes along.

"The last time I ever saw her was when she woke me up at 4am. We went to central park and sat on the black bench. As the sun came up around us she looked at me and said.

Without the sunrise we are nothing. That is just as terrifying as it is amazing, and 8 hours later she hung herself with a note neatly placed in a purple envelope that read.

As terrifying and amazing as the sun is. Sometimes you have to catch it before it catches you."

Although she doesn't say it I know she is done, her hands finally firmly clasping together.

"And that's why you watched the sunset." Harry finally says. Closing his own hands around her clasped ones and searching her dead eyes.

"And that's why I watched the sunset."

"I love you." he whispers

"I know." Is all she says and it hurts me to know that Harry's okay with that.

"Jessie I-" But she blocks Zayn's response to look into my eyes.

"Why are you crying?" She asks me, and I don't realize I am until she says it. Immediately I push down the button to call Leah.

"Leah, please bring in the files." We sit in silence until she walks in. As beautiful as ever handing me the files I haven't touched in over 2 years. She touches my hand and quickly whispers, "Good luck." Before giving Harry the fingering- making him softly chuckle; obviously remember when she stuck him with a needle- and exiting the room.

"Take these Jessie." I say wiping away my falling tears with my shaky hands as she opens up the files.

I have never been so scared in my life. My ribs shaking, hands sweaty. I might be a therapist but I have some secrets of my own.

"What is this?" She asks looking up at me confused.

"Birth certificate records Jessie. I'm your brother."