Shudder

14. Living

Song for Chapter: Pressure - The 1975

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ZAYNS POV

I pull on my jean jacket, pushing clothes into my mess of a drawer. Jessie sleeps on my bed wrapped around my blankets. She's been here for almost a day bu I don't mind. I'd rather her here then with him.

I creep past her and into the washroom making sure I don't wake her as I pour cold water on my face to wake me up. It's 7:00am and my classes start at 9. I don't know why I am up so early but my mind is in swirls.

I got home very late last night making sure that she got enough space. When I came in she was sleep on the edge of the bed half of her naked body almost falling off. I had to pull her up the bed and wrap the blankets around her precious body before sleeping beside her.
It was amazing sleeping beside someone, I haven't since - It's just been awhile.

I lay back into the bed fully dressed and prepared for my last class before exams. I am almost done school. My degree to becoming a therapist just weeks away.

She lays there facing me in the dimly lite room her hands wrapped around the outskirts of the blanket almost as if she was trying to protect herself.

She is so beautiful. Her lips slightly parted, her eyelashes dancing around as she dreams hopefully of something pure.

"I'm not quite sure how to start this." I whisper my body now facing her. I knew I would never be able to say this to her if she was awake,
"You are so pure, and good I know you are. You have so many problems that I want to fix for you, so you can fully be happy because I know you want to be. He gets in the way of fixing you and I don't know what to do because it's hard knowing that someone you like- love? - no want to love, likes someone else."

She shifts her head a small sigh flowing from her parted lips.
"I won't say sorry for being weary of him because I know him. And I won't say sorry for tell you, you are problematic because you are. I will say sorry for not standing by you though." I grab her soft hands and kiss each finger the way I hope Harry never does.
"Maybe once I am done school I can use my practice on you... and maybe myself too."

"You're forgiven."

"What?" I suddenly notice the small squeeze she gives my hand. Her eyes flicker softly open. "You heard me? Dear lord" Both of my hands wipe down my face in udder embarrassment trying my best not to turn red.

"Every word. And you are forgiven."

"Good, good, good, good." I say between the kisses I plant all over her face. "Be my girlfriend."

"Sure Zayn. But can I sleep first before I start?" Her voice is raspy, and my imagination runs wild as I hear that voice moaning my na- shit stop.

"Yeah, sorry. I have to go to school anyways. My class ends at 11, I'll meet you back here."

"Mhmmm." She moans while nodding.

I stand up kissing her on the forehead as I walk out the bedroom door and closing it behind me.

As I reach my car I can't help but smile. Even though she isn't a prize, and what me and Harry are doing isn't a game; I still won. I won her.

I slid into my car and turn on the engine as I hum an annoying pop and smile the whole drive over to school.

JESSIES POV

It's 11:00 am when I fully wake up, running over to see the sun fully in the sky.

Fuck. I scream before grabbing my clothes from a day ago and flinging them onto my body. I race out the bedroom door and shove on my shoe then pull my short hair into a pony tail and swing open the door.

"Good morning." Harry leans on the door frame, coffees in both hands.

"The -"

"Sunrise, I know." I push past him running to the elevator. I press the large lobby button and just as the doors are about to close Harry slips in.

"You didn't wake me." I pant leaning my hands and resting them on my knees. I'm sorry mom. I'm so sorry.

"You're rambling Jessie." He presses the STOP button on the elevator immediately making the elevator come to a holt.

"What- a- are you doing?" I snarl between my teeth as I walk back and forth in the small elevator.

"You don't need to get all flustered."

My breathing starts to pick up with every word he says, I feel my hands begin to sweat and my legs feel of pins and needles.

I know I'm having another panic attack but I can't stop it. Each breathe of air causing my legs to quiver once more. "Ever- since- I met you...." I huff between each word, "I- have missed the sun- rise." I slide down the elevator walls imagining each side closing in, inch by inch. "Get me out of here Harry."

"No."

"Harry- get- me the fuck - out of here." I guess I am claustrophobic too as my lungs seem to tighten in my chest causing me to gasp for air as I grab my neck, begging for oxygen to find its way down. "Ple-ase Harry. I need to see the sunrise."

"Do you hear yourself Jessie? You're obsession over this sunrise is unhealthy."

"You watch it too." My hands scratch at the walls begging for any type of escape.

"Not anymore." He slides down beside me putting the coffees on the other end of the elevator.

"H- Harry." I tear at my skin trying to relive the feeling on dirtiness that laces it for not keeping my mother's promise. "Please I need to go."

"Fine." Is all he says as he stands back up grabbing my legs and back to carry me in a bridal position. Tears stream down my cheeks as I feel the elevator rise again, away from the place I need to go. "I'm taking you back to my apartment."

I choke out another sob running my head against his chest, as I wet his shirt in my tears. "I feel so -"

"Shh, I know, I know." He cradles me opening up his apartment door and bringing me into his small washroom. Beyond my blurry eyes I see him staring at me as he rubs something warm; like a cloth across my face.

"I feel so dirty. Like I'm laced with mud and soot. Every time I miss the sunset is another day that I loose with my mother. What am I going to do when I can't even remember what she looks like?" I start scratching at my skin, blood starting to ooze from my doing so.

"Hey, look at me." He tries saying but nothing else matters as I try and scratch my pain away. "Look at me." He says once more grabbing my wrist with one hand and my cheek with the other forcing me to look into his garden eyes. "You don't have to watch the sunrise every morning to keep memories of your mom."

"Then how will she know I still care?" Tears roll from my cheek to his hand but be doesn't seem to mind. Would Zayn?

"She's watching you Jessie, I know she is. Stop holding this against yourself. Your mother isn't going to resent you for moving on."

"I don't want to move on."

"Then how else are you going to start living?"

"Have you started living?"

He lets go of my cheek putting the cloth in his sink; his facial expression now emotionless. "Come on," He says as he turns on the shower. "Let's get you cleaned up."

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WARNING :
.....just know that if self abusive is an issue to any readers, there will be more in the follow chapters.

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trailer here:
http://youtu.be/yi-MGI2PIvQ