Shudder

34. Our Endless Numbered Days Part 2

Song for Chapter: Iron & Wine - Each Coming Night

HARRYS POV

'Dr. Louis Tomlinson will be taking a much needed vacation until further notice. All patients can either wait until he has returned of be recommended to our new psychiatrist Dr. Zayn Malik. Please reschedule or remove appointments at the front office. Thank you, and be happy :)'

He was gone. Leaving me without an oasis and trembling in my own bipolar thoughts. I needed him just as much as he needed us right now. We all need each other. All of these things happened so fast and all this sadness is coming on so strong, whooshing us like a gust of wind on a winter day. How do I save a girl of sadness when it's all I know?

She begs for help; not to be fixed like Zayn wants her to be, but helped. She needs someone to let her be happy but, not change her.

There's a difference.

I can't do those things. I can't make her better, I'm still making me better. I know what I have to do. And as I stare at the dark print on the paper that hangs from Louis' office. I can't help but feel sorry for all of us. We were meant to have extraordinary lives but we were given this. I don't know if this is punishment, or a test or just the way the life works but it's shit.

My phone rings as I exit the office.

"Hi love. How are you feeling today?" I try to sound happy.

"Can you pick me up. Zayn left me alone again. He's booked for work again." Zayn was an asshole. He means well, but he doesn't know how to handle these things when they aren't his patients and someone he cares for.

"I'm on my way." And as I started the car I tried calling Louis one last time, but there was nothing but a voice mail. I pulled away from the curb to pick up Jessie, crying the whole drive there.

***
"Hi love." I kiss her on the lips, slowly lingering because I know this might be the last I'll get.

"Thank you for picking me up." She holds my hand as she slips into my car.
I know what we are doing is wrong. Holding her hand, kissing her lips, run away every afternoon when Zayn isn't there but she needs me. We've accepted that we can't stay away from each other. We know that this is what it has to be. She needs him to have a normal life, but she also needs me to feel real love. It's sick and disgusting but I'd rather her kiss in secret then nothing at all.

"I want to take you some place." I say resting my hand against her thigh. I could hear her breath faulted just by my touch.

"Where?"

"I want you to meet my mother." We drive down the highway in silence. And once I took an exit off the highway and stopped the car at a stop light I had my chance to look at her.

I could see everything I loved so much. Every thing that made my body hurt My love for her was infinite and terrifying and it hurt even more that she was with another man. Kissing him every night, but it's what I get. I don't deserve a real kind of love yet. So that's why I am leaving her for a while. Leaving her plump lips, pure skin, smooth hair and tender kisses. That's why I'm leaving the way she looks at me, or the way her skin feels so excruciatingly beautiful against mine. I'll leave her before I hurt her more, and I'll leave her so when I return I'll never hurt her again.

JESSIES POV
We walked into his mothers small room. He was quiet as he sat on the wooden chair and her eyes were slightly shut. He held her hand softly.

"Hi mama." He whispers to her as her eyes slowly opened. Although her wrinkles, she looked like him. Same green eyes, although grey, her hair was thick like his.

"Who are you?" She asked, her eyes a little glazed over. She looked lost confused. I guess that is what Alzheimer's does to you. Washes you of all you knew.

"We are your doctors remember? We're just here to talk to you to keep you company and track your progress."

"I'm making progress?" Her smirk was the same as his. It was so terrifying seeing him and her. Both so broken. I'm so broken.

"Progress is never ending. Some just slower then others." He kissed her hand softly as she began to cough and shake.

"I'm getting weaker." Her voice was shaky. It was silent for a while as she coughed. Her skin showing goosebumps as he pulled up her covers.

"You're not getting weaker. It gets worse before it gets better." We all knew he was lying. The end was near but at least he could be there. Holding her hand and kissing her cheeks. "This is Jessie. I wanted you to meet her, before.."

His words disintegrated as he leans from the chair touching my
back and bringing me to her bedside.
"Hi." I say. What else could I say?

"I'm going to get you some lunch I'll be back." He closes the door of the small apartment and I sit on the wooden chair. She coughs, in silence and I look out the window. A small hill is perched in the distance and I can't help but smile. Maybe Harry can bring her there sometime, maybe he already has.

"I don't know you, maybe I do, but I don't remember any of you. I don't remember a damn thing." She rambles and coughs, her hands covering her dry mouth.

"And I know I am going soon. I can feel it all over and I'm okay with it I am, but before I go I want you to know that- " She coughs more and grabs my hand squeezing me tight. " Whoever he is, whoever you are. He loves you. Like my passing I can feel it. It radiates off of him. For Christ sakes I can smell it." Her laugh is slow and croaky but her smile is so beautiful. Like him.

"I don't want that kind of love to leave this earth with me. I hope Harry will be loved the way I never was."

My heart aches as I repeat the words she's said Harry, Harry she said Harry. She remembers him and as I push off the wooden chair and race to the door, I turn back around quickly to see that her eyes are closed, her chest falling and rising slowly. She was asleep. The fleeting memories already gone.

"Harry!" I yell racing out of the room and evidently running into him down the hall. "She said your name. I tried to get you but she fell asleep, she remembers you Harry!" I was smiling and cupping his face but his sour frown never changed.

His eyes were dead and gone as I stared at him wondering why he wasn't smiling too. "She always does. Every time I visit she remembers me for a small second before it all disappears."

"Isn't that a sign though Harry?" He pulls my arms away from her face and pulls me towards her apartment door, opening it slightly to show her quietly sleeping.

"I lied when I said progresses is never ending. There comes a point and time where it all just stops. You are who you are Jessie. And I am terrified that my time will end soon"

"What does this mean Harry?" My eyes search his own but I see nothing, I feel coldness and pain, and I can't understand why he's saying all of this.

He closes the door to his mothers room and slams the solid concrete door that is my heart. I feel nothing but pain, a black slug seeping into my chest as he says the words I knew he was going to. "I'm leaving."

***********
sorry filler chapter :) be patient!