Shudder

41. Forgive

**FEW MORE CHAPTERS LEFT**

Song For Chapter: Wilder Mind- Mumford & Sons

HARRYS POV

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It was hard not to want to talk to Zayn when he called me a week later. I've spent most of my time with Louis that any type of angry I had towards him had vanished. I mean the wedding... thinking about that makes my skin begin to turn hot with heartbreak but anger. No.

I have nothing left in me to be angry.

I walked out of my apartment and knock on his. He told me Jessie wouldn't be home but quite honestly I wouldn't care if she were. There's not much I can do about her.

"Hi Zayn." I say when he opens the door.

"Hi Harry." He seemed depressed. Like something so painful was weighing him down.

We walked towards the couch and he handed me a beer as the sound of sports in the background was filing the room. The way it used to be.

I could tell he was going to go on a long speech, the way he shifted in his chair and coughed under his breath. I didn't want to hear another one of his speeches so instead I cut him off.

"I've done a lot of fucked up things Zayn." I say matter-of-factly as I took a sip of cold beer.

"So have I."

"I know we both have. We are fucked up people. Jessie, Louis, you and I. I don't know what it is but-"

"I know." We understood each other. We finished each other's sentences because it was all the same to both of us. He looked at me and turned off the tv, "Can I ask you something Harry."

I take another sip of beer. "Sure."

"But I am not asking you this to cause trouble, I'm curious."

"Okay."

"Why do you love Jessie so much? After all she's done to you. I know you've probably been through this in your head a million times but just give it to me straight... simple." I liked how Zayn was. He was straight to the point. There was no need for talking it out and explaining he just wanted to know, it was pure honesty. Something I needed.

"Straight and simple?" I ask him setting down my beer, as he nodded, "I love her because throughout all the absolute fucked of a mess her spirit is pure. She does these things for a reason, and her reasoning makes me want to find my own. It's the best gift anyone can give me."

It didn't hurt much talking about it, a dole pain, nothing to gut wrenching but it ached none the less. "Why do you love her?" I ask.

"Because I can't seem to find anything else to love but her, and I have absolutely no clue why." And that was as fair as it could get.

It was quiet for a while after he said that. It was not awkward nor was is painful. We just stared at the blank TV. I saw Zayn's chest slowly rise and fall and his left hand quiver as he turned to face me, pouring what was left of him in our friendship.

"Louis told me what you were thinking, and I don't want you to die Harry, you can't die." It was the most I've ever seen Zayn cry. His tears were running in a constant stream down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry." He repeated these words constantly as his whole body wrapped around mine is the first real hug we've shared since my father's leaving.

His tears stained my shirt but it felt good to have him with me again, we've been fighting for so long I forgot what it felt like to have him back. Zayn, my best friend.

"Then what?" He asked me into my shirt, "You die and then what."

"I'm happy." I whisper but that only made it worse.

"You should be happy here. I'm your best friend, we've been through enough you can't just leave me when you're done with the world, I know that's selfish but I don't give a fuck you can't leave me."

And as much as I wanted to truly believe I couldn't. And as much as I wanted to cry with my bestfriend the water wouldn't run.

"You can't fight your wants Zayn."

He knew it, I knew it.

Things were coming to an end and it was only a matter of time before the world would be set back into place...but without me.

LOUIS POV

Leah kissed my lips with her soft ones before leaving me with Jessie. Although I was still furious with her, unfortunately she is my sister and we are all each other has.

"Louis I can explain everything I just need you to-"

"Shut the fuck up Jessie and let someone else speak." I was being rude but frankly I did not care, "You're making the biggest decision of your life, your slowly killing the one person who would die for you, you're being a complete idiot but you are my sister... and we need each other. And I do love you. So I'm sorry for not agreeing with this shit you're doing, but I will come to the wedding, and I will kind of support you. But that's the best I can do."

She smiled widely, and even though my arms were crossed she still stepped quickly to wrap her arms around me.

"Who is coming to this train wreck?" I ask pushing her off.

"You, Harry, Zayn's parents, Leah, and a few of my friends from work ."

"You work now?"

"Oh I forgot to tell you. I work in publishing. I'm just an assistant of an assistant I'm working my way up but-"

"It's alright Jessie."

"Thank you, for being a big brother."

I nodded at her smiling even though inside I was torn. She didn't know the mistakes she was missing.

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UNEDITED! I am so tired!!

SHORT CHAPTER I KNOW BUT I'M ENDING THIS BOOK SOON SO THE LAST FEW CHAPTERS WILL BE SHORT! SMUT IN NEXT CHAPTER :) but the book will all soon come to an end. I cannot wait for the ending you guys are going to hate me:))