Shudder

32. Looking For The Golden Light

Song for Chapter: Numb- Marina and the Diamonds

JESSIES POV

I am nothingness. No sounds, touch, taste, smell, or detail can enter my nothing of a body. I am nothingness.

I am neither here nor there, neither up nor down. I stare into the abyss of dark and hope and pray that I get dragged in one cell and atom at a time. I feel less then nothing. I see less then darkness. Imagine the feeling of the moment where you are just about to enter a deep sleep. Your body is so still- like a lion watching it's prey- you feel like an angel is carrying your soul to the moon, reaching past the stars and planets as you cast off into the delirious night. That is how I feel. On the verge of drifting.
"Jessie. Babe?"

I know it is Zayn entering the room but I don't look at him. I count the bumps on the textured bumpy ceiling. 2389, 2390, 2391, 2392. Rows upon rows of bumpy dots arranged around the ceiling for me to count as I wait out my days.

"Do you want to eat babe? I brought you a sandwich do you want a sandwich?" Click the plate hits the side table and I see his hand graze my cheek in affection but I don't feel it. 2393, 2394, 2395.

"Please talk to me." His voice was stern, and soft at the same time, but it had no affect on me. That's the way my father used to sound. Stern and soft.
I am nothingness.

"I know it is hard. I am so sorry Jessie. But don't shut me out. Let me in. I can fix you. Fuck- let me fix you." His hands are grabbing the sides of my cheeks but all I feel is air. His eyes are wide and wet as he screams at me shaking my head back and forth as to wake me up. Wake me up from this dark night.

"Jessie please!" he shakes my shoulders, grips my face. Air. Nothing but air. "Please-" he shouts but it all sounds underwater. Is this apart of my dream? Is this how I escape? Drowning? I heard it was peaceful.

"Jessie look at me! Talk to me, I -" But he stops. His eyes shift from in and out of blurry vision as he sits up, lets go of my cheeks, and exits the room.

I am nothingness. Let my mother and father guide me into the dark night.

HARRYS POV

"I'm in a dark room. I sit on a chair my hands pinned behind my back. Look, look, look! The voices shout at me and I see the light at the end of the room but I can't move. They scream at me to move but I'm numb still. Look for the golden light, escape into the dark night. It repeats in my head like a symphony and words swirl around my body, hitting me over and over in thick letters. Look for the golden light, escape into the dark night. I don't know what that means. I don't know where it came from but the words give me a stale taste in my mouth and I wake up crying."

"It's a night terror. I'll get you pills for that. Extra melatonin will help you sleep." His eyes droop as he scribbles on the clip board. He's growing a small beard and his voice is weak, sick.

"I know this isn't my job but are you okay?" He was staring off into the distance. Gazing at nothingness as a micro tear rolls down his left cheek. "Louis? What is wrong?"

"I killed him didn't I?"

"Your father? Don't be ridiculous." He nodded his head, pushing back into his chair as he pressed his red button, clearing his voice before he spoke.

"Nurse Leah, bring in a prescription of melatonin for Harry please."

It was silent as we waited. Look for the golden light, escape into the dark night.

"Here you go Louis." Her voice shook me from my thoughts as he handed her the bottle of pills, prescription paper and a bag. Louis' eyes light up only shortly when he saw her, giving her a small smile and squeezing her hand before she went.