Shudder

38. Just One Jump

Song For Chapter: Guts No Glory- Deptford Goth

HARRYS POV

I have dreamt of death. The feeling of nothingness is a peaceful thought to me. The idea of escaping emotion is my best bet. I remember I hated being numb, now I dream for it.

I'm in Buffalo. I have no clue how I got here, sleeping in hotels, eating in small restaurants I worked my way through USA stopping for no one. I have no destination and as I stop to look at landmarks and sites a small smile always flutters to my face. Not because I am happy but because I'll never get to see them again. I soak up the glory of stupid landmarks, like the biggest gumball and old battlefields.

"Hi Louis." He's the only one I've spoken to since my departure. I call him once a week like our sessions, but this time it isn't just me we talk about.

"Hey Harry. How are you doing?"

"I think I might visit Toronto or maybe Quebec." I slide into a bench that looks out onto a small revine.

Welcome to Buffalo New York

It reads. The river splashes against the rocks down below and I close my eyes. One jump and I could forget about this all.

"Harry come back. I can tell you're not doing good. I need you, just as much as you need me." But he was wrong, so wrong. I didn't need anyone anymore. All I needed was my car and the road.

"I'm doing fine. I don't want to come back. How is everyone?"

"I know you don't actually want to know."

"I do, I'm over it all. Louis you don't believe me I'm doing swell." It was all bullshit. My insides felt torn apart at the thought of all of them.

"Are you sure?"

I was fighting with myself. Trying to push 'yes' out of my dry throat but my thoughts were swirling and I felt the truth rise from deep down inside of me. I couldn't help myself from spilling the truth out like word vomit."I want to die Louis. And I don't care if it's my bipolar disease or my heartache but everything hurts. I drive and drive and I turn up the stereo all the way but I can always feel it. Like a sizzled burn all over and I can't take it anymore. I hate what she did to me, but I love her. I love her, I love her. And I'll jump before I say it to her face again. She ruined me and I crave more of it. It's the reason to everything. She's the reason I'll slit my wrist, or jump off this cliff right in front of me. There is no rehab for her. No amount of pills or therapy can help me."

By the end of it I was panting for air. Tears burning my cheeks as I stood at the very edge of a cliff. As I look down towards the ravine I see a trail of ducks floating along the river, bobbing up and down as the current takes them through the ravine.

"Louis all I see is crystal waters and beds of grass. Even the ducks look happy down there. It's just a small jump away and I can be happy too. And I want so badly to be happy." My chest was fire and my hands were trembling. I wanted this, I needed this.

"Harry-listen to me." His voice was stern and cold through the phone. "I want you to take one step away from that cliff you're standing on. You're going to take one step, and then another. You're going to repeat that until you're at your car. Then you are going to turn on your car and meet me in Pennsylvania. Do you understand me Harry?

His voice was panicked through the phone, I could hear his shallow breathing.

"I'm in my car." I whisper.

"Good Harry. Now keep driving okay, I'll call you when I'm close. It'll take us both a few hours okay?"

"Okay Louis."

"Good. I'm going to hand up now and leave, are you driving."

I pulled out of my parking spot, my tears falling onto my leather chair, "Yes."

"Good. I'll talk to you soon."

He hung up after that, and I was left in another void.

LOUIS POV

"Jessie I'll be leaving for a few days, I'm going to Pennsylvania."

"What?"

"Harry needs me. He tried to kill himself with me on the line Jessie. And I can't help but hate you for this. You ruined him good. And while you're here living in fairy tale land with Zayn he is planning his own death." The phone was silent as she tried to summon her words.

"He isn't good for me Louis, you know that." I wanted to yell, scream, shout at her for not getting it.

"And who are you good for- sis?" I slammed end and pushed my phone against the dash board.

As I quickly pulled onto the road I rolled down the windows despite the winter and turned the stereo all the way up.

I wanted a relationship with Jessie but not when she can't take responsibitly for anything she does. How many painful things have to happen before she realises she needs to change. How many more burnt down funerals, and screaming matches in needed before one of us erupt?

As I switched lanes in the highway, my cell phone began to ring. The caller ID showed Work so It must of been important. I told my secretary to forward all calls to my inbox accept for important ones and Leah. The call went to voicemail but I was too excited not to play it.

I hope it was Leah.

"Dr. Tomlinson, my name is Dr. Corel. I was scheduled to take over your clinic practice while Dr. Malik has been taking care of your therapy sessions during your leave of absence. I am here to inform you that Mr. Harry Styles' mother was checked in with us under a woman named Jessie a couple months ago. I have also been informed that she has unfortunately passed 3 hours ago in her sleep. I am sorry for your loss. We have not yet contacted Mr. Harry Styles because I thought it would be better if you passed on the news since he is your patient. Again I am so sorry for your and his lost. Good day now. If you have any problems please contact me immediately as her body will be cremated in the next 72 hours. Your secretary knows my extension."